fiyah Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 hey everyone. i've read about the other jealousy problems when hearing about your partners past in other posts. heres one more post like that to add to the list. I wanted to post my own problem to see if anyone can help me out. i was always insecure about not havin much experience when it came to dating, so when me and my girl got together a year ago, i consciously avoided talkin about our pasts, because i didnt want her to know that i hadnt been with many before her. when we ended up opening up to eachother more, i was able to get over it and open up with her. but hearing that she's had quite a bit more experience (not a whole lot, just a lot to me), it slowly built up to bothering me - now quite a bit. the one-nighters are the ones that really get to me - not because i think its immoral, its just the thought of her with these other guys. its gotten to the point where our trust is deteriorating. i get jealous when shes hangin out with other guys. i know how stupid it is if i rationally think about it - it was in her past when she didnt even know me. its the f*ckin emotions and uncontrollable shet that i dont know how to deal with it. all ya'll people who tell me just ta get over it or i'm just insecure - i agree with you. i know that its my own issue, i shouldnt judge her past, we all make mistakes, etc. please only respond if you can give me some practical advice. Link to post Share on other sites
romanticrealist Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 It's allright to feel intimidated when your partner has more experience than you, i'm sure it's natural. Myself, I am in the opposite situation. I've had more sexual experience than my SO, and it puts a strain on our sexual relationship. My SO is so intimidated by the fact that I've "done more" than him, that i don't get the chance to "share my experience" with him. As far as you being jealous about the one night stands: A sexual encounter in the physical sense is the same wether or not you've known the person for years or minutes. The one night stands were just that-one night. No emotions were present, more than likely. She probably doesn't even remember much about them. If you aren't jealous about her deeply loving and feeling for guys in her past, you shouldn't think too much on here purely physical relations. Plus, she is with you now. Meaning she feels emotionally and physically connected to you! Link to post Share on other sites
EIN Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 I couldn't agree more. You have to live by "Whatever happens, happens" Dont think too much about everything anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 i know that its my own issue, i shouldnt judge her past, we all make mistakes, etc. please only respond if you can give me some practical advice. Maybe you need to hear it again & from other people? I don't know. I'm wary of posting when people qualify potential repsonses before hand by saying things like "I already know this is my issue & I shouldn't judge people by their past, so don't tell me that". But hey! I'll try anyway ! Your feelings are your feelings and of course no one can deny that you have them. It all depends on how you react to them & how you let them affect you & those around you. You are having jealouy & trust issues over something that she has no control over. She can't change her past anymore than you can so your feelings, whilst real, are illogical. You are the only person who can decide whether to let this get out of hand & ruin your relationship or to convince yourself that your feelings, in this case, are irrational. She didn't tell you she was sleeping around on all her past boyfriends, she didn't tell you that she loves having anonymous sex with strangers every chance she gets, did she? Those would be things in a persons sexual history which could be of real concern. Put it this way - its like being scared & worried because it rained a week ago Thrusday. Your fear & concern may be real but the causes for them are not. Change the dialogue in your head - the next time you find yourself feeling this way, stop for a minute & tell yourself all the rational reasons why you shouldn't. Eventually the messge will get through. In the meantime don't blame her because it rained a week ago last Thursday. Link to post Share on other sites
cecelius Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Honestly, if it bugs you that much, maybe you shouldn't be with her. You don't have to be mistrustful or judgmental -- maybe your point is that if she gives it away that easily, its just not worth that much to you. If she doesn't have enough self respect not to hook up a bunch, then why should you respect her choices? On the other hand, she does not have to stay with you or you with her. Balance out what you like with what you don't, make sure you are as monumentally secure with yourself as you choose to be, decide if you have standards that just are not met with her, and go from there. But don't let it eat at you and don't beat her with it: she is who she is, and that's all she can be. Life is too short for you to get wrapped up with someone who doesn't make your life better. Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Her past is her past...she's with you now, and has been for a year. Has she given you any indication that she's ever cheated on you or has she told you that she's cheated on someone else and that's why you don't trust her? Has she ever told you that she loves you and would never cheat on you? Hanging out alone with someone of the opposite sex while you're in a committed relationship is a recurrent theme on LS. My advice, which I live by, is don't do it. It saves a lot of grief, and shows respect for your SO. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable with that. Are these guys she used to date? I would suggest you tell her that either you hang out with her with these people, she stops hanging out with these people altogether, or you can't continue the relationship. Why does she need these guy friends when her best friend is supposed to be you? Is it her past is what's causing you to not trust her, or these guys she hangs with or a combination? I hate the idea that my fiance was with other people before me, and I hate that I was ever with anyone before him. But we can't change the past. I just don't think about him being with anyone. I concentrate on what we do have. You should do that too...hope that was practical enough for ya Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Put it this way - its like being scared & worried because it rained a week ago Thrusday. THANK YOU FOR THIS ANALOGY!! Oh my gosh, I really am going to post this on my computer screen. I worry about the STUPIDEST stuff from my relationship, my kids, my future, you name it. The worse is my jealousy stuff. Its quite out of hand. I worry about stuff that hasn't even happened yet, because I'm afraid it WILL happen and THEN what will I do? ARRGGHHHH. I really liked your quote, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fiyah Posted November 4, 2004 Author Share Posted November 4, 2004 thanks for all the responses.... in your case romanticrealist, has there been any ways youve found to try to ease some of the tension with your bf? Link to post Share on other sites
demay Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 I've had the exact same thing with my girlfriend's past. No matter all the logic that anyone can explain, it still creates a world of anxiety thinking of her with other people in her past. I have tried heaps of different things to try and get through this. Let me know if you would like to email offline about this. It's really hard for anyone who doesn't experience it to give the right advice or even understand it properly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fiyah Posted November 10, 2004 Author Share Posted November 10, 2004 demay, please email me: [email protected] one thing that has helped a little recently is being able to just not take everything so seriously. when we're able to joke around, tease eachother about other things, it makes it easier to not focus on stuff like the past. i cant say exactly why or how this happens, but when we are able to just not take ourselves so seriously, it helps a LOT. thanks for the advice everyone who's posted so far. Link to post Share on other sites
snogglefrag Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 fiyah, I don't know if it's just a matter of "not taking things too seriously". I'll explain. . . I'm a guy that understands completely what is bothering you. I've had a very similar experience with my girlfriend (who happens to be my beautiful wife now for 14 years and still going strong). Even though I had previous experience with a couple girls before I met her, I found out she had a lot of experience with several guys (10 to be exact) in her past while we were dating. I found out that she had a reputation for being a "slut". The more I fell in love with her, the more this knowledge about her past bugged the *&^%!! out of me. I realized that I probably was being compared to these other guys in one way or another - even if she didn't deliberately mean to do it. Some may not agree with what I have to say, but I think that those automatic feelings of jealousy and that knot-in-your-stomach-feeling knowing she's been with other guys actually SHOULD be there, at first. It's just normal for a guy to want to marry a virgin - a girl that only knows HIM. Before the sex revolution in the 60's, it used to be that way more often than not. I mean, what guys WANTS his most personal, private moments of intimacy with his love to be compared with someone else? These feelings pop up out of nowhere because people are NOT MADE to have tons of sex partners. It's not in our nature to sexually "know" so many different people. I believe our Maker made us to have ONE "soul mate" that we're supposed to share our lives and body with. Not 20 or even 2. But this is not pre-1950 and it happens that most girls (and guys) lose their virginity early and have several partners early on. There's just no getting around that these days. But you do have a choice about how you're going to respond to these automatic sick jealous feelings that pop up without your consent. You may not like my advice for resolving this, but it's worked for me: 1. If you're having sex with your girlfriend now, my advice would be to stop. Why? Because if you're having sex with her before you're married and it turns out you find out she's NOT your soul mate, then you're just another guy in her long line of guys she's "known" - plus it does no favors for the guy who's SUPPOSED to be her soul mate in the future. Yeah, that includes oral sex - anything that would bug you about what she's done with guys in the past. Also, it'll prove to you that she has the ability to be chaste, faithful, pure and true to you - which is what you really want bottom line, isn't it? 2. If she is your soul mate and you both end up marrying, realize that you owe an apology to her for not saving yourself for her prior to marraige. Yeah, that's right - double standards don't work with soul mates. But realize that she, likewise, owes you the same apology for not saving herself for you. Kindly ask if she will apologize. 3. Both of you daily ask God (Higher power or whatever you call. . ) to bring about a change in your heart and hers that focuses on what you two have NOW and not what was in the past. Ask that Higher power to help you really REALLY be thankful for everything you love about her. So much so that it dwarfs stupid old memories of her past (and yours). 4. Realize that no woman WANTS to grow up to be a "slut". I hate that word. Most are just looking for love and may be doing it in the wrong way. Some may honestly just not realize that they're not supposed to be giving their bodies to several different guys. Be forgiving. You've obviously made some "mistakes" too, right? There's a lot more I could say but these are the bare bones for me. Again, I'm only speaking from my experience. But my experience has been pretty freakin' good. Like I said, we've been married for 14 years, she's never been unfaithful to me, she's absolutely beautiful (HONEST!!) she takes good care of herself - fitness, beauty, she's crazy about me STILL, she's lightyears away from who she was when she was considered that "S" word, we've gone on to have 6 fabulous children. . . man, what can I say. . she's my soul mate and I'm so glad I found her. Take it for what it's worth. . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author fiyah Posted December 7, 2004 Author Share Posted December 7, 2004 kool, well..... thanks for the input and i agree with you on maybe some of the points, but for me, its not really wanting her to be a virgin.. i'm fine with having our own set of experiences but for some reason i'm not able to accept some of the specific ways she's dealt with things in her past... logically i can accept it but its when the emotions get involved i'm screwed. i'm not religious either... lol but ya, just taking things not so seriously might not be the solution either... i still havent found any ways to improve this situation Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts