A hypothetical about telling the kids

[It-is-what-it-is.]

There are betrayed spouses who tell the children out of (pick one)

Emotional distress of DDay or Revenge

 

Or the children find out something that requires some truthful age appropriate response. Continuing to lie to cover up a lie is a snowball effect.

 

You ask these questions as if you believe that an affair happens in a bubble and that the children don't know and that the only people involved are the OM/OW and the betrayed who should be able to suck it up and hide all emotions and secrets to spare the affair being outed. That's just flawed logic. The affair and fallout effects everyone involved. You think that the kids should be told a lie? Or patted on the head and sent to the corner? Or what exactly. The very last thing to be concerned about is the AP and their feelings since they chose the path knowing the potential consequence. Don't play with fire and all that...

 

In the real world...the kids know, or hear or suspect. They see things that the participants think they hide. They snoop, they overhear, they notice the puzzle pieces, they hear from friends that they saw their father at the coffee shop with so and so's mom. They know during or later...read the posts of the people who were children and knew. THEY KNOW something, maybe not the gory details, but they know.

 

Children are protective of their mother especially. She could be a drunk abusive crazy nut, but she was their drunk, abusive, crazy nut. So if dad is acting weird they may be snooping, following, hacking, investigating...

 

Should we tell the children? Not if you can help it.

Should we LIE to them to hide the affair, no.

 

Age appropriate limited answers sometimes have to happen to explain the traumatic events that are impacting their lives.

 

If this makes you afraid? Or nervous? Then you have other choices to make.

[xxoo]

If affairs drive kids to murder, what kind of reasonable people have affairs?

 

Are you counting on the teenaged child not finding out? What kind of reasonable thought process is that??

[Owl]

I am usually in the divorce section, so my marriage is lacking, and not perfect. There has however, been no infidelity in our marriage that I am aware of, nor have I ever suspected any.

 

If I walked in on my husband with another women today, I wouldn't tell my kids. If they asked why we were separating, I'd tell them it's something we've needed to do for a while. Or that we made mistakes. No matter how hurt or angry I was, I wouldn't want my kids to hate or blame their dad for the failure of our marriage. That isn't fair to them.

 

When my parents split, not for infidelity reasons, I always hated how my mom would talk bad about my dad. My dad never spoke ill of my mother.

 

It just doesn't seem fair to the kids. Kids are supposed to trust and love their parents. And everyone makes mistakes. I don't know...maybe because it isn't an issue for me I view it differently. I just can't imagine telling my children something to make them angry with their father. It doesn't help me or them in any way at all.

 

So...do you equate with telling your kids (in an age appropriate way) that their father wants to be with someone else and that the two of you won't be married anymore with "speaking ill of their father"?

 

It's the TRUTH.

 

It's what they'll learn eventually anyway. My kids would have worked it out in our own situation in a short time anyway...they, like me, had already begun to suspect SOMETHING.

 

Why shouldn't they hear it in an age appropriate way, from a parent who loves them, rather than possibly in a less loving/appropriate way from someone else...or learn that BOTH their parents lied to them by omission about a major life event that impacted the entire family?

 

Don't take me wrong...what you tell your children is your choice...I respect that. But I don't see telling them as somehow 'speaking ill'.

 

If the WS didn't want that to happen, they should have found another avenue to resolve the situation. Simple enough.

[jlola]

I am usually in the divorce section, so my marriage is lacking, and not perfect. There has however, been no infidelity in our marriage that I am aware of, nor have I ever suspected any.

 

If I walked in on my husband with another women today, I wouldn't tell my kids. If they asked why we were separating, I'd tell them it's something we've needed to do for a while. Or that we made mistakes. No matter how hurt or angry I was, I wouldn't want my kids to hate or blame their dad for the failure of our marriage. That isn't fair to them.

 

When my parents split, not for infidelity reasons, I always hated how my mom would talk bad about my dad. My dad never spoke ill of my mother.

 

It just doesn't seem fair to the kids. Kids are supposed to trust and love their parents. And everyone makes mistakes. I don't know...maybe because it isn't an issue for me I view it differently. I just can't imagine telling my children something to make them angry with their father. It doesn't help me or them in any way at all.

 

You probably would not have to tell them. they may hear it from someone else, or hear their father on he phone, or see a text or figure it out themselves. Now if their father would not want his children angry at him or hating him, why would he risk their respect for a woman?

