Phantom888 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I have suffered from retroactive jealousy since my 1st relationship after my divorce. All during my youth, I never thought I would ever have to deal with the idea of my woman having been with any other men. I only dated virgins in college, and married a virgin after college. After my divorce, I dated a 38 year old mother of 2, and she only had 3 partners before me. I was jealous over her college boyfriend because he bought her a car. I felt insecure. Then in the next few relationships, I avoided women who have had many sex partners because I did not want to feel jealous about their past sexual history. I think I have a very immature dating perspective, and it was making me miserable when I fall for a woman who has had a past. My current girlfriend is the love of my life. I am very serious about her. I realized that she has been divorced for 4 years, and have dated several people before meeting me. For a while, my retroactive jealousy started to come back. I felt bad. She has tried to help me by deleting all of her contacts of people she dated...including on facebook. I realize she is making an effort. During these 4 years, she has had exclusive relationships with 4 people, which lasted several months each. She also dated some men, and never got serious with them. So we are not taking about huge numbers....maybe 10 - 12 in the last 4 years. Before that she was with the same man for 18 years. I don't think I should feel any retroactive jealousy, given the fact that she is so in love with me, she would do anything for me. But sometimes my mind goes into a loops, and I imagine other people having sex on her bed, where I sleep every other weekend. It makes me sad. But I have decided to stop this negative behavior. I am going to spend my life with her, so I better fix this in my head. First of all, she dated way fewer people than me. She never had a one-night-stand, and she only slept with people she dated. No strangers. No irresponsible behaviors. She is very respectable, and for this day and age, I think she is very clear-headed about sex and relationships. But one thing that helps me overcome my negative thinking is the fact that if she hadn't dated all these people, she would never have known that I was THE ONE for her. She told me that I am by far the best sex partner she has ever had, and I believe her because of her experience. She would never be curious about being with anyone else because she has already dated sufficiently. At this point, I feel my perspectives have matured, and I am well on my way of getting rid of my retroactive jealous tendencies forever. My point is that if you suffer from that "negative loop", try to find positive things in the relationship to counteract it. Negatives can be turn into positives. If you love your partner enough, don't let anything mess up your relationship. Believe it or not, retroactive jealousy is quite common. You are NOT alone. Try to talk to people about it. Just know that you loving partner appreciates you because she has gained knowledge through her experiences. You would not love her as much if she didn't have those experiences, as she would not be the same person you fell in love with. The past is the past, and it is what you make of it. You are in control of your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Phantom, had to reply to your message!!! I too suffer from major retroactive jealousy and i feel like its ruining me, but more importantly my relationship. I too have met the love of my life and have met a guy that I can trust with my heart and who i want to spend the rest of my life with.....my problem - It sends me to into pure full on jealousy, anger that he had rships with other girls and obv the sexual side. An example of this was, last week we were joking around, i then turned it serious and asked him if he had done the sexual act we were joking about, he then told me he had, which i then proceeded to be annoyed/moody at him for the rest of the day. I know, its ridiculous. Anyway dont want to hijack your thread, but I too am going through this but trying really hard to overcome it. Some days I feel I am doing ok, others not so great. Its really hard and I wish I could have my bf's attitude. For me it all comes down to self esteem issues. Basically I suppose I dont think that highly of myself. Retroactive Jealousy really is a b****h! One further point, I was going to send my bf a link about retroactive jealousy so he can further understand what I am thinking - do you think this is a good idea!? thanks for starting the thread! T 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GI_Joy Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I've never really confronted my bf about retroactive jealousy but I sure as hell have experienced it and still do from time to time. It really only bothers me when I think that he's treated his exes better than he does with me or if I were them he'd work harder/put in more effort, etc. But I've come to realize that those thoughts I have are pretty irrational and reflective of my own insecurities breeding from self-inadequacy. Particularly when he mentions things that he did for exes or if he has a short anecdotal story about an ex. But what brings me back to reality is the enormous appreciation and love he has for me right now in his life. There are plenty of reasons why I fully believe he is in love with me, no doubt. And they for sure counteract those times when I feel down on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phantom888 