Should I call him? Going into Labor

[Balzac]

Currently , I have one in college and I pay around 15k per year at a public university.

 

 

The operative word currently is relevant only to you. Providing the minimum dollar cost of tuition expense in 18 years, the FUTURE COST is what is required. Even by current standards your $15K is low and unlikely to cover room& board, fees, transportation, books, supplies or clothing.

[bentleychic]

I'll be completely honest, if I could do it alone, I would not even file for CS. If he is that much of a jack arse and has had nothing to do with you, knowing fully that you are expecting HIS child, there's no way that I would want to have anything to do with him nor allow him access to my child. SO if he decided to try to get in her life, then I'd file for CS, but until then, I'd drop off the face of the earth as far as he's concerned. I'd never hide it from her as she gets older, but I would not go out of my way to have him involved in any way, shape or form if I could afford to do it alone.

 

I'd honestly have such a fear that if he had to pay CS and his wife found out, they'd force visitation and I would worry so very much about how the wife would treat my child, given how she was conceived.

[Balzac]

Ouch.

 

I understand they should have a relationship with their grandchild, but it is her husband that should be responsible for making sure they do when MM has them on his visitation schedule.

 

I think you and MM's parents just added insult to injury.

 

Some states specifically award visitation rights to grandparents. This provides an additional opportunity for the child to have ongoing paternal family access in the

event the father refuses to exercise his right of visitation.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Balzac

[yessy21]

contact a lawyer... file child support and don't call him.

[bentleychic]

I'll be completely honest, if I could do it alone, I would not even file for CS. If he is that much of a jack arse and has had nothing to do with you, knowing fully that you are expecting HIS child, there's no way that I would want to have anything to do with him nor allow him access to my child. SO if he decided to try to get in her life, then I'd file for CS, but until then, I'd drop off the face of the earth as far as he's concerned. I'd never hide it from her as she gets older, but I would not go out of my way to have him involved in any way, shape or form if I could afford to do it alone.

 

I'd honestly have such a fear that if he had to pay CS and his wife found out, they'd force visitation and I would worry so very much about how the wife would treat my child, given how she was conceived.

I should say that I'd also worry about how he would treat her and if he'd take his resentment out on her. Once you open that door to cs and visitation, it's very hard to close it again in most states, whether they are actually paying the CS or not.

[WrinkledForehead]

Getting OP's child into a private school at an early age and remaining in one throughout high school will go a long way towards getting her daughter scholarships in college. I attended a private college where tuition was $50,000 a year, and I managed to make it out without debts thanks to my scholarships and the help of my wonderful parents.

 

 

 

I would strongly advise you not to get a PhD unless you get into a program that will give you stipends and funding. Assistantships are far more than just getting money. You get to teach, interact with students, and work on research with professors (which will hopefully get you some publications)--all of which are essential experiences for getting a job once you graduate.

 

I shouldn't owe more than $10k by the time I finish my PhD, and I will most likely only have to take out loans if I can't handle teaching a class while studying for my comprehensive exams (which is likely). Once I start my dissertation, I should be back to teaching again.

 

 

 

I agree with Balzac. If he wants a reduction in child support payments, he may try to seek out full or partial custody of the child. If that happens and his BS stays with him, she will be your daughter's stepmother and play a role in raising your child. I don't mean to make any generalizations about BSs here, but I imagine it would be very difficult to raise the child produced by your husband in an affair. I don't think the BS would abuse the child in any way, but I'm afraid your daughter may never really feel like she belongs in that house or is a part of their family.

 

Yes, I have no plans of paying for anything beyond my MA. I hope to get that mostly funded. Unfortunately I have no one to depend on but myself, so someone picking up some of my tuition costs just won't happen.

 

I've read posts on a mom site relating to BS and children created from the affair. Very, very few are willing to offer any sort of help or are willing to even let the father of the child assist at all. Many would rather forget and move on.

[peaksandvalleys]

Your child is entitled to financial support. I would make sure he paid that if nothing else.

[Balzac]

 

The point was it should be done through her husband since it is his parents rather than the wife's mother-in-law developing a relationship with the OW. .

 

I cannot see the logic of what you say. Apparently, inspite of holding the opinion the child should have grandparent contact, you tie communication to the father, ONLY. This is why courts grant visitation rights to grandparents. When a parent

Refuses to exercise visitation -the grandparent is shut out. I fully support direct communication and visitation that occurs between the custodial mother and paternal grandmother in this case.

 

How the grandmother of this child and her daughter-in-law manage their relationship is on them.

[Trimmer]

Getting OP's child into a private school at an early age and remaining in one throughout high school will go a long way towards getting her daughter scholarships in college.

In the U.S., for a decent indpendent school, you could be looking at tuitions of at least 8-12k/year for 8 years for primary and middle school, and then 10-20k/year for 4 years for a decent independent high school. (And I think these are somewhat conservative, if you're looking at high quality independent schools.) Taking the middle of those ranges you've got at least $140k in today's dollars from 1st-12th grades.

 

I don't want to turn this into a private/public school debate, but my point is, if you're making your argument strictly on the economics - invest dollars in private school now to enhance scholarship dollars later - then you have to factor the cost of that investment over those 12 years.

 

From the purely economic point of view, you might be better off investing that tuition money in a strong, safe college fund, than banking on uncertain scholarship prospects. And then, to make the economics pencil out in the end, the increase in scholarship potential between the private school and public school tracks would have to exceed your entire potential college fund (including investment growth over 12 years).

 

Now, the quality and value of private vs. public education is a valid discussion, but a whole separate issue, which I'd suggest would be off-topic for this thread.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Trimmer

[cif]

I just wanted to tell you how strong I think you are.

 

There is no reason to contact his wife, she will find out when the court summons him. Just concentrate on yourself and your beautiful baby girl.