PigeonNest Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Recently our ideal life took a turn for the worse after he suffered a motorcycle accident and was left paraplegic and severely disfigured. We had such a great marriage before, and now we are just picking up the pieces. Despite this terrible event, I love my husband dearly, and I am very proud of his resilience and great attitude despite this horrible event. I absolutely love my husband, and I would never ever leave him. However, I feel extremely depressed when I think that my marriage at 31 has been reduced to this, and will be the same until the day either one of us die. Being the caregiver of an adult man for all of his needs is extremely hard. Though I love him dearly, I cannot feel sexually attracted to him anymore: having sex with him is like having sex with a rag-doll, since he is unable to move or do anything. I am young, and attractive. I cannot help but fantasize about having sex with a normal looking man. If I were to divorce him and leave him - as many of you would suggest - this would be devastating to both of us. But just thinking that this is going to be the rest of my life makes me want to kill myself. I thought about having an affair just to provide some emotional and sexual support in this time, but just thinking about it makes me feel horrible, and I am so shy and clueless when it comes to men that I think I will make my life harder that it is already. How to cope? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I don't have any advice on the affair part, besides thinking that you are going through something very typical in your situation and a counselor might help. I just wanted to say that I am really sorry for how life changed. It must be very difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 PigeonNest, I am sorry you and your H have been dealt such a crap hand. In my working life I worked with disabled adults, some because of a disability they were born with, some because of illness and some like your H. How you feel is common and to be expected and there are no stock answers and is so damned hard on you both. I agree with cutedragon, counselling and maybe sharing with a support group with others who have or are treading the same path you are may give insight, but advice that is right for you, probably not. I have known a lot of couples who manage to have a sexual relationship despite disability and while it is not the same as they had before, it is enough. I have also know couples who could not make love and have settled for a loving, intimate but non penetrative sexual relationship and then there are some who have discussed the other having a life outside marriage to have their sexual needs met, the latter were always the most problematic as the heart still felt love and while they might have both agreed for one to have sexual needs met by another it hurt them both as it was a substitute and not a replacement and still felt as an A by both. Sorry I cannot be helpful or offer constructive advice, I would always refer couples to meeting with a counsellor, both IC and MC, it is important that you have someone you can say exactly how you feel too, who will not judge, condemn and will understand. It is also important that your H has an opportunity to talk about how he feels too. I am so sorry x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 in sickness and in health till death do us part 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I just do not have words which would even begin to be of any help. Reading this makes my heart break, I am so sorry you are faced with this The problem with having an affair in order to get your needs met, is when feelings and emotions become involved. What if the other man starts asking you to leave your disabled H and putting pressure on you? I am not sure this is of any assistance, but someone I know fairly well had the same life altering event happen. Her H was also in a motorbike accident and left completely disabled. Both of them were also 31. She had a high end career going, and after some time at home they both agreed he would be moved to a care home. It nearly killed her with the guilt, but she was unable to take care of him full time. She visited him twice daily for the rest of his life (he died 8 years later), and she carried on her normal life (found another relationship) in between visiting him and spending some weekends with him. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Oh pigeon, so very sorry Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 pigeon,while I don't have the answers for you,i pray god leads you in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I am very very sorry for you and your husband. It is just so unfair. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Oh no. This is heartbreaking. Have you and your husband talked about this difficult issue - with a an expereinced therapist? Has your husband expressed his thoughts or feelings on this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PigeonNest Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Thank you all for all the kind responses and lack of judgment. I feel so thankful that he is alive and aware -believe me, the last 8 months have been pure hell. I have been asking about therapy, but that is something we can ill afford given the circumstances. Nevertheless, I asked him about attending, even if that meant going into debt. He does not want to. He is the strong, silent type, and only feels comfortable discussing his current predicament with me. He says: "why go to therapy when you are better than all of them combined?". I went to the psychiatrist office, and I was nothing but underwhelmed by their approach. They just wanted to medicate the hell out of me. My point is: a normal person would feel sad in this scenario, why should I medicate the pain away?. Taking an antidepressant would make me really groggy, which is a luxury I don't have at