This board could be bad for a relationship

[bentleychic]

LOL I've started being very up front (more) with what I want and need since coming to this board and bringing up subjects because of this board, including needing to know dates when X will happen, what will happen if X happens, etc., etc., as well as becoming more skeptical about EVERYTHING (and I honestly hate to be like this in a relationship, but feel it's to protect myself at this point).

 

It may make or break my relationship.

 

My friend (WS having multiple A, I didn't know this about friend until AFTER I got involved with a MM, ftr) is the only one that I've told about this board and says it's bad for my peace of mind to come here.

 

I think knowledge is power, although it certainly hurts to see the same ole' lines that I've heard being said here. Makes you wonder if there's a cheaters hand book out there with all of these lines that draw us in. "Cheating for dummies", maybe?

 

I'm curious if others out there that gained knowledge and power by coming to this board changed their relationship and how? Ended it, asked for more, etc., etc.

[hippetyhop]

This board definitely gave me the courage to end my A and stick to NC.

 

I've learned the ins and outs of cheater's tactics and the extremes they will go. I have seen how infidelity hurts all people involved.

[bentleychic]

(I should also say the title of my post is very tongue in cheek. )

[brittanyanderson]

I think knowledge is power, although it certainly hurts to see the same ole' lines that I've heard being said here. Makes you wonder if there's a cheaters hand book out there with all of these lines that draw us in. "Cheating for dummies", maybe?

 

yup, I've seen some other threads here about what MM said and they're almost always identical to what he tells me. Ew. Makes me sick.

[MissBee]

I think reading here can definitely open the eyes of someone who has been wearing rose-tinted glasses and help them to be more realistic and informed....knowledge and awareness are indeed powerful.

[bentleychic]

See, I thought I was being pretty realistic myself and not wearing rose tinted glasses at all, but hearing some of the exact lines that he's used on me makes me sick to my stomach for sure, as the poster above said. They're not so sweet and special when you see the exact lines have been used on other women by other MM.

 

Just makes me wonder WHY/HOW they get these lines. They know what to say or is there some cheaters board somewhere that tells them? I've gotten the whole "you're my best friend", "I wish I'd met you X years ago" (I'll try not to roll my eyes next time he says this b/c now I'll think it's just a line), etc.

[fanine]

See, I thought I was being pretty realistic myself and not wearing rose tinted glasses at all, but hearing some of the exact lines that he's used on me makes me sick to my stomach for sure, as the poster above said. They're not so sweet and special when you see the exact lines have been used on other women by other MM.

 

Just makes me wonder WHY/HOW they get these lines. They know what to say or is there some cheaters board somewhere that tells them? I've gotten the whole "you're my best friend", "I wish I'd met you X years ago" (I'll try not to roll my eyes next time he says this b/c now I'll think it's just a line), etc.

 

Ha yes I get the 'if only we had met ten years ago' before he met his wife. I do try to explain well ten years ago we were different people and may not have felt the same. (and i think to myself well yes 9 years ago when you met you wife you obviously thought she was the one, and that has changed too...)

 

Ten years ago I met my husband....but after 8 years we both changed, and the marriage didn't work. So I left.....

 

The insincere MM - they obviously have a gift......mine knows exactly what to say.....how he can behave...also because I let him....

[bentleychic]

Ha yes I get the 'if only we had met ten years ago' before he met his wife. I do try to explain well ten years ago we were different people and may not have felt the same. (and i think to myself well yes 9 years ago when you met you wife you obviously thought she was the one, and that has changed too...)

 

Ten years ago I met my husband....but after 8 years we both changed, and the marriage didn't work. So I left.....

 

The insincere MM - they obviously have a gift......mine knows exactly what to say.....how he can behave...also because I let him....

 

Exactly! And I always say that same thing, too! LOL I was a different person then! (He generally says X years ago which is actually before I met my exH, too b/c he wishes WE had the family together and I didn't have them with ex. He wanted the big family, he never got that. So he doesn't just say before he married his BS. He says before I married my exH and started our family.)

[jlola]

This board really opened my eyes to human nature in general. I am one who is very aware of "pick up lines". But hearing things MM or MW say to people am more of a skeptic now.

