Don't Get The Hot and Cold

[stormywind]

There is a MM who has been really interested in me. He has told me that she hasn't wanted to have sex for 2 years now and and she hardly will give him a kiss on the cheek. He said she says she'll work on it but that nothing changes.

 

We kissed and made out a little but that is all. I think he might have wanted to go further though--but at the same time I could tell he didn't want to and was glad I didn't let it go further. I don't think he's a cheat--I've known cheats.

The few times that we got physical (kissing)---- he would get sorta distant from me.

 

Mostly though, we have just been platonic friends--we work in the same building. We would talk sometimes on break, but he travels a lot so it wasn't that often. Aside from those few times a month or so ago, it was just us talking. He did show interest though when we'd talk.

 

Then he started to seem more distant and started to let my calls go to voicemail. I talked to him about it and he said that he was trying to work on his marriage --that he needs to do that for his kids and that he feels guilty talking to me. He wasn't as flirtatious.

 

So we run into each other and some days he'll be distant and others he'll be flirting again. I have called occasionally since but only regarding some job info he was going to look into for me.

 

I hadn't seen or talked to him since early last week since he was out of town most of those weeks. I called him today and he wasn't at his desk so it went to voicemail. Then, I ran into him and he was distant again. I told him that he didn't have to worry about calling back since he was busy. He didn't take the out and told me he would call when he was done with what he was doing.

 

I mentioned to him that I might have to have (minor) surgery again and he didn't seem like he cared. (When I had surgery about 2 months ago, he acted really caring).

 

He did call me later but called my desk phone instead of my cell and I wasn't at my desk.

 

I guess what I don't get is why the hot and cold?

 

Btw, I'm not trying to take anything further.

[UCFKevin]

Then why does it matter?

[Karlise13]

convenience items are there in the freezer when you want them. Just pop them in the microwave and ready to go!

 

When you don't want them, just leave them in the freezer. They can wait for years.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

Then why does it matter?

 

Because I liked where it was at.

[Quilly]

Based on the limited information you provided... my guess would be that he's doing just what he said... trying to work on his marriage. I can only assume you've never been married and/or divorced... otherwise you would know what a difficult time he's going through right now. So give the guy a break.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by Karlise13

convenience items are there in the freezer when you want them. Just pop them in the microwave and ready to go!

 

When you don't want them, just leave them in the freezer. They can wait for years.

 

I guess I don't get how I was a convenience item. Sometimes he drops everything to see me or talk to me--which in his position and how in demand he is, he doesn't just do for anyone---especially just to chitchat.

[stormywind]

Originally posted by Quilly

Based on the limited information you provided... my guess would be that he's doing just what he said... trying to work on his marriage. I can only assume you've never been married and/or divorced... otherwise you would know what a difficult time he's going through right now. So give the guy a break.

 

I think you're right. I guess it would be helpful to me to know more what a person in that situation is going through---so if you or anyone want to give me what it's like, that would be helpful.

 

I'm not sure his marriage will last though--from what I've heard about it. I guess I thought it would be nice to stay friends and then, if it didn't last, maybe more.

 

Of course, I dont really know why his wife backed away so much. He said that it seems when women have kids, they just seem to concentrate on that --although his kids are 8 and 12 so I dont know if that's a good explanation.

There could be other reasons she's checked out --stuff about him I don't know. I know better than to just take one take on it. I'm thinking that if they haven't had sex in almost 2 years and she will hardly give him a kiss on the cheek as he says, then there's maybe more involved.

[Quilly]

His wife likely didn't make a conscious decision to distance herself in the marriage, it can just happens over time. In my case I was just trying to balance everything (work, kids, home) that my relationship with my husband wasn't a priority. I didn't realize at the time that you have to work to stay in love with someone, to keep your relationship healthy... I just took it for granted and assumed it would always be that way.

 

If your friend is trying to make his marriage work then he is likely struggling to find a way to get his relationship back on track. If he and his wife still have feelings for each other and are wanting to make their marriage work then it's possible they will find a way to do it. If either one of them is no longer committed to making it work because of loss of feelings for each other or because of feelings for someone else, then it may never work for them. They will likely struggle to hold it together while hiding their unhappiness from everyone around them. It's not an easy burden to carry... pretending to be happy when you're not.

 

One or both of them may be struggling with the fact that they know they are no longer in love with the other but don't want to break up their family. So they ponder how much longer they can stay in the relationship. When you are considering divorce there are so many obstacles to clear. You have to figure out things like how are you going to ask/tell your spouse, will they accept it or fight you all the way, how will you tell the kids, can you tell your kids, how will they handle it, where will the kids stay, how much will you miss them when they're not with you, where will you live, will you be able to make it financially on your own, how will you tell everyone else, what will they think, will you ever find someone else to love, will you have the strength to get through this, will you be able to live with the guilt, are you a bad person for wanting to be happy, etc., etc., etc.

 

One day you can feel confident in knowing what you need to do and how you're going to get there and the next day you're a total wreck and wondering how you got to where you are. It's an emotional roller coaster. Your feelings may be telling you to do one thing while your morals are telling you to do another. Divorce changes everything in your life... it's not an easy decision.