this point, given my role of caregiver. I was a person with a normal sex drive, but after 8 months of misery, and extremely bad sex, mentally I feel like I would gladly screw the first good looking man that looks my way, which makes me feel like a complete piece of scum. I have a husband that has been nothing but faithful to me, that even after 8 years of marriage thinks of me as the most beautiful thing in the world, and here I am, discussing how much I would like to f$ck other man since I can no longer feel sexually attracted to him anymore Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 He does not want to. He is the strong, silent type, and only feels comfortable discussing his current predicament with me. He says: "why go to therapy when you are better than all of them combined?". I went to the psychiatrist office, and I was nothing but underwhelmed by their approach. They just wanted to medicate the hell out of me. My point is: a normal person would feel sad in this scenario, why should I medicate the pain away?. Taking an antidepressant would make me really groggy, which is a luxury I don't have at this point, given my role of caregiver. If he won't go to therapy, perhaps consider going alone? That way you can discuss your desires to have sex with other men in privacy and without your H hearing. I am not sure if there are any decent internet forums around, similar to this one, that deals specifically with cases like yours? Perhaps worth a look around? That could help, or hinder, but based on cost, it will not sink you into debt. I take my hat off to standing your ground and refusing to be 'drugged' out of a very very difficult and trying situation. Rather approach a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. And if you do, ensure you find one that has dealt with cases like this else you will again be wasting your time and money. This cannot be medicated away, and good on you for standing your ground and being self aware enough to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zoden Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Wow so sorry. We all think we have problems and then read a story like this one. I think its hard to advise. I would seek out a therapist and begin therapy to help you deal with and make sense of all this. Link to post Share on other sites
InDistress Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I'm not exactly sure how to respond to what you have written except to say that this is very hard to hear from my point of view. I came to this website looking for advice to my predicament and your remarks were the first I should read. I did a form search for the word disability. I broke my neck a little over 20 years ago. I am a C5 quadriplegic. I have not dated once in those 20 years because I'm afraid to ask. I wasn't fortunate enough to injure myself in such a way as to receive some sort of financial settlement. I worked very hard to get through college post injury so I could go to law school. Unfortunately medical issues prevented me from doing so and I live at home. I think women would see that as another black mark against me. Needless to say your comments do not make me feel one bit better. Your husband might be unable to move very well, but a fulfilling sex life should be achievable for you if you put forth some effort. But it sounds like you don't want to. A sex life with a quadriplegic is equally possible. Even though I have no sensation between my legs I would move heaven and earth to please a woman if given a chance. I desire love, romance, companionship, and all of the other benefits of a relationship more than food or shelter. To say I cry quite often over this issue is a colossal understatement. I wish your husband all the luck in the world. It sounds like he's going to need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Oh man the tragedy if it. I'm really sorry you are going through this Here's my take on it after a few moments of reflection: You have been given an amazing opportunity to prove what a beautiful person you can be, or not. If you choose to not honor the "in sickness" part, at least be honest with your H. Lies and deceptive behavior will complicate things so much so please resist the temptation to go down that route. Link to post Share on other sites
InDistress Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I'm sorry if my earlier comments were off base. I'd love to hear things turn out better for you both, so I'll offer constructive feedback without the judgement. Being a caregiver is a bitch. I applaud you for sticking by your man. Try to find time for yourself. I know it's hard. The good news is you love each other. You say he thinks you are beautiful. If you are unsatisfied in bed, try to find a nice way of talking about it to him. Like any able bodied relationship, communication is necessary. Find other disabled people with partners and find out what helps them. Hospitals, rehab hospitals, or online help is available. It's going to require a big adjustment for you both. It's only been months. FIND ways to make ****ing the man you say you love fun or fulfilling again. Most of my disabled friends are married. Or have been. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Sorry about your situation. It must be hard, but you're in a huge amount of company. There are a lot of support groups out there especially for wives of service members that are coming back from the war with massive disfigurements and multiple amputations and burns throughout their entire bodies. Now, your situation isn't the same as theirs but I don't think anyone would kick you out for seeking advice on how to deal. Don't lose a good man who, unfortunately, had a bad accident. I'm sure he didn't ask for this. You need to seek out professional help. More so than what you can get advice forum. You said that you love him. Well, he's still the same guy. Don't lose sight of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts