How Involved were the Kids?

[MissBee]

Since there have been several threads about telling the kids after the fact about an affair, I was curious about how involved you were as an OW/OM with the kids of your MM/MW while the affair was going on?

 

Did you meet the kids? Where? how?

 

Did you speak to them?

 

Were you sent pictures of them?

 

Did you go to their events?

 

How comfortable were you with interacting with or being involved in any aspect of their lives?

[bentleychic]

His are grown. I've not met them and won't ever unless we end up together. He's met my kids (but again, we were friends long before THIS), he's spoke to them, I've sent pics to him occasionally on his phone. They all know and like him. He's my friend, in their eyes. We don't all do things together, but they see him occasionally in town or if I meet him somewhere to bring him something. I've hugged him before in front of them, but I'm a VERY huggy person and hug all of my friends.

 

(I should say, I'm single so am answering from the MM's side.)

[MissBee]

In my own case, he sent me pictures of him and his child together if they were out, he didn't just randomly send pics of just his son only. But even though he was in the picture too, I felt a bit uncomfortable with it. He also randomly put his child on the phone twice while we were speaking, which was VERY bizarre for me .

[bentleychic]

That is weird. LOL The only time that happens is if my youngest goes "Is that (MM)? Can I talk to him?!" and even then I normally say no. LOL

[sad puppy]

Not involved with kids in any way. I saw pics of them on Facebook, and we talked about them, from time to time. But I never met them, never wanted to. If he and I start again, after he is divorced, I don't want to meet them unless he and I are totally serious about having a committed future. Why complicate issues for the kids? I don't see the point.

[wanting more]

We talked about our kids. I showed him pics of mine and he showed me pics of his.

 

I met 2 of his kids but it was at a work event, and we didn't hang around each other and have a conversation.

 

I wondered if when his BW told their son about me, did he remember when he met me before.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes we were all friends. My kids are much older and he knew them well. His oldest son (who was quite young at the time) absolutely loves me. Actually I got word a few weeks back that things are still hard there because he still prays for me every night and asks about me. The littlest one knows nothing - of shouldn't..

 

My kids (with the exception of my middle daughter ) hate him more because of his cowardice and not facing their father and for throwing me under the bus. If my son ever sees him he will tear him apart.

[MissBee]

Yes we were all friends. My kids are much older and he knew them well. His oldest son (who was quite young at the time) absolutely loves me. Actually I got word a few weeks back that things are still hard there because he still prays for me every night and asks about me. The littlest one knows nothing - of shouldn't..

 

My kids (with the exception of my middle daughter ) hate him more because of his cowardice and not facing their father and for throwing me under the bus. If my son ever sees him he will tear him apart.

 

Do your MM's kids and yours know about the affair?

[Sarabi]

In the beginning when we were just chatting as friends he sent her pics. She is cute. Just a toddler.

One day he came to give me a lift to work and bought her along...I was apprehensive but she was sleeping. When she woke up she played with my buttons lol.

Then I was at his place and well...not much speaking was happening but a lot of playing with buttons and earrings/jewellery(as toddlers do). He told me that she really liked me because a lot of people she will either avoid or not go to or start crying.

She was very sweet. One day I was leaving to go to work and she held her hands up to me and started crying that made me so sađ...honestly!

After that she wanted me to pick her up when I came in and when I was putting on my coat to go(of course, she would not allow me to put her down).

I remember the little kiddy programmes she would watch and what she would do and sometimes it makes me sad...

However..one day I thought about something and asked him "does your wife know I have been around your daughter and how do you think she would feel if she knew?"

After that things started winding down...until they stopped for good.

[MissBee]

In the beginning when we were just chatting as friends he sent her pics. She is cute. Just a toddler.

One day he came to give me a lift to work and bought her along...I was apprehensive but she was sleeping. When she woke up she played with my buttons lol.

Then I was at his place and well...not much speaking was happening but a lot of playing with buttons and earrings/jewellery(as toddlers do). He told me that she really liked me because a lot of people she will either avoid or not go to or start crying.

She was very sweet. One day I was leaving to go to work and she held her hands up to me and started crying that made me so sađ...honestly!

After that she wanted me to pick her up when I came in and when I was putting on my coat to go(of course, she would not allow me to put her down).

I remember the little kiddy programmes she would watch and what she would do and sometimes it makes me sad...

However..one day I thought about something and asked him "does your wife know I have been around your daughter and how do you think she would feel if she knew?"

After that things started winding down...until they stopped for good.

 

My blood boils imagining if I were the mom and that was happening!

 

If somehow I chose to have an affair in the future, that would be one of my boundaries for sure! I would absolutely not bring my kids around my OM.

[Lady2163]

Since there have been several threads about telling the kids after the fact about an affair, I was curious about how involved you were as an OW/OM with the kids of your MM/MW while the affair was going on?

 

Did you meet the kids? Where? how?

 

Did you speak to them?

 

Were you sent pictures of them?

 

Did you go to their events?

 

How comfortable were you with interacting with or being involved in any aspect of their lives?

 

I have been in half a dozen social situations with MM for 26 years.

 

I have been in the presence of three of his children - two of them before the affair. One sat down next to me at a public venue. I only knew it was hi because of an out of the area specific tshirt.

 

I, uh...held the baby 20 years ago at a public function. I did speak to her.

 

No pictures sent. I've seen pics.

 

I did not go to events. I watched a few minutes of,live stream once and it niggled me, even though he sent me the link.

 

The children and spouse do not know about the affair.

 

I do not anticipate ever meeting the children. I will be I the presence of married man again due to a distant family connection. We have the potential to meet at funerals and weddings. My presence is mandatory, im family, his is expected as friend of that branch.

[WishfulThinking74]

We shared pictures of our kids. We were long distance. He wanted to meet my kids, but I didn't do that. I rarely asked him about his child, which upset him...but I just didn't feel it was my place.

[LilGirlandOW]

today actually we went to the park with the kids, like I've mentioned before I adore his kids and they are young still. We have done a handful of things all together. I push them on swings, hold their hands when we walk and girl talk and laugh alot with his eldest. I met his kids before EA started and his eldest and I bonded instantly.

 

I have gone to school plays, concerts and taken pictures and video, etc before when MM couldnt attend due to work. BS would be there seperate from me but she always refused to "go out of her way" to send him pictures, updates, etc?

 

Today when MM and his kids came to the park where I was already at as we met there, eldest came running up to me excited to see me. I've never interacted with kids and BS. But I have seen them all as a family at an event, once awhile back, I hated it! MM saw that in my face I assume and left BS to come talk to me in a way like he was "petting the other dog" so I knew he loved me too kinda deal. Then texted me from a distance with BS beside him when he saw me talking to a man that was by himself, in a jealous way (the irony), then i followed he and BS secretly as they walked towards their seperate cars to see if they would hold hands or kiss goodbye which thankfully for me didnt happen

Edited July 31, 2013 by LilGirlandOW

[bentleychic]

today actually we went to the park with the kids, like I've mentioned before I adore his kids and they are young still. We have done a handful of things all together. I push them on swings, hold their hands when we walk and girl talk and laugh alot with his eldest. I met his kids before EA started and his eldest and I bonded instantly.

 

I have gone to school plays, concerts and taken pictures and video, etc before when MM couldnt attend due to work. BS would be there seperate from me but she always refused to "go out of her way" to send him pictures, updates, etc?

 

Today when MM and his kids came to the park where I was already at as we met there, eldest came running up to me excited to see me. I've never interacted with kids and BS. But I have seen them all as a family at an event, once awhile back, I hated it! MM saw that in my face I assume and left BS to come talk to me in a way like he was "petting the other dog" so I knew he loved me too kinda deal. Then texted me from a distance with BS beside him when he saw me talking to a man that was by himself, in a jealous way (the irony), then i followed he and BS secretly as they walked towards their seperate cars to see if they would hold hands or kiss goodbye which thankfully for me didnt happen

 

Sorry, hon, but this gives me the creeps in a "taking mommy's place" / "hand that rocks the cradle" kind of way. I would be LIVID if I were their mom and ever found out. LIVID.

 

And kids are SMART. They catch on SO quick. I don't know how old those kids are, but they can figure things out pretty young.

[MissBee]

today actually we went to the park with the kids, like I've mentioned before I adore his kids and they are young still. We have done a handful of things all together. I push them on swings, hold their hands when we walk and girl talk and laugh alot with his eldest. I met his kids before EA started and his eldest and I bonded instantly.

I have gone to school plays, concerts and taken pictures and video, etc before when MM couldnt attend due to work. BS would be there seperate from me but she always refused to "go out of her way" to send him pictures, updates, etc?

Today when MM and his kids came to the park where I was already at as we met there, eldest came running up to me excited to see me. I've never interacted with kids and BS. But I have seen them all as a family at an event, once awhile back, I hated it! MM saw that in my face I assume and left BS to come talk to me in a way like he was "petting the other dog" so I knew he loved me too kinda deal. Then texted me from a distance with BS beside him when he saw me talking to a man that was by himself, in a jealous way (the irony), then i followed he and BS secretly as they walked towards their seperate cars to see if they would hold hands or kiss goodbye which thankfully for me didnt happen

 

Ahh not sure what to make of this to be honest....

 

Well truth is, it infuriates me, and as an OW I wouldn't have ever done that. But that's me. Btw do you have kids and do they attend the same school? Or do you just go by yourself to his kids' events?

 

Also, are you absolutely comfortable with this or do you feel any discomfort at interacting with the children? It comes off as though you thoroughly enjoy this. I love kids personally, and later on my AP and I did have an open R, and I enjoyed his son...but before then I would have NEVER felt comfortable being a part of his child's life while it was an affair.

 

I think like in the other thread where people were discussing kids knowing, in cases like yours, where the MP really brings their kids around the AP and think they're oblivious are really something else...my dad did that to my sister, had her talk to and meet one of his OW, of course under the guise of friends, he never did it with me though, as I think he assumed I was too keen and would pick up on it. Unfortunately for him though, my sister is just as keen,but a lot more reserved than I am, so she still picked up on it, although it wasn't until we got older that she connected the dots that this random woman was an OW.

 

I think it a foolish risk on MP's part to bring their kids around their APs, esp if it wasn't a case where the AP was already a family friend so their presence was already familiar. Even so....you can't control what they pick up on or see and then report back casually to the BS not thinking anything about it.

Edited July 31, 2013 by MissBee

[save150]

I'm sure this regards youngsters. WH's OW kids are adults in their own lives. They met him and knew he was cheating on me with their mom. Didn't matter. See, they saw him as a bank account and he loaned them all money. However, one of them was having BF troubles herself. Interestingly, the same circumstance. Involved with a guy that was a cheater. Eventually she and her mom (OW) had a falling out with each other over their affairs. OW "Mom" didn't like DD going out with a cheater. And DD threw WH in her mom's face. Funny how that played out.

 

We have one who is also an adult in her own life. She's knows nothing and I intend to keep it that way.

[Lady2163]

today actually we went to the park with the kids, like I've mentioned before I adore his kids and they are young still. We have done a handful of things all together. I push them on swings, hold their hands when we walk and girl talk and laugh alot with his eldest. I met his kids before EA started and his eldest and I bonded instantly.

 

I have gone to school plays, concerts and taken pictures and video, etc before when MM couldnt attend due to work. BS would be there seperate from me but she always refused to "go out of her way" to send him pictures, updates, etc?

 

Today when MM and his kids came to the park where I was already at as we met there, eldest came running up to me excited to see me. I've never interacted with kids and BS. But I have seen them all as a family at an event, once awhile back, I hated it! MM saw that in my face I assume and left BS to come talk to me in a way like he was "petting the other dog" so I knew he loved me too kinda deal. Then texted me from a distance with BS beside him when he saw me talking to a man that was by himself, in a jealous way (the irony), then i followed he and BS secretly as they walked towards their seperate cars to see if they would hold hands or kiss goodbye which thankfully for me didnt happen

 

Girl - I am one of he most pro-OW I know. But you are one of the posters on here that make even ME go, "REALLY ???!!!"

 

Your relationship is like no other I've seen or heard. I'm not saying its good or bad.

 

But, whew.

 

And why on earth does his wife not take pictures or video? Again, why do people treat the ones the love the most this way?

 

May I ask how old you are?

[MissBee]

Girl - I am one of he most pro-OW I know. But you are one of the posters on here that make even ME go, "REALLY ???!!!"

 

Your relationship is like no other I've seen or heard. I'm not saying its good or bad.

 

But, whew.

And why on earth does his wife not take pictures or video? Again, why do people treat the ones the love the most this way?

 

May I ask how old you are?

 

Lil said the wife doesn't send him play by play updates at the events, not that she refuses to take pictures of her kids. I had to correct that, as it's always easy for an OW to run off and make wild negative accusations and assumptions based on little information and colored by their stake in the affair. I'm sure when MM gets home he can watch any videos or see any pictures his wife takes of the kids and she doesn't have to text him and send pictures about it immediately or throughout the event. However, since he and Lil probably text A LOT more than most married couples do, because it's an affair, it only makes sense that she has more time to text him play by play updates with pics and all while she is at these events. The mom may actually be engrossed in watching her kids' performances live and not taking pictures and sending them and texting about them the whole time...as that can be interpreted by the kids as her not being very involved but on her phone the whole time.

[LilGirlandOW]

MissBee,

I have 1 child and yes attends the same school Due to A, my child and his eldest are really good friends. Our kids have told people openly and blindly different things about us. His child told me that s/hes pretty sure MM has a crush on m, etc. We are not intimate in any way remotely at all in front of them, but sit close, laugh, smile, innocent flirty things i suppose. MM and BS have never had a close relationship, she is very a-sexual. Sometimes I get the feeling she(BS) knows and is in the mindset, of at least he wont be barking up her tree every couple months. I could be way off. But she is a cop and a good one it would be rediculous for me to think MM and I could so loosely "get away with it" for this long without her radars going off and her into detective mode.

[MissBee]

MissBee,

I have 1 child and yes attends the same school Due to A, my child and his eldest are really good friends. Our kids have told people openly and blindly different things about us. His child told me that s/hes pretty sure MM has a crush on m, etc. We are not intimate in any way remotely at all in front of them, but sit close, laugh, smile, innocent flirty things i suppose. MM and BS have never had a close relationship, she is very a-sexual. Sometimes I get the feeling she(BS) knows and is in the mindset, of at least he wont be barking up her tree every couple months. I could be way off. But she is a cop and a good one it would be rediculous for me to think MM and I could so loosely "get away with it" for this long without her radars going off and her into detective mode.

 

Ok, the fact that they attend the same school makes it less troubling.

 

Btw...last I heard you were done with MM, no longer so?

 

In any case, whether the BS knows or not, or is asexual or not is neither here nor there. I just think fraternizing with the kids is really too much. And case in point: although you are not kissing or having sex in front of them, kids can tell when someone is more than friendly. What they say to their mom, who knows....should be interesting how this unfolds.

[LilGirlandOW]

Lady, I'm 30.... he mid 40's

 

Sometimes I cringe when I type so honestly about circumstances and events... in a wow moment, yet they just happen so easily day to day.

[wanting more]

today actually we went to the park with the kids, like I've mentioned before I adore his kids and they are young still. We have done a handful of things all together. I push them on swings, hold their hands when we walk and girl talk and laugh alot with his eldest. I met his kids before EA started and his eldest and I bonded instantly.

 

I have gone to school plays, concerts and taken pictures and video, etc before when MM couldnt attend due to work. BS would be there seperate from me but she always refused to "go out of her way" to send him pictures, updates, etc?

 

Today when MM and his kids came to the park where I was already at as we met there, eldest came running up to me excited to see me. I've never interacted with kids and BS. But I have seen them all as a family at an event, once awhile back, I hated it! MM saw that in my face I assume and left BS to come talk to me in a way like he was "petting the other dog" so I knew he loved me too kinda deal. Then texted me from a distance with BS beside him when he saw me talking to a man that was by himself, in a jealous way (the irony), then i followed he and BS secretly as they walked towards their seperate cars to see if they would hold hands or kiss goodbye which thankfully for me didnt happen

 

I think when you hear about a BS going "crazy" and going after the OW physically, it would be in a situation involving this. I'm an xOW. there were opportunities where my kids (pre-teens) could've met xMM. NEVER HAPPENED. I hate to say it this way but..... This is fu**ed up!!!!!

 

Lil, how do you feel when you're around his kids? Good, bad, guilty? Im curious because I couldn't imagine being in this situation.

Edited July 31, 2013 by wanting more

[MissBee]

Sorry LilGirl but your MM is a total jerk-leaves you injured to save his own hide, allows his children to be involved in his affair- just YUCK!

 

I am thankful that so many of the OWs on this board do not involve the kids- thats ill- its an adult situation, leave it that way-

 

I am a teacher and I know having people in and out of kids lives is a disaster waiting to happen- there are many divorced people that do not bring their new relationships any place near their kids until they know it has a possibility for a future-thats good parenting- this stuff- I have no idea what to think-

 

I do think even in an affair you can still have some boundaries...and I really do think if nothing else, the marital home and the kids should be it. You can do what you want with the MP, but don't come into the BS's home and don't fraternize and hold hands and play god-mom/mom/auntie to the kids.

 

I know one thing, if my spouse had an affair and I find out my babies or kids were mingling with the OW, she was taking pictures of them, hugging them, holding hands, advising them...OMG...heads would fcccuking roll, I tell you that! I'm not even a mom yet, but I am so protective of kids and have a strong maternal instinct so can only imagine how much more prominent it will be when I do have my own children and I know hell will have no fury as an OW screwing my husband AND playing auntie OW to my kids unbeknownst to them of who she really is...God help him and her for that! I would hope my spouse wouldn't be so stupid and ridiculous though...like if he HAD to have an affair, I'd hope he do 3 things: use condoms, not bring her to our house, leave our kids all the way out of it. :mad:

[It-is-what-it-is.]

When we talk about the affair fog, or whatever you want to call it. Involving the kids is part of what causes people to SAY its a fog (drug, insanity whatever). This is the selfishness..

 

 

Someday, now, later, whatever those kids say...that Lil...she broke up may parents marriage. They know they liked you, and it fuxs them up because they contributed to it..they are a PART of the affair.

 

I am sorry Lil but this is wrong, extremely poor judgement.

[MissBee]

I think when you hear about a BS going "crazy" and going after the OW physically, it would be in a situation involving this. I'm an xOW. there were opportunities where my kids (pre-teens) could've met xMM. NEVER HAPPENED. I hate to say it this way but..... This is fu**ed up!!!!!

 

Lil, how do you feel when you're around his kids? Good, bad, guilty? Im curious because I couldn't imagine being in this situation.

 

Seems this is one topic where there isn't a BS against OW divide, as it is often depicted, but where all the former and current OW who've responded, even if they don't always see eye to eye, all agree that this is really too much!