I know the girl, I like the girl... So now what? (long post)

[Artscrafter]

Well, this is going to be something of a long story, so let's get to it.

 

I'm currently a sophomore in college. Near the start of my freshman year, I met this girl who we'll call "Emma." She was kind of cool, and she was in one of my classes. And that was about all there was to it at the start. But once I got to know her more, I realized that we had a lot in common. Gradually, I realized that I really liked her. And I'm certain that she likes me fairly well at least as a friend, but I can't be sure about whether there's anything past that. (Yeah, you all probably get this sort of thing a lot, I know.)

 

Here's the problem: I'd been wanting to ask her out for a while, but I was never able to come up with the specifics. That first year, neither of us had our own transportation, we were in a small town with nothing within walking distance worth going to off campus, and she was the sort who would go to anything she wanted to go to on campus, asked to it or not. We don't have very many events of the strictly bring-someone-with-you variety over here. Our first real date (and so far, the only one, depending on how you define it - I'll get to that later) happened over winter break, when we went to a movie. By which I mean I headed in one direction from my house, she went the other way from hers, and we met there. It went okay for a movie, until the point where I realized that the show had gone on really long and I didn't have enough cash to get my car out of the parking lot. So I had to borrow some from her. I paid it back the next time I saw her, but it was still really awkward. (Moral of the story: Logistics are my enemy.)

 

After winter break, it was back to the grindstone with nothing in particular that I could think of to do until Valentine's Day, at which point I pulled the all-out (at least from the perspective of a college student) combination of flowers, chocolates, and a handmade card. Her reaction was one of surprise, but I couldn't tell anything else from it. She thanked me, of course, but the way she said it implied more of "wow, you really put a lot into this" than "oh, how sweet." Her best friend, whom I was unable to shoo out of the room without spoiling the surprise, said something to the effect of "So, Emma, it looks like you've got yourself a suitor!" in a rather amused tone of voice. And that's it. Nothing was said about any of this after that.

 

Meanwhile, I've been emphasizing the common interests factor by joining a lot of the same clubs and activities that she is in. These being common interests, they have all become things I now do because I like doing them, but in any case it's given me more chances to see her.

 

For her birthday, I gave her a book of Medieval madrigals and other vocal music. Common interests again, since we both sing in the college chorus and like Medieval stuff. This time she actually hugged me, so she must have appreciated this one more.

 

We jump ahead to summer. Summer was not a good thing, because I didn't see her at all the whole time. During the first two weeks that we were back home (you've probably figured out by now that we also happen to live fairly close to each other when we're at home) she was busy with driver's ed classes, and I was busy trying to find a job. After the two weeks, she headed back to our college to take a summer course in Japanese. We talked a few times over AIM, but since neither of us spent a lot of time sitting at our computers with AIM on, it was a rare occasion when we were both actually there. She would end up coming back home for the last two weeks of summer break, but I was off on a family vacation at that same time.

 

So anyway, we're back at school this fall. Some of the clubs are starting to pick up a bit, particularly the one that's doing cool things like making Medieval garb and going to dances. There's a new activity - a small band that was organized by one of the incoming freshmen.

 

And then there was her half-birthday. A few weeks before it, she told me that she'd like to have cake on that day. She's Jewish and her real birthday always happens during Passover, so she can never have real cake then. Sensing another opportunity, I quickly made some preparations, and on the day itself, I baked a cake for her. From scratch. And I had never made a cake before, either. The cake turned out fairly well I presented it to her and... Well, she appreciated getting cake and she thought that the cake itself was pretty good. And that's it. If she understood the significance of receiving the first cake I've ever made, she didn't show it.

 

Now here's the stumper: I've asked other people what to do in this kind of situation before, and one of the common answers is just to come out and tell her how I feel. That's easy for them to say, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I have asked myself whether I love her, and my honest answer is that I don't know. Meanwhile, she's been giving me some rather mixed messages here; her reaction on my last few grand gestures weren't nearly what I had hoped for, but neither has she said something like "I know what this means to you and I'm sorry but..." She doesn't seem like the sort who would consciously string me along like this, but neither am I sure that I'm getting through to her.

 

So I guess my question is, how do I get the ball rolling on this one? I'm sick of this awkward phase where I don't know whether she likes me or not, but sitting her down and saying "I like you a lot, I want to be more than friends, what say you" doesn't seem like exactly the right way to go about this. What should I do?

[aJoy]

Why doesn't " I like you a lot, I want to be more than friends with you, what say you?" seem like the right thing to say? I don't know about all girls, but I personally appreciate straight forwardness... And if you're not sure you love her or not, this is the perfect time to pursue a relationship... have you gotten intimate at all? Kissing etc... forgive me for asking, just curious. But yeah, you seem like a great guy, and I tell ya, any guy who bakes me a cake and gives me a hand-made card is more than likely gonna atleast get a chance! You have the same interests, you hang out... maybe she's just shy, or maybe she's involved with someone else and doesn't know what to do.. either way, you'll never know until you ask her flat out and even if she says no, it's not like you asked her to marry you, you can still be friends and you can continue to admire her from a distance (so long as it doesn't cause you an emotional pain). I'm assuming you have another 2 years together in college, eh, who knows what'll happen...

 

But definitely ask her!!! Maybe, ask her out on an actual date, take her some flowers, take her to dinner... if you're tight on money (college, completely understand that) then go smaller, maybe say.. a picnic.. either way, be alone together, and just spit it out. Tell her how you feel... that you're just 'smitten' with her and would like to get to know her on a more personal level and see where it goes.

 

Good luck, though I'm sure you don't need it!!! :)

 

My guess is that she's waiting for you to come right out and 'ask her out', like, to be b/f and g/f.

[Artscrafter]

have you gotten intimate at all? Kissing etc... forgive me for asking, just curious.

Well, I don't mind you asking, but if it had gotten to that point, I wouldn't be feeling all awkward and hesitant about making an attempt at >friends status, now would I?

 

Seriously though, I do like the idea of finding something to do as a date and bringing it out then. I think my main worry with the direct route is that it would catch her by surprise, and she might be in a totally different mindset before then. She gets preoccupied easily, and from past experience she doesn't handle these surprises as smoothly as I'd like. So that helps. Thanks.

 

This brings up the problem of logistics again though. I like the picnic idea, since I'm one of those rare guys who actually likes to cook (but I'm sure you figured that out by now) but the flaw in that plan is the fact that it's Wisconsin at the end of October. Being outside for an extended period of time in this climate isn't as romantic as the idea in general might have been. I'll have to look into restaurants a bit more, but there aren't all that many within walking distance that look any good. Our combined range is extended this year since she has a car, but I always thought (and correct me if I'm wrong) that it's rather tacky to ask someone out and then expect them to provide all the transportation. You start to see why this hasn't happened sooner. But yeah, I ought to look into some of the local places a bit more.

[blue17]

I think you've layed out your cards on the table at this point. What special things has she done for you? You've mentioned all the great gifts you have presented to her, but has she done anything close to the same for you? You never want to do all these wonderful things if she isn't returning the favour, it just shows that you're desperate to win her over.

 

What I suggest you do is break contact with her for a while. Make yourself 'busy' for a little while (even if you aren't). I'll be honest and say with all of the nice gifts you have given her, she prolly thinks she has you around her finger. It is your job now to show her that you just aren't there begging to be picked up.....

 

Making yourself busy will show her that you have other priorities in life besides her. She'll want to know what your up to....why you aren't paying full attention to her. This will give you an element of mystery, and she should be intrigued and jealous as to why she is not the #1 priority. This will increase her attraction for you.

 

One of 2 things will happen....1) she'll wonder where you have been....be intrigued etc. (good) or 2) she won't bother asking, in which case you know she wasn't interested to begin with.

 

Good luck.

[aJoy]

My advice is the opposite... As I already stated, I think she's just waiting to hear something from you... (could be wrong) but definitely worth a shot putting it out there and letting her know just how you feel.

 

How's this idea... a picnic in your dorm room? Make it kinda romantic but not too "fluffy" so as to keep it light and friendly just in the case it doesn't turn out the way we'd like... (I'm rootin 4 ya man!!) That eliminates the problem of having to drive and that saves you a hell of a lot of money. How bout that?

 

Good luck either way!.

[Artscrafter]

So yeah, more than a month later, I finally worked up the courage to do this. It ended up being in the form of a card (recall that she's Jewish, and today is the first day of Chanukah) in which I had written that I really liked her but couldn't tell how things were the other way around. After she read it, she led me out of the room (since her roommate just had to be in there) and let it fall.

 

From what she said, it quickly became apparent that I'd been doing this all wrong from the start. The classic lines "You're a great guy" and "It's not you" were dropped, but the bottom line is that she doesn't do well with the prospect of being chased after. Apparently the reason for her bewildered reaction to the Valentine's Day stuff was because it scared her or something. Apparently she'd been waiting for the opportunity to say all this to me - the last thing she said was, "at least one of us finally had the guts to bring this up."

 

In any case, at least this was about as amicable a parting as one could hope for, and I'm sure we'll remain friends at least. The strange thing is that a large part of me feels oddly relieved...