MM wanted to go to counselling with me his OW??

[Got it]

Well I suggested it yesterday and he has not replied to me, not contacted me since. I am leaving him be. It was his suggestion, I said okay then, let's do it. I am not going to push any more or contact him at all. He can think about it. Frankly anyway I am not going to contact him. It might just have been something he said to keep me with him. We will see. He is incredibly selfish, he is no good for me, and in the end the situation is not good for me. But I would like that chance to say why with a third party there...

 

Fanine - the bolded is all that matters. If you feel the above I am not sure you need a third party there to say your why. I would just write it to him, so you can feel heard, block him and work through grieving the relationship and move forward.

 

Even with someone there, you can't make him understand. There is nothing you can do to force him to have this lightbulb moment when he suddenly says "OMG I completely see where you are coming from! I am so sorry!" That is completely on him and there is little you can do to force that event.

 

Listen, if the relationship has more bad than good, if it doesn't make you a better person, build you up, and nurture your soul than it isn't worthy of you and your time, attention and love.

[fanine]

Interesting thread, Fanine. Regarding your MM, well what's there to say that hasn't already been said? He is from a culture where what he is doing is normal. You're from one where it isn't. I don't see him as being manipulative as much as being a bit dense. Can't he understand why you find his being M a problem? Gosh!

 

Now to self-esteem. You've had a rough time in the last few years. You are an accomplished woman who is perfectly capable of looking after yourself financially, right? Time to start enjoying your life. Since getting rid of MM is proving difficult, start accepting him as he is and life as it is. Accept that you don't want him or what you have any more. Accept that he will not change and that he will insist on maintaining contact. Stop fighting it, stop trying to find new ways to convince him it's over. Just stop and go with the flow. Whatever happens, deal with it then and there and do not let it stress you. YOU have made up your mind that it is over. That's all you can do. You can't control him and how he thinks.

 

While you're doing that, you need to start doing for YOURSELF the kinds of things you like. If you're ultra feminine like me, indulge in some nice shopping. One pretty thing a week. Shoes? Handbag? Diamonds? Clothes? Get a gradual makeover. Then organize a holiday. Do the kind of things that make you feel special, that make you appreciate life. For some people it is hiking in the woods, sailing, etc. For me, it is holidays in exotic places. Go to Prague, Paris, Venice, hey go to Zagreb in Croatia!!! Amazing places. And you could meet some interesting men there...

 

Start living the life you want and I can assure you MM will fade away. Right now you are giving him too much head space and he is a master at playing you. When he sees you change, when in reality your focus shifts from him to a better life in general for yourself, he will slink away like the serpent he is.

 

Thank you. Yes I am working on over things already. I have seen a life coach today as I do somewhat feel dissatisfied in my work and she is someone I can see to work on that. I have enrolled for a language course. I have got in touch with friends and organised meeting up with them over the next ten days or so on my days off. I am also looking on booking a holiday before the summer is over. You are right. I need to concentrate on the other things in my life. I know I always made myself too available for him. I think once I have more satisfaction in the rest of my life it will be a lot easier to release myself from all of this. Plus also it will give me more confidence doing all of this. I know he is toxic, I know the emotional roller coaster is bad for me. It is time to get a grip and decide what is best for my life. Rather than thinking about him, and what he wants.

[fanine]

Fanine - the bolded is all that matters. If you feel the above I am not sure you need a third party there to say your why. I would just write it to him, so you can feel heard, block him and work through grieving the relationship and move forward.

 

Even with someone there, you can't make him understand. There is nothing you can do to force him to have this lightbulb moment when he suddenly says "OMG I completely see where you are coming from! I am so sorry!" That is completely on him and there is little you can do to force that event.

 

Listen, if the relationship has more bad than good, if it doesn't make you a better person, build you up, and nurture your soul than it isn't worthy of you and your time, attention and love.

 

I wrote to him last time. I'm not going to waste writing again I think. I don't think he even bothers to read what I say when I try and express my feelings. When I have said before please do not contact me - he has. This time I do feel different though. I do not want to talk, I want no communication. He has stuff in my house. I will get a third party to organise returning that if I have to.

 

I really don't want to hear from him again. When my phone rings or I hear a text I get nervous it is him. Not because I want to speak to him. It fills me with actual fear.

[KathyM]

The question was about a MM wanting to go to counseling with his OW. So I answered that. The reasons for it may be different but I really don't that matters.

 

As Kathy should be able to testify, therapy is a great neutral setting where both parties can talk about their feelings and work through what they want. So regardless of why he wants to go, it can EASILY worked through in therapy how unrealistic his expectations may be. What a wonderful place to be able to both speak from the heart and safe place.

 

He may want her to go to keep status quo, which I feel is speculation since he isn't on here discussing it, but regardless of that therapy may be the place for him to recognize where the other parties lie and maybe putting himself in their shoes.

 

What a NOVEL idea!

I think it's pretty safe to say he is wanting to keep the status quo, since he is suggesting the counseling, and he is concerned she is starting to separate from him. I think it would be in the OP's best interests to get her own independent counseling to help her to improve her self esteem and garner the strength to make a decision. An IC would be on her side, have her best interests at heart, and not have a divided loyalty between her and the MM. IC would be my suggestion.

[fanine]

I think it's pretty safe to say he is wanting to keep the status quo, since he is suggesting the counseling, and he is concerned she is starting to separate from him. I think it would be in the OP's best interests to get her own independent counseling to help her to improve her self esteem and garner the strength to make a decision. An IC would be on her side, have her best interests at heart, and not have a divided loyalty between her and the MM. IC would be my suggestion.

 

I suggested the counselling 4 days ago in a short text to my MM. I said I would do it if he still wanted. (Something he had initially mentioned a couple of weeks ago). I said if this situation was to continue he had to talk to me. He did not reply.

 

That was the last contact I had with him. I an not going to contact him again and I do not want to hear from him again. Enough is enough.

 

It is time now for me to concentrate on myself. Not to fix his problems, not to compromise my values, my beliefs, my life, my emotional well-being, my love of life and my love of loving and being loved.

 

I have already seen a life coach, I have signed up for a couple of evening courses. I will also organise seeing a IC for my emotional well-being.

 

I am sure I will hear again from him at some point. That has always been the pattern. But I am tried of it all. His selfishness is killing the feelings I had from him. More and more I think he is just a fake, living a fake life. He only cares about himself.

 

I am not going to waste another second trying to explain to him why I cannot be with a MM. He does not understand, or rather he cares not to understand. As it is all about his happiness. I should do as he says fit.

 

I want to be free of these chains. I already feel more free. I am angry, I cry, I am frustrated, I throw things, I want to scream at him and hit him, I feel used, I hate him, I love him, I wonder why me, part of me does want revenge.

 

But my best revenge is to live well. He can never do that because he is emotionally damaged and most importantly cannot see, or doesn't care how many people he hurts in his destructive life. His lies, his cheating, his selfishness. That will never change.