BruisedBNBroken Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I am one week out from seeing xAP for hopefully the last time for a long time. As collaborators on a work project, I know its most likely not the last time ever, but hopefully for a good few months. I'm in complete emotional turmoil. We emailed briefly over a week ago about possibly meeting for a drink and talking but never made any plans and haven't talked since. We will both be in St. Louis Sunday and Monday but our joint presentation is Monday. So many scenarios playing out in my head, I can't concentrate on anything else. Trying my hardest not to text/email and ask if we are meeting. It's killing me. More the unknown of, are we just going to run into each other, be professional, then go our seperate ways. I must maintain will power to not contact him once I'm there. And then, when I get on that plane home, knowing I need to implement NC/LC (work wise needs to be slightly LC.) Sorry for rambling. Just needed to write this out and tell someone. How did you all handle seeing xAP? I don't know how I'm going to get anything this week. I'm tempted to throw my stupid phone away. Every time a text comes in my heart drops. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I felt exactly how you did leading up to my expulsion of xMM. The last few days we did speak was hard as I was half tempted to cry. I missed him before he was gone. I still miss him. You are doing the right thing. As for xAP and seeing him..we are both supposed to attend the same concert next week. BS is going with him. It is at a smaller venue..and I don’t want to go; especially with the new revolutions with him contacting me. Keep on rambling on..we are here for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 Thanks HH! If you don't have to go to the concert, I would try to avoid it. I tried desperately to get out of this trip, but as the lead attorney, it became sort of strange that I kept asking if others could take my place. Plus I've worked extremely hard on this project and I can't let my ridiculous feelings get in the way of celebrating a big accomplishment. Think about how seeing your xMM especially with the BS will make you feel. Not sure how much you like the band/act, but probably not worth the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Think about how seeing your xMM especially with the BS will make you feel. Not sure how much you like the band/act, but probably not worth the pain. Yeah I think about this... I have avoided shopping in certain places at certain times in case he is there working & I see him. Or in case he is there with his family. it would hurt me to see them together or see him purely because I wonder what he would be thinking... I can't imagine it would be anything good... That said, I am starting to get to a point where I think this man and his wife are not that special, as in why am I scared to go about my business for fear of seeing them? They do not hold the keys to the city; I have a right to shop, eat and go where I want (even if it is close to where he might be) without worrying that I might glimpse him or them and this will hurt or offend them. Think about your concert...was it a long awaited treat? Time and money spent getting tickets for a group who might tour every couple of years...Do you really want to miss it? If it wasn't for the affair situation would you still go? Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 This was a long awaited concert for a band doing limited appearances. The venue only holds 5k...but still :/ Sarabi, I understand what you say about it just isn't their city, but it is a bit different now since he has contacted me. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 The thing is, as much as it hurts, by avoiding things and places that you WANT to be, you are still allowing them so much power over you. Get some friends together and GO! HH, our town venue holds about that many people, too for concerts. I'd take some friends with me and if I saw exMM, just steer the other direction. There is NO reason that you shouldn't be able to enjoy what you want to enjoy. I know I went to a concert where my exH was (he can still boil my blood! LOL) and I found out first thing WHERE he was located and stayed on the other side of the building so I didn't have to ruin my night by seeing his mug! :-p Still went to the concert, though! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 The thing is, as much as it hurts, by avoiding things and places that you WANT to be, you are still allowing them so much power over you. Get some friends together and GO! HH, our town venue holds about that many people, too for concerts. I'd take some friends with me and if I saw exMM, just steer the other direction. There is NO reason that you shouldn't be able to enjoy what you want to enjoy. I know I went to a concert where my exH was (he can still boil my blood! LOL) and I found out first thing WHERE he was located and stayed on the other side of the building so I didn't have to ruin my night by seeing his mug! :-p Still went to the concert, though! Thank you, Bentley. It is a power thing I won't let him have. I'm too excited for this concert for me to miss it. This show is all GA...so his location is fair game as is mine. My friends whom I'm going with doesn't really know what happened, but, if I tell them where I want to move to, I'm sure they'll gladly do it. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Enjoy your concert! That's something I've picked up in the last few years. Have always loved music, but spent so much time catering to everyone else (kids, exH) that I never took time for myself. I've seen probably 40+ bands in the past 2 years, including some multiple times. (Some of those are all day events with multiple bands so isn't nearly as much time away from the kids as it might appear. ) Music makes everything better. I'd rather give up sex than music. hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 I can't concentrate!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I can't concentrate!!! You can do this. Take a five or ten minute walk. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths. Go buy an ice cream cone. Go dribble a basketball. Braid something. You can do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 You can do this. Take a five or ten minute walk. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths. Go buy an ice cream cone. Go dribble a basketball. Braid something. You can do this. Thanks Lady!! I was laughing at the Braid something!! I went for a walk, paid some bills and had a glass of wine! One day down, 6 to go. It's the unknown that's killing me most. I'm such a planner in every aspect. I obsess about details. Just wish I knew what to prepare for - are we gonna talk, are we gonna say hi and pretend nothing happened. Why why why why did I get myself in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 How do you plan on ending the A? In person, email, phone? You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 How do you plan on ending the A? In person, email, phone? You can do it! No need to really end it, as its already over. Just need to institute the NC/LC. My plan now is to send a text (already written out) when I get on the plane, saying please do not contact me on any non business related matters and have a nice life. If we end up talking in person on Monday in private then I can do it then. This is why the unknown is killing me. I sort of have a plan but its so contingent on a variety of logistics. Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Seven days of emotional torture. What about the days after these seven? Does it ever really end? I am freaking dying inside I am following this thread as I look forward to your update once you have seen him. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No need to really end it, as its already over. Just need to institute the NC/LC. My plan now is to send a text (already written out) when I get on the plane, saying please do not contact me on any non business related matters and have a nice life. If we end up talking in person on Monday in private then I can do it then. This is why the unknown is killing me. I sort of have a plan but its so contingent on a variety of logistics. At least you have a plan of sort in place, and a back-up. Do you think he knows this is coming? How are things going with your M and IC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Seven days of emotional torture. What about the days after these seven? Does it ever really end? I am freaking dying inside I am following this thread as I look forward to your update once you have seen him. Oh LimeBlue I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm not familiar with your story, I will have to go back and read your past threads. Believe me, I'm not delusional in thinking this pain is only going to last 7 days. I also know seeing him is going to absolutely suck and be horrible, no matter the circumstance. But my A was sort of an exit A and a distraction from my real world problems, which I have to still deal with. So my pain after I see him this last time will shift to grief getting over him and then the pain of the real work I need to do in my M and my life. I'm in for a rough road ahead and I know it, but I created this mess and I need to clean it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 At least you have a plan of sort in place, and a back-up. Do you think he knows this is coming? How are things going with your M and IC? He definitely knows and I don't think he cares. He's single (D with kids) and I'm sure he's already moved on and out of this mess. Easy for him to do so I guess. IC is going well. I've been going once a week and getting to the bottom of the void I've been trying to fill and other issues. Haven't yet addressed the M issues with H. I need to end contact with xAP, grieve, try to break out of this fog, and be thinking a little more clearly before I do that. I know it sounds like excuses, but I don't want to project on my H and I want to be able to have a conversation when I'm in a little better emotional state. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks Lady!! I was laughing at the Braid something!! I went for a walk, paid some bills and had a glass of wine! One day down, 6 to go. It's the unknown that's killing me most. I'm such a planner in every aspect. I obsess about details. Just wish I knew what to prepare for - are we gonna talk, are we gonna say hi and pretend nothing happened. Why why why why did I get myself in this situation. I was trying to think of activities that kept your hands and mind busy, using two or more parts of your body but didn't require detailed brain power. I was just a few minutes behind you when you posted. I was thinking fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 The self inflicted emotional torture continues but at least the countdown continues to tick. I broke down. I called him. I had to break the cycle of uncertainty. It was a very casual short conversation. We both acknowledged it was going to be ackward to see each other Monday and neither of us wanted to commit to potentially meeting before or after. So we just left it that we would play it by ear. The uncertainty continues. The torture continues. The sadness continues. But the countdown is on. Please someone knock some sense into me. Someone tell me not to push for the "one last time, one last hoorah." Someone tell me how much worse I will feel if I do that and to just be professional, be sad, and keep my distance. Let me have it!!! I need reality. Link to post Share on other sites
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