Should I call him? Going into Labor

[bentleychic]

Sorry to talk about things you didn't ask.

 

I will say that as a mom of several, I would ONLY have people there that could be a good support to me. I think having him there (if he would even show up) would cause a possibly hostile and volatile environment in which you could not relax nor enjoy the first moments of your babes life. Not to mention, stress can stall a labor. If he wanted to be there or wanted you to tell him, you would know by now.

 

Keep those close to you there as your support system, try your best not to think about him lest it be a detriment to your labor and enjoy that beautiful baby.

[hurtnomorerika]

Totally hear you, but if there's anyone you have told or can tell now, I would go ahead and do it. I feel like you will want the support, especially if you start second guessing yourself about everything while under the stress of labor.

 

I know that people are quick to judge, so really think about who you want to tell...I think you will be surprised at the support you get because I'm sure whoever you confide in is someone you trust for a reason.

 

I ended up confiding in a friend, not realizing her dad was a serial cheater that had cheating on her mom for 15 years, has since married 2 of his OW, keeps cheating. She HATES cheaters, hates what it does to a famnily. Depsite all that, she loves me, and I will forever be grateful at what an amazing, selfless friend she has been to help me through some of my darkest days post A.

 

I'm a fairly new mom too, and when I think about my time in the hospital, I know themost important thing is to keep yourself as calm and relaxed as possible. Throwing MM into the mix is only going to cause you more duress.

 

If you can, I'd really try to get more info about the paternity, birth certicifcate, child support laws. I know it's a lot to undergo, but if you DO want to seek child support from him, it would be important to know if you can file if he's on the birth certificate or not, and therefore, find out if you can put him on the birth cert if he's not present at delivery.

 

Do you NEED the child support? Because if he needs to be on the bc but he HAS to be present to get it done right away, then IDK, maybe you DO need to speak to him about what his plans are and if he needs to be there

 

I'm sorry, being pregnant is such an emotional roller coaster as it is, I can't imagine what you're going through with this added element of a MM.(((hugs)))

 

Thank you. I have told my mom and she been VERY supportative. Im also embarrassed that Im going through something like this. Im sure I can take care of baby alone, but I also feels that he should be responsible as well we both created this child, not just me alone.You're right pregnancy is very stressful even though it is exciting but the situation with him makes it very hard to deal with. I will never ever get involved with another MM.

[2sure]

This is sad, I remember you from the first time you posted about your previous pregnancy with MM's child. Im sorry to see he was able to come back into your life. But a baby is a miracle and Im thrilled for you that this time you are having a good pregnancy!

 

If you call MM now or when you go into labor, Im afraid he will give you more sadness and stress.

 

When you file for child support and he has to acknowledge the baby is his - you will be in a better place already bacause you will have the baby.

 

Because this affair has been so long term & because both you and his wife will now have small children with him, the best thing to do , for all of the children is to get everything on the table right away.

[The Way I Am]

Maybe I'm missing something, I never asked any questions pertaining to whether or not I will be able to place him on the birth certificate. From my understanding in the state of Louisiana where I live, if we're married he's automatically placed on the birth certificate. Since we're not married and he will not be present during our stay at the hospital, he will not be placed on the birth certificate until we do the paternity testing and determine that he is the father of my baby.

 

I thank you for your response, but I specifically asked the posters on the forum about something that had nothing to do with the birth certificate.

 

My mistake. Since you didn't seem to know these things, I thought you'd want some advice on how to make sure you child is financially taken care of and/or have his/her parentage recognized. In your situation, I would want to know ahead of time if there was something I'd need to do when the child was born to ensure his/her father was acknowledged especially if I might ever want to pursue child support. And given the horrible behavior of this MM, I would absolutely want to pursue child support just to make him own up to his actions. I guess you're not that type of person.

 

Since I already answered you question and advised you not contact him, I guess there's nothing left to say.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 29, 2013 by The Way I Am

[hurtnomorerika]

My mistake. Since you didn't seem to know these things, I thought you'd want some advice on how to make sure you child is financially taken care of and/or have his/her parentage recognized. In your situation, I would want to know ahead of time if there was something I'd need to do when the child was born to ensure his/her father was acknowledged especially if I might ever want to pursue child support. And given the horrible behavior of this MM, I would absolutely want to pursue child support just to make him own up to his actions. I guess you're not that type of person.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Im sorry, I did know those things that's why I didnt ask about them. I DEFINITELY will pursue cs for my daughter because at this point its only right/fair to both of us. You're right with his behavior, why wouldnt I? I thought that maybe towards the end of the pregnancy he would have came around and we could have made some kind of arrangements. My back is against the wall, I feel as if I have no choice. I do believe that once my baby is here, things will be easier to deal with. I WILL MAKE HIM OWN UP TO HIS ACTIONS! He will NOT get away with this. Im not doing anything out of spite, I could easily get in touch with his wife, but I dont have time for the drama. Thank you for your response.