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Tally, thanks for participating in this thread. One thing that can relieve retro jealousy is SUPPORT. You need to talk about it to let it out. Often times, when you reflect upon it after talking it out, it doesn't seem so horrible. Also, retro jealousy affects people differently at different stages in their lives. But that's not always the case. I have been researching on this topic for years, and have seen numerous psychiatrists. But fundamentally, people who don't suffer from it cannot possible understand it. It's almost like an internal wire that you either have it or you don't. Having said that, you have to ask yourself: What can you do to overcome this? What is your BF's attitude about this? Some people are insensitive, and would bring up past sexual experiences, which is absolutely devastating for people who suffer from retro jealousy. If your BF is sympathetic, then you should show him the links about this topic. Maybe he would understand how much it hurts, and would refrain from talking about his sexual past. There is a positive light at the end of this long tunnel. The past is the past, so it really can't hurt you right now. Your present love is really what matters. Because you were not present in his past, you can manipulate that past in your head however you wish. Think of it this way, if he never told you anything, you would not have known. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WILL NOT LIKE THE ANSWERS! Keep this in mind. Try to change to topic....and everyone can be happy. Also.... don't assume anything. Don't assume he has wild sex experiences if he never told you. By imagining things, you turn something insignificant into something huge! This can cripple your mind, as you would be too distracted to do anything productive for the rest of the day! Train you mind to think: If he never told me, it never happened. If I wasn't there to see it, it never happened. This works well because it makes no difference if it happened or not...it's in the past!!! So it doesn't matter if it happened....so let's assume it didn't happen since you didn't witness it first hand. So in conclusion, train your mind....take control. Don't mess up your relationship over something that is NOT REAL right now. Don't ask questions about sexual past. And assume it didn't happen if you didn't know about it. This will take time...and lots of work, but you can do it. If you want, you can email me privately and we can discuss. Support is important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myab23 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Yes! If only I hadn't asked. It was just innocent curiosity back then and now I want to know every detail. Sick. And just like you said-if I don't know details I make them up. Ugh, never ending cycle of replaying things in my mind. And your so right! He legit thinks I'm a nut sometimes and cannot understand why this bothers me. And in my sick mind I think how can my past not bother him the way his past bothers me? He must not care about me as much as I do him. But Phantom I suppose your right that if you don't have RJ in you its hard to understand. I never thought I would be such a crazed person about somebody else. But seriously I can already see writing it out on this forum after keeping it my dark secret for so many years has already started to help me. Talking to all of you really gives me hope that I can get over this before I destroy my relationship and really more importantly my happiness. I need to regain control of my mind and myself because the reality is that my feelings are ridiculous. I have already put a cloud over the last 4 years of my life. I feel like I never have truly enjoyed anything 100%. Even our vacations I wonder if he has been there before with someone else. When we do something new together I wonder if he's already done it with someone else. What the F kinda life is this that I'm living. Seriously I want the old, confident me back who felt that anyone was lucky to have me! Thanks for letting me vent! It is a real help. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Phantom thanks for your reply - it almost made me cry, and im not sure why!! My bf is sympathetic, but I also know he can become frustrated when I have my moody moments or bring up his past. He never talks about his past, ever! Only when I prod him and prod him for answers he tells me (begrudginly) but also swiftly moves on as he knows that it upsets me. I dont think my bf knows the extent of how I feel, I just think in his head he thinks "oh shes just jealous" and thats it. He cant understand how I feel because he doesnt feel the need to ask the questions I do, so how can he? if he has never experienced RJ then he cant understand?! I have had RJ with previous bfs, but I think this is probably the worse I have had it. I know he has been more sexually active than I have which doesnt help matters. Youre right though, If i could turn the clock back and not ask him these questions, I most definitely would. I thought of a question I wanted to ask him the other day, but I havent. Its taken a lot of willpower not to, but I have pushed it into the back of my mind which I find is a good step. Its weird, I always thought RJ would be something in young ppl that dont "know" themselves yet, havent matured enough, but obviously not -not saying we are old mind Private message would be good too, its nice to have support - not sure how we do that?! Still learning the LS website! Thanks again! T Link to post Share on other sites
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