 

I remember some woman here recently who was having an affair with a man from Craigslist who she purchased something from. She was flattered at how sweet he was when he sent her an email telling her he found her beautiful.

 

I have had that happen with one man who had a girlfriend who was doing some photoshop work for me and another who was married I purchased a laptop from.

 

I thought it was flattering and sweet from the website guy since he was young and spoke about his girlfriend in such a good way. Now I see how people fish. MM did the same,fishing to see if I was prone to flattery.

 

Her post made me realize how vulnerable people are when we are given compliments. How we begin to trust people who give them, or be flattered by them, or attracted to the ones who say it. We neglect their character or make excuses when they make us feel good.

 

Compliments from men I am suspect to. The best compliment I ever received was when a little girl about 4 at a store looked at me and asked if I was a princess, because I looked like Princess Jasmine. That always makes me smile since children are pure and do not use flattery to manipulate the way adults do.

[Pierre]

 

Just makes me wonder WHY/HOW they get these lines. They know what to say or is there some cheaters board somewhere that tells them? I've gotten the whole "you're my best friend", "I wish I'd met you X years ago" (I'll try not to roll my eyes next time he says this b/c now I'll think it's just a line), etc.

 

The lines are similar because the English language has only so many words/

 

With few exceptions these men have not read the chater's manual. Whn they say ILY, it comes from the heart. When they start making plans for the future the feel that one day they will become a reality.

 

 

This is the deal: These men live in two universes and when there is a d-day the clash of two different universes may change everything. All the ILYs were real, but cannot work within the unification of the two universes. Likewise, the plans for the future fall off the table. Some in this board call this future faking, but I believe these men actually believe their own words when they made plans.

 

Hyperbole is the order of the day in many affairs----------and it comes from both sides.

 

Good Luck!!

[bentleychic]

Aha. See, I'm sitting here thinking it's all a line, just a line. So these men (some) actually believe themselves? Hmmm...I keep getting the "I wouldn't string you along if I didn't think there was a future." line now and...gah...I am suspect of everything right now. Think I hate living like that more than I hate the roller coaster, to be honest.

[fanine]

Aha. See, I'm sitting here thinking it's all a line, just a line. So these men (some) actually believe themselves? Hmmm...I keep getting the "I wouldn't string you along if I didn't think there was a future." line now and...gah...I am suspect of everything right now. Think I hate living like that more than I hate the roller coaster, to be honest.

 

I do agree with Pierre in many ways. I think some of these MM get carried away with it all....they do in some part of their brain see this future with us.....they are dreamers....but that is what it is - a cozy dream....I do think mine cares about me. I know whenever he has big trouble etc he calls me straight away. I've had the drunken phone calls (great eh?) late at night from him.....

 

but then the reality sinks in....and certainly in the case with my MM, he will not sort out his marriage....and his wife is obviously not bothered he stays away at least a couple of nights a week...I think it is crazy they stay together. I hear how he talks to her on the phone, how the day before he went away for ten days he was with me a whole night and whole day.....but in the end that is their choice...

 

Mine keeps saying to me, we can be okay like this. I see on TV people in far worse situations...blah blah blah. But if he sorted it out properly - he could still be there for his kids. Frankly I think it is bad for small children to grow up in such an environment and much healthier for them to see their parents with other people, if they really care about each other....

[bentleychic]

I'm definitely not sticking my head in the sand. Which makes what I'm doing even more stupid, I know.

 

I love him and I'm hoping he proves me wrong. I've already told him the statistics and told him that I don't want to be one of them. I know you've all heard it before, but yes, I do love him.

[KathyM]

Some MM might mean what they say when they say it, but when it comes right down to it, they don't have the guts to carry it through (making a choice), and don't want to lose what they have with their wife/family. So they cake eat, in order to not have to make a choice.

 

Then there are those MM who don't mean what they say, but are just future faking, in order for you to engage in or continue in the affair. Plenty of men like that out there as well. They'll tell you what they think you want/need to hear in order for them to get what they want from you. Those are cake eaters also, of the more predatory kind.

[fanine]

I'm definitely not sticking my head in the sand. Which makes what I'm doing even more stupid, I know.

