A hypothetical about telling the kids

[Lady2163]

I am against telling children there is/was an affair...until LONG after the dust has settled.

 

I am even more against giving them any details about the ow/om. The name, address, workplace etc.

 

I gave an example of a true story of a teenaged boy who caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the wrong house thinking he was doing it to the ow house.

 

But, here is the hypothetical...

 

You have just discovered your WS is having an affair. You are enraged, you can't think straight. You speak honestly to your children maybe before or after you've calmed down.

 

Now they're enraged and upset. And they don't have the coping skills an adult does.

 

And there are guns in the house.

 

Your sweet, never-hurt-a-fly child goes and kills the op.

 

No matter how much you hate the op, he/she didn't deserve to die.

 

Many people feel that if the OP is financially ruined and publically outcast they brought it on themselves by have a relationship with a married man.

 

Society as a whole is going to feel the same way about you and your child if that happens. It will come out how the child found out.

 

Your son or daughter is going to jail, probably for life. You and your spouse may also be facing some charges as well.

 

The OPs family IS going to hold you responsible and take civil action. They will win.

 

Your child is in jail, you are in financial ruin for the rest of your life - any estate is gone. Your marriage is over.

 

But, hey - at least you were honest with your children.

[fanine]

I think many kids probably do know anyway. I know when I was 13 my dad was having an affair. He worked away a lot. He was away one week. That morning the post came and I saw my mum open a letter and then just seem odd. She left the room. I looked at the letter (always been nosey - guess that's why I'm a journalist!) It was a poison pen letter saying my dad was sleeping with another woman......Then there were the silent phone calls in the house.

Then when I was 17 and my brother 20 we both guessed independently something was up. We saw our dad at the local phone box (days before mobiles) He would go out early evening always to buy the evening paper when he was home. We looked in his desk. He had letters, photos...

This all had a big affect on me growing up. I never really trusted him after the first incident. I thought how could he do it to my mum? It affected my view of boys as a teenager. I thought they werent to be trusted, they just wanted sex. I was scared of them. Wasn't until I was 19 i had my first boyfriend.....

Affairs do affect the kids even if you think they never knew...

[Pierre]

I am against telling children there is/was an affair...until LONG after the dust has settled.

 

I am even more against giving them any details about the ow/om. The name, address, workplace etc.

 

I gave an example of a true story of a teenaged boy who caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the wrong house thinking he was doing it to the ow house.

 

But, here is the hypothetical...

 

You have just discovered your WS is having an affair. You are enraged, you can't think straight. You speak honestly to your children maybe before or after you've calmed down.

 

Now they're enraged and upset. And they don't have the coping skills an adult does.

 

And there are guns in the house.

 

Your sweet, never-hurt-a-fly child goes and kills the op.

 

No matter how much you hate the op, he/she didn't deserve to die.

 

Many people feel that if the OP is financially ruined and publically outcast they brought it on themselves by have a relationship with a married man.

 

Society as a whole is going to feel the same way about you and your child if that happens. It will come out how the child found out.

 

Your son or daughter is going to jail, probably for life. You and your spouse may also be facing some charges as well.

 

The OPs family IS going to hold you responsible and take civil action. They will win.

 

Your child is in jail, you are in financial ruin for the rest of your life - any estate is gone. Your marriage is over.

 

But, hey - at least you were honest with your children.

 

If you are going to use the Butterfly Effect then you have to go a step further and not have the EMR.

 

Butterfly effect

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of a hurricane's formation being contingent on whether or not a distant butterfly had flapped its wings several weeks earlier.

 

[threelaurels]

Responsible gun owners do not allow their children to have unrestricted access to firearms.

 

There are a lot of unintended consequences that arise from affairs. I doubt very many WSs anticipate that their AP might pull an Amy Fisher and knock on the home door and the BS in the face.... But it happened. She was a child by most people's standards when she did it.

 

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. The same situation you described would be just as likely to happen if the child discovered the affair on their own. The only thing you can do is teach your children how to behave by being a good role model.

