Rules for successful dating

[Rachel]

I have met this interesting wonderful man about 3 weeks ago. We have gone out a few times and talked on the phone on a regular basis.

 

I know Tony is an advocate of the one who cares the least is in control of the relationship. But, maybe you could share some ground rules of "playing the game" so to speak.

 

Do I call at all or not?

 

He is in second year of residency(medical school), and therefore incredibly overworked and tired. I want to be understanding (and I do understand) the long hours, etc. I know that means he doesn't have much energy to plan interesting dates. However, I don't want to fall into a pattern of "just a convenience date", or having to plan everything myself. Yet he has definitely made time to see me and do things with me. Also, he is somewhat new to town.

 

How can I find out if his intentions are just "casual dating" or really perhaps a "relationship". I have been really hurt over the past couple of relationships and am not interested in just "dating for the sake of dating". I am more interested in getting to know him and him getting to know me. How do I find out if that's also what he's interested in? I don't want to have sex with him until I find out, because I don't want to be hurt. However, I don't feel like I can corner him in a corner with questions that may send him away forever.

 

Help! I need a game plan.. I feel like I really screwed up my past relation ships by 1)being too available 2)not communicating well with previous boyfriends about my intentions. I see nothing wrong with dating. But if they are not interested in a relationship , how can I find that out from the get go?

[Rachel]

Tony, you seem to have a lot of wisdom and although my problen seems trivial, I think I could use some guidance.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

You picked the wrong guy to use rules for successful dating on. However, I will give you some good tips on how to date a physician.

 

This guy has spent many years in school and he's not about to put you or any other female before his profession, not at this point anyway. Physician residency is a highly demanding phase of medical training and he will devote every ounce of energy he has into that. Anybody who tries to come in between that will get clobbered. Don't even try.

 

If you really want this doc, just be there when he's not tired and has some time to go out. In this case, he won't be using you for his convenience. His schedule will be unpredictable and his level of energy will be likewise. Since he is human, he desires female companionship but, again, there is just no way he can be devoted to any relationship other than with his career at this time...so just accept that.

 

Now, if you stick by him...if he is fond of you...if you are understanding and there for him during this period, you stand to make out big time when his residency is completed. As a general rule, doctors don't have a lot of time to date around. Chances are excellent that if you are still around...if you have the patience to bare with him during the final years of his training...he will have the desire to marry you at some point. That's just the way doctors are.

 

You may or may not enjoy being a physicians wife. Unless he's going to be a psychiatrist, dermatologist or some other wimpy type of doctor, his schedule will be intensive and he won't have a great deal of time to spend with you. A doctor's wife must be independent and able to be happy doing things alone. She also has to be understanding of all the other chicks out there that will be after him because they want to jump on the gravy train of high income he will produce. The trade off is that there is usually lots of money coming in and lots of financial security. If it's love and attention you're looking for, you won't get a massive amount of it from most doctors...especially those just starting out in private practice.

 

So the rules of dating a doc do not apply as they would to most others. He wouldn't even notice if you were playing a game, playing hard to get, etc. Right now, his number one goal in the universe is to complete the course of study he began oh so long ago, to pass his boards, to become board certified in a specialty of some sort, and move on from there. If he feels you will fit well into his lifestyle as a physician, you'll be fine. If you start being weird or too demanding of his time, you'll be history.

 

So be prepared to be second place to his medicine for a while. Later on, much later on, that could change.

 

As for your question about calling, yes, do call and say hello. But better than that, write him a really nice letter...not too long...and let him know you are fond of his company but you are completely understanding of his arduous schedule and committment. Let him know you would like to get to know him better but that you also understand that this has to be in his good time as his schedule permits. This will be music to his ears.

 

If you decide to date someone besides a resident physician, post again and I'll give you the facts for successful dating of someone who is not so dedicated to his work.

[Rachel]

Thank you for your wonderful post. I had been thinking along the same lines as you. I couldn't see that "quote un quote" "standard" rules of dating(which I had not abided by well at all before), would apply, but then I thought maybe I was fooling myself.

 

He seems like a great person, and I am actually a very independent woman. We actually have a great deal in common.

 

As far as the sex issue goes, what do you think? How soon is too soon? I know that he's ready (imagine that), and I am, I just don't want to be hurt.

 

Is there a way to find whether I won't be hurt?

 

Or jump in with both feet?

[Tony T]

1. As far as the sex issue goes, what do you think? How soon is too soon?

 

Hey, he's a doctor. He sees naked ladies all day. If he gets excited about you, you know you've got to be special. Just be sure he turns his beeper off while the two of you are...well, you know. So if both of you are ready, what are you waiting for...a transfusion???

 

2. Is there a way to find whether I won't be hurt?

 

No way in the world. (You could call a Psychic Friend, that's $3.99 per minute) If you are looking for love without the chance of hurt, you are on the wrong planet. I think you may do better on Venus, but I understand that men are from Mars. But since the atmosphere there does not support life very well, your chances of getting hurt there are almost nil. Call NASA and go for it!!!

 

3. Or jump in with both feet?

 

That's foolish too. Take your time. Pay attention. You watch and listen. You can't avoid hurt if it's going to happen, but you can get early warning signals and minimize the possibilities by staying conscious of what's going on.

 

I don't think anyone can experience the full bouquet of love unless they give of their entire self but, in doing so, you become highly vulnerable. Inherent in almost every great thing we experience is the possiblity of achieving its opposite.

 

You better get some courage lady...love is not for sissys.

[Paulie]

Great advice, Tony.

 

But Paulie's not gonna compliment Tony on his wisdom and great advice anymore. I don't like stroking anyone's egoes...girls' or Tony's!

 

Man, you are smooth as a baby's *ss, though!