Healing

[anythingbut]

UH - you continue to impress me with your ability to be so objective and philosophical about your break up at such an early stage. It seems like we are in a similar place psychologically/emotionally, yet I am 6 months in. So yeah, let me just bake you a huge admiration cake and hand it over to you with candles of respect on the top! hahaha

 

Re: the party shindig - that's a tough situation to be faced with so soon. You know what the correct thing *on paper* to do is though? the correct thing is to go along and hold your head up high, do your own thing and be the better person.

 

HOWEVER

 

For the record, if I was in your situation there is no way on earth that I would go to such an event - I'd be terrified to see her, and would rather not even thinking about crossing that bridge until I was completely over her. I, therefore, would probably say 'yes' to the invitation so as not to draw any unwanted attention to myself, but would have absolutely no intention of attending on the day...

 

I'm lucky un a way though as I learned from my last relationship 8 years ago it wasn;t a good idea to have mutual friends, therefore this time we have ZERO mutual friends, and this has been a bit of a godsend.

 

Anyway, that;s just my opinion, and I'm not saying what I'd do would be right for everyone - you're clearly a strong woman, so I'm sure you'll do what's best for you.

 

If it's bothering you though, post an update on here soit can be discussed further.

 

One more thing, re your worries about hols and having too much time on your hands. Yes, I see exactly what you're saying, as to a lesser degree this was a concern I had about the weekend just gone.

 

The reality is, is it most likely will be very difficult at times, as you are forced further in the direction of accepting something you so desperately don't want to accept. But ultimately, acceptance is what you need - so this holiday will only make you yet stronger. Might not feel like it whilst you are actually on the holiday, whilst you are in the moment feeling that upset, but it's all making you a little stronger!

 

With you all the way!

[jonsnuh]

Has anyone found themselves overanalyzing, especially after waking up of the last correspondence? My mind unconsciously is stuck in finding out why, which leads to a mild anxiety attack and me on LS for 15-30 mins wasted on trying to find out why and even hoping that I come across her account (paranoia) if she had one.

 

I feel like I may have made some mistakes, but she made some worse than mine that left her feeling uncomfortable or enough to get out of the relationship.

 

Otherwise I am coping fine and UH, I look at your blog for guidance everyday with hope that I can heal as well and healthily as you do (as AB mentioned, I also like to try to be objective and philosophical... it puts my emotions at bay). Pressures of final examinations and job hunting haven't helped, but talking to the counsellor and my medical doctor has hopefully pushed me through the bumps.

 

What's aided me in moving forward is telling myself that we will never be together again, and that her friends have left me and I will never have the chance to reconcile. What irks me is that she's probably told them things that weren't true and demonized me, being the narcissist I know her to be. She's schemed it so that I can't really call her out to her friends... they're in for a wild ride after they realize they were used and tossed away.

[Frog Princess]

UNH..... I think you are just amazing. Such good and healthy introspection.....

 

She really is?

 

In the end, I believe this experience will make you stronger. You may even find that he served his purpose in your life and something better is out there. You never know ;-)

[Frog Princess]

Has anyone found themselves overanalyzing, especially after waking up of the last correspondence? My mind unconsciously is stuck in finding out why, which leads to a mild anxiety attack and me on LS for 15-30 mins wasted on trying to find out why and even hoping that I come across her account (paranoia) if she had one.

 

OMG, yes. I have been there. Deliberating over every period. Why was this terminology used? Why this emoticon? Eventually I started erasing his threads. Then I erased his number. We've been NC for about three months now. LOL.

 

For hilarious dating stories, articles and dating advice visit smoochingfrogs.com.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thank you for your kind words, I particularly like the idea of admiration cake with respect on top! I just wish it was enough to be this "amazing" (quoting both @fuji, and my ex's post-breakup conversation, too), to have him love me again like I thought he did.

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking that I am as well as my posts suggest though. I am still very emotional and to be honest, whilst my brain is all good at this whole "need to focus going forward" stuff, emotionally I am still a mess.

 

These past few days have been good. My family have been really nice to me and, like with other friends, I have opened up with my father even more about the low moods and that has been good. I should have done it two three years ago but you know, hey ho.

 

Being in the company of people I hadn't seen in a while and who have no connection with the ex whatsoever has made me go a few hours at a time without really thinking of him. I am getting suntanned which is actually fairly important to my self-image as I come from a sunnier country than the UK

 

But, but... I still spend hours thinking about him and I don't even know where my thoghts are anymore, I probably just miss him, I still can't believe he did this to me, I go over our relationship over and over and think "Was he still in love with me then? What about then? Had he already stopped?".