[Owl]

Yeah...I'm with Pierre here.

 

You're seriously reaching, Lady. Possible? Yep. Plausible/probable? Not so much.

 

Affair partner is more likely to be hit by lightning than this scenario occuring...is my guess at least.

 

Anyone wanna do some empirical research out there on AP's injured/killed by BS or BS family members?

 

I found this:

The odds of becoming a lightning victim in the U.S. in any one year is 1 in 700,000. The odds of being struck in your lifetime is 1 in 3,000.

 

On a NatGeo website.

[Lady2163]

If you are going to use the Butterfly Effect then you have to go a step further and not have the EMR.

 

Teasing...you what you can do with that butterfly and..

 

I did spin this off from the gun comment and from not wanting to tell the children. But I was also thinking about two cases in the news lately and how there are "yes, buts" attached to them.

 

Trayvon Martin may have 'thrown the first punch'. Yes, but he didn't deserve to die.

 

Travis Alexander may have been screwing with Jodi Arias' head. Yes, but he didn't deserve to die.

 

Jane Doe may have been screwing a married man. Yes, but,she didnt deserve to die.

 

Add to that, them much older horrifying case of Betty/Dan/Linda Broderick and that's why I created my hypothetical

[Owl]

Teasing...you what you can do with that butterfly and..

 

I did spin this off from the gun comment and from not wanting to tell the children. But I was also thinking about two cases in the news lately and how there are "yes, buts" attached to them.

 

Trayvon Martin may have 'thrown the first punch'. Yes, but he didn't deserve to die.

 

Travis Alexander may have been screwing with Jodi Arias' head. Yes, but he didn't deserve to die.

 

Jane Doe may have been screwing a married man. Yes, but,she didnt deserve to die.

 

Add to that, them much older horrifying case of Betty/Dan/Linda Broderick and that's why I created my hypothetical

 

I'd heartily suggest against using such socially dividing examples...especially the Trayvon one.

 

I'd suggest that the AP/OW/OM be more concerned of the BS coming after them over the children doing so.

 

On top of that, I personally feel that your example might be a better reason NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, over not telling the kids about it. Rather than make it about telling the kids...you might just make it more about not taking that action to begin with? It applies even moreso to that overall situation than adding in telling the kids.

[Lady2163]

Yeah...I'm with Pierre here.

 

You're seriously reaching, Lady. Possible? Yep. Plausible/probable? Not so much.

 

Affair partner is more likely to be hit by lightning than this scenario occuring...is my guess at least.

 

Anyone wanna do some empirical research out there on AP's injured/killed by BS or BS family members?

 

I found this:

 

 

On a NatGeo website.

 

I tried googling a couple of phrases with no results. Most of the stuff that comes up is bs going after WS.

 

Excessive retribution does happen.

 

I know of no personal violence stories in my life.

 

I do know of one good conservative Christian woman who beamed with pride when her under aged 10 son referred to the 30 year old fathers 19 year old mistress as, "slut" and "whore". I wasn't the mistress, but the mistresses best friend and also 19. My past was secret. I ran into them I the store. Evidently, it was okay to tell me exactly what they thought of my friend. I had suspicions she was drinking or doing drugs, but NOT having a relationship with a MM.

[Lady2163]

I'd heartily suggest against using such socially dividing examples...especially the Trayvon one.

 

I'd suggest that the AP/OW/OM be more concerned of the BS coming after them over the children doing so.

 

On top of that, I personally feel that your example might be a better reason NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, over not telling the kids about it. Rather than make it about telling the kids...you might just make it more about not taking that action to begin with? It applies even moreso to that overall situation than adding in telling the kids.

 

Yes, if I could edit it, I would say, "Some people MAY believe...Trayvon"

 

It's a hypothetical. Your answer is to have the affair not happen at all.

 

Okay.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Children shouldn't be brought into the affair mess.

 

Affairs are awful, we all agree on that. Nobody here is saying they are good, or right, or whatever...

