TimL Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Hello all, To be as to the point as possible, a month after our breakup (we broke up over my suspicion of her cheating) I found that my instinct was right, but far more right than I had hoped. She had been cheating for our entire relationship, the details of which are far too long and complicated to write here. Basically, extreme narcissist, shameless use of deceased parent to manipulate me etc. Frightening how someone can shower you with love and affection and spend all their time with you but everything turns out to be a lie. The issue I am asking for advice on, is; How do I let go of all the unanswered questions? I don't question 'why' but oddly, I still question 'what.' In particular, I ruminate on the person she was with when I found out. Logically, I know it is unlikely that she cheated with him (too many people would find out, very little time etc). However, I can't seem to shake all the questions of if they cheated, when, how many times etc. I also know (again, logically) that it doesn't matter now we're broken up and why do I care some might ask? Good question... I can't seem to find people who have had similar thoughts when cheating was discovered. I know its over, it doesn't matter now and all that, we've been apart for months, no contact whatsoever etc but for some reason, I can't seem to let the questions of 'what' go. I feel nothing for her, no urge to contact her or anything like that but I am struggling to stop thinking about the worst case scenario and who knew what. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 One trick when you are obsessing about something is to allow yourself to think about it once a day- but only for a certain time limit. For example, lets say your time limit is 10 minutes at 10PM. When you think about her at other times, say to yourself "NO. Not now!" and immediately replace that thought with another thought, or read, or find a way to stay busy. Do this everytime you think about her. At 10pm, allow yourself 10 minutes to obsess. Basically, the smart, logical part of your brain has to reign in the obsessive, insecure part of your brain. You can learn to control your thoughts by placing boundaries & limits on them, and replacing those thoughts with positive ones. This actually works for many people, because when you are using "self talk" all day to keep your thoughts in line, you realize how much time you wasted thinking about it. You think "Man, I am really letting this girl live rent free in my head!" You realize that the thoughts that kept running through your mind all day really can be condensed into a 10 minute time block. Eventually, you'll realize you don't even want to waste 10 minutes on her. She is narcissist cheater. She doesn't deserve to be in your thoughts. Her cheating has nothing to do with you. Her cheating is a reflection of her poor character. What she did, who she did it with, who she told...doesn't really matter. These people are unfortunately associated with a personality disordered cheater. They are now on the receiving end of her lies & manipulations. They are the puppets in her puppet show. They are the ones falling for her BS- BUT YOU ARE NOW THE ENLIGHTENED ONE. She is beneath you. Go ahead and imagine every worse case scenario, but at the end of those thoughts, say to yourself "but I am free now". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 It's likely all of your anger, pain, and humiliation are being focused on this one person because its easier then scattering it over a lot of known or unknown guys. Anyway, who needs all of this drama? You guys aren't married, don't have kids together, and your still young. Face the truth that she is a cheater and not worthy of your love and move on. I know it's hard, but just force yourself to get back in the game. Date chicks, hook up with chicks, go out with your guy friends - just live the single life. In a few weeks you will wonder why you ever had feelings for that tramp in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TimL Posted August 9, 2013 Author Share Posted August 9, 2013 Thanks for your suggestions. I'm trying the "10 minutes of time to obsess" trick. I guess it really bothers me because this guy knew about me and she admitted to now be sleeping with him. I also never expected her to go for this guy...makes me think she did it to piss me off when we broke up... I've tried for months to stop questioning everything but the thoughts always seem to invade once again even when I'm in a good mood. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Be happy you found out dating her before you married her. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 you are asking questions about things because you have no control over them or her. it wont help and it does not matter in the end. she did what she did and that is who she is. she made decisions based on self, not because of anything you did or did not do. the best thing you can do is move on, love on yourself, be thankful that you did not marry her ect. she did you a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I can absolutely relate to this-- I had something very similar happen to me a couple years ago, and I had those same nagging unanswered questions for a long time. I only have two bits of advice, though: - No Contact with this ex or the other man (men). This is a given and it sounds like you're doing this... but no social media, no texts, emails, etc. If you give into the urge to "answer" those nagging questions you will find it gets worse, not better. - No dwelling on all the unanswered questions. When you have a thought about what happened, pointedly say to yourself "There is no reasonable answer for this, because what happened to me was unreasonable." If you have self-doubts or a need to "blame" (Not saying you are, but I did when I went through it), remind yourself "What happened was not reasonable, and it was not my fault." It's REALLY hard to shunt away nagging questions and negative thoughts after something like this--- you're only one month in, and this skill will probably take a good deal of time. So be patient with yourself too. Eventually (and yes, this is the bad news) time will heal those wounds. But nothing else will do it... except time. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself as that happens is to NOT entertain negative thoughts, "questions," or seek closure through contact with any of those individuals. "Closure" is the fiction of the breakup.... especially a breakup that ended in cheating. One day, the questions will stop.... and that is the day you can do a post-mortem on the relationship and really move on. Good luck to you, and be kind to yourself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 you are asking questions about things because you have no control over them or her. Precisely--- this is SO on target. It's such a natural impulse (and a self-defense mechanism) to sense when we are in a situation entirely beyond our control... and to find ways to control it. But if we give into that impulse, we more often than not come to irrational conclusions.... for example, blaming ourselves, blaming the other man, pursuing our ex, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Hard question to answer considering we don't know your whole story. But I speculate that you're suffering from mind movies. Your brain is a funny thing. You know she cheated on you, but there's missing pieces to the puzzle. The what, where, how and why? For some people, if they don't have the answers; the complete picture, then your brain starts playing trickles on you. You start to see mind movies going off in your head on what you may have believed happened. Your brain is just filling in where you have missing data to try and make the story complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TimL Posted August 9, 2013 Author Share Posted August 9, 2013 To make it clearer, basically a month after the breakup I was phoned by a guy who dropped the bombshell that they had never broken up (I had thought he was the ex) and she had been seeing him once a month and in the holidays. He didn't know about me and was just as shocked as I was so he's in the same boat as me, no resentment there. She had told him everything, also about kissing a randomer in a club, the guy we broke up over (when I was suspicious) and finally that she was now sleeping with this new guy. Obviously, I did actually speak to her to confirm it was all true and it was. I suppose if I found out she didn't sleep with the current guy whilst we were together I could feel mildly better about the whole thing... Appreciate all the responses so far! Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 Console yourself in the fact that the truth was outted and you didn't waste another second with this nutter. You can't ask a snake why it bites, it's in it's nature to do so. She can string a number of guys along without at all feeling bad about it, so asking her why she did it, she'll most likely feed you a line of bull. Chalk it up to experience, but mate, don't think on it too much. It is seriously not worth it. She's not worth it is she? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TimL Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 I guess it's been more difficult to let go as we're at the same college. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Not really, It would be more difficult if you went to the same high school. At college, it's large enough to avoid her. Whether it means taking classes at the buttcrack of dawn, or later in the afternoon, it shouldn't be as difficult as it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TimL Posted August 18, 2013 Author Share Posted August 18, 2013 I have taken on all your thoughts, but I still find the thoughts appearing throughout the day. I can't seem to let this whole episode go even though I logically know any time spent thinking about it is time wasted. I feel like I'm never going to get past this and will always haunt me! Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 You're being a wee dramatic lad. You can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or move on with your life. She has, so must you. It's really that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 I have taken on all your thoughts, but I still find the thoughts appearing throughout the day. I can't seem to let this whole episode go even though I logically know any time spent thinking about it is time wasted. I feel like I'm never going to get past this and will always haunt me! One thing to need answers to recover a marriage. You are not married. The relationship is over, gone, finished, done, stick a fork in it dead. This makes it pointless to find out what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
emva07 Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 We are all very curious beings. We want answers to everything. And that is all fine but we won't always be able to have an answer to everything. What you DO know is that you are better off so the details don't matter. Yes it might hurt to walk away but it will never compare to the pain of staying. It would just be a revolving door you just keep getting back into. Sometimes even asking questions don't guarantee us the truth; she might not even know the answers herself. Like someone said here, it's like asking a snake why it bites. Link to post Share on other sites
emva07 Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 When all these questions arise just keep reminding yourself of the questions you DO have answers for: I AM better without her. She DIDN"T treat me like I deserve to be treated. I WILL find someone better. This iS who she is, and that is NOT what I want. I Am THANKFUL I found out so I can not waist valuable years of my life. I HAVE learned a lot about myself through this. i KNOW what I want from a relationship a little more than I did before. I AM worthy of so much more but I won't find it if I keep her on my mind. and other answers that YOU know are true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
James-London Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I just found out my ex-gf of 1 year was cheating. she slept with some guy 3 times in December. I am very sure she cheated back in September and this year too. She has not admitted it so it is not guaranteed. the point is: she has cheated, she was not very remorseful and she tried to hide it. What does it matter when else she cheated? She would clearly do it again, if the opportunity was there. So no way can she be trusted now. once you have fully accepted you have no future with this girl and also really don't care about her either way, these details of who and why etc. will cease to be important to you.... finally, it might just take time for this to get easier. and you just need to be patient for a few weeks or even months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TimL Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 What is a normal amount of time to get over it? I don't ruminate as much but it is still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and it pops into my head occasionally throughout the day. This is 6 months on... Ridiculous! Link to post Share on other sites
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