Part of it has to be that I am saying goodbye to more memories of us, from when we were here the past few summers. Sometimes I also just have this feeling like "I haven't done something I'm meant to do" and that something would be something like speaking to him, checking on how he's doing, sharing stuff with him, waiting for him -- I imagine a parent whose child has died would feel similar. I am also just struggling again (probably because I have more time in my hands and less to keep myself busy with) with the idea of: who am I now? What's driving my life? What am I going towards? I think about who I may potentially want to love next, what kind of person is better suited to me, and at the same time I can't help thinking that it was so within reach and how it's gone now without me even realising it was at risk.

I am still spending a lot of time fantasising about him coming back (whether I take him back or not), wondering what he's doing, who these women he's adding are, what his life is like now, how our next meeting will be, whether he will bring a new girl to it already.

I also fantasise about potentially meeting someone, and generally picture telling them it's too early, but it's like I need for someone to love me, just to tell me I'm not crap, you know? I didn't expect the knock in confidence because I do feel better about myself than I did in the low moods, but it's still here.

 

I just feel sad, I guess. Not much you can do about that

 

I should try to think about more useful things, though.

I need a better job. I need to make my life exciting again. I'm planning lots of trips but trips aren't the only thing. I need to be happy in my everyday and I need to find ways to make it work. I need to start building on this!

I am so lost on the job front. I wish I wasn't.

I want this to be a real transformative point and a real positive moment in my life, but I don't even know where to start!

[anythingbut]

Hey UH, how are you?

 

Not been on here for a week, so just catching up with the above.

 

How you getting on??

 

I can relate to soooo much of what you have written above it's untrue. Pretty much ALL of your sentiments here:

"But, but... I still spend hours thinking about him and I don't even know where my thoghts are anymore, I probably just miss him, I still can't believe he did this to me, I go over our relationship over and over and think "Was he still in love with me then? What about then? Had he already stopped?".

Part of it has to be that I am saying goodbye to more memories of us, from when we were here the past few summers. Sometimes I also just have this feeling like "I haven't done something I'm meant to do" and that something would be something like speaking to him, checking on how he's doing, sharing stuff with him, waiting for him -- I imagine a parent whose child has died would feel similar. I am also just struggling again (probably because I have more time in my hands and less to keep myself busy with) with the idea of: who am I now? What's driving my life? What am I going towards? I think about who I may potentially want to love next, what kind of person is better suited to me, and at the same time I can't help thinking that it was so within reach and how it's gone now without me even realising it was at risk.

I am still spending a lot of time fantasising about him coming back (whether I take him back or not), wondering what he's doing, who these women he's adding are, what his life is like now, how our next meeting will be, whether he will bring a new girl to it already.

I also fantasise about potentially meeting someone, and generally picture telling them it's too early, but it's like I need for someone to love me, just to tell me I'm not crap, you know? I didn't expect the knock in confidence because I do feel better about myself than I did in the low moods, but it's still here."

 

One thing in particular you have commented on, the fact that you are wondering about your next partner, and finding it difficult to imagine them being better suited to you than you ex - this is something I have thought a lot about recently. I find it difficult to imagine how on earth I am going to find someone better suited to me, as we had such a great relationship!! I guess the point though is that it doesn't matter for the time being - the task in hand for the foreseeable future is that we learn to be happy on our own and not rely on others. Right?

[anythingbut]

ps I know you are still hurting, it's going to be impossible for you not to.

 

The difference between you and most others though, and the reason you have drawn so many 'plaudits', is the way you have been able to maintain such an introspective, philosophical stance on your situation in spite of what you are going through.

 

Hats off to you for this...

[unexpectedlyhere]

This is not going to be as in-depth as my usual updates but as it's one month since breakup today I thought I'd write at least a little.

The hardest thing so far is that my current holiday keeps reminding me either of our last holiday alone together or of our last trip with his family, and immediately the "Was he already checking out?" and "Can't believe it's all gone" games start.

One funny thing that helped me regain control the other day was a really detailed sexual fantasy about what I would do if we hooked up again and I wanted him back. Sex was a bit of a sore point between us so a fantasy where I regain control of that helped me. And from that, it really calmed me to be thinking of self-improvement in terms of getting him back. I constantly struggle with wanting to feel in control of my life and if I'm fully left tip my own devices I fear I will get completely lost. So I'm exploring the idea of using the motivation of "getting him back" to make myself feel better to the point that I can realise I'm making myself better for myself.

In general I feel overwhelmed with the sheer amount of stuff I have to process and deal with as a result of this, mutual friends being still a sore point. After a low evening yesterday I drafted an email to him and that helped me feel I'm control.

 

Hi,

 

I thought of the weekend of September 8th/9th for divving up the remainder of our things. I would favour a morning start.

 

Let me know whether you prefer the Saturday or the Sunday,* and what time you'd like to arrive.

