To people who think porn is okay-looking for advice.

[Adunaphel]

I would really like to receive some imput/advice from people who believe that porn is okay, expecially from guys.

 

I am growing more and more insecure with and upset by my bf's porn usage in time. Lately the situation has started to get out of control.

 

 

------------part of the message that can be skipped, it's just more details---------

 

 

At the beginning of the relationship I was perfectly fine with porn and did not feel threatened by it in the least - so it is not a 'morality' problem for me.

 

I also know it is not a morality problem from the fact that not everything he downloads upsets me or makes me unconfortable.

I am okay with porn movies, or close ups of female anatomy.

I am not exactly okay but can live with pics of ladies who are doing something..like masturbating or playing with items ...the kind of pics that are more focused on what the lady is doing than on what the lady looks like.

 

What I am unconfortable with is pretty ladies posing naked, expecially if they look very young. (I mean that they are 18 or more but look 18 or less).

 

I feel treathened (yes, that is insecurity), I know that I should not compare myself to them but I think that, matter-of-factly, my bf *is* comparing them to me even if he knows thay are just fantasies.

 

I also find quite disgusting the idea of a 32 yrs old men saving pics of 18 years old on his pc....even if it is mainly pics of (slightly) older women he collects.

A few days ago I literally flipped out because of a pic of a 18 years old dressed so she'd look even younger.

It makes me feel old (I am 25!!!!) and ugly.

 

I do have a good looking body, I can try my best to improve my looks, but I can't do much about my face....it's genetics!!! I mean, I can keep in shape, I can have an ass that looks as good as those of the girls in the porn pics, but what can I do about my eye colour or the shape of my facial features????

 

Funny thing is, currently I see my bf only in the weekends, I don't mind him looking at porn (the only exception is the very young looking ladies) when I'm not there and won't be for a few days....I'm basically worried about what will happen when and if we'll be living together.

 

So all this insecurity is about **something that is not yet happened and might even NOT happen**. I get mad because in my mind I shift the current situation in a possible future scenario.

 

 

------------------------end of the part that can be skipped-------------------------------

 

 

I actually know quite well what my 'porn problem'originates from.

 

I probably would not have a porn problem if my bf had ever said that he would not swap me for any of the girls in the porn pics.

 

Which he didn't. He actually said quite the contrary on a couple of occasions.

I asked him, so you can say I tricked him into it, but yes, he would swap me for this or that girl if he got to know her and she had a nice personality.

This statement actually is still giving me intimacy problems.

 

Also, in the last months I never got a compliment (on my looks or anything else)from my bf, but I heard a lot of enthusiastic comments about other girls (real ones, or girls on tv, or girls in the porn pics). This is a huge turn off and eventually lead me to have an encreasing porn problem.

 

I'd also need a little more romance in my life. I'd need to feel special.....to be told I am special with words or to be shown I am special with actions!

 

The question is - is it okay to expalin my bf *why* I am having a porn problem?

 

Is it okay to ask him to please either say to me more nice things or to say less nice things about other women?

 

Is it okay to explain him that I am not feeling anymore special to him, that I'd need a little more romance in my life?

You don't feel really special, when you spend all your time with your bf in front of the television. (I hate the tv)

 

If i ask those things to him, should I mention the porn problem at all?

 

Should I ask at all? Would it be emotional blackmail if I asked? Would it be being too demanding to ask?

 

Is it okay to ask him what should I expect from him (porn usage) when/if we'll live together?

[UCFKevin]

I don't think it's a porn problem your BF has. It's a tact problem. And a respect problem.

 

I dont' see the harm in watching porn but to talk about and the girls in it and comment on them and compliment them and other women in real life? That's just STUPIDITY. You deserve better than that.

 

Why are you still with a guy who told you that he'd swap you for a porn star? Does he have ANY redeeming qualities?

[Wolvesbaned]

Completely OK! Hell, the fool should be happy to have such a wonderful girlfriend!

 

I don't think you should ask, he should just know that if you have a gf don't talk about other girls. If he had the nerve to say he'd trade you in for a porn star with a nice personality... give him the walking papers! Do him the favor of letting him find the poor skank! Without him, you might run into the one you're supposed to be with and take notice

 

Did you ever play princess when you were young? It doesn't have to end you know, it shouldn't have ended. If your boy doesn't wake up & smell the coffee soon, he will lose you before you do.

[immoralist]

It's not only ok to speak with your bf about these issues, it's necessary to do so to safe your relationship.

 

From your excellent description, your bf does not have a "porn" problem, rather, he has a "relationship" problem of the first order.

 

Your bf has treated you with contempt: few compliments, little romance, excessive tv watching and telling you that he'd "swap" you for a more attractive model. This is not the behavior of a man in a respectful, let alone loving, relationship. And this is a weekend relationship, now!

 

The problem, at bottom, lies not with him, but with you: You must ask yourself why you continue in a relationship with a man who, by his words, conduct and attitude, treats you like an expendable, second class lover. A love relationship is not so much about respect and desire as the perception that one's lover respects and desires the other. That your bf appears to care so little about how you might perceive him tells me that he's either an insensitive, body-image obsessed clod or cruel.

 

Unfortunately, either way you lose.

 

Good luck trying to reform this 32-year old.

[bluechocolate]

from immoralist

From your excellent description, your bf does not have a "porn" problem, rather, he has a "relationship" problem of the first order.

 

I agree. I don't think porn is really much of an issue here. Take it away & you're still dealing with a man who tells his partner that he would leave her for a more beautiful woman - and here is the back handed compliment - if she had a personality like yours.

 

I think it's fine to ask for & say the things that you mention in the end of your thread. I am a great believer in asking for what you want & not settling for less (in most circumstances). However, I get the feeling that you've been struggling with this for a while & like immoralist implied, I doubt you'll have much success trying to reform a 32 year old man. Personally I find it difficult to believe that a man can either think it is OK to say those things or be so ignorant as to their impact to believe that they are not harmful to your feelings or to his relationship.

 

Do they have this saying in Italian? - "like flogging a dead horse" - ? Could it be that is what you are doing?

[Adunaphel]

sorry, double post

[Adunaphel]

Thank you for your answers.....I needed perspectives and what you said is food for thought.

 

Originally posted by UCFKevin

I don't think it's a porn problem your BF has. It's a tact problem. And a respect problem.

Thanks a lot.... I think the same-that he is lacking some tact - but it makes me feel better to hear it from a guy!

I dont' see the harm in watching porn but to talk about and the girls in it and comment on them and compliment them and other women in real life? That's just STUPIDITY. You deserve better than that.

I thnk it's fair to add that he does not do it all the time, I said he does that a lot but he only does it 3-4 times a day when we are together (which to me *is* a lot, actually)and not in a mean way.

 

If we are on the phone he might say that this girl on the tv is really pretty, she has a so pretty face and curly hair (he loves curly hair, mine is not).

Or that this model appearing in a tw show has a great body and a great ass.

I suspect sometimes he says it on purpose but just to make me get over my jealousy.

Other times he does not seem to be doing so on purpose, like he does not realize his comments can be hurtful.

 

Why are you still with a guy who told you that he'd swap you for a porn star? Does he have ANY redeeming qualities?

Not necessarily a porn star.....basically, he'd swap me for a better looking girl if she also had a nice personality (or a personality nicer than mine).

 

He thinks that everybody thinks that way. I am still figuring out whether it is just the way most guys think (in which case I have to get a reality check and get over it) or if normally even guys (I say 'even guys'like guys were from a totally different planet, ha!) would NOT swap their partner with 'a better model'.

 

But perhaps he said it only in a very hypotetical way - he does not really look like he is actively looking around.

 

I think that even if it might annoy him I'll bring back this topic again and ask him what he exactly meant. He might have been just over-logical (usually, prettier and more interesting=better....but hell, that's when you are not in a relationship yet, is it?) but I have to know exactly or it will continue to give me intimacy problems.

 

 

Wolvesbaned,

thanks for your imput.

I don't think you should ask, he should just know that if you have a gf don't talk about other girls.

 

I guess an occasional comment can be okay if it is not an offensive one (and he made an inappropriate comment like "I can't decide which one I'd like to screw first" only a couple of times.... he stopped immediately when I complained) , but I have to get my more-than-fair share of them first!!!

 

I remember that time ago when we would look at porn pics together (hard to believe even for me now but there was a time , long time ago, when I even looked at pics of nekkid girls with him) I would make a comment about a girl, say "I wish I had an ass like hers"and he'd tell me that mine was not really different from hers...plus the pics were airbrushed, I had a better body than most of those ladies...I was not jealous or felt not treathened because he was really treating me like he would *never*swap me for any of them.

 

Did you ever play princess when you were young? It doesn't have to end you know, it shouldn't have ended.

 

perhaps I might try to treat him like a prince first.

Perhaps lately he has been acting this way as a reaction to my jealous/nagging behaviour.... and we are feeding a vitious circle.

I might try to stop acting jealous/insecure for a while and see if it works.

 

Immoralist, (aka polimorphic man of the many screennames )

 

The problem, at bottom, lies not with him, but with you: You must ask yourself why you continue in a relationship with a man who, by his words, conduct and attitude, treats you like an expendable, second class lover.

You neiled it, that's exactly how I'm feeling now

 

Why I am with him...well, I'm in love with him, first. And I wish things could go back as they used to be, he used to be different and really nice.

He is still really nice in a *lot* of ways.....he cuddles me a lot, he calls me every day when we don't see each other (it's a 'week-end'relationship because we live in difefrent towns), he is generally a really nice person, he would do little things for me.

 

And, if you remember my previous threads he almost cut contacts with the people in his frat....because I had problems with it.

And this is something really *big* he did for the relationship.

Actually, to be totally honest, I suspect that lately he has become like that because he is resentful for having lost those friends because of me. Just a suspect on my part, I can't really know.

 

Bluechocolate,

I agree. I don't think porn is really much of an issue here. Take it away & you're still dealing with a man who tells his partner that he would leave her for a more beautiful woman - and here is the back handed compliment - if she had a personality like yours.

he didn't exactly said he'd love me.....he said he'd pick her over me.....if the second statement implies the first, is exactly what I've been wondering since then. Perhaps he said it just in an hypotetical way???

Perhaps he wasn't even being serious? but then why when I tried to discuss the subject he got annoyed after a while? Had he been totally facetious, he would have told me I guess.

I *wish* he said "if she had a personality like mine". I would not really be that worried/hurt if he had said so, because that would mean he thinks my personality is the best possible (which is _not_ the case).

He exactly said "if she had a nice personality..... you know, personality is important too"

 

 

Do they have this saying in Italian? - "like flogging a dead horse" - ?

 

we have 'trying to draw blood out of a turnip' which basically means the same

 

I think it's fine to ask for & say the things that you mention in the end of your thread. I am a great believer in asking for what you want & not settling for less (in most circumstances). However, I get the feeling that you've been struggling with this for a while & like immoralist implied, I doubt you'll have much success trying to reform a 32 year old man.

 

Since everyone thinks it is okay to ask......well, I'm going to try.

 

Trying can't hurt- I'll have to work on asking it in the right way, without getting upset or sounding accusing.

 

It would also be unfair to him not to try to tell him those things.....

 

so this is what I'll do:

 

I'll wait a little time trying not to act jealous and nagging meanwhile... I'll ask him in a nice wayto go have dinner out together/go somewhere nice/have a walk instead of feeling bad because we are always at home, and if he does not feel like it I'll ask him again nicely the next time ....

next time I hear a comment about another girl I'll tell him nicely (not naggingly)that he is making me feel insecure. I'll try to forget about porn for a while-that's not the problem.

 

I'll see if things change by themselves (perhaps it's just a period he is upset at me) , if they don't, I'll discuss the problem and talk about how I feel about it.

 

If nothing will be useful...well, I'll get out of the relationship hard as it will be...for my own sake and his.

 

Thanks again for your replies. :) You guys are great.

[immoralist]

One other thing, Adunaphel. I've seen your photo avatar, and I've read your insightful posts. You're a very smart and beautiful woman. And unless your bf gets a personality graft, I'd dump him for a man who appreciates beauty, brains and class.

 

You're too good for him.

[Adunaphel]

Awww, thanks, Immoralist, I am not used to such *huge*compliments.

I think you made my day, even if it is fair to add that the pic you saw was a very flattering one!

 

I have started to try to let my bf know when his attitude hurts me, but I have to work on it because I've not started well. .

 

Today I was on the phone with my bf, I mentioned I had bought a new anti-wrinkles cream I wanted to try, and he said jokingly "it's too late for it".

 

Well, normally I would have just got offended and/or worried (funny how I'd think 'he is not that attracted to me anymore' even if I know it was just a joke)but this time I just said "well, I guess I still could put 100 extra pounds on, that would smooth my wrinkles out"

(this was evil-he is 100 pounds overweight, but I thought it would feel good to give him some tit for tat).

 

Then I said "sorry, that was evil, I said it just because I was a little taken aback by your joke".

 

 

I should have just said that I found his joke not nice instead of replying with something about 10 times nastier.

It was childish, I really have to learn how to communicate, but at least I think that saying something back -even if wrong to do so- is better than not saying anything at all and just worrying! So there at least was an improvement. Or so I hope.

 

Next time I'll not get temped by tit for tat and act more mature.