 

If my husband found out about my affair, he would want the kids to hate me, he has actually said that to me.

 

There is absolutely nothing he could do to me, and I mean nothing, that would make me want the children to view him as "bad"... and I can say that with complete honesty, and have always felt like that, long before an affair or anything.

 

It isn't fair to your kids to speak poorly about their parents. Ever.

[MissBee]

I am against telling children there is/was an affair...until LONG after the dust has settled.

 

I am even more against giving them any details about the ow/om. The name, address, workplace etc.

 

I gave an example of a true story of a teenaged boy who caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the wrong house thinking he was doing it to the ow house.

 

But, here is the hypothetical...

 

You have just discovered your WS is having an affair. You are enraged, you can't think straight. You speak honestly to your children maybe before or after you've calmed down.

 

Now they're enraged and upset. And they don't have the coping skills an adult does.

 

And there are guns in the house.

 

Your sweet, never-hurt-a-fly child goes and kills the op.

 

No matter how much you hate the op, he/she didn't deserve to die.

 

Many people feel that if the OP is financially ruined and publically outcast they brought it on themselves by have a relationship with a married man.

 

Society as a whole is going to feel the same way about you and your child if that happens. It will come out how the child found out.

 

Your son or daughter is going to jail, probably for life. You and your spouse may also be facing some charges as well.

 

The OPs family IS going to hold you responsible and take civil action. They will win.

 

Your child is in jail, you are in financial ruin for the rest of your life - any estate is gone. Your marriage is over.

 

But, hey - at least you were honest with your children.

 

 

Lady...I don't see your point, and I'm not trying to be rude here.

 

Anyone can post the worst case scenario about anything!

 

Point is: if you're so concerned about children and affairs and deadly outcomes...DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR or AID ONE! That is the ONLY way to ensure you don't get killed as the OW by angry kids or get murdered by a BS.

 

However, to be in an affair and going on and on about the dangers of telling the kids...esp on the OW/OM forum, when this isn't an OW/OM issue, as they are not responsible for telling the WS/BS's children, just begs the question: who are you saying this to and why are you soooo focused on this? You as the OW cannot control what your MM or his wife tells their kids...all you can control is not being in the affair so you won't be embroiled in any of the shrapnel which explodes post-dday. But sorry, one doesn't get to enjoy their affair then also decide which consequences and collateral damage results.

 

I don't really buy that this is in the best interest of the "kids" at all....

[eleanorrigby]

Well if I was dumb enough to leave loaded guns around the house and one of my kids was dumb enough to pick it up and decide to kill someone with it, I guess we would need to be in jail.

 

I wonder if in this hypothetical situation my hypothetical husband would feel any shame or guilt for his wife and son doing hard time directly related to something he did.

 

I don't know, maybe my hypothetical husband would actually be happy to get all of his problems out of the way in one fell swoop. Kids and mom locked away for ever and OW dead, now he can go and start afresh somewhere else with a new person.

 

You never know.

[Owl]

Well...from my perspective...telling the kids the truth about the WS's actions isn't "speaking poorly about the parents"...it's telling the truth.

 

If you think that telling them truth is "speaking poorly"...that should tell you something about your actions (I'm using the "general you" here, not targeting this statement directly).

 

If you don't want the kids to be hurt/angry by your actions...don't do those actions.

 

Don't do something destructive to the family and then hope that no one tells them the truth.

 

And back on subject of the 'risks' here...if there's any kind of 'real concern' that the kids are the ones who might take violent action against the AP...then clearly that should factor into the choice to tell or not to tell. (smacks forehead)

[MissBee]

And as I and others have pointed out in your other thread about this same thing, many kids, like myself and others, KNEW way before the BS knew, or suspected it at the least, and sometimes the kids are the one caught in the drama of knowing but not knowing how to inform their parent as they feel like they are picking sides. So clearly telling or not telling isn't the main issue IMO...but parents choosing to conduct an affair in the first place, then not being able to control for every outcome which they didn't anticipate.