 

Thanks

(Unsigned)

 

What do you think? I think the NC enthusiasts will like it but I still haven't decided whether the feeling I have to "fake until I make it" with him is cold-hearted indifference or undeterred positivity.

[Knoxpwns]

It's absolutely fine, imo. Simple, classy, and directly to the point.

 

And wow, I can't beleive today is a month already. I totally forgot until I read this! Guess it's good I didn't even put a date to it.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'm tired from the trip and feel like I haven't really had a chance to be alone with my feelings, so only a very short update. I emailed him this morning and he got back with a time.

We're so good at not breadcrumbing, it's kind of infuriating.

[unexpectedlyhere]

And I'm back!

 

So, how to satisfactorily summarise the past few days...

 

As I said, travelling reminded me of some our latest trips, which was painful because they are strange mixes of really caring behaviours on his part, and evidence in hindsight that he'd emotionally distanced himself that long ago. I was quite sad and upset around the one month mark, also because I saw a photo of him with mutual friends (who haven't bothered contacting me to check how I am doing) at a do that I wouldn't have attended anyway, but it was a recurring thing and to see it happen in my absence without any apparent difference was quite sad for me.

Even though I feel like I have healed from the trauma of the breakup (which is not to say that I accept that the relationship was over in his eyes etc, just that I have now internalised the fact that he left), I was also remembering some things he said and felt very hurt by them because I realised in many cases instead of being honest with me he was trying to blame me of things I now realise *he* felt.

Yesterday I woke up having dreamt that my *previous!* ex was in town and wanting to hook up and was dead sweet about still loving me etc. It was sort of encouraging having dreamt of *that* ex not the current one because, even though I had to shake off the feeling of "a dream I wish was true", it was easier to know I hadn't really dreamt of him, but of a version of him that doesn't exist. I did feel like writing to him for about half a day but then decided not to because it would have been selfish and unnecessary.

That day, seeing the current ex add a mutual friend of Facebook prompted me to remove our status from "In a relationship" - something I had always thought "he owed me". I have started accepting that whether he owes me or not, I am no longer responsible for his self-improvement, so if he forever wants to be a coward who doesn't want to be responsible for his actions so be it, I don't have to teach him. I had to have a friend be there for me (via the internet) in case I broke down about it afterwards, but I didn't and haven't yet.

 

Since yesterday afternoon I have thought very little of the ex because I've had some pretty serious health problems that have stressed me in other ways - I'll be ok soon, just am forced in bed, but I read and spoke to family and even though I had a massive chat about my situation now and the relationship with my father, it felt like it was often in a positive light of "what I'm learning from this". I still often cry about it when talking and, like @ab said above, I still hurt and it's fine that I still hurt, but my father remarked several times that a person with my amount of self-irony and the jokes and laughs I had in our conversation definitely isn't depressed - I doubt this is technically true, but I can believe it if he changes it to "definitely can pull themselves out of depression".

Last night I also dreamt of some sort of romance with another guy (a new one I made up for the occasion this time!) and even though on paper he was no improvement on the ex (very young, very insecure, same profession which I have sworn I will avoid) there was the thrill of something happening with someone new and I must say it's positive of the breakup that now I'll have a chance to feel that again!

 

These dreams kind of tell me that I am craving appreciation and the feeling of being liked by someone, which I guess are fully coherent with the big knock in confidence that the breakup brought, even if I do feel more beautiful and freer.

Despite this craving, I think this time I need to try and feel happy and content on my own before I embark on any new relationship!

 

I do still feel quite frail - about myself, not the breakup. In a way, I'm trying to heal both from the pain of the breakup and from the issues of low self-esteem and if I've struggled with that for a few years it's normal that it's a slow process now. The good thing is that the breakup is an easy excuse for everyone to be ubersupportive of me - I especially enjoy those who call my ex an idiot with great gusto

[thishatteredsymphony]

I've been keeping up with this thread but haven't said anything until now. It is amazing to read about all the personal reflection you've gone through to deal with this. I continue to wish you best of luck!

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thank you everyone! It's really nice to read your kind words (they help with the low self-esteem! ) and I do hope my writing inspires someone else because actually this kind of introspection is not "difficult", it comes from trying to understand oneself beyond the emotional response.

My low moods were unexplained and didn't really allow for introspection, so I'm actually really enjoying the journey! Voyage through Planet Me

[jonsnuh]

Welcome back!

 

As I said, travelling reminded me of some our latest trips, which was painful because they are strange mixes of really caring behaviours on his part, and evidence in hindsight that he'd emotionally distanced himself that long ago.

 

I started noticing this reviewing our previous conversations (which in some ways hurt me, but probably necessary for me to make sense of it. I think there comes a point when my happiness is much more and I cherish what you have and can have more than what I lost or what he gave me. I'm talking about spending time with family and friends, working on these things that are durable and what I may have neglected, apologizing and recalibrating yourself to do what you want (regardless of her).

 

I was quite sad and upset around the one month mark, also because I saw a photo of him with mutual friends...

 

That day, seeing the current ex add a mutual friend of Facebook prompted me to remove our status from "In a relationship" - something I had always thought "he owed me". I have started accepting that whether he owes me or not, I am no longer responsible for his self-improvement, so if he forever wants to be a coward who doesn't want to be responsible for his actions so be it, I don't have to teach him. I had to have a friend be there for me (via the internet) in case I broke down about it afterwards, but I didn't and haven't yet.

 

I could recommend removing him on FaceBook, as with Skype and any other contact list-- yes even text. The only acceptable communication that should ever occur between us is my ex's apology or asking me back (which will never likely happen unless she comes to her senses) but I know what my response or lack of response will be. I will never take her back and settle for being a safe-bet serving her agenda. Remember, YOU were the one dumped, not the other way around.

 

Even though I feel like I have healed from the trauma of the breakup (which is not to say that I accept that the relationship was over in his eyes etc, just that I have now internalised the fact that he left), I was also remembering some things he said and felt very hurt by them because I realised in many cases instead of being honest with me he was trying to blame me of things I now realise *he* felt.

 

Even if this happens, I am always skeptical of myself by being realistic of my expectations. I realize that you'd feel even less although you care about that person you might have more important things to do? He's NOT worth your time and you will find yourself coming to the same conclusion that trying to communicate with your ex will prevent you from enjoying your life and being yourself!

 

Since yesterday afternoon I have thought very little of the ex because I've had some pretty serious health problems that have stressed me in other ways - I'll be ok soon, just am forced in bed, but I read and spoke to family and even though I had a massive chat about my situation now and the relationship with my father, it felt like it was often in a positive light of "what I'm learning from this".

 

All the best in health to a speedy recovery.

 

 

Last night I also dreamt of some sort of romance with another guy (a new one I made up for the occasion this time!) and even though on paper he was no improvement on the ex (very young, very insecure, same profession which I have sworn I will avoid) there was the thrill of something happening with someone new and I must say it's positive of the breakup that now I'll have a chance to feel that again!

 

These dreams kind of tell me that I am craving appreciation and the feeling of being liked by someone, which I guess are fully coherent with the big knock in confidence that the breakup brought, even if I do feel more beautiful and freer.

Despite this craving, I think this time I need to try and feel happy and content on my own before I embark on any new relationship!

 

If definitely sounds like you're on the right track and I am happy for you. You are distancing yourself and you know what you want from your next BF.

 

Flirt and make friends! Go out and party, but keep the firm standard that you will NOT get into a relationship because you are not ready yet, but what you can do best is to put much more effort into improving your self-worth. Nothing wrong with playing hard to get, have guys hit on you and find creative ways to turn them down. Sure would help your self-esteem (can't say the same for the other guys)

 

I do still feel quite frail - about myself, not the breakup. In a way, I'm trying to heal both from the pain of the breakup and from the issues of low self-esteem and if I've struggled with that for a few years it's normal that it's a slow process now. The good thing is that the breakup is an easy excuse for everyone to be ubersupportive of me - I especially enjoy those who call my ex an idiot with great gusto

 

Have you felt that you may have lost yourself in the relationship, and that moving on is all the more necessary to regain who you are and what you really want? For instance, I want success in all forms, I'm reevaluating my lifestyle, and I'm going to make all the failures I had in my past relationship small compared to what I have in planned. And it needs to be done immediately with a new sense of urgency.

 

Keep telling yourself-- you need to get your **** together and it's not just talk or how you may have created a persona. You will not enjoy living and should not have to feel bad living YOUR life because you had shared experiences. As my ex said, going to the same places with other people means you can experience things differently, and you're just that more experienced to know what to do well, what to avoid, and to make it even more enjoyable.

 

JS

[unexpectedlyhere]

I've not been here much because the past few days have actually been relatively good.

 

The health issue is actually quite positive in the sense that it gave me something to fuss over but it is also something that will form part of "Project Me", and eventually it's linked to me being more sporty and active and healthy so these are all positive things. Like @josnuh said, I need to keep the sense of urgency and I need to make sure I *do* the self-improvement that I keep talking about, but I feel on the right track so far. I've also been reading a gripping book and have not indulged in thoughts about the relationship as much. One thing I have done, however, is a bit of Facebook obsessing which I will talk about separately because - frankly? The bitching is petty and wrong but it's faster to just get it out of my system. It hasn't set me back very far though. I can kind of see the beginning of indifference there.

 

Things I still struggle with:

 

* Suddenly being reminded of happy moments, or moments when I thought things were okay whilst they weren't. At the moment I am managing not to bring these thoughts to myself but sometimes they come up very randomly. I don't feel like I'm too affected though.