[hurtnomorerika]

This is sad, I remember you from the first time you posted about your previous pregnancy with MM's child. Im sorry to see he was able to come back into your life. But a baby is a miracle and Im thrilled for you that this time you are having a good pregnancy!

 

If you call MM now or when you go into labor, Im afraid he will give you more sadness and stress.

 

When you file for child support and he has to acknowledge the baby is his - you will be in a better place already bacause you will have the baby.

 

Because this affair has been so long term & because both you and his wife will now have small children with him, the best thing to do , for all of the children is to get everything on the table right away.

 

You're right, since I've spoken with you all. I've come to think that attempting to contact him during labor may add more stress and disappointment and I dont need that during labor. Things will be better once my baby is here and I can move on. It was a long term affair and thats why his behavior breaks my heart into small pieces, I expected so much more from him. I guess I didnt know his true character like I thought I did. Thanks so much for your response.

[amaysngrace]

I would love to obtain a lawyer, but It may be very expensive.

 

Yeah...okay....but raising a child is not....

[hurtnomorerika]

Yeah...okay....but raising a child is not....

 

I know raising a child is expensive. I have a 9 yr old already. I dont know, if u read my other responses. I am filing for child support. Can someone explain the reason for spending thousands of dollars on a lawyer, when I can very well fight my case myself. That's all the lawyer is going to do and thats stand in court and speak for me. I can do that myself. I work for the legal system and the federal government. I believe I know what Im doing. He would have a hard time fighting for custody, because Im very stable, I have a good job, good income, no criminal backgroud, my oldest child and I live in a very nice environment. He would have a hard time proving that Im an unfit mother. From the background check I've done on his wife, I highly doubt she would be willing to take on another child in addition to her two kids already. This forum is to help each other and support one another, not make someone feel incompetent or stupid. We all have had our downfalls, if not we wouldnt be on this board.

 

So, please if you're not answering the specific question that I asked, just dont respond. Thank you.

Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HopingAgain]

You did a background check on his wife? What for?

[hurtnomorerika]

You did a background check on his wife? What for?

 

Maybe, I should have been more specific not an actual "background check", I looked her up on FB, just out of curiosity.

[amaysngrace]

Your response comes off very sarcastic. I didnt post on here for that. I know raising a child is expensive. I have a 9 yr old already. I dont know, if u read my other responses. I am filing for child support. Can someone explain the reason for spending thousands of dollars on a lawyer, when I can very well fight my case myself. That's all the lawyer is going to do and thats stand in court and speak for me. I can do that myself. I work for the legal system and the federal government. I believe I know what Im doing. He would have a hard time fighting for custody, because Im very stable, I have a good job, good income, no criminal backgroud, my oldest child and I live in a very nice environment. He would have a hard time proving that Im an unfit mother. From the background check I've done on his wife, I highly doubt she would be willing to take on another child in addition to her two kids already. This forum is to help each other and support one another, not make someone feel incompetent or stupid. We all have had our downfalls, if not we wouldnt be on this board.

 

So, please if you're not answering the specific question that I asked, just dont respond. Thank you.

 

If you post your business on a public forum you can't dictate what people can say to you.

Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amaysngrace]

I feel bad for the woman, ok? I only brought up the fact that she can't afford a lawyer yet is having a baby on her own. To me that sounds like a problem but she wrote a big long paragraph about how well she's doing.

 

Whatever.

 

I hope her situation improves and she and her baby are fine.

Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sure]

OP, since this is your second pregnancy with this MM and because his wife was pregnant just a few months before you...I think when you file for CS , his wife will flip out. Which means he will blame you.

 

Definitely do for your baby what you need to ...file for CS. But I would stay clear of calling his mother or even any other contact until the dust settles a bit.

[Trimmer]

Can someone explain the reason for spending thousands of dollars on a lawyer, when I can very well fight my case myself. That's all the lawyer is going to do and thats stand in court and speak for me. I can do that myself. I work for the legal system and the federal government. I believe I know what Im doing.

If you work within the legal system, then you've undoubtedly heard the old saying that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.

 

Representing yourself goes just fine, as long as it goes just fine. But I wonder if there's potential for a contentious showdown over this issue, whether you will be prepared to go up against the attorney he hires to tear you apart in court. As long as you are sure you have all the i's dotted and t's crossed and you're feeling confident, then you're good, I suppose.

 

Even when I did our (uncontested) divorce pro se, I still hired an attorney for a couple hours to (a) educate me beforehand about the details of what forms, where and when to file, and all that stuff, and (b) as I was completing the various steps, I would have him review my work before completing the various documents and filing them. I'm a reasonably sharp guy, but he still found a few things worth changing and made a couple suggestions that were worth the 2 or 3 total hours of consultation.

 

It gave me some confidence that everything was buttoned up right and reasonably ironclad. And remember, this was for a divorce (with children and custody issues) that was (and remains to this day) uncontested. I don't know how confident I would have been if I'd found myself sitting across from "her attorney..." in an adversarial situation.