[MissBee]

Well if I was dumb enough to leave loaded guns around the house and one of my kids was dumb enough to pick it up and decide to kill someone with it, I guess we would need to be in jail.

 

I wonder if in this hypothetical situation my hypothetical husband would feel any shame or guilt for his wife and son doing hard time directly related to something he did.

I don't know, maybe my hypothetical husband would actually be happy to get all of his problems out of the way in one fell swoop. Kids and mom locked away for ever and OW dead, now he can go and start afresh somewhere else with a new person.

 

You never know.

 

 

LMAO!!!

 

Hilarious.

[Owl]

I tried googling a couple of phrases with no results. Most of the stuff that comes up is bs going after WS.

 

Excessive retribution does happen.

 

I know of no personal violence stories in my life.

 

Apparently it doesn't occur often enough to have statistics readily available on it...like being struck by lightning.

 

I do know of one good conservative Christian woman who beamed with pride when her under aged 10 son referred to the 30 year old fathers 19 year old mistress as, "slut" and "whore". I wasn't the mistress, but the mistresses best friend and also 19. My past was secret. I ran into them I the store. Evidently, it was okay to tell me exactly what they thought of my friend. I had suspicions she was drinking or doing drugs, but NOT having a relationship with a MM.

 

This is in no way comparable to the risk of a BS's child being told, somehow getting ahold of an instrument of violence, and then successfully carrying out that act.

[Furious]

I am against telling children there is/was an affair...until LONG after the dust has settled.

 

I am even more against giving them any details about the ow/om. The name, address, workplace etc.

 

I gave an example of a true story of a teenaged boy who caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the wrong house thinking he was doing it to the ow house.

 

But, here is the hypothetical...

 

You have just discovered your WS is having an affair. You are enraged, you can't think straight. You speak honestly to your children maybe before or after you've calmed down.

 

Now they're enraged and upset. And they don't have the coping skills an adult does.

 

And there are guns in the house.

 

Your sweet, never-hurt-a-fly child goes and kills the op.

 

No matter how much you hate the op, he/she didn't deserve to die.

 

Many people feel that if the OP is financially ruined and publically outcast they brought it on themselves by have a relationship with a married man.

 

Society as a whole is going to feel the same way about you and your child if that happens. It will come out how the child found out.

 

Your son or daughter is going to jail, probably for life. You and your spouse may also be facing some charges as well.

 

The OPs family IS going to hold you responsible and take civil action. They will win.

 

Your child is in jail, you are in financial ruin for the rest of your life - any estate is gone. Your marriage is over.

 

But, hey - at least you were honest with your children.

 

 

I find it odd that the onus of damaging the children and the ramifications, by your interpretation, of what may happen is placed on the shoulder of the betrayed spouse as opposed to the WS and their OW/OM who choose to risk such an outcome.

 

I believe children should be given age appropriate truth in all aspects of life.

 

Kids are smart and they can sense when they're being lied to and it's a disservice to them and their future growth into adulthood to inadvertently teach them that bending or minimizing their reality is for the greater good. Kids catch on very quickly to hypocrisy and if their own parents cannot be trusted than who can they ever trust. What most kids, especially young teens, despise and have difficulty with are parents who insist on, "do as I say but not as I do".

 

 

I truly believe that many affair partners and WS's are not so much worried about the "children" as opposed to owning the ramifications or consquences of their actions. I find it insincere and rather selfish that those who risk damaging children are so often the ones who are directly responsible for hurting those very children.

[Betterthanthis13]

Hypothetically: A mother is attacked, beaten and brutally raped in her own home by a neighbor. Her own husband had hired this neighbor to do this crime. Her 13 year old son comes home and finds her in distress. In hysterics, she tells him what happened. He gets the family gun and goes and shoots the neighbor.

 

Clearly a case of the mom doing the wrong thing here. She shouldn't have told the boy. I hope she's happy!

[jlola]

I am against telling children there is/was an affair...until LONG after the dust has settled.

 

I am even more against giving them any details about the ow/om. The name, address, workplace etc.

 

I gave an example of a true story of a teenaged boy who caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the wrong house thinking he was doing it to the ow house.

 

But, here is the hypothetical...

 

You have just discovered your WS is having an affair. You are enraged, you can't think straight. You speak honestly to your children maybe before or after you've calmed down.

 

Now they're enraged and upset. And they don't have the coping skills an adult does.

 

And there are guns in the house.

 

Your sweet, never-hurt-a-fly child goes and kills the op.

 

No matter how much you hate the op, he/she didn't deserve to die.

 

Many people feel that if the OP is financially ruined and publically outcast they brought it on themselves by have a relationship with a married man.

 

Society as a whole is going to feel the same way about you and your child if that happens. It will come out how the child found out.

 

Your son or daughter is going to jail, probably for life. You and your spouse may also be facing some charges as well.

 

The OPs family IS going to hold you responsible and take civil action. They will win.

 

Your child is in jail, you are in financial ruin for the rest of your life - any estate is gone. Your marriage is over.

 

But, hey - at least you were honest with your children.

 

 

If you thought for even 1 minute this scenario ,why then would you have an affair and put yourself in the middle of this potential tragedy that can wreck a child's life?

 

My mother never told me about my father's affairs(not initially). I heard it from family members. S what happens if the child hears it from an outside source, or goes snooping. Or like I did a few years back(last time I spoke with my father) see his text on phone because I was in our mother country and had no cell phone. So I used his.

 

The MM/MW parent of this child, is the one to blame for putting child in this predicament. None else. If a parent really thought the affair would bring such pain to their child, it would render them temporarily insane. Then why do it?

 

 

People in affairs are very selfish. They pretend they stay in the marriage for the children. Meanwhile like fanine and I , they do not realize the destruction they cause their children when they realize the betrayal.

 

Fanine, I am so sorry about your situation. Now I see how you got into the affair in the first place. I have a friend who's mother had affairs and as handsome as he is, he has his choice of women. But he chose a MM who was rather average. Everyone who knows him asks how with so many beautiful single women in his perimeter, would he choose a married woman who lies to her husband,uses him, manipulates him and blames him for everything. You have only to listen to him tell you about how his mother's affair destroyed the family. How his grades fell, how he became very rebellious and began to drink and smoke as a teenager to realize he was just recreating what his life.

 

even though he resented his mother. He made up all sorts of excuses for MW.

 

No years later he sees she was no different from his mother. General cake eater who liked the drama, Very selfish and manipulative. But back the he thought he was rescuing a poor damsel in distress.

 

Ironically, he later found out her BS(they had just gotten married) was married when she met him. She was also in a relationship and living with another man. Plus discovered she was having another affair at the tail end of their relationship.

 

This woman he expected to be faithful since she told him "she would never do to him,what she would do to others". It's a circle of messed up people.

 

Bringing kids along for the ride is just plain cruel.

[MissBee]

If a child kills the OW upon finding out about the affair...I think the WS should be responsible for it. Plain and simple.

 

He invited and entertained that drama and brought it to his family's door steps and into their home and if it were not for him, then it wouldn't even be an issue.

 

Some say MM invited them for an affair lol, well since you accepted the invitation as an adult woman, you accepted the potential risks...including being potentially murdered by angry kids on dday. You and MM had all the time in the world to plan and know what's what....the BS and kids were the ones surprised and caught off guard, thus having emotional/nervous breakdowns resulting in their poor behavior.

 

WS is first in line at fault if murder ensues IMO...

[jlola]

Hypothetically: A mother is attacked, beaten and brutally raped in her own home by a neighbor. Her own husband had hired this neighbor to do this crime. Her 13 year old son comes home and finds her in distress. In hysterics, she tells him what happened. He gets the family gun and goes and shoots the neighbor.

 

Clearly a case of the mom doing the wrong thing here. She shouldn't have told the boy. I hope she's happy!

 

The other day I took my niece to the park. A child hit her and she came running to me to tell me. I then asked her to point out the child.

 

I walked over to the little girl and asked why she hit my niece. She replied "My mother said you shouldn't tattle"(meaning the crime is not that she hit my niece, the crime was the tattling). I asked her if it was ok to hit someone who did nothing to her . Again,same response " My mother said you shouldn't tattle".

 

I told her she is not to hit my niece or anyone else as it is wrong. She walked away angry at us.

 

I just shook my head and thought WOW!! No account for personal responsibility. She would not take responsibility for hitting in the first place. She put the blame squarely on my niece for tattling. As though her actions should not have any consequences.

Edited July 30, 2013 by jlola

[MissBee]

I find it odd that the onus of damaging the children and the ramifications, by your interpretation, of what may happen is placed on the shoulder of the betrayed spouse as opposed to the WS and their OW/OM who choose to risk such an outcome.

 

I believe children should be given age appropriate truth in all aspects of life.

 

Kids are smart and they can sense when they're being lied to and it's a disservice to them and their future growth into adulthood to inadvertently teach them that bending or minimizing their reality is for the greater good. Kids catch on very quickly to hypocrisy and if their own parents cannot be trusted than who can they ever trust. What most kids, especially young teens, despise and have difficulty with are parents who insist on, "do as I say but not as I do".

 

 

I truly believe that many affair partners and WS's are not so much worried about the "children" as opposed to owning the ramifications or consquences of their actions. I find it insincere and rather selfish that those who risk damaging children are so often the ones who are directly responsible for hurting those very children.

 

I'm not a BS, but a former OW, and some ideas OW have, I'm like I'm sorry am I just an alien??? Because even while neck deep in my A, I never held certain views.

 

I would think it completely brazen to be the OW but then try to tell a BS how she should handle her kids and her emotions. Yet, so many threads have been made by OW saying they thought how the BS handled the affair was not classy or this or that and they should have never told their kids and blah blah...

 

And I'm like are you for real? You're gonna stand there as one half of the perpetrating team and decide it's your place to decide what behaviors and actions the BS and her children should perform, on your recommendation no less, when they find out about YOUR indiscretion???? What's wrong with that picture? Oh please...GTFO! (these yous are plural btw, and are about the multiple threads I have seen in the past reflecting the same sentiment of an OW acting so prim, proper and judgmental about how an affair discovery is handled yet is blind to her own indiscretions and acts like the discovery and the resulting response are the sole problem and not at all that the affair itself was smh)

 

I participated in the affair fully aware it wasn't a level playing field and all bets would be off if it came to a head via a dday. I am not saying all actions and responses are smart or acceptable...but I knew I had no right to act like I should police or pass around Affair DDAY Etiquette pamphlets to people! Proper etiquette and responsible behavior starts by saying "No thanks MM...while your affair invitation sounds titillating, I fear for your kids and their potential to become murderers if our relationship is ever discovered, or for your wife to disgrace her dignity by coming after me...thus, I must kindly decline. Have a good evening!" THAT is the proper, responsible and good etiquette response. If you respond by hopping aboard...you've relinquished your rights IMO to then try to dictate or advise BSs and their kids on how to act when they find out about you. Sorry.

Edited July 30, 2013 by MissBee

[cozycottagelg]

I am usually in the divorce section, so my marriage is lacking, and not perfect. There has however, been no infidelity in our marriage that I am aware of, nor have I ever suspected any.

 

If I walked in on my husband with another women today, I wouldn't tell my kids. If they asked why we were separating, I'd tell them it's something we've needed to do for a while. Or that we made mistakes. No matter how hurt or angry I was, I wouldn't want my kids to hate or blame their dad for the failure of our marriage. That isn't fair to them.

 

When my parents split, not for infidelity reasons, I always hated how my mom would talk bad about my dad. My dad never spoke ill of my mother.

 

It just doesn't seem fair to the kids. Kids are supposed to trust and love their parents. And everyone makes mistakes. I don't know...maybe because it isn't an issue for me I view it differently. I just can't imagine telling my children something to make them angry with their father. It doesn't help me or them in any way at all.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm not a BS, but a former OW, and some ideas OW have, I'm like I'm sorry am I just an alien??? Because even while neck deep in my A, I never held certain views.

 

I would think it completely brazen to be the OW but then try to tell a BS how she should handle her kids and her emotions. Yet, so many threads have been made by OW saying they thought how the BS handled the affair was not classy or this or that and they should have never told their kids and blah blah...

 

And I'm like are you for real? You're gonna stand there as one half of the perpetrating team and decide it's your place to decide what behaviors and actions the BS and her children should perform, on your recommendation no less, when they find out about YOUR indiscretion???? What's wrong with that picture? Oh please...GTFO! (these yous are plural btw, and are about the multiple threads I have seen in the past reflecting the same sentiment of an OW acting so prim, proper and judgmental about how an affair discovery is handled yet is blind to her own indiscretions and acts like the discovery and the resulting response are the sole problem and not at all that the affair itself was smh)

 

I participated in the affair fully aware it wasn't a level playing field and all bets would be off if it came to a head via a dday. I am not saying all actions and responses are smart or acceptable...but I knew I had no right to act like I should police or pass around Affair DDAY Etiquette pamphlets to people! Proper etiquette and responsible behavior starts by saying "No thanks MM...while your affair invitation sounds titillating, I fear for your kids and their potential to become murderers if our relationship is ever discovered, or for your wife to disgrace her dignity by coming after me...thus, I must kindly decline. Have a good evening!" THAT is the proper, responsible and good etiquette response. If you respond by hopping aboard...you've relinquished your rights IMO to then try to dictate or advise BSs and their kids on how to act when they find out about you. Sorry.

 

The double standard is a common theme on this board. Almost likes it is a necessary way of thinking in order to endure and rationalize the role of AP.

[MissBee]

I am usually in the divorce section, so my marriage is lacking, and not perfect. There has however, been no infidelity in our marriage that I am aware of, nor have I ever suspected any.

 

If I walked in on my husband with another women today, I wouldn't tell my kids. If they asked why we were separating, I'd tell them it's something we've needed to do for a while. Or that we made mistakes. No matter how hurt or angry I was, I wouldn't want my kids to hate or blame their dad for the failure of our marriage. That isn't fair to them.

 

When my parents split, not for infidelity reasons, I always hated how my mom would talk bad about my dad. My dad never spoke ill of my mother.

 

It just doesn't seem fair to the kids. Kids are supposed to trust and love their parents. And everyone makes mistakes. I don't know...maybe because it isn't an issue for me I view it differently. I just can't imagine telling my children something to make them angry with their father. It doesn't help me or them in any way at all.

 

Speaking badly about someone and saying what they did are not the same things IMO.

 

It is one thing to say "Your father is a POS, scum bag, cheating, lying, bastard!" and go on and on about that versus saying "Your dad hurt me and broke a vow to me" and in time using that as a teaching moment for your kids.

 

I refuse to lie for a WS. In fact, I would not be the one personally to explain shyt to my kids, but he would be the one I'd send to look his kids in their faces and explain why I'm upset. I would refuse personally to be left to clean up my WS's mess. He chooses to cheat and now I'm the one who should do damage control and PR and make him look good in everything or else he and OW will be mad at me and blame ME...ohhh eff no! Sorry...no can do. If you cheat on me and esp if it results in divorce...the first in line who will sit our kids down is YOU! I will come in after...but your ass will take responsibility for your part and tell them whatever you like...as long as it's on YOU...but I will NOT be left holding the bags or being the bad guy or being forced to protect your image. I would never berate my kids' father to them...but in the same vein I will not aggrandize him either. It's very unfair all that OW and the WS expect BSs to do and put up with along with the affair smh.....