 

* Weirdly, I'm asymmetrical in my acceptance. I'm ok with him being my ex, the relationship being over, and mostly ok with having to fend "on my own". I am not yet ok with me being his ex. I thought I was his best friend. I thought I was something good in his life. Now I feel hurt that I failed, that he'll be discarding me as a mistake, that other people will know him better than I do. As there is absolutely nothing I can do about this, I try to move on from these thoughts, but I don't try to arm-wrestle them with logic like I do with other negative cycles because I figured they will just stop when I am over him.

 

* I haven't decided what I'll be like when I meet him again. Which is related to: I haven't. Decided what I'll tell mutual friends, whether I want to see them. On one hand I feel I should let them know "he is dead to me", on the other maybe all this drama isn't necessary and actually I can even see him at people's birthdays and keep it together, who knows. This is actually the thing that is bugging me the most because I would like to come back from this holiday having resolved it but it doesn't look like I will. Is it even something I need to define in advance?

 

I'm off to think about a new routine for me

[Frog Princess]

I've not been here much because the past few days have actually been relatively good.

 

* I haven't decided what I'll be like when I meet him again. Which is related to: I haven't. Decided what I'll tell mutual friends, whether I want to see them. On one hand I feel I should let them know "he is dead to me", on the other maybe all this drama isn't necessary and actually I can even see him at people's birthdays and keep it together, who knows. This is actually the thing that is bugging me the most because I would like to come back from this holiday having resolved it but it doesn't look like I will. Is it even something I need to define in advance?

 

I'm off to think about a new routine for me

 

Glad to see that you are still making strides on your journey! I hope that your health improves.

 

As far as seeing him is concerned, I would act nonchalant. Not necessarily "you're dead to me"; act as though it doesn't bother you. It will probably be difficult and hurt like hell, but it serves a couple of purposes:

 

• Reacting coolly shows him that he still has power over you. You're working so hard to get over that hump. Don't put on an act. He will see right through it.
  
• Your ex will start to see you as the strong, independent woman that we see.
  
• Failure to give a reaction will leave him curious. Even if he doesn't respond right away, he is bound to wonder what's going on with you.
  

Good luck!

[mea_M]

Unexpected, You will do fine. The fact that you are in tune with your thoughts is a very big positive. One day at a time. You will get there.

 

 

Mea

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thanks for the encouragement guys!

 

Frog Princess, I wish I could act like that but the truth is, I don't think I could at this stage. I will see him when he comes and collects the shared stuff and it's something I intensely wanted because I want us both to say goodbye to the good moments in the relationship too. But I don't know how I will be, can I resist being a passive-aggressive arse? Who knows. If I force myself to be smiley and breezy, will he be able to tell? Does it matter? Anyway, trying not to think about it for now!

 

The "he's dead to me" was more for friends in common, but actually I don't think that's necessary... Most of them get it, I think. There's some I haven't seen yet and I don't know whether *they* get it, but... no need to worry about it now.

[unexpectedlyhere]

So, here's The Facebook Rant.

 

A while back I decided to change my own relationship status to single since he wasn't bothering to. That very evening, whether out of spite or relief, he changed his background picture from one that still included me (although it was just our backs!) to one that was just of him and a nice hilly landscape. What I found hilarious is that I took that picture. It was on a trip together for our anniversary - the one before the last one. There was even a sting of sadness because I remembered a beautiful moment that happened that day, in this breathtakingly beautiful place we found a while later. And there was quite a lot of "Ah-ah" because, to be honest, if you discount these trips together (which *I* organised) then there is little in his life that is photo-worthy, apparently.

 

A couple of days later he also changed his profile picture to a newly taken picture. My first reaction was "You look hot". He really does. I felt it with strange indifference though - "You look hot and it's not for me. That's fine". The slightly sad thing is that he looks hot to me because he has a somewhat "tough", lone warrior look to him in the image and I find that attractive, whilst he thought he had to be this all-nice, always sweet person and he broke up with me because he was someone he didn't want to be, but it was entirely self-imposed! (My famous "I love the you you are more than the you you think you should be" line which he said I was amazing for post-breakup). So it was sort of bittersweet. Then I showed the picture to my mother who said "Oh, is he the dark damned beauty?" (Doesn't translate very well into English). It made me laugh!

 

And it made me realise how different this picture is from his previous one. You couldn't see me in it but I was there, we were at the Olympics (guess who got us tickets?). He is smiling. You can't really see him because the light are dazzling but the picture looks colourful. The current one is a selfie in what is probably his new bedroom and all you can see is a door and the chair he's sitting on. He looks expressionless and it's the type of picture you would take when you're sixteen and trying to look cool on MSN. The people who FB-liked it were one friend in common who doesn't know about the breakup, and three of his newly added friends. Two of which I think are people he currently lives with, and the other is an old coursemate whom he used to have on FB, then didn't anymore for a long time and never had much consideration for.

