UnicornGirl Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Hi all, I'm having a really hard time today. (Background: it's been three months since the breakup of my ex and I; we had a rough few months and things reached a breaking point. I want him back and am trying to overcome the guilt I feel from treating him badly. As of late we're doing great when we spend time together but not so great on the phone -- he sounds distant and nonchalant and rarely opens up.) I talked to my ex twice today -- he's at home for a week on a vacation from college. The first time he was pretty nonchalant and we didn't really get to talk because he was in line somewhere. Then I called him a few hours later because I wanted to tell him I was really happy we were going to have dinner on Sunday. I asked him what he was doing today and he was going to a political event with an old (male) friend of his. I said that was great and to have fun, and asked if he'd seen anyone else this week. He said earlier this week he had gone out to dinner with another old (male) friend, and told me some news about his trip to Europe last semester. In the previous conversation he hadn't revealed any details about his week, and had just said he had gotten a lot of sleep. I'm finding it so hard to deal with that he is spending time with these people because I imagine him telling them how we have broken up ... we've been together for three and a half years and these are old friends who have seen us together a lot. I have no idea if he's told them this but I can't imagine it not coming up in their conversation, especially with the guy he's going out with tonight. I can't describe the pain I feel in thinking about these situations, and trying to push these thoughts away is so difficult because I feel that this will kind of "seal the deal" for him and make him not want to get back together (we had decided that our future was open-ended and we could get back together or not). Does anyone have experience with a situation like this? Does telling mutual friends "it's over" really make it impossible to get back together? In particular those of you that are with your exes again or on that path, what has been your experience with situations like this? Sigh ... I probably just shouldn't have called him again. But I was overwhelmed by this joy that I was going to see him again and just felt this outpouring of love and emotion, and realized I probably hadn't told him how wonderful it was to know that we'd be spending some time together soon. He probably thought it was sweet but might have been a little confused since we had agreed the next time we'd talk was when he finalized his travel plans in the next day or so. It's so painful to feel that he's not telling me the details of his daily life as he always did; like going to this event and the dinner and what's going on with his family. Every time I ask him he says nothing much is going on. But then again, I never really tell him details of my life ... then again, he doesn't ask .... Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 While not the same thing, when I was trying to work stuff out with my ex I kept thinking about how she most likely was talking to ehr friends about me and they were most likely giving her advice. It pissed me off because they didn't know me and I figured they were giving her some crap advice esepcially since she probably gave them her side of the situation and not the truth...she is a person who would casually leave out key details or skew the truth to make it seem like she was right. So yeah, it bugged me back then because I just figured she would listen to them (note that her friends she would have got advcie form aren't relationship experts and they are well, not mature people at all) rather than hear me out. I think she did do this and then after a while realized she should have listened to me at the time hence why she apologized to me for what happened. After a while that feeling of being pissed off went away and i jsut felt that hey, if she really wants to listen to those girls then by all means she can do it because she is hurting herself by doing it. Now I jsut don't give once ounce of care if she still talks to her friends about stuff regarding me (we are back hanging out/in communication) because I realize it isn't something I can control and if she really puts value into what they say then oh well, her problem because again, they never even really knew me since I only spent more than 5 minutes around one of her friends during the time we were together. The others I just met for a min or two. I say try nto to think about him talking to friends about you/what happened and if you do, realize it could turn out positive. Maybe they will tell him it was a bad move and talk him back to hooking up with you. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 It might not be all bad... Maybe seeing all those old friends can bring up good memories of the two of you... they could be having conversations like "Remember that time you guys were together and..." So don't worry about it and worry about what your going wear and how your doing your hair so that you can look drop dead gorgeous when he see's you again for dinner Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I agree with EC on this one. I know it sucks that he'll be talking about the breakup because it makes things seem so final. Try not to dwell on that, but on the things that are within your control instead. Hair is a nice occasional diversion! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Worry about & work on the stuff that you can directly affect. You don't know what he's telling these people & unless you're actually there (or electronically bug the guy!) you never will. So don't sweat it - it's not good for you. As weird & EC have pointed out - if you can believe that what you have no evidence for can be bad, then you can also believe it can be good. --------------------------- btw - I really like that arabian proverb in your signature Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Does anyone have experience with a situation like this? Does telling mutual friends "it's over" really make it impossible to get back together? In particular those of you that are with your exes again or on that path, what has been your experience with situations like this? It definitely makes future reconciliation more difficult, but it doesn't make it impossible. In August of 2003, my TBXW sat me down and admitted that she'd been miserable for the whole marriage and had cheated many times. After a two-month nominal attempt at reconciliation, she said she didn't want to try anymore. We split a month later (just about a year ago). Among my many emotions were intense anger towards her. Many of our mutual friends gravitated to my side, and I talked to them about what had happened and what she did. I was definitely less than charitable with a lot of the things I said. However, that didn't stop her from making three separate attempts to get back together, or me from making two attempts of my own. And there was (and still is) a LOT of scorched earth between us. The attempts all ended in nothing, but the mere fact that there was any interest at all in rebuilding (both on her part and on mine) after the separation surprised the hell out of me. Frankly, if people in a break-up situation as ugly as mine can later be interested in trying again, anyone can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnicornGirl Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 Thank you all for your advice! I think I can deal with it better now after thinking on it and reading what you all have to say. I guess what I need to do more often is assume things are going well, but tell myself that I shouldn't expect huge results right now, since he's taking things pretty slowly. The plus side of all of this is that I feel like when we were first dating -- jittery when I'm about to call him, overjoyed to spend time with him, and wondering a lot about what he's thinking when I'm not there. He doesn't respond to everything I do in attempt to get closer again, but so far I've found that the less I expect a response, the more response he gives. I've gotten no response to emails I've written him, questions like "Why are you calling me?", etc., but also unexpected hugs and caring comments that can't be entirely unromantic in nature. It's also hard not to see him spending time with these old friends he hasn't seen in years as an insult -- I kind of feel like maybe he's feeling that I kept him from spending time with them in the past and now he's relieved to be rid of me... But he wouldn't drive an hour and a half out of his way on the way home and the way back to come visit me for a meal if he wasn't interested. And we did say we'd take time to develop our own lives for a while and be in contact less. Maybe instead it's as you said, Confused ... maybe he's thinking of me during these times. ... I just miss him so much! One good thing I've read recently says that a breakup should be loving -- that only when you give up your resentment and anger against the person who is leaving you or who you are leaving can you open yourself up to the potential for love again. That sometimes people enter into our lives to help us grow, and then they have to leave after that. That sometimes only through a breakup in which you love your ex, and don't stop loving them when you leave them, can you see that they're not the right person for you. The comforting thing about this is that I still feel he's the right person for me, and that we just reached a difficult point in our relationship and are learning to deal. I just hope it's the same for him .... Link to post Share on other sites
BlueRaincoat Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 Originally posted by UnicornGirl As of late we're doing great when we spend time together but not so great on the phone -- he sounds distant and nonchalant and rarely opens up. My ex-boyfriend is the same way, and I don't understand it. I have tried not to talk to him much this last month, but he took me to a concert a few days ago and was so sweet, loving, and affectionate. It's so confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnicornGirl Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 Originally posted by BlueRaincoat My ex-boyfriend is the same way, and I don't understand it. I have tried not to talk to him much this last month, but he took me to a concert a few days ago and was so sweet, loving, and affectionate. It's so confusing. It's crazy! I would never do such a thing unless I was purposefully trying to make my guy feel bad. Men ... who can understand them? ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnicornGirl Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Hair is a nice occasional diversion! yes it is! especially since I know my ex loves my hair. it's kind of sneaky, but it's fun to look nice for him and see that it makes a difference. but then again, people are naturally attracted to people that take care of themselves and show some self-love. add that to the emotional bond you've shared with an ex, that you're probably both missing at least some of the time, and you've got quite the hot date! Link to post Share on other sites
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