can I salvage this...i had an affair

[maxposte]

Dear listeners, I need some advice because I am going through the most horrific grief and am not sure if there is anything I can do.

 

A year ago I had an affair. The affair lasted for 3 months; the first month consisted of just talking, the second was physical, and the third was me desperately trying to get out of the affair, which I realized was the worst mistake of my life. Getting out of the affair was difficult because the OM had feelings for me and I was a bit scared of what his reaction would be to my putting an end to things. When I did put an end to things, I told him it was because I was in love with my partner and wanted to be with him forever. I cut off all contact with the OM.

 

I spent every day after that trying to be the best partner I could to my boyfriend of 10 years. We got engaged, something I had always been nervous about doing for various personal and ethical reasons, but that I now knew was exactly what I wanted. We even discussed kids, and I was happy, even though I hadn't entertained the possibility of ever having kids. We were very happy for 6 months. I spoke with a therapist about my guilt over the affair and she and I decided together not to tell my boyfriend, since this was clearly something I was no longer interested in. I truly felt as if my relationship was exactly what I wanted.

 

6 months later, my fiance found out about the affair from the OM's ex-wife, who neither of us has ever met, and who supposedly was no longer with the OM when I was seeing him (which I am now not sure was true.) She emailed my fiance all of the written correspondences between the OM and myself...which were much more explicit than anything we had done or that I had said to him in person.

 

My fiance agreed to try couples therapy 1 time, but during that session he wouldn't look at me...then we went a second time to separate sessions, and the therapist got him to agree to one more session together...at this session he broke up with me.

 

It has been 3 months since the break up...I am in agony...our only contact is when I go pick up our dog to hang out with her on Saturday's...we engage in brief light conversations..a few weeks ago we sat together for about 10 minutes and caught up on basic things we are doing with our lives. I am giving him space...I am going to therapy to work on myself...I am paying for him to continue therapy (a significant expense for me, but I want him to see someone and he cannot afford it.) I am making connections with a group of female friends and not looking for rebounds or flings..or relationships...I am dating myself and trying to ensure that I am healthy and capable of being the partner that I want to be.

 

I want my fiance back, but he has shown no interest in being with me...he has expressed nothing towards me, not much anger, not much pain, not much of anything since the initial break up week or two...i think he is trying to see other people a little, but I am trying not to pry into his personal space out of respect, so I am not sure.

 

How can I win him back? Is there any hope for me. I made a terrible mistake...

 

A month ago was his birthday, which also happened to be around the time when I was getting my stuff out of his condo...I left him a simple present and a nice card telling him how much I care about him and wishing him a happy birthday. I have not done much begging and pleading since the initial part of the break up, but I think that he knows I want him back.

[salparadise]

It doesn't sound like he's motivated to get back together if you're talking to him occasionally and he's not expressing anything. I think all you can do is tell him how you feel about him and ask for a second chance. If he decides to try, the rebuilding will take time and will probably be difficult. If he isn't interested then you have no choice but to move on. Since it's been 3 months already I wouldn't suggest keeping your life on hold in hope of him changing his mind.

[therhythm]

Dear listeners, I need some advice because I am going through the most horrific grief and am not sure if there is anything I can do.

 

A year ago I had an affair. The affair lasted for 3 months; the first month consisted of just talking, the second was physical, and the third was me desperately trying to get out of the affair, which I realized was the worst mistake of my life. Getting out of the affair was difficult because the OM had feelings for me and I was a bit scared of what his reaction would be to my putting an end to things. When I did put an end to things, I told him it was because I was in love with my partner and wanted to be with him forever. I cut off all contact with the OM.

 

I spent every day after that trying to be the best partner I could to my boyfriend of 10 years. We got engaged, something I had always been nervous about doing for various personal and ethical reasons, but that I now knew was exactly what I wanted. We even discussed kids, and I was happy, even though I hadn't entertained the possibility of ever having kids. We were very happy for 6 months. I spoke with a therapist about my guilt over the affair and she and I decided together not to tell my boyfriend, since this was clearly something I was no longer interested in. I truly felt as if my relationship was exactly what I wanted.

 

6 months later, my fiance found out about the affair from the OM's ex-wife, who neither of us has ever met, and who supposedly was no longer with the OM when I was seeing him (which I am now not sure was true.) She emailed my fiance all of the written correspondences between the OM and myself...which were much more explicit than anything we had done or that I had said to him in person.

 

My fiance agreed to try couples therapy 1 time, but during that session he wouldn't look at me...then we went a second time to separate sessions, and the therapist got him to agree to one more session together...at this session he broke up with me.

 

It has been 3 months since the break up...I am in agony...our only contact is when I go pick up our dog to hang out with her on Saturday's...we engage in brief light conversations..a few weeks ago we sat together for about 10 minutes and caught up on basic things we are doing with our lives. I am giving him space...I am going to therapy to work on myself...I am paying for him to continue therapy (a significant expense for me, but I want him to see someone and he cannot afford it.) I am making connections with a group of female friends and not looking for rebounds or flings..or relationships...I am dating myself and trying to ensure that I am healthy and capable of being the partner that I want to be.

 

I want my fiance back, but he has shown no interest in being with me...he has expressed nothing towards me, not much anger, not much pain, not much of anything since the initial break up week or two...i think he is trying to see other people a little, but I am trying not to pry into his personal space out of respect, so I am not sure.

 

How can I win him back? Is there any hope for me. I made a terrible mistake...

 

A month ago was his birthday, which also happened to be around the time when I was getting my stuff out of his condo...I left him a simple present and a nice card telling him how much I care about him and wishing him a happy birthday. I have not done much begging and pleading since the initial part of the break up, but I think that he knows I want him back.

 

 

I am sorry for your pain. He has moved on or is trying to move on, I don't want to emit any judgment on what you did but your own actions brought you to the place you are, you took your decision and now it is up to him to take his. If he finds it in his heart to forgive you he will contact you. The only think you can do is just respect his space and his decisions.

 

Good luck in your life (with or without him) and I hope you have learned your lesson from this experience.

[BradJacobs]

There may be nothing that you can do.

 

Stop trying to buy your way into his life by paying for his counseling. Decide one way or the other who gets the dog then leave him alone.

 

Your constant presence isn't going to help him make a decision.

 

If you leave him alone you will know with certainty whether he wants you or not.

[drifter777]

Are you not getting the responses you like over on the infidelity forum where you initially posted this or are you casting a wider net for some new advice?

[maxposte]

Just casting a wider net. I'm really liking all of the responses... I just took a tour around the loveshack forums and realized my question might fit here as well.