 

In a few other pictures he doesn't look particularly happy and he looks like he may have cried or not slept very well. He is smiling though and feels quite at ease with hugging people so maybe I'm just projecting stuff to make myself feel better.

 

But from how I see it... You're very welcome to your new life, kid.

 

PS: I know I shouldn't look and I shouldn't stalk. And I know it's silly to think I should "win at life" against someone who isn't even in my life anymore. BUT... I can't be good at going through the breakup process ALL the time

Edited August 29, 2013 by unexpectedlyhere
spelling & emphasis

[unexpectedlyhere]

And here's the more standard update about how I'm doing.

 

I dreamt of him last night. For the first time in ages. I don't even know why we were visiting this place (made up, but apparently we'd been there before) and he was telling me that it was there that he realised he didn't love me, that our relationship was empty like the houses we were visiting (which were just façades). Eventually we got to this café and we were talking about why we broke up and he was saying some really hurtful things and saying he'd broken up with me because this and that was wrong when he'd totally misinterpreted and I was rather offended by this so I grabbed this bottle of tomato sauce he'd bought (I hate that type of sauce but I never told him, he loved them) and I opened it and I poured it all on his head from the top and THEN I also threw him a glass of water in his face

Then I was running back home and composing thoughts for LS in my head (which included "I have no idea why we saw each other as we'd planned it for next week") and he was following me and I apologised for being a psycho and offered him to come have a shower at mine and told him I liked his new bike (he never had a bike) and eventually he did come upstairs and I felt like I'd made a poor choice because he would see the flat just as messy as when he'd left. We talked a bit more calmly but I can't remember what we said and then I woke up.

 

I *LOVED* pouring the tomato sauce on his head. Sadly I have no reason whatsoever to do this in real life.

 

Anyway, I consider myself lucky that I don't really miss him - it is really tough to shake realistic dreams for me and the fact that I haven't had any when we actually were still together is probably a big factor in me being so far along in my recovery. I do still miss the little things and being back here (I was with my family on holiday for two weeks) has made me worse for two reasons: I am completely by myself and not very good at looking after myself (at this moment in time, and in general), and I am more likely to come across things that remind me of him in the stupidest ways (e.g. yesterday I smelt gas while using the oven, it reminded me of a comment the ex's brother's girlfriend made, realised how she's probably never going to come over for dinner at mine again... etc).

I do sometimes go back to thoughts of reconciliation but it's never the desperate "Please come back please come back please come back" that I used to have. It's the "I hope you come back so we can sort this this and this".

 

What I am really worried about, instead, is myself. I fear I will never get better at the flaws I brought into the relationship. I fear it's too big a task to learn to love myself without needing validation from others, as I don't remember me ever doing it, ever. Maybe as a child when I'm sure I received lots of validation at school and from parents.

It's weird because when I look at my past relationship I can see I have initiative, I am forgiving, I am a problem-solver, I'm interesting enough, and I don't bear grudges. But at the same time I fail on a level that is, if anything, more basic: I struggle to look after myself in my day-to-day (despite leaving home at sixteen and being used to fending for myself, even through this relationship), I'm lazy, I'm good at lists but not at actually doing.

It's frustrating at the moment because my leg problem prevents me from doing much but I am a bit worried in general because these are the kind of things I struggled pre-breakup as well and whilst some of them have improved (I feel more beautiful, mainly; and I have more of an interest in taking care of myself, and have embraced self-love more) I still have trouble concentrating, and self-motivating. And it all feels very precarious.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Overall I had a positive few days: I had people over every evening Thursday through to Sunday, I cooked proper food for the first time in ages, on Saturday I invited quite a lot of people over for a boardgames night and only once did I have a pang of "He would normally be here for this".

I am at home by myself and that has been good. Even though it means I am alone with my thoughts more often, I think it's been useful to be alone. First of all because on some level I love it! I can get up whenever I want and I won't feel guilty for playing with phone apps or some such For now at least I haven't quite reached the level http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/413988-lost-wild has but I do feel like it has been good to be by myself. I even made a list of criteria for my new man. There is 21, I have high standards now

 

A couple of times I found it extremely difficult though: I wanted to ring his parents to say goodbye to them for good and for some reason I'm finding saying goodbye to that world particularly difficult... I reckon it's because when I think of my ex I think also of the hurt of the breakup, or of the disappointment of some of his behaviours and decisions, but when I think of his parents I have happy memories of lovely times with them and with the ex's brother and his girlfriend and I really did consider them my own family so it's really tough to say goodbye.

 

I also started going through our things in view of The Big Divvy Up which will happen this coming Sunday, and it was heartbreaking of course. I actually coped with it fairly well overall, but it made me sad for all sorts of reasons, from the obvious one that I miss what we had, to the less heartening one that I feel like I was the one driving this relationship the whole time, and when I slowed down because I was having problems with *myself*, he was left unable to hold it up. I suppose this realisation is fairly strengthening because if I can out of my own steam power a full relationship then I can definitely power just my own life, right? I don't have the energy I had a few years ago but somehow I'll find it when I am happy again, I think.

 

The problem is that because I still have a date when I know I will see him again I am stressing out about it. At times I think I will be able to be perfectly natural and even friendly, and I'm trying to train myself not to be manipulative with it, to accept that while I had to and will have to go through every single memory of us in order to divide them into piles, he may choose to take his pile and bin it. I'm trying to work on accepting that.

But I can see it in my mind that what I'm secretly hoping for is that he'll see so much change and think he's made a huge mistake and ask for reconciliation. Or I fantasise on being able to be all nice and relaxed, him believing that "we can be friends now" and me saying that actually, I am not interesting in being friends with him. I worry how I can say that without sounding passive aggressive but at the same time without pretending that I don't want to be friends because "it slows down my healing". I don't want to be friends because I want to be together, or not in each other's lives at all. But that sounds so passive-aggressive.

 

So I have gone from Saturday/Sunday when my outlook was quite bitter (although according to some friends Bitter Me's sense of humour is really really good). Bitter to the point of daring to think that maybe I should not have been with him at all --- this has been brought about by the realisation that we started and finished in the same way: the first night we slept together, I loved him more than he did, and he lied to me out of cowardice and not wanting to have to explain himself. Fast forward over six years, and the exact same thing is how our story ended. Yesterday I was just really really emotional, I think I had a mild panic attack coming and going for half the working day (I was alone in the office). It's more of what I was saying earlier, it's not so much about the breakup per se, but it is about the fact that I don't know (when I am having a panic attack, not now) whether I ever will sort out my issues, be able to cope. I am just scared that regardless of whatever I learn in therapy, I will be like this all my life. Last night instead I had a productive evening and my mood improved and this morning I woke up extremely positive and happy.

I think I may have Cyclothymia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia! In fact, this consideration is part of what fuelled yesterday's panic attack. I am worried if I have it because it's a serious condition and may develop into bipolar disorder. I also wondered, briefly, if I do have cyclothymia and he finds out, whether it would change his stance; what would have happened if I'd sought better help a few years ago, etc. etc.

 

I am very scared that I will be a person with "baggage" for a few years and will waste my best years on this and then have to settle with someone just for the sake of starting a family (which is something I really want). You don't get to plan your own life, I get that, but I worry because I think that between me and someone my age who's had a few more relationships all maybe under a year, the other girl looks more appealing than me. Why would you want to go out with someone who neglected to realise that their boyfriend of six years was falling out of love with them, doesn't that send huge alarm bells? I hate that I have let him make me this person. I must be a bit of a control freak and it really scares me that I don't get to choose who "I am" because I don't get to choose all that happens to me.

 

Another aspect of "control": I have been checking his Facebook a lot. There is not a lot to see but I check out who he has been adding and make up theories about how they may know each other, what he has been doing this summer, who he lives with etc. I even keep a list of who he adds when -_- I think this is my stupid way of trying to "retain control" over how much I know about him, in the sense that by leaving he cut me off of his life and at some level I resent this (on some other level I'm extremely grateful that he's not contacting me and messing with my head!) and I try to counteract it by extrapolating as much as possible from the little I have.

Today when I realised the above I felt tempted to throw away my list and block him on Facebook and go the full shabang no contact. Then I wonder though, when I eventually happen to see him again through mutual friends, will it hurt MORE? If I clinically remove him from my life, hide all the reminders from sight, what happens if one or two years down the line I see him again, how likely is it to reopen all wounds? I think I'll try to speak about it with the psychologist and see what they think. I want to explore this issue more deeply, as it's not its only manifestation. I want to learn to let go, as a life skill.

 

As you can tell from the length of this post, I do a lot of thinking when I am alone! I do think it is positive to spending time thinking, but I do need better mechanisms to also be able to "carry on" with the thinking and reach solutions. Or -- thinking but letting go of the feeling. It is a lot of hurt and disappointment to be hanging on to, at the moment. It's positive that I feel I can, mostly by myself, but it's a lot nonetheless.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Ok, so I'm definitely on a big "wanting to reconcile, we can definitely make this work, it can't really be over" bender. I am *so* glad I never really did the begging, so I'm not tempted to do it now.

 

My mind is strong. It knows I should never, ever contact him. In fact, it is starting to also see I can't always emo-dump on my friends - so I have tried to ride bad times out on my own and that has felt empowering.

