Arghh breaking no contact

[fanine]

I feel so stuck and don't know what to do. I said it was over, I said I needed more.....after 18 months.....my MM has small kids. He says he won't leave his family....I said I wanted more in my life than this. I want a family too...

 

After 3 days of NC he calls. I find it impossible not to answer, I do not have the strength to ignore. He ends up coming around for the night, stays all night, all the next day. We had an amazing time. We talked for hours, about our relationship, about us, our likes, dislikes, everything. First real proper talk.

 

He went away for 10 days back to his home country. He contacted me when there. I met him at at the airport saturday and he stayed all evening with me until I took him home very late.

 

I worked yesterday. He suddenly calls me at 1.30am. Rather drunk. Said he had wanted to spend the evening with me (which we hadn't planned) but had to see a friend. He talked about our relationship, how we must make the best of it, when we can. He also had some troubles he wanted to talk about....Asked if I was free today. I said yes. So he said he would come around at lunchtime and we could spend the day together. He said he wanted a lovely day with me. I was pleased...

 

So he texted me first thing this morning about a trivial thing we are doing on ebay. We had a quick exchange. Around 12.30 I texted and said okay I've done all my jobs, so can pick him up when he's ready. Half an hour later he texts and says actually i want to stay at home with the kids!! Maybe later....

 

This is my one day off this week. I had planned my day around this. I was left all alone as too late to find any friends free in the daytime! I was pissed...but I tried to be understanding. I said okay, well let me know around 5ish about later as if you are busy - I will make other plans.

 

So he doesnt reply at all. We needed to talk about a couple of things as well. He has done this before but I thought he had stopped. I never heard anything - so of course I texted even more to try and get a response. Nothing - not a single text.

 

My final text I said i was going out but if i respect the fact his kids come first, please communicate properly with me. If we are to make the most of this, I said communication was the key, so no misunderstandings, confusion. I said when he cancels last minute, it leaves me alone and too late to make other plans - so I am by myself.

 

I am furious I let him treat me like this. It really pissed my day around. He has most of the week with the kids.....what really hurts though is this hot and cold - how it mixes my emotions. Last night he is telling me on the phone how I special I am to him - then he cannot even reply to me!!!

 

He does this to me every once in a while and seems to have no clue why it should upset me....it is like he disappears into his shell.

 

I feel like **** now....because also I know he is probably pissed that I fired off all those texts....my issue was not meeting - it was being messed around!

 

but then I know in the long run this is stupid. I would not accept this from a single guy - let alone someone with so many complications!!!! He is married, I cannot have my dream, even though we see each other 3-4 times a week usually.

 

I am too weak to ignore him when I try NC and he calls me. He knows too now I will always come back.

 

Other than literally leaving the country I really dont know what to do.

[brittanyanderson]

I am too weak to ignore him when I try NC and he calls me. He knows too now I will always come back.

 

I think this is the most dangerous thing, when they know that we can't stay away from them and will always come back. It makes it so easy for them to take advantage of us and feel powerful over us. The only way to break this is to be 100% stern and serious about leaving him and never talking to him again.

 

Of course, I need to take my own advice :/ trying to figure out how to do that.

[fanine]

I think this is the most dangerous thing, when they know that we can't stay away from them and will always come back. It makes it so easy for them to take advantage of us and feel powerful over us. The only way to break this is to be 100% stern and serious about leaving him and never talking to him again.

 

Of course, I need to take my own advice :/ trying to figure out how to do that.

 

I find it impossible though not to answer. I tried to end it on good terms in the past. He sometimes says i deserve better, that this is not fair on me. But when I try to end it amicably he never understands.....I don't want to be on bad terms. I'm not on bad terms with anyone, even my ex husband, ex boyfriends.

 

It took only 3 days this time for him to call me, begging to talk. But then days like today basically he treats me like ****. Hot and cold. I know he goes through times when he feels guilty about this all, but when he does feel like that he ignores me and upsets me!

 

Why he cant at least talk - I would feel so much better if when he was feeling down he would just say so. Rather than ignore me. I would accept it even if he said he had to concentrate on his family, and we could part amicably. Even though of course it would hurt

 

This is what hurts me so much.....but I really don't know how to get out of it. I simply dont have the power to ignore him when he contacts me. He lives so near, we have spent so much of the last 18 months together...

 

I really do feel getting work somewhere else would be the only way to break this addiction....