 

Most kids do figure out their parent had an affair eventually. As I said before. My mother never told us about the affairs. But we found out through family members and many of our cousins knew as their parents talk. Children have ears and hear things they should not. I would know about family trouble by snooping on the side of the kitchen wall where my mother could not see me. Noone had to tell me what was going on since grownups in those days thought "children do not belong in adult business". Oh, but we were. they just did not know it.

[MissBee]

There are betrayed spouses who tell the children out of (pick one)

Emotional distress of DDay or Revenge

 

Or the children find out something that requires some truthful age appropriate response. Continuing to lie to cover up a lie is a snowball effect.

 

You ask these questions as if you believe that an affair happens in a bubble and that the children don't know and that the only people involved are the OM/OW and the betrayed who should be able to suck it up and hide all emotions and secrets to spare the affair being outed. That's just flawed logic. The affair and fallout effects everyone involved. You think that the kids should be told a lie? Or patted on the head and sent to the corner? Or what exactly. The very last thing to be concerned about is the AP and their feelings since they chose the path knowing the potential consequence. Don't play with fire and all that...

 

In the real world...the kids know, or hear or suspect. They see things that the participants think they hide. They snoop, they overhear, they notice the puzzle pieces, they hear from friends that they saw their father at the coffee shop with so and so's mom. They know during or later...read the posts of the people who were children and knew. THEY KNOW something, maybe not the gory details, but they know.

 

Children are protective of their mother especially. She could be a drunk abusive crazy nut, but she was their drunk, abusive, crazy nut. So if dad is acting weird they may be snooping, following, hacking, investigating...

 

Should we tell the children? Not if you can help it.

Should we LIE to them to hide the affair, no.

 

Age appropriate limited answers sometimes have to happen to explain the traumatic events that are impacting their lives.

 

If this makes you afraid? Or nervous? Then you have other choices to make.

 

 

Brilliant post!

 

Basically, if the kids in question are not babies and toddlers, especially if they are tweens and teens, or young adults who may still be at home or around the family a lot, they have every chance of suspecting or accidentally finding out, as the BS does.

 

Clearly, some WS's do believe the affair is in a bubble and some may even only factor in hiding it from the BS but think the kids aren't aware or paying attention. I think that was how my dad was....he simply assumed my sister and I were oblivious, and when my mom was away he would make his phone calls, his "trips to the store", we had a family computer and he is NOWHERE as computer savvy as we are, we found pictures on the computer, he was even stupid enough to have my sister speak on the phone to one of his OW!!! Some WSs truly seem to lose their minds and all sense of what is sensible in the affair. The list goes on of little out of place things and all the little puzzle pieces we came across while just going about our business....and could piece together.

 

So sorry....an affair is almost never a perfect crime...and some of the same little details which the WS didn't think about which get them caught by their BS are some of the same details kids who are not babies and toddlers find on their own. And often, it's not even until years later when kids become adults that they may remember something from their childhood, and realize OMG so THAT was what my dad/mom were doing, even if no one ever told them about it or lied about it at the time.

Edited July 30, 2013 by MissBee

[eleanorrigby]

So...do you equate with telling your kids (in an age appropriate way) that their father wants to be with someone else and that the two of you won't be married anymore with "speaking ill of their father"?

 

It's the TRUTH.

 

 

I agree and think it would be extremely confusing for a kid to suddenly have their family break up and then have shortly thereafter deal with being introduced to a new person that the WS appears to love.

 

How are kids supposed to deal with that confusion and trauma with only "we grew apart" as the reason coming from both parents?

 

What about the kids that already know the OW/OM? The ones that have seen mom talking to that man at every one of his/her baseball games?

 

The ones that realize they have been friends for a year already with the kids of the woman dad just moved in with?

 

If the affair is the reason for the divorce, the people in the family need that information to process things properly. Many people will say the affair was not the reason for the divorce, it was the alcoholism, or the 100 lbs he gained, or her mental health issues.

 

But the kid doesn't see dad or mom leaving the home for or because of those issues, they seem them leaving because of this new (or not so new) person.

[jlola]

I find it highly insulting how OW expect BS to just suck everything up and eat the **** sandwich being served with a smile.

 

I cannot believe when reading OW post of going NC and how it is making them crazy,depressed, they have been crying, unable to socialize,anxious whatever. It is their right. Even though they knew going into the affair,it would not be smooth sailing.

 

But BS cannot have any of these feelings. she is supposed to have a smile ready for the kids and act like all is well.

 

Why? Whys is it you have someone who is basically facing a death and you expect her to suck it up, put on a smile for the kids and act like everything is ok,so you and MM are protected.

 

You want the reality? My mother is a generally happy person. Few things make her angry and she is apt to brush things off more so than most. the patience,laughter and love she has shown to us is in abundance.

 

But in my father's affairs(even though she would not tell us) she would grow sullen, the light would go out of her eyes, she would be up at 2AM ( I would see her while passing to go to bathroom at night) just staring at the wall. sometimes smoking a cigarette which she would take to again as a way to soothe herself.

 

she would seem distant. Though we may not have known what as going on, we knew something was wrong. I would take that to school with me, my heart hurting for my mother. We would all try to cheer her up. She would give us smiles,hugs and kisses, but her heart was still broken .

She did not have the luxury to take to her bead. She could not cry all day. She had to be strong for us.

 

Meanwhile, my father would pick fights and create lots of tension in the house. Then he would storm off so loud,slamming the door and practically making the house shake. I now realize many people in affairs pick fights so they can spend time with the affair partner.

 

How much is the BS supposed to take?? so many OW here talk about the pain they have. Acting as though BS and the kids cannot possibly have the same pain.

 

This is why it irks me when MM/MW act like they are such great parents. Really? Good parents are in tune of what effects their behavior has on their kids. just because the kids do not know, does not mean they cannot feel something is wrong.

[fanine]

Brilliant post!

 

Basically, if the kids in question are not babies and toddlers, especially if they are tweens and teens, or young adults who may still be at home or around the family a lot, they have every chance of suspecting or accidentally finding out, as the BS does.

 

Clearly, some WS's do believe the affair is in a bubble and some may even only factor in hiding it from the BS but think the kids aren't aware or paying attention. I think that was how my dad was....he simply assumed my sister and I were oblivious, and when my mom was away he would make his phone calls, his "trips to the store", we had a family computer and he is NOWHERE as computer savvy as we are, we found pictures on the computer, he was even stupid enough to have my sister speak on the phone to one of his OW!!! Some WSs truly seem to lose their minds and all sense of what is sensible in the affair. The list goes on off little out of place things and all the little puzzle pieces we came across while just going about our business....and could piece together.

 

So sorry....an affair is almost never a perfect crime...and some of the same little details which the WS didn't think about which get them caught by their BS are some of the same details kids who are not babies and toddlers find on their own. And often, it's not even until years later when kids become adults that they may remember something from their childhood, and realize OMG so THAT was what my dad/mom were doing, even if no one ever told them about it or lied about it at the time.

 

If you saw my post above, I was also aware of my father's affairs. That is what makes me angry about my MM. He claims he and his wife just live in the house together for their young kids - under 5 years of age. Claims they don't sleep together, claims he has his own room and sleeps on a sofa (why he likes it in my house with the bed) I am saying claims....I do know they don't ever go out together in the evening...

 

But anyway the kids will soon clock on something is not right. The eldest is getting old enough to be aware of his surroundings. He won't understand why sometimes when he gets up daddy is not there. I remember one sunday morning I felt awful. MM had stayed with me and I was driving him home. Sunday was his day to take his boy out. He called W on the way and she said her friends had taken him out. He got furious, screamed at her saying it was his day with the boy and to get him straight back to the house, so he could take him out...

 

Little things like this add up. I felt crap. I felt sorry for this little boy. My MM claims he loves me. But will not leave for the kids...but those kids are going to be harmed.

 

I have tried to say, look it is better for the kids to see 2 loving sets of parents - even if they are with other people - so they can learn about good relationships. I know from my experience the damage it does. But he simply will not do it. And the W will not end it. That is their choice in the end, but I feel sad for those kids. I feel sad too they can not be part of my life. But he will not leave. So that is that.

[jlola]

MM had stayed with me and I was driving him home. Sunday was his day to take his boy out. He called W on the way and she said her friends had taken him out. He got furious, screamed at her saying it was his day with the boy and to get him straight back to the house, so he could take him out...

 

Little things like this add up. I felt crap. I felt sorry for this little boy. My MM claims he loves me. But will not leave for the kids...but those kids are going to be harmed.

 

I have tried to say, look it is better for the kids to see 2 loving sets of parents - even if they are with other people - so they can learn about good relationships. I know from my experience the damage it does. But he simply will not do it. And the W will not end it. That is their choice in the end, but I feel sad for those kids. I feel sad too they can not be part of my life. But he will not leave. So that is that.

 

Your MM is not a good person at all. The sooner you realize that, the more chance you have to heal. He is controlling. He is the one causing the pain,drama and anxiety in his house. He is the one who is harming the kids.

 

Can you not see ,not only was he disrespectful staying out all night, then having his GF drive him home. But he then had the nerve to scream at his wife ?

 

people generally see someone treating others with vile disrespect and do not get it.....Well, until one day they are the target of his disrespect. You may want him so bad, but understand, you will be the target of his abuse and one day. I do not say this lightly. Why do you want this abusive man when he has shown you how vile he can be?

Edited July 30, 2013 by jlola

[xxoo]

The real question is:

 

Why would you do something so hurtful as a parent--or with a parent--that you worry the child might be homicidal if he or she finds out?

 

Setting aside the extreme of homocide--why do something that will be so harmful that it is vital the child does not find out?

[fanine]

Your MM is not a good person at all. The sooner you realize that, the more chance you have to heal. He is controlling. He is the one causing the pain,drama and anxiety in his house. He is the one who is harming the kids.

 

Can you not see ,not only was he disrespectful staying out all night, then having his GF drive him home. But he then had the nerve to scream at his wife ?

 

people generally see someone treating others with vile disrespect and do not get it.....Well, until one day they are the target of his disrespect. You may want him so bad, but understand, you will be the target of his abuse and one day. I do not say this lightly. Why do you want this abusive man when he has shown you how vile he can be?

 

I am aware of this. That is why I am here. To help myself get out of this. Little things like that sunday morning really have got to me. They all add up. I am going to get out of it. I would never let someone treat me like that. They times he has tried to I have pulled him up on it. I don't think many women have as he immediately became a shamed kitten. Sad little man...

[Lady2163]

Yes, I am the other woman.

 

I'm not speaking as the other woman, when I say"don't tell the children until the dust settles."

 

While it may be a huge conflict of interest, for me to say this, I'm saying it as a human being.

 

It's what I've told friends, acquaintances. In counseling, I usually determined as non threatening as possible, "why" the betrayed spouse wanted to tell. "why" can be very accusatory.

 

No, I don't have kids. Our 30 year old foster child only keeps in touch with me. 14 years later I still don't bash my ex-husband. But, if he cheated (he might have) I've never told her I have my doubts. Shes definitely old enough to handle it. Not the same thing, but my nieces and nephews don't know details either.

 

To not speak poorly of the spouse while divorcing is tough. I truly, sincerely admire the men and women who are able to do it.

 

When the op is a stranger to the child, I just don't see the purpose of telling the child their personal info. Once again...why would you?

 

You see, I read the posts about how the op should lose everything for having an affair with your WS. I don't see as much vitriolic rhetoric toward the wandering spouse - particularly if the bs is staying with the WS.

 

I read things that say the op should lose their spouse, their kids, their job, their standing in the community. Meanwhile the WS, is in for a tough road, too. He is, going to have to earn the respect and trust of spouse and kids again. But they don't have to lose their jobs or homes.

 

I created the hypothetical due to gun violence and the predominant opinion that it is okay to give the children the op personal information.

 

It is a far out hypothetical. I wanted to see if people had their limits as to how far the OP should be punished. I could have accepted, "That's a whacked out butterfly wing hypothetical. Yes, the op did wrong, but they don't deserve to die."

 

Not a lot of "Yes, buts" here.

 

One side note: A 14 year old neighbor used to mow my lawn. I left, he mowed my lawn. I came home, my $500 lawn mower was broken. Two days later I find out it was broken beyond repair. While the John Deere repair truck was here, another neighbor came over to tell me that she didn't want to be involved, she intentionally saw him mow over a big branch numerous times. She showed me the spot and there were branch remnants. When I confronted, his parents took his side and refused to pay even half. When I told him he was fired and banned from my property, he cut loose with words his parents probably hadn't heard. The look of hatred and loss of control made me go by some window/door alarms. I took my dog and left town that night for three days to give him time to cool off.

 

Why? He and his dad hunted. He was on the junior shooting team. He had a gun cabinet in his BEDROOM.

[jlola]

I am aware of this. That is why I am here. To help myself get out of this. Little things like that sunday morning really have got to me. They all add up. I am going to get out of it. I would never let someone treat me like that. They times he has tried to I have pulled him up on it. I don't think many women have as he immediately became a shamed kitten. Sad little man...

 

But you went back. You do not understand how manipulation works. He plays the shamed kitten to get back in your good graces because he knows that's what works with you. Abusers play the shamed kitten well. This is what people do not realize when they ask why a woman would take back such a man.

 

The tears,promises and the temporary good behavior plays out well for manipulators.

 

as much a shamed kitten as he has been. He will eventually go back to being the same abusive man till he is called on it. Then he will manipulate you with the shamed kitten act again. All the while you think you are in control,but he is. He has your number and you never fail to pick up and do exactly as his game plan predicts.He has control of you,wife and kids. Not the other way around!

[MissBee]

I find it highly insulting how OW expect BS to just suck everything up and eat the **** sandwich being served with a smile.

 

I cannot believe when reading OW post of going NC and how it is making them crazy,depressed, they have been crying, unable to socialize,anxious whatever. It is their right. Even though they knew going into the affair,it would not be smooth sailing.

 

But BS cannot have any of these feelings. she is supposed to have a smile ready for the kids and act like all is well.

 

Why? Whys is it you have someone who is basically facing a death and you expect her to suck it up, put on a smile for the kids and act like everything is ok,so you and MM are protected.

 

You want the reality? My mother is a generally happy person. Few things make her angry and she is apt to brush things off more so than most. the patience,laughter and love she has shown to us is in abundance.

 

But in my father's affairs(even though she would not tell us) she would grow sullen, the light would go out of her eyes, she would be up at 2AM ( I would see her while passing to go to bathroom at night) just staring at the wall. sometimes smoking a cigarette which she would take to again as a way to soothe herself.

 

she would seem distant. Though we may not have known what as going on, we knew something was wrong. I would take that to school with me, my heart hurting for my mother. We would all try to cheer her up. She would give us smiles,hugs and kisses, but her heart was still broken .

She did not have the luxury to take to her bead. She could not cry all day. She had to be strong for us.

 

Meanwhile, my father would pick fights and create lots of tension in the house. Then he would storm off so loud,slamming the door and practically making the house shake. I now realize many people in affairs pick fights so they can spend time with the affair partner.

 

How much is the BS supposed to take?? so many OW here talk about the pain they have. Acting as though BS and the kids cannot possibly have the same pain.

 

This is why it irks me when MM/MW act like they are such great parents. Really? Good parents are in tune of what effects their behavior has on their kids. just because the kids do not know, does not mean they cannot feel something is wrong.

 

!!!!!!

 

Like X 10000!

[fanine]

But you went back. You do not understand how manipulation works. He plays the shamed kitten to get back in your good graces because he knows that's what works with you. Abusers play the shamed kitten well. This is what people do not realize when they ask why a woman would take back such a man.

 

The tears,promises and the temporary good behavior plays out well for manipulators.

 

as much a shamed kitten as he has been. He will eventually go back to being the same abusive man till he is called on it. Then he will manipulate you with the shamed kitten act again. All the while you think you are in control,but he is. He has your number and you never fail to pick up and do exactly as his game plan predicts.He has control of you,wife and kids. Not the other way around!

 

Oh I know he is totally in control! I know the games he plays now, the things he says to get me back in. The coldness if I say I am leaving. I see the panic when he thinks he is losing control. I dont want games. I dont want all this ****. I deserve so much better. I know that. That is why I am working on this. I am seeing the light...

[georgia girl]

I am against telling children there is/was an affair...until LONG after the dust has settled.

 

I am even more against giving them any details about the ow/om. The name, address, workplace etc.

 

I gave an example of a true story of a teenaged boy who caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to the wrong house thinking he was doing it to the ow house.

 

But, here is the hypothetical...

 

You have just discovered your WS is having an affair. You are enraged, you can't think straight. You speak honestly to your children maybe before or after you've calmed down.

 

Now they're enraged and upset. And they don't have the coping skills an adult does.

 

And there are guns in the house.

 

Your sweet, never-hurt-a-fly child goes and kills the op.

 

No matter how much you hate the op, he/she didn't deserve to die.

 

Many people feel that if the OP is financially ruined and publically outcast they brought it on themselves by have a relationship with a married man.

 

Society as a whole is going to feel the same way about you and your child if that happens. It will come out how the child found out.

 

Your son or daughter is going to jail, probably for life. You and your spouse may also be facing some charges as well.

 

The OPs family IS going to hold you responsible and take civil action. They will win.

 

Your child is in jail, you are in financial ruin for the rest of your life - any estate is gone. Your marriage is over.

 

But, hey - at least you were honest with your children.

 

 

 

Here's my not-so-hypothetical answer to your hypothetical question. I was a child who found out about my father's affair. Initially, I was 13. Then, it ruined my senior year and ultimately ruined my sister's wedding day.

 

So, before you pontificate on how the OW would be an innocent victim of a crime, be awfully careful about treading into areas where tremendous damage has been done to some.

 

I never wanted to hurt/kill my father's OW as a child, teen-ager and then adult. What I wanted - very clearly - was her out of our lives. I wanted her to stop calling my mother a gold digger (she married my dad when they were both penniless and built their lives together with him) and me a whore. I was a 15-year-old virgin who had never kissed a boy when she called me that.

 

So, the destructive person in my life was not me, an out-of-control teen-ager who grew up in a house with guns by the way and despite my dad's hardly secret hiding place for the key to the gun safe, I had access to. It was the woman in my father's life and my father.

 

They did the damage. They didn't care who they hurt. They didn't care that my sister was in her wedding gown getting pictures taken with my mom when she showed up at the church to ruin my own sister's wedding or that I confronted my Dad and missed my senior dance. They didn't care.

 

Your question is hurtful. I rarely, if ever, get mad on this board. But I am mad. Don't shift any blame - hypothetical or not - to a child who just wants a stable home. Unless you sat up at night praying for your father to come home, begged your parents to stay together, accused your own mother of being hypervigilent when she "didn't need to be," then begged your parents to get a divorce, then hated your father with a passion that it took years to get over and come to peace with, you don't understand the raw pain and abject hurt that comes with a parent's infidelity. You never had to fear that your friends and teachers would find out dad's fooling around, never had to worry that you'd have to sell your house, couldn't go to college or leave everything you've ever known if your parents split up.

 

Affairs hurt people. In my opinion, they hurt children the most. And yes, you can hide it all you want, the children know.

[Lady2163]

I find it highly insulting how OW expect BS to just suck everything up and eat the **** sandwich being served with a smile.

 

I cannot believe when reading OW post of going NC and how it is making them crazy,depressed, they have been crying, unable to socialize,anxious whatever. It is their right. Even though they knew going into the affair,it would not be smooth sailing.

 

But BS cannot have any of these feelings. she is supposed to have a smile ready for the kids and act like all is well.

 

Why? Whys is it you have someone who is basically facing a death and you expect her to suck it up, put on a smile for the kids and act like everything is ok,so you and MM are protected.

 

You want the reality? My mother is a generally happy person. Few things make her angry and she is apt to brush things off more so than most. the patience,laughter and love she has shown to us is in abundance.

 

But in my father's affairs(even though she would not tell us) she would grow sullen, the light would go out of her eyes, she would be up at 2AM ( I would see her while passing to go to bathroom at night) just staring at the wall. sometimes smoking a cigarette which she would take to again as a way to soothe herself.

 

she would seem distant. Though we may not have known what as going on, we knew something was wrong. I would take that to school with me, my heart hurting for my mother. We would all try to cheer her up. She would give us smiles,hugs and kisses, but her heart was still broken .

She did not have the luxury to take to her bead. She could not cry all day. She had to be strong for us.

 

Meanwhile, my father would pick fights and create lots of tension in the house. Then he would storm off so loud,slamming the door and practically making the house shake. I now realize many people in affairs pick fights so they can spend time with the affair partner.

 

How much is the BS supposed to take?? so many OW here talk about the pain they have. Acting as though BS and the kids cannot possibly have the same pain.

 

This is why it irks me when MM/MW act like they are such great parents. Really? Good parents are in tune of what effects their behavior has on their kids. just because the kids do not know, does not mean they cannot feel something is wrong.

 

 

I'm really not trying to be hateful when I say this and maybe I'm wrong, but should the OW just wear a hairshirt and have nowhere free to go to talk about their anguish? This is the place for that. I mean, they're trying to put their feelings aside and think of what is the best situation for WS and the lives of others.

 

I realize it's an anonymous place here. But from what I've read, most (certainly not all) the op here are not the ones to break no contact. Should we be vile and say it's really your fault for not taking his phone away? It isn't, in the slightest.

 

I'm going to make a blanket statement and assume the OP posting on this forum are not the ones who had an affair with your WS...or your father if you aren't a BS. Why do you want to make them feel worse, when many are trying?

 

I'm trying to extricate myself the way that I feel is best for me...and him.

[2sure]

I'm really not trying to be hateful when I say this and maybe I'm wrong, but should the OW just wear a hairshirt and have nowhere free to go to talk about their anguish? This is the place for that. I mean, they're trying to put their feelings aside and think of what is the best situation for WS and the lives of others.

 

I realize it's an anonymous place here. But from what I've read, most (certainly not all) the op here are not the ones to break no contact. Should we be vile and say it's really your fault for not taking his phone away? It isn't, in the slightest.

 

I'm going to make a blanket statement and assume the OP posting on this forum are not the ones who had an affair with your WS...or your father if you aren't a BS. Why do you want to make them feel worse, when many are trying?

 

I'm trying to extricate myself the way that I feel is best for me...and him.

 

You know ....the post by the BS you refer to here...honestly sounded like she was speaking to WS, and AP' s in general. Not as though it were addressed to any particular OW. If felt that way to you though.

 

And I'm Being as kind and sincere here as possible. This stuff is hard to not take personally isn't it? But if we try, we can.

[HopingAgain]

Look, part of the reality of CHOOSING to engage in an affair is that if kids are involved, they ARE going to get hurt. Whether they find out directly,, or just notice that mommy and daddy is fighting all the time, or suddenly getting a divorce, or that suddenly their parents are paying them as much attention as they were before, or...whatever.

 

This is the reality of having an affair, so if you are a WS or OP, be prepared to deal with the fact that yes, you are helping to hurt innocent children.

[2sure]

Tell the children or don't. They deal with it frontline. The BS cannot protect them from the effects . That's the single most painful part of the infidelity. Make no mistake.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'm really not trying to be hateful when I say this and maybe I'm wrong, but should the OW just wear a hairshirt and have nowhere free to go to talk about their anguish? This is the place for that. I mean, they're trying to put their feelings aside and think of what is the best situation for WS and the lives of others.

 

I realize it's an anonymous place here. But from what I've read, most (certainly not all) the op here are not the ones to break no contact. Should we be vile and say it's really your fault for not taking his phone away? It isn't, in the slightest.

 

I'm going to make a blanket statement and assume the OP posting on this forum are not the ones who had an affair with your WS...or your father if you aren't a BS. Why do you want to make them feel worse, when many are trying?

 

I'm trying to extricate myself the way that I feel is best for me...and him.

 

I think, and I am guessing is that when a OM/OW who is discussing their pain and in turn pointing out the issues with the children or BS the feeling is...well at least you CHOSE to be part of the deceit. So your pain is to an extent, self inflicted.

 

So as you work through your feelings you are going to get people who stop you and point out the bigger picture and the other side. Support does not mean agreement.

 

After having seen the pain and anguish of affairs on the families and yes the spouses, I find it very very difficult to have sympathy for the WS or AP, I try, but honestly....when a AP says the BS should have been smart enough to pick up on it or whatever it makes me nutty.

 

But when we discuss the children...I get mad, GeorgiaGirl's post is very similar, painfully similar to what I know.

 

For those who seek support extracting themselves. Support is here and in other places. Not always easy to hear, but it's there.

 

Good luck in your journey.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I too get a little crazy when OP's discuss someone else's children and how they believe things should be handled.

 

I understand the mental gymnastics of working through something like this, but in truth, it's all a waste of time, if you're not being honest with yourself. It basically comes down to accepting accountability and seeing what is actually going on in this triangle for what it is. I get that that's difficult when strong feeling are involved. I don't think healing comes from blaming the person who is being betrayed for not behaving appropriately. I get that this is the OP forum but saying how betrayed persons should and shouldn't act isnt really valid. I mean, you can, but it doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I was coming into a dark house and my son had come home shortly before me. I had just talked to him and he was supposed to be on his way. I entered through the garage into the back entry, tossed my purse and was making my way quicky to the restroom and never hit a light. As I was entering the family room he stepped out and grabbed me. What happened next SHOULDN'T have been done by a mom. He's a big kid but he ended up going through a TV. I was reacting with shear adrenaline! Luckily no one was hurt badly. I have never laid a hand on the child but people don't think clearly under those circumstances. Period! He SHOULD have known better. If he'd done that to his dad he probably would be seriously hurt. When people are put in situations like that they react without thinking.

 

You have the power and right to involve yourself with anyone you choose, you do not have the power or right to dictate what someone's actions should/will be. I've said it over and over... Know the mental statuts of your BS, their Adult kids, family members etc... Otherwise you could be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Don't jump out at people in the dark, you're putting yourself at risk, if you do, be prepared for what might happen.

Edited July 30, 2013 by IfWishesWereHorses

[So happy together]

Well...from my perspective...telling the kids the truth about the WS's actions isn't "speaking poorly about the parents"...it's telling the truth.

 

If you think that telling them truth is "speaking poorly"...that should tell you something about your actions (I'm using the "general you" here, not targeting this statement directly).

 

If you don't want the kids to be hurt/angry by your actions...don't do those actions.

 

Don't do something destructive to the family and then hope that no one tells them the truth.

 

And back on subject of the 'risks' here...if there's any kind of 'real concern' that the kids are the ones who might take violent action against the AP...then clearly that should factor into the choice to tell or not to tell. (smacks forehead)

 

 

Do you also tell them that you are arguing with your husband/wife because they won't sleep with you? That does damage to the family, as the parents fight/give silent treatment/divorce.

 

Do you tell them that your child is an only child because "your mother refused to have any more"? That hurts the child, the family dynamic (if the child wanted siblings, or the husband wanted more kids)...

 

There is no reason to discuss your sex life with your children. If you'd like to say "Mom and Dad are having a difficult go of things, we're arguing, or we are trying to sort things" that's one thing, but really? Telling them "Daddy screwed the meter maid" is ridiculous.

[MissBee]

I too get a little crazy when OP's discuss someone else's children and how they believe things should be handled.

 

I understand the mental gymnastics of working through something like this, but in truth, it's all a waste of time, if you're not being honest with yourself. It basically comes down to accepting accountability and seeing what is actually going on in this triangle for what it is. I get that that's difficult when strong feeling are involved. I don't think healing comes from blaming the person who is being betrayed for not behaving appropriately. I get that this is the OP forum but saying how betrayed persons should and shouldn't act isnt really valid. I mean, you can, but it doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I was coming into a dark house and my son had come home shortly before me. I had just talked to him and he was supposed to be on his way. I entered through the garage into the back entry, tossed my purse and was making my way quicky to the restroom and never hit a light. As I was entering the family room he stepped out and grabbed me. What happened next SHOULDN'T have been done by a mom. He's a big kid but he ended up going through a TV. I was reacting with shear adrenaline! Luckily no one was hurt badly. I have never laid a hand on the child but people don't think clearly under those circumstances. Period! He SHOULD have known better. If he'd done that to his dad he probably would be seriously hurt. When people are put in situations like that they react without thinking.

 

You have the power and right to involve yourself with anyone you choose, you do not have the power or right to dictate what someone's actions should/will be. I've said it over and over... Know the mental statuts of your BS, their Adult kids, family members etc... Otherwise you could be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Don't jump out at people in the dark, you're putting yourself at risk, if you do, be prepared for what might happen.

 

That sums it up so succinctly and eloquently!

[jlola]

I too get a little crazy when OP's discuss someone else's children and how they believe things should be handled.

 

I understand the mental gymnastics of working through something like this, but in truth, it's all a waste of time, if you're not being honest with yourself. It basically comes down to accepting accountability and seeing what is actually going on in this triangle for what it is. I get that that's difficult when strong feeling are involved. I don't think healing comes from blaming the person who is being betrayed for not behaving appropriately. I get that this is the OP forum but saying how betrayed persons should and shouldn't act isnt really valid. I mean, you can, but it doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I was coming into a dark house and my son had come home shortly before me. I had just talked to him and he was supposed to be on his way. I entered through the garage into the back entry, tossed my purse and was making my way quicky to the restroom and never hit a light. As I was entering the family room he stepped out and grabbed me. What happened next SHOULDN'T have been done by a mom. He's a big kid but he ended up going through a TV. I was reacting with shear adrenaline! Luckily no one was hurt badly. I have never laid a hand on the child but people don't think clearly under those circumstances. Period! He SHOULD have known better. If he'd done that to his dad he probably would be seriously hurt. When people are put in situations like that they react without thinking.

 

You have the power and right to involve yourself with anyone you choose, you do not have the power or right to dictate what someone's actions should/will be. I've said it over and over... Know the mental statuts of your BS, their Adult kids, family members etc... Otherwise you could be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Don't jump out at people in the dark, you're putting yourself at risk, if you do, be prepared for what might happen.

 

The day my serial cheating sister decides she will stop cheating on her husbands . Is the day i will be the first to support her.

 

But she is like a mean girl when she is having an affair. she either exaggerates traits of her present husband. To make him look really bad and give her a reason for the affair. Or talks bad about the BS of OM(who she never meets) as though it is some sort of competition.

 

You know the BS "doesn't cook" ,she "doesn't look good" "she always yells at him" "She is controlling"she,she,she,never the MM.

 

It is hard to support people who get themselves involved in a marriage(My grandmother always said "stay out of married people's business, you have no place in it). Then because they hear one side of it, they become an expert and give advice. Often having more sympathy for a lying bas***d, then the person he is deceiving. Often times talking to friends about bad BS thought they now nothing of the real truth.