Should I call him? Going into Labor

[anna121]

Is he paying child support for your 9 year-old? If I understand correctly the 9 year old is also his.

 

Definitely don't contact him.

[hurtnomorerika]

Please, please take care of yourself. Focus on you, this tiny little miracle that's about to become the center of your life and all of the people around you who want to love you and support you through this time.

 

Cut out those things which may cause hurt and tension. While you may be wistful for a moment that he's not there, the wistfulness will not last as long as the hurt would last if you asked for him and his doesn't come. The same includes his mother.

 

This is your time for you and your baby. He hurt you deeply and I know you'll take care of the other legal items in due course.

 

But for now, it's about you and tiny miracles. Hugs.

 

Thank you. I'm going to focus on me and the baby right now. It's not worth the heartache.

[hurtnomorerika]

Is he paying child support for your 9 year-old? If I understand correctly the 9 year old is also his.

 

Definitely don't contact him.

 

No, my 9 yr old is not his.

[hurtnomorerika]

Update: I will be having MM's baby tomorrow. I still haven't heard from him. Im still not sure if I should call his mom and let her know. When I spoke with her almost 2 months we agreed that I would I call her when I go into labor. I haven't spoken to her since. I'm scaredto call her. What should I do?

[2sure]

You don't need her there, you don't need to call her. This is your child's birth. She has not reached out to you.

 

If you tell her, you will be waiting for him to call and he won't.

 

Call if you must, but certainly after your baby comes home.

[2sure]

Exciting! Best wishes for a beautiful delivery!

[GreySkyMorning]

Update: I will be having MM's baby tomorrow. I still haven't heard from him. Im still not sure if I should call his mom and let her know. When I spoke with her almost 2 months we agreed that I would I call her when I go into labor. I haven't spoken to her since. I'm scaredto call her. What should I do?

 

Focus on you and that baby! If either him or his mother had any concern or interest, they would have contacted you by now. So leave the negative out of it and surround you and that beautiful baby with positive people and love.

 

Best wishes! I'm excited for you!

[findingnemo]

Best wishes for you and baby!!!

[waterwoman]

Hope all goes well today x

[Pierre]

You know, when I first had a baby, I was so comforted by the fact that they are the only relief from feeling unwanted a woman ever has in her life, ever. No more wondering if he's just not that into you, or if you're good enough, or if you're pretty enough. No more worrying about if you had more value or status would you then feel wanted... No more wondering, even, if your parents loved you enough. That child will love you more than you ever needed to be loved.

 

At least for a while

 

 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:sick:

 

 

And people in the forum say I make these things up.:confused:

 

RR, I feel for you. I can tell you are an outstanding women, but you live your life in search of external validation and it is painful to see your struggle.

 

I am convinced that pointing this out changes nothing because this is your normal state; this is who you are. I wonder if there is any treatment for this.

 

I suspect that if you could find a guy that provided you validation 24/7 you could do well, but it is exhausting to provide validation to someone else 24/7. I tried to do that once and I failed.

 

I wonder if something like cognitive behavioral therapy may work for you.

[Pastypop]

As a parent you will have to advocate for children quite often. You will be dealing with school systems, teachers, coaches, other parents, doctors and whole host of others. You do not need to concern yourself with how this going to affect the MM, his wife, family, employer or anyone else involved with him. You need to get the process of getting as much money out of him as the state law allows. In order to do that, you need to hire a lawyer in order to get the maximum allowed and also negotiate college tuition, books and expenses. For some reason most women neglect to negotiate that into the agreements. Since he has made it clear that he will not be involved with his child you should get the maximum so you can send your baby to better daycares, private school and any activities the child wants to be involved in. You also need to make sure your baby is covered under his insurance and that he has at least a $250,000 life insurance policy with you and your child as the beneficiary. You need to quit being meek about this situation. Show up at his job and tell him he can do this the easy way by going ahead and signing all the documentation now or the hard way. It's his choice. If you would happen to have a special needs child then the figures would rise quite a bit. However, you definitely need a lawyer. Let him pay those fees too.

[bentleychic]

Best wishes for an easy delivery!

[CarrieT]

I'm scared to call her.

Why? What do you think she will do?

 

When I spoke with her almost 2 months we agreed that I would I call her when I go into labor.

What was that conversation like? She *might* be supportive in all this...

[Pierre]

As a parent you will have to advocate for children quite often. You will be dealing with school systems, teachers, coaches, other parents, doctors and whole host of others. You do not need to concern yourself with how this going to affect the MM, his wife, family, employer or anyone else involved with him. You need to get the process of getting as much money out of him as the state law allows. In order to do that, you need to hire a lawyer in order to get the maximum allowed and also negotiate college tuition, books and expenses. For some reason most women neglect to negotiate that into the agreements. Since he has made it clear that he will not be involved with his child you should get the maximum so you can send your baby to better daycares, private school and any activities the child wants to be involved in. You also need to make sure your baby is covered under his insurance and that he has at least a $250,000 life insurance policy with you and your child as the beneficiary. You need to quit being meek about this situation. Show up at his job and tell him he can do this the easy way by going ahead and signing all the documentation now or the hard way. It's his choice. If you would happen to have a special needs child then the figures would rise quite a bit. However, you definitely need a lawyer. Let him pay those fees too.

 

That is much more than he would pay if he was married to the OP.

[Balzac]

that he has at least a $250,000 life insurance policy with you and your child as the beneficiary

 

Ok I'm laughing a big guffaw. The listed requirements and the paltry sum of life insurance do not connect. Great sense of humor though. Private college undergrad degree costs more than $200 grand today. Flash forward 18 years and just skip the cumulative expenses. Geesh.

[Pastypop]

So Balzac do you actually have kids? Are you spending 180K on tuition? I have four. Currently, I have one in college and I pay around 15k per year at a public university. It has probably cost me around 250k to raise this one with tuition included. Also the minimum child support payment in my area is $800.00 for the first child. So asking for all these things is not all excessive unless she wants her kid to grow up with nothing. I got everything I asked for with the oldest one ten years but, maybe it was because of the pictures that I provided for the lawyers that showed my child covered in bruises from his father's abuse.

[hurtnomorerika]

I had my baby girl. She was healthy no problems, just a beautiful baby girl. I'm so happy that part is over.

 

I did call her dad's mother to tell her the baby was coming just in case she wanted to be involved AND because she told me to call her. I haven't heard from her since we hung up. I also haven't heard from her dad at all. I'm pretty sure his mother informed him that the baby was coming. It hurts but, I'm focusing in my sweet baby because i know that in due time GOD will take care of it. I've already file CS, I'm just waiting to hear back to go to the next step.

 

I also think that he has moved from where they were living. He's just a lowdown scumbag. My feelings has made me want to call his wife so bad but I won't because she hasn't done anything to me. I just want to see him hurt like he has hurt us. I will NEVER get involved with MM man again, he consequences are to painful.

 

Do any of you think he even thinks about us?

 

Most people have told me that you would think he would do everything to keep me happy so that I won't contact his wife, but he's not trying to keep me happy. He knows i can call his wife and she works at the mall so it wouldn't be hard to get in touch with her. I'm so confused by his actions.

 

Do any of you think he will ever come around for his daughter?

 

Why would he do his own baby like that!?

[imbetteroff]

I had my baby girl. She was healthy no problems, just a beautiful baby girl. I'm so happy that part is over.

 

I did call her dad's mother to tell her the baby was coming just in case she wanted to be involved AND because she told me to call her. I haven't heard from her since we hung up. I also haven't heard from her dad at all. I'm pretty sure his mother informed him that the baby was coming. It hurts but, I'm focusing in my sweet baby because i know that in due time GOD will take care of it. I've already file CS, I'm just waiting to hear back to go to the next step.

 

I also think that he has moved from where they were living. He's just a lowdown scumbag. My feelings has made me want to call his wife so bad but I won't because she hasn't done anything to me. I just want to see him hurt like he has hurt us. I will NEVER get involved with MM man again, he consequences are to painful.

 

Do any of you think he even thinks about us?

 

He probably does, but not the kind of thoughts you would hope for.

 

Most people have told me that you would think he would do everything to keep me happy so that I won't contact his wife, but he's not trying to keep me happy. He knows i can call his wife and she works at the mall so it wouldn't be hard to get in touch with her. I'm so confused by his actions.

 

She works at the mall? What does MM do for a living?

 

Do any of you think he will ever come around for his daughter?

Maybe...hopefully.

 

Why would he do his own baby like that!?

 

He's a coward.

 

 

Just my opinion. Glad to hear you and your baby are doing alright.

[hurtnomorerika]

Just my opinion. Glad to hear you and your baby are doing alright.

 

Thanks for your response. I'm so confused, I'm just trying to find answers. He works at a paper mill plant.

[Ruffian1]

Glad you had a healthy baby. Try to just relax with her and bond.

 

My feelings has made me want to call his wife so bad but I won't because she hasn't done anything to me

 

Please consider letting this poor woman know what her POS husband has been up to. Be honest, the length of the affair, etc.

 

She has a right to know. Wouldn't you want to know if you were in her place. She is going to find out eventually, and feel like the biggest fool for being in the dark for so long.

 

Tell her. The truth is always the right thing to do.

[Balzac]

Do any of you think he will ever come around for his daughter?

 

Be careful what you wish for. Are you prepared for him to pick her up and take to his home? With his wife there? Every week or multiple times every week?

Is that what you mean by "coming around"?

 

You're vulnerable right now. I accept that you're feeling confused but there is nothing confusing about your situation. Until the moment that paternity is established, he's not a part of this baby.

[WrinkledForehead]

So Balzac do you actually have kids? Are you spending 180K on tuition? I have four. Currently, I have one in college and I pay around 15k per year at a public university. It has probably cost me around 250k to raise this one with tuition included. Also the minimum child support payment in my area is $800.00 for the first child. So asking for all these things is not all excessive unless she wants her kid to grow up with nothing. I got everything I asked for with the oldest one ten years but, maybe it was because of the pictures that I provided for the lawyers that showed my child covered in bruises from his father's abuse.

 

It all depends on the area and the institution. My BS will cost $150k. Because I'm a smarty pants and get scholarships & grants, my personal cost will be about $40k. Going on for a MA will be a different story, and then my PhD. But I'm hoping for full scholarships & stipends for the latter two programs.

 

And child support! Don't get me started. My ex was ordered $100 p/w for 2 kids. Two kids & $400 monthly! He doesn't pay a dime, and he moves by the time they follow up on any address changes of his that I submit. He's $18k in arrears.

 

Finances are all relative and that's my sole point. I suggest OP learn to support herself & her child, because in the end yourself is the only one who is responsible for yourself.

[WrinkledForehead]

Congrats on a healthy baby girl and delivery! I wish nothing but the best for you. There are resources out there for you; seek them out! My area (and I know other states have the same #) has a # you can call to find information on various resources someone might need. The number is 211. Try it out.

 

Best of luck as you build your life from here on out. It's not easy being a single mom at all, but can be very rewarding and empowering if you discover your inner strength.

[threelaurels]

Getting OP's child into a private school at an early age and remaining in one throughout high school will go a long way towards getting her daughter scholarships in college. I attended a private college where tuition was $50,000 a year, and I managed to make it out without debts thanks to my scholarships and the help of my wonderful parents.

 

It all depends on the area and the institution. My BS will cost $150k. Because I'm a smarty pants and get scholarships & grants, my personal cost will be about $40k. Going on for a MA will be a different story, and then my PhD. But I'm hoping for full scholarships & stipends for the latter two programs.

 

I would strongly advise you not to get a PhD unless you get into a program that will give you stipends and funding. Assistantships are far more than just getting money. You get to teach, interact with students, and work on research with professors (which will hopefully get you some publications)--all of which are essential experiences for getting a job once you graduate.

 

I shouldn't owe more than $10k by the time I finish my PhD, and I will most likely only have to take out loans if I can't handle teaching a class while studying for my comprehensive exams (which is likely). Once I start my dissertation, I should be back to teaching again.

 

Do any of you think he will ever come around for his daughter?

 

Be careful what you wish for. Are you prepared for him to pick her up and take to his home? With his wife there? Every week or multiple times every week?

Is that what you mean by "coming around"?

 

You're vulnerable right now. I accept that you're feeling confused but there is nothing confusing about your situation. Until the moment that paternity is established, he's not a part of this baby.

 

I agree with Balzac. If he wants a reduction in child support payments, he may try to seek out full or partial custody of the child. If that happens and his BS stays with him, she will be your daughter's stepmother and play a role in raising your child. I don't mean to make any generalizations about BSs here, but I imagine it would be very difficult to raise the child produced by your husband in an affair. I don't think the BS would abuse the child in any way, but I'm afraid your daughter may never really feel like she belongs in that house or is a part of their family.

[Balzac]

So asking for all these things is not all excessive unless she wants her kid to grow up with nothing. .

 

IF your critical reading skill was up to the task, it would be clear to you that I find no fault w the seeking of support in the maximum. My comment was that the sum of life insurance recommended was inadequate to provide the child with what was listed as requirements. Life insurance is low cost. What's the plan for providing over 22 years if the father has met w an untimely death?

 

What's relevant here is the ability to use actuarial numbers to factor the cost of items on her request. It's impotent to have been awarded all that she requested but fail to insure the man's life for the grand total. While it's true that the man could put into a non revocable trust the full determined sum of cash - nobody mentioned his willingness to do so. Either one of these actions would guarantee providing for the child through and undergraduate degree.