 

Whatever your friend is working through... realize that it is more difficult that you can begin to understand. If you want to be a true friend to him... just be there to support him if he needs you, otherwise give him the space he needs to work through it.

[bluechocolate]

I'm thinking that if they haven't had sex in almost 2 years and she will hardly give him a kiss on the cheek as he says, then there's maybe more involved.

 

He's married - that is all you need to know really. If you find yourself too emotionally involved then reign in the friendship until you meet someone else or he is divorced & freely available. In my opinion this philosophy will give you the happiest result if you are pondering beginning a relationship, physical or emotional, with someone who is married.

[cateinaus]

Great post Quilly!

[stormywind]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

I'm thinking that if they haven't had sex in almost 2 years and she will hardly give him a kiss on the cheek as he says, then there's maybe more involved.

 

He's married - that is all you need to know really. If you find yourself too emotionally involved then reign in the friendship until you meet someone else or he is divorced & freely available. In my opinion this philosophy will give you the happiest result if you are pondering beginning a relationship, physical or emotional, with someone who is married.

 

*sigh*---seems there always has to be responses like this. I think those of us who post under this category want to understand our situations better. But it seems there always has to be lectures from some posters about being at all involved with a MM.

I wish that those who just want to respond with: "What does it matter?--he's married" would just bow out of this whole category because those kind of answers are just blockages in communicating. They're answers that just say to the poster----"You shouldn't even be talking about this." That's not what this section of the forum is all about.

[stormywind]

 

If your friend is trying to make his marriage work then he is likely struggling to find a way to get his relationship back on track. If he and his wife still have feelings for each other and are wanting to make their marriage work then it's possible they will find a way to do it. If either one of them is no longer committed to making it work because of loss of feelings for each other or because of feelings for someone else, then it may never work for them. They will likely struggle to hold it together while hiding their unhappiness from everyone around them. It's not an easy burden to carry... pretending to be happy when you're not.

 

First of all, let me say that yours was a great post and very helpful.

 

He's made the comment that he supposes in some way he still loves her but it's more that they're like friends now.

 

 

One or both of them may be struggling with the fact that they know they are no longer in love with the other but don't want to break up their family. So they ponder how much longer they can stay in the relationship.

 

I think that this is a big part of their situation. He's told me that they've talked about divorce before but his older son got all upset when he heard them mention it--and his older son already has some problems he's going to a counselor for.

 

He told me that they have family night with the kids on Fridays and how if they were divorced, they couldn't do that, etc....

 

 

One day you can feel confident in knowing what you need to do and how you're going to get there and the next day you're a total wreck and wondering how you got to where you are. It's an emotional roller coaster. Your feelings may be telling you to do one thing while your morals are telling you to do another. Divorce changes everything in your life... it's not an easy decision.

 

This also helps a lot---and I think it's very true in his case.

 

He told me that they are trying counseling. I guess that can be kind of scary because if you do that and you see it's not working, you might start to realize that nothing can help your relationship.

[Quilly]

In my opinion fear and guilt are the two biggest obstacles to divorce and are what keeps alot of marriages going even when one or both of the people involved know it's not the best thing to do.

 

Your friend has a lot on his plate right now. No matter how simply the solution may seem to you, understand that it is a major struggle for him. Even if he were to say he knows he wants a divorce, you can't automatically assume he'll ever get to that point. Wanting something and taking action to make it happen are two very different things.

 

I can tell you that if he has feelings for you, that it will make it 100 times for difficult for him to be certain about what it is he's trying to do... whether that is working on his marriage or moving towards divorce. Having feelings for someone else leads you to second guess yourself and your motivation for doing things. No matter how truthful we think we are with ourselves, there's always room for doubt.

 

If you really want to help him come to some conclusion about his marriage, you need to make it clear to him that you only going to be there for him as a friend. While he may not realize it (though I think he does since he's backed off in the past), he's only mucking up his own ability to think clearly when he's with you intimately. I don't want to say that he's using you, but my guess is that in a way he is "testing the waters" so to speak with you in wanting to know what else is out there for him and to also possibly alleviate some of the fear he may be feeling about leaving a marriage (by knowing he has someone waiting).

 

I'm sure you realize by now that I'm not telling you to stay away from him just because he's married... I'm not one to lecture on the downside of getting involved with a married man (been there, done that, and still trying to deal with the aftermath and a divorce). I say it because I'm dealing with all of the fear and guilt and self-doubt that keeps bogging me down and second-guessing myself because I did and still do have feelings for someone else. It just makes everything more difficult and complicated to work through.

 

I think it sounds like you have already gained a great deal of understanding for what he is going through. I'm sure you'll do what you feel is best at the given moment. Just try to be there for him as a friend if you can but don't give him an easy out that he may live to regret and blame you for later on.

[stormywind]

Yes, I'm just being there as a friend lately. I talked to him earlier this week to tell him I'd be out for awhile because of some minor surgery. He told me to let him know how it went but I haven't yet. I'm not sure, but maybe the time apart will do some good?

 

I know that for awhile there i was running into him quite a bit and I get the feeling he looks forward to seeing or hearing from me more when he doesn't as much.