 

But it's feelings that cause problems. It takes a helluva lot of energy just to talk yourself out of feeling so overwhelmingly sad, or desperate for reconciliation, or hopeless.

 

I still can't go out as much as I would like because of the pain in my leg, AND I have been having this slightly defeatist attitude for years now, so I can understand why it is particularly difficult. I just want it not to be. I want to spend my energy on other things. (Why don't I, then?).

[unexpectedlyhere]

As you can tell from my new thread, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/422617-question-dumpers, the fact that I'm seeing him soon is sending me on a bit of a crazy loopieloo.

 

I can't get him out of my head at the moment and whilst I will *never* resort to begging and pleading, I'm back on my "future reconciliation" train and that's definitely not the express to healing!

 

Like I suspected, I'm struggling because I'm after the stage "coping with the aftermath" but before the stage "making headway on recovery" and I am indulging in way too many useless thoughts and fantasies rather than actually getting on with stuff.

 

Still having enormous trouble concentrating at work and on anything that is a little bit challenging, especially at work.

 

On the plus side, have a date set for my assessment with a psychologist, and today [this may be the start of too much information for you so I'll type a few other words, go away if you don't want to know] I gave myself three great orgasms which makes me grin just thinking about it! I was thinking of sex with the ex, I don't know if that's so great, but hey. This is really a massive feelgood for me as I was having trouble enjoying sex and was worried about having baggage with future partners but I feel a little bit better about it now. Also nice to know I don't actually need the ex or anyone! [/TMI ends].

 

I just hope things work out and my obsessive reconciliation thoughts end.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Well, unexpectedly today the obsessive reconciliation bender has ENDED! Just in time for D-Day tomorrow.

 

Note to future self, should I find myself down again:

 

You deserve to be happy. This was not your fault. When you're confident, you project what you want from the relationship a lot more strongly and wouldn't have settled for how he treated you in the last year. But you are also forgiving and believed in this relationship a lot. You did all the right things.

He didn't know how to keep finding happiness in the relationship without your steering. This is not his fault, but you do deserve someone who can occasionally drive singlehandedly if you're having an off period. It's not your responsibility to always carry it on alone.

You're so full of love and one day you will find someone who's just as full of love for you, and can weather tough times too.

No regrets, but look forward because the future is beautiful and humans are always full of surprises.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Two months strong today.

 

I don't come here often because I think it makes me sadder. It has been really helpful to delve into my thoughts, and fulfilling and empowering to feel able to help others, but it is moving on time now and that happens away from a computer.

 

At the time of my last post, I had forgiven him. I think that was the most liberating thing in my healing process.

I saw him again, twice, for him to collect his things. It was emotional, sad, friendly, beautiful. After all that worrying, I was natural and put him at ease. I didn't hide my feelings of sadness about it ending, we talked about the breakup and even that way of being around each other felt natural, because we'd been around each other for so long before.

We mourned the happy times together and that was important to me. I did have a wobble at the end of the first time he was around when I saw some emails he'd been exchanging with one of his new female acquaintances. That told me that despite having forgiven him and accepted we are not together anymore, I am still struggling to accept he will move on with his life and I won't be a part of it. So we said goodbye knowing it's likely to be forever. We arranged practicalities so that it's unlikely that we'll bump into each other through common friends.

We parted wishing each other all happiness and with sadness knowing that something beautiful just didn't work out in the end.

 

I said goodbye to his parents too, which was incredibly difficult and emotional. They were lovely and his mother said I was brave for calling.

 

I have been concentrating on moving forward at a sustainable pace since. My subconscious has been playing along nicely: if I ever dream of the ex, we're always broken up in the dream too.

 

I still struggle to concentrate, but I was having trouble with it from before the breakup too with the low self-esteem etc. I am feeling good about life and today I was positively bouncy until I started recounting you the above!

 

I do still feel something really sad happened to me. It feels like such a shame that the relationship had to end. Sometimes it's a strange experience where I realise so much of my identity is based on the fact we shared our life, and I wonder whether I like something because it's actually to my taste, or because it's something we did together. I'm curious as to how I develop from here. Nothing like this has happened to me before, nor to any of my friends, so it's all new from here and that's somewhat exciting.

 

Just a week or so after the breakup I said to this girl who was thinking of moving in with me, that I was trying to make a positive of it. I think I was saying it to convince myself back then. She moved in with me yesterday, and I realise I have been making a positive of this breakup in the past few weeks.

 

I have the sadness of grieving but I also have the exhilaration of hope and freedom and I wish I knew what the secret was and could bottle it for anyone else reading this who's still in the really painful phase.

 

I feel good.

Not every day, but I'm building the resilience to remember the good moments when the bad ones take the better of me.