 

I love him and I'm hoping he proves me wrong. I've already told him the statistics and told him that I don't want to be one of them. I know you've all heard it before, but yes, I do love him.

 

I love mine. I am pretty sure he loves me. BUT i cannot live as the OW for years and years. I cannot see him sorting out his home situation.

 

The kids are tiny. I dont want to suddenly be in my 50s and realise I have wasted so much time.....

 

I want a man I can build a home with.....I cant be in a position where it is impossible to plan...where i am basically last on the list of priorities...

[bentleychic]

I love mine. I am pretty sure he loves me. BUT i cannot live as the OW for years and years. I cannot see him sorting out his home situation.

 

The kids are tiny. I dont want to suddenly be in my 50s and realise I have wasted so much time.....

 

I want a man I can build a home with.....I cant be in a position where it is impossible to plan...where i am basically last on the list of priorities...

 

I do have a time line/limit in place. He is aware that I will only stay X amount of time at the longest without things changing and maybe not even that long if/when I get fed up before then.

 

Just hope I have the strength to walk at that point if it comes and goes without anything happening.

[fanine]

I do have a time line/limit in place. He is aware that I will only stay X amount of time at the longest without things changing and maybe not even that long if/when I get fed up before then.

 

Just hope I have the strength to walk at that point if it comes and goes without anything happening.

 

I kept giving myself time limits...and 18 months down the line still here! He knows if I say it is over, a few days later he will break the NC and I am sucked back in.....I know in the back of my mind a little voice keeps saying, well if it goes on long enough, one day it will all be sorted out. But I have to face reality. I hate this roller coaster, I'm getting the silent treatment now and feel so ****. He really messed me around today and I am made to feel bad! The kids is always the excuse and I am made to feel bad if I even slightly complain when I am let down 5 mins before we supposed to have the day together......I hate this whole thing so much....

[Betterthanthis13]

Someone made a thread called, "reading the infidelity board cures you"-I don't remember exactly what was in it but I knew what she meant before I even clicked on it.

 

I'm not OW, I'm BS(technically, i dont know if i count as a real BS because my xbf was a serial cheater with one night stands and escorts so there is really no one particular OW except pink and black thong girl and gym girl that I know of)

 

ANYWAY

 

After DDay about 6 weeks ago I started posting on the infidelity board when I was a complete zombie mess, and I started reading everything on the OW/OM board even though I didn't dare post anything.

 

I could not believe my eyes, I swear to you this place has changed my life. Reading OW/OM and Infidelity is curing me for sure.

 

I don't think it has made me more cynical- just smarter and more aware that somebpeople think very differently from how I think- and that I am not always right, and that I have a lot more to learn, and that I need to look out for myself, especially when it comes to men. They are tricky.

 

I still live with the cheater. He is making every effort to "win me back" or something like that. If it weren't for LS, I probably would be falling right back into his trap. I do still love the jerk. But reading and posting on here every day keeps me mentally strong (along with lots of therapy and girl friends)

 

So I don't have to be mean to him. I am not fighting with him. I'm just dealing with the situation for what it is until I can make the changes necessary. But I'm doing it with my eyes wide open, knowing full well what reality is, not making up some imaginary nonsense in my head about how he is different and blah blah. If I do make the decision to stay with this guy, I am making damn sure I realize full well what a stupid thing it is I am actually doing. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck......

 

No, he is not very fond of my new attitude. I don't care. Screw him. I am not going to play "make believe you are awesome even though you are a scumbag" anymore. I'm doing all this with a big smile on my face.

 

In conclusion- LS is probably not great for your relationship if your relationship is bad for you. LS is probably good for YOU. There are some wacky people here. I might be one of them. Don't believe everything you read

[veryhappy]

There have been people who complained that participating on this board made them more paranoic about their affair, mostly with no reason. Some people come and see the light, come get the strength to end things.

 

Affairs are supposed to happen after a manual, and that is said to diminish its authenticity. There are a lot of human experiences that have a manual and nobody complains that doesn't make them real - falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, having children, buying a house. I bet the same patters and phrases happen over and over again. As long as there hasn't been intentional deception, I consider the experience (affair) autherntic. Especially BS feel the need to make sure the experience is reduced to nothing so their lives make sense. A remorseful WS will also reduce it to a mistake to process it for R.

 

My personal experience is slightly atypical as I initiated my affair. I came here reading before getting really entangled into the affair, and returned when I knew I wanted to end it. I was still hoping to be one of the few, but I ended up being a statistic. The moments when I came to the board my mind was made up on where I was going, and fortunatelly I didn't get to doubt myself by reading the threads here. I would say the main thing I got from this forum is that time doesn't do anything for the AP hoping for a relationship. More time is only more pain. It made it really clear for me that I shouldn't fall for the request for more time (which usually translates in years for those who accept being dragged along).

[bentleychic]

I'm a cynical person to start with. LOL I have always had a very, very hard trusting anyone or anything anyone says. My dad is probably the only person in my life that I've ever trusted 100%.

 

As I tell MM, considering I don't like to "share" and I have a hard time trusting anyone, I sure did put myself in a pretty screwed up situation/relationship, didn't I?!

 

And yes, I'm settling. Yes, I deserve more. What he is, who he is, is everything I want and more and I wouldn't consider it settling...except for that whole married thing. :-/ (tongue in cheek)

[canuckprincess]

My neighbour who is also involved with a mm says I need to stop reading this crap cause just because one mm throws an ow under the bus on dday doesn't mean they all will. Also how do I compare a 7 and half year loving relationship to a brief affair. Whenever I hear of a mm going NC after dday #2 I get worried mine will follow suit. I know it's like comparing apples to oranges but I can't help but worry.

[Pierre]

There have been people who complained that participating on this board made them more paranoic about their affair, mostly with no reason. Some people come and see the light, come get the strength to end things.

 

Affairs are supposed to happen after a manual, and that is said to diminish its authenticity. There are a lot of human experiences that have a manual and nobody complains that doesn't make them real - falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, having children, buying a house. I bet the same patters and phrases happen over and over again. As long as there hasn't been intentional deception, I consider the experience (affair) autherntic. Especially BS feel the need to make sure the experience is reduced to nothing so their lives make sense. A remorseful WS will also reduce it to a mistake to process it for R.

 

My personal experience is slightly atypical as I initiated my affair. I came here reading before getting really entangled into the affair, and returned when I knew I wanted to end it. I was still hoping to be one of the few, but I ended up being a statistic. The moments when I came to the board my mind was made up on where I was going, and fortunatelly I didn't get to doubt myself by reading the threads here. I would say the main thing I got from this forum is that time doesn't do anything for the AP hoping for a relationship. More time is only more pain. It made it really clear for me that I shouldn't fall for the request for more time (which usually translates in years for those who accept being dragged along).

 

I have always stated that affair feelings are quite real. This is important for those that feel they were lied to.

[canuckprincess]

After 7 years, I don't think you really need to worry about what's going to happen. Probably the next 7 years will look very similar to the last. I'm glad you're here. I think your story shows others, just how long they can stay trapped (even willingly) with a MM, and all his promises, multiple ddays, and no movement toward an open relationship with the OW.

 

Thank you, however I'm not trapped. I choose to stay and I get more from mm then I could ever get from a single guy, shy of living together and I'm ok with that. I hope the next 7 are as wonderful as the last 7 have been.

[KathyM]

Thank you, however I'm not trapped. I choose to stay and I get more from mm then I could ever get from a single guy, shy of living together and I'm ok with that. I hope the next 7 are as wonderful as the last 7 have been.

Well, if you're satisfied with sharing a man with his wife, never having an open relationship with him, never living with him or having any kind of status or importance other than as the OW, then, unfortunately, you will never experience anything better or even know what you are missing, since you will never experience anything better. As long as you are OK with the status quo, nothing will change. Apparently, you are OK with your limited role. It's unfortunate that you don't wish it to be anything more than that, or are willing to tolerate it being nothing more than that.

[Pierre]

Thank you, however I'm not trapped. I choose to stay and I get more from mm then I could ever get from a single guy, shy of living together and I'm ok with that. I hope the next 7 are as wonderful as the last 7 have been.

 

You are rationalizing. However, it works for you.