 

If you file for CS, do you think he's going to sign the forms and say "Oh, OK then..." or do you think he's going to lawyer up and dig in? (I'm not presuming an answer - I'm really wondering, with what you know of him, how you think he might react.)

Edited July 30, 2013 by Trimmer

[Balzac]

Child support order for a regular salaried guy is straight forward.

Self employed professional or business guy, bit more complicated.

Man with significant income/net worth, more complicated yet.

 

The reason many women who are coparenting w a married man begin w a private attorney is for greater benefits than CS. It's pretty evident that it's also often "private".

[Lady2163]

Child support order for a regular salaried guy is straight forward.

Self employed professional or business guy, bit more complicated.

Man with significant income/net worth, more complicated yet.

 

The reason many women who are coparenting w a married man begin w a private attorney is for greater benefits than CS. It's pretty evident that it's also often "private".

 

Balzac has a good point. This guy might be willing to work with you privately.

 

But, uh, may I ask what support do you get for the 9 year old?

[whichwayisup]

Ill be having MM's baby anyday now. Should I call him at work? That's the only way I have to get in touch with him, since he changed his number. Or, should I just say, F-him and file child support and let it go. I want him to at least be involved in the birth, but I guess he's already shown me that he doesnt give a damn and wants no parts of it.

 

What should I do? Should I atleast call him and let him know that baby is coming when I do officially go into labor? I even thought about sending him a private message on twitter, the only thing is his wife might see it. At this point I really dont care about that, the truth has to come out at some point.

 

I dont know what to do.

 

Call your best friend. A family member, anybody BUT your MM.

 

He has changed his number and the only way you can get a hold of him is his work number, that's not cool at all but it's how he's chosen to handle this. You cannot force him to be there.

 

I don't know your back story so I have no idea if you and him are still in an A or if it's over and he's ignoring you now that you're pregnant. Either way, just focus on your labour and rely on friends and family right now.

[whichwayisup]

I WILL MAKE HIM OWN UP TO HIS ACTIONS! He will NOT get away with this. Im not doing anything out of spite, I could easily get in touch with his wife, but I dont have time for the drama.

 

You're going to have the drama whether you like it or not. Once his wife finds out the truth, you and him WILL have to face her and all of the fallout, rightfully so. Her whole life is about to be turned upside down.

 

Just take care of yourself now and have a safe delivery.

[seren]

Erika, right now the only important thing is you and your baby. Everything else can wait, look after you, get support from your Mum, family and friends and prepare for your lovely baby. If, as it reads from your post, that the MM has cut you off since you knew you were pregnant, then contacting him may result in drama you don't need right now. I hope it all goes well for you.

[SoleMate]

You don't need a lawyer to file for CS. The state (province or whatever) is just as interested as you are in finding him and making sure he steps up with his $$$$. Many (or most) unmarried women who file for CS do so pro se.

 

And to hell with him, sleazy loser.

[findingnemo]

OP, since this is your second pregnancy with this MM and because his wife was pregnant just a few months before you...I think when you file for CS , his wife will flip out. Which means he will blame you.

 

Definitely do for your baby what you need to ...file for CS. But I would stay clear of calling his mother or even any other contact until the dust settles a bit.

 

You mean this MM is going round making people pregnant all over the place? What a jerk!

[waterwoman]

No don't contact him. He doesn't deserve it. This is a special time and you are about to embark on the greatest love affair possible. Good luck x

[threelaurels]

I agree with what other posters have said about contacting MM. After the baby is born, you may want to consider notifying his mother since you have already been in contact with her about the pregnancy. If it would not be too painful for you, you might consider allowing her to be in the child's life if that's what she wants. It's up to you. If you choose to allow her in the baby's life, I would at least wait a month or two before letting her visit so that you can let your hormones go back to normal and get settled in with the new baby.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I hope the labor process goes well for you and that the baby is healthy. Best of luck.

[Got it]

Ill be having MM's baby anyday now. Should I call him at work? That's the only way I have to get in touch with him, since he changed his number. Or, should I just say, F-him and file child support and let it go. I want him to at least be involved in the birth, but I guess he's already shown me that he doesnt give a damn and wants no parts of it.

 

What should I do? Should I atleast call him and let him know that baby is coming when I do officially go into labor? I even thought about sending him a private message on twitter, the only thing is his wife might see it. At this point I really dont care about that, the truth has to come out at some point.

 

I dont know what to do.

 

Say F him, file child support and make him do what he is legally obligated to do.

[georgia girl]

Please, please take care of yourself. Focus on you, this tiny little miracle that's about to become the center of your life and all of the people around you who want to love you and support you through this time.

 

Cut out those things which may cause hurt and tension. While you may be wistful for a moment that he's not there, the wistfulness will not last as long as the hurt would last if you asked for him and his doesn't come. The same includes his mother.

 

This is your time for you and your baby. He hurt you deeply and I know you'll take care of the other legal items in due course.

 

But for now, it's about you and tiny miracles. Hugs.