WishfulThinking74 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I am a divorced woman in a year long relationship with an ex who is now married. Throughout our relationship he has assured me that he was in the throws of leaving a bad marriage, but now it is becoming clear that he isn't leaving his marriage at all. He waffles when I ask when. He avoids questions about when we will see each other again (long distance). Today I decided it was enough. We've gone in and out of NC over the past couple of months as I've tried to make it clear that while I love him, I cannot be with him if he will remain with his wife. He did his usual emails during the night. I usually return his messages in the morning. I didn't. Because I didn't, he didn't call today. I just intend to go silent. I've sent dramatic emails in the past explaining why I need NC, but this time I'm just going away. Is this a bad idea? Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I am a divorced woman in a year long relationship with an ex who is now married. Throughout our relationship he has assured me that he was in the throws of leaving a bad marriage, but now it is becoming clear that he isn't leaving his marriage at all. He waffles when I ask when. He avoids questions about when we will see each other again (long distance). Today I decided it was enough. We've gone in and out of NC over the past couple of months as I've tried to make it clear that while I love him, I cannot be with him if he will remain with his wife. He did his usual emails during the night. I usually return his messages in the morning. I didn't. Because I didn't, he didn't call today. I just intend to go silent. I've sent dramatic emails in the past explaining why I need NC, but this time I'm just going away. Is this a bad idea? Well dramatic emails didn't seem to made the NC last the previous times. I have done the same. Tbh I dont think my MM ever properly read them past the first line. English is his second language anyway...I fired off these long emails hoping he would understand. He never did. I am at the moment in a NC without warning. We had a bit of a tiff. I don't want to get back in contact again. I have had enough. He gave me the silent treatment and I am not chasing. I have not sent the it's over text or email. He will expect me to. I do not want to contact him again. Full stop. He knows all the reasons why I cant handle this. No point repeating them. I know though that after a few days he will get curious and try and contact me. I think yours might too, wonder why you have suddenly gone silent. It is a change from the pattern... I don't think it is unwise. It is how you felt best to deal with it at the time. Other methods didnt work. Maybe this is the way you can achieve NC. Good luck. Just be ready to know what to do when he does try and get in touch. As I am sure he will.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 No. I don't think its a bad idea. Well done you Sorry for all that happened to you by the way I think you get to a point when enough is enough and NC really does just feel...right(if that makes sense). B0ll0ck$ to him ...its time to reclaim your life ! Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I am a divorced woman in a year long relationship with an ex who is now married. Throughout our relationship he has assured me that he was in the throws of leaving a bad marriage, but now it is becoming clear that he isn't leaving his marriage at all. He waffles when I ask when. He avoids questions about when we will see each other again (long distance). Today I decided it was enough. We've gone in and out of NC over the past couple of months as I've tried to make it clear that while I love him, I cannot be with him if he will remain with his wife. He did his usual emails during the night. I usually return his messages in the morning. I didn't. Because I didn't, he didn't call today. I just intend to go silent. I've sent dramatic emails in the past explaining why I need NC, but this time I'm just going away. Is this a bad idea? At this point it's not like he's really going to wonder why right? Not that you really owe him that, but he knows. Good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WishfulThinking74 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Yeah, thanks. I assume he'll try and contact me a few times over the next days not realizing what is going on. I hate this routine. During our last conversation I realized he was either reminiscing over our past (we were together as a couple years ago) or talking about what we will do in the future...seemingly forgetting that he is married? I noticed the obvious...no talk of the present. No talk of when we'd see each other again or even when he'd call next. I know this is because he living a busy double life and getting away with me requires much planning, which is stressful. I'm starting to feel like I'm not even worth the stress of his creating reasons to go away anymore....pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I've sent dramatic emails in the past explaining why I need NC, but this time I'm just going away. Is this a bad idea? Absolutely not! You are doing what most cannot and that is ending the A yourself! I think you are a brave woman and that you are making a wise and healthy decision for yourself. Keep strong with NC! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 You not telling him gives you an out if you change your mind. He won't know you two are truly over and you're in NC. TELL him goodbye this time and mean it. Not telling him that you want NC is a game play. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I am a divorced woman in a year long relationship with an ex who is now married. Throughout our relationship he has assured me that he was in the throws of leaving a bad marriage, but now it is becoming clear that he isn't leaving his marriage at all. He waffles when I ask when. He avoids questions about when we will see each other again (long distance). Today I decided it was enough. We've gone in and out of NC over the past couple of months as I've tried to make it clear that while I love him, I cannot be with him if he will remain with his wife. He did his usual emails during the night. I usually return his messages in the morning. I didn't. Because I didn't, he didn't call today. I just intend to go silent. I've sent dramatic emails in the past explaining why I need NC, but this time I'm just going away. Is this a bad idea? Nope...you must do what you need to do. How many dramatic emails can you send before you realize you're expending energy on someone who isn't lacking in understanding, just lacking in care to do anything differently? I did the dramatic emails and dramatic 5 hour phone talks before....didn't change anything. However, it was oddly him who initiated the first real and lasting NC, I was upset of course, but it helped me tremendously to get off that hamster wheel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WishfulThinking74 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Nope...you must do what you need to do. How many dramatic emails can you send before you realize you're expending energy on someone who isn't lacking in understanding, just lacking in care to do anything differently? I did the dramatic emails and dramatic 5 hour phone talks before....didn't change anything. However, it was oddly him who initiated the first real and lasting NC, I was upset of course, but it helped me tremendously to get off that hamster wheel. Hamster wheel is a good way to describe whats going on. Why did your exMM finally initiate the lasting NC? Did his wife find out? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Hamster wheel is a good way to describe whats going on. Why did your exMM finally initiate the lasting NC? Did his wife find out? He didn't have a wife but a long term gf. There was a lead up to it. I was increasingly unhappy, we were arguing more, I initiated ending things about 3 times, and said we should be friends, but I didn't implement strict NC so it fell back into the same pattern. Rinse repeat until overtime it was like a weaning off where our contact dwindled then one day it was total NC, he didn't respond to my messages, and for an entire year we didn't speak. I guessed about it it a lot and assumed he was found out; however, a year later he came back and explained he was not found out, he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and I was upset and hurting and he thought it was best for him to disappear. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts