I fell off the bandwagon

[hippetyhop]

I had to email xMM. It is personal to me if I didn't. I'll explain quickly why--a few years ago when I lost my mom unexpectedly, I emailed my ex boyfriend whom I was with for 3 or so years. He lived about 2 hours from me--but we made it work. I ended it with him 3 months before she passed away. I emailed him and let him know. I never heard back. To this day, I am still hurt.

 

These are the threads after I initiated NC:

From xMM

"I am sorry to bother you, in your email you said if my situation changes. What do you mean by that. If you don't reply I understand and and will not bother you again."

 

From me:

What I meant by “down the road if your circumstances change….” is I would revisit what we had if your marriage is ever over.

You made it clear to me going into what we did you wouldn’t leave your little ladies. I knew that. I accept that.

However, as our relationship grew, my feelings for you did as well (as I’m assuming yours did too). But, knowing that it wouldn’t go any further from what we had, I couldn’t keep myself going. You showed me what I am missing out on being with someone, making someone laugh, and being intimate with that person. You told me never to just settle. That is what I was doing knowing we wouldn’t be more. I deserve not to be second to someone else.

 

 

 

His response:

Thanks for that. In glad I made such a positive impression on you. And thank you for the clarification. To be honest I'm glad you made the decision for yourself, although I am sad that I never really got to say good bye. Also to tell you that I miss our taking and texting, it was never all about physical, and even though it was great, I miss my friend more then anything. Being your friend has always been the most important thing to me. And good friends are hard to come by.

In all honesty I don't know where my marriage is going, its been rough lately.but I do know that I can be mature and separate out the physical part of us and just be your friend. If that's something you can do that's great. If not then that's ok to. But n all honesty, I value your opinion and your honesty and your kindness.

I do hope things are well for you, and there is no need to cut your self off. if you are ok with that I know I am.

I hope to hear from you soon.

 

 

Thoughts?!

 

 

 

I just can't do it--friendship or not.

[bentleychic]

Thoughts are that he's trying to get his hooks back in again under the guise of friendship.

 

I, personally, wouldn't be strong enough to stop the relationship and still be friends. He has too much of a hold on me.

[LilGirlandOW]

Well just look at it as closure.

 

Its nice what he said, affirms he cared deeply about you, but you want more of him and not just his love you need his undivided partnership. Stick to your guns!

 

But it is nice to know it wasnt just a sex thing for your peace of mind, feels like nice closure to me, I;d take it as that

 

Goodluck~!

[Lady2163]

I can totally understand. I've always thought the silent treatment was overly cruel and cowardly. Years ago, when I was in college for the first time I had a friend who was seeing a married man. He did not like me because I smoked, drank, was a different sect of Christian than he was...oh and I took my friend to venues where there were single men.

 

He helped her write a poison pen letter to me, saying that she could not longer tolerate my behavior. (the irony was I wasn't seeing a married man at the time). She left it on the desk in my bedroom where my mom put all my mail. When I got home and went to read my mail there was a letter addressed to 'Miss Jones' and signed 'Miss Smith'. It was very dramatic and formal. I was never to contact her again.

 

I promptly picked up the phone and called. When she asked if I'd read my mail, I told her I just walked in. She couldn't tell me live, so I pretended to read the letter while on the phone.

 

Okay, my bad, I digressed big time. My apologies, I get where you're coming from with the whole no response thing.

 

I do think he is trying to appeal to your sense of fair play and see you again to say, "goodbye". DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. And he is trying to use friendship as a hook.

 

Be strong, do your best. Keep the mantra that your life will be better without him.

[hippetyhop]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I see where everyone is coming from and it is tough as I miss him as a friend as well.

 

However, I did tell him I can't be friends without it being physical. That is the way I am (not with every guy friend)! I can't separate those emotions. I feel as if my position would be more or less like a buffer to keep him and his wife from addressing their problems.

 

I just don't know!

[LilGirlandOW]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I see where everyone is coming from and it is tough as I miss him as a friend as well.

 

However, I did tell him I can't be friends without it being physical. That is the way I am (not with every guy friend)! I can't separate those emotions. I feel as if my position would be more or less like a buffer to keep him and his wife from addressing their problems.

 

I just don't know!

 

I would find that hard too, very understandable. And good for you@!

[Cocochai]

Ok, NC is extremely hard especially when there's an emotionl connection as well. IF you two are able to keep a friendship only.. Then why not? Your only going to miss him from cutting him off stone Cold and its natural...

 

In my case, I've decided to stop contacting my xMM as he has shown he can't be friend without flirting or cant handle talking daily like we use to. I miss those friendship days but I know he's told me he has a problem being around me in person (acting nervous like he can't control his urges). I still want the friendship but its more physical on his side now.

 

If you think you can handle being friends try it. If you fall back then you'll know ur next step.

[GreySkyMorning]

No no no, don't do it. Leave it where it is now, take this for closure and shut the door. I didnt take my own advice and its been the worse thing I've ever done.

 

I can't be his friend. I don't want to hear about all the good things going on with them and trust me, you don't either. He turns to me when he's having a bad day and to her on his good days. He's managed to keep all the emotional support and ego stroking he wasn't getting at home, but now he can say that we're "just friends" and I have to accept that. They don't even have to deal with any of the hard times between them because I'm there to take up that slack and send him home happy to her. And on top of it, we've still ended back in bed twice since dday.

 

All his offer of friendship is a way for him to still get what he needs from you without making any sacrifices at all. And after all, if you're still willing to be his friend, then he must not have hurt you much, right? At least, I think thats what mine thinks.

[zevahc]

I don't think he's trying to get his hooks back in...he's being genuine I think in that yes, he misses your friendship. That doesn't mean it's a good idea. I miss my xMW's friendship...i feel the same way you do though...I want more.

 

There are a lot of things to think about. First, I think it's not fair to anyone...you, him or his BS. It really doesn't work well...even though you had a great friendship..., there is more to it..., I posted something similar few days ago...but after reading responses, I realize it really doesn't make any sense. I think if you take a step back you'll realize you guys are either completely together...or there is nothing that can be done and you go your separate ways.

 

Believe me....i think all this sucks!

[psm04]

His words remind me of my xOMM, who I'm now just friