Maybe I have it good, but I'm still not happy

[AmethystStar]

Hi.

 

I'm sure I'm going to look like a @#$%^ but I'm not happy with my situation. I have been physically dependent on my husband since we've been married, as I am disabled. I have degenerative joints in my knees and arthritis really bad. One knee needs to be replaced, but I'm only 42, so it's not looking good for me. Being overweight hasn't helped, but I had weight loss surgery and lost over 150# so far. I still have a ways to go, though. The weight loss has not helped my physical condition very much. I do appreciate the things he does for me and for us. It's just that our relationship is basically one of care taker and patient.

 

I am trying to improve myself, through school and the weight loss. I'd like to get off of disability and start working, someday. He doesn't have his GED, works in retail, and complains about not being able to get promoted or get a better job. Yet, he doesn't have any motivation to get his GED. I know he wants to be promoted and better himself in that way, but he keeps getting passed over for some reason. He should've been promoted long ago, but they keep choosing losers. He has heard he will never get a promotion because he knows too much and they can use him wherever they need him. I wish he would look into getting his GED, so he can do something else. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do, though. It's not the money, even though we live paycheck to paycheck.

 

Anyway, we've had problems since I've started my weight loss journey. Even before the surgery, when I had to go through my medically supervised weight loss. He supported me 100% or so he said. He wanted me to lose weight so we could do more, together. Well, I am able to get around a little better, with the help of a walker. I do want to get out and do things, but he doesn't. He'd rather sit around the house and play his video games. Even to get him to go outside is a task. I like to swim, but I do need help getting in and out of the pool. I have difficulty climbing the ladder due to my knee. Earlier this summer he was complaining that I never wanted to get in the pool, now he complains when I want to swim. I got him to go out twice, but all he did was complain about how cold it was (it was nice out and usually I'm the one freezing). So, I got one hour a week in the pool. We don't do anything together, not even sex. His idea of romancing me is turning around from his video game and asking, "Wanna do it?" I know he can be more romantic than that, as he has been in the past.

 

Whenever we have a fight about his video game usage, he asks me who I'm seeing on the side! It's gotten to the point that whenever we have an argument, about anything, he asks that question! It annoys me, as he's the one who likes his women big and I am not that big anymore. He's the one who leaves for work an hour early and when he calls me on his lunch break at 3 am, he's always talking to his coworkers. I have to sit in total quietness, while he does so. I don't know why he calls me if he's going to do that. Only that he's checking up on me. In fact, when he's playing his game, he's chatting online with his coworkers. Maybe I'm jealous of his coworkers, as they get to talk to him more than I do. He scoffed at the idea that I'm jealous of a video game. I know he works hard and should have some play time, but when the video game affects our marriage, something is wrong with it. I mean, how hard would it be to watch a movie together, or go outside and swim for a while?!? Another thing that bothers me about this game and his coworkers, is that he'll stay up all day with them and then I am his personal alarm clock. If I can't get him up on time, he'll blame me and all heck breaks lose! It was like that prior to him playing his video games. I've asked him to set an alarm for himself, but that only lasted a couple of days.

 

I just started going to counseling (I have Bipolar Disorder, which is well managed with medication and PTSD) and he never sits next to me in the waiting room. In fact, my counselor thought he was my ride, not my husband. He says that we are just roommates and the he's being childish. I agree with the roommate thing. He's offered to counsel us, but my husband won't go. I don't even think he wants to admit that we are having problems. He is emotionally distant and always has been. I wish I would've seen that eight years ago. Whenever I cry or am upset, he just says "Cheer up" or "Get over it!" When my Grandmother passed away last month, he said, "I'm sorry to hear," and nothing else. I guess I should be happy that he said he was sorry to hear.

 

Oh, I should mention that he did get out of the house with me to go to a picnic with some friends. I was going to get a ride from a friend, but when he heard there were going to be men there, he decided he wanted to go.

 

I'm sorry I wrote a book and if I sound like a @#$%^ but I have no idea of what to do in my situation. All I can think of is work on getting a knee replacement, finish school, and get out of my situation ASAP.

Edited July 30, 2013 by AmethystStar
Added information.

[Janesays]

I don't get the title of this thread. "Maybe I have it good, but...."

 

How on earth do you have it good? None of what you described sounded very good to me.

[TigerCub]

I don't get the title of this thread. "Maybe I have it good, but...."

 

How on earth do you have it good? None of what you described sounded very good to me.

 

I think the title shows how OP feels like it's too much to ask for anything because he stood by her with her disability.

 

OP that's what I wanted to say to you.

Yes, your husband showed commitment and a heck of a lot of support when you were going through such a hard time, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a right to pursue your happiness.

 

He stayed with you during the toughest times, but he's not really with you now. He's being distant and neglectful and that's got to hurt.

 

As for the video games, I kind of get that after working everyday (to support the both of you) and not being fulfilled in his job - he must need an outlet, something to help him relax, so the video games aren't so bad (but within limits).

 

He's choosing to ignore your needs.

 

You mentioned how you want to finish school, get a job and leave ASAP.

That comes off as harsh, considering what you've both been through together.

 

I would suggest that you have a frank discussion with him laying out your feelings, the changes you'd like, and the possible outcomes.

See if he will then try therapy if he sees that you are considering leaving him. Don't do it as a threat, but do it to be honest.

 

If you don't at least give him the chance to see the gravity of the situation, and you just get better and go, that does seem like you've kind of used him.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I don't think you should be forever bound to someone you're not happy with, or be in a situation where your needs aren't met just because they did you a kindness, all I'm saying is that being truthful is always the best way to go, and if you believed in your marriage and believed that he is a good guy for the most part, wouldn't it be worth communicating with him one last time.

 

If it works, great.

If it doesn't, then at least you'll know that you tried.

 

Congrats on all the lengths you've gone to improve your situation.

[AmethystStar]

I'm sorry. I didn't mention that I have talked to him about his constant video game usage and how I feel. He said he can't believe I'm jealous of a video game. Also, he won't go to counseling with me.

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry. I didn't mention that I have talked to him about his constant video game usage and how I feel. He said he can't believe I'm jealous of a video game. Also, he won't go to counseling with me.

 

 

Actually you did mention it in the OP.

I know you've tried to talk to him, but I was suggesting telling him everything, like

 

"There has been so much distance between us lately and while I wanted to do more things to get closer, I find that you've wanted to stay and just talk with your buddies and play video games all the time, and that's something we've been over and over and you mock my feelings by saying that I'm jealous of video game, so fine.

 

I've suggested therapy and you refuse - what you need to know is that I can't live like this.

I want a husband not a roommate and I want to be with someone that loves me enough to invest in us.

 

If things stay on this course, I will leave you, it's not a threat, I'm just telling you where I stand.

 

Now is the time to invest in us and try to fix things, but if you don't want to try, if you don't want to go to therapy with me, if you insist on continuing as you are now - then don't be surprised when divorce is in our near future.

 

After everything we've been through, I'd hate to let it all fall apart, but I refuse to live like this."

 

...or something to that effect

 

speak from your heart but be clear to let him know where things are heading. Not just your complaints, but the possible CONSEQUENCES.

[DawnR]

Actually you did mention it in the OP.

I know you've tried to talk to him, but I was suggesting telling him everything, like

 

"There has been so much distance between us lately and while I wanted to do more things to get closer, I find that you've wanted to stay and just talk with your buddies and play video games all the time, and that's something we've been over and over and you mock my feelings by saying that I'm jealous of video game, so fine.

 

I've suggested therapy and you refuse - what you need to know is that I can't live like this.

I want a husband not a roommate and I want to be with someone that loves me enough to invest in us.

 

If things stay on this course, I will leave you, it's not a threat, I'm just telling you where I stand.

 

Now is the time to invest in us and try to fix things, but if you don't want to try, if you don't want to go to therapy with me, if you insist on continuing as you are now - then don't be surprised when divorce is in our near future.

 

After everything we've been through, I'd hate to let it all fall apart, but I refuse to live like this."

 

...or something to that effect

 

speak from your heart but be clear to let him know where things are heading. Not just your complaints, but the possible CONSEQUENCES.

 

 

These things are obviously all the right things to say, but maybe they are easier to say here on this blog... than to the persons face. Emotions are already high considering the disability. You already feel overwhelmed by that aspect. I understand that. BUT... at least try to convey how you feel to him. Otherwise you are living a lie. And unhappy lie. I wish you much luck.

[TigerCub]

These things are obviously all the right things to say, but maybe they are easier to say here on this blog... than to the persons face. Emotions are already high considering the disability. You already feel overwhelmed by that aspect. I understand that. BUT... at least try to convey how you feel to him. Otherwise you are living a lie. And unhappy lie. I wish you much luck.

 

I didn't even think of that.

I wrote it like I so totally would have said it

 

But I understand that not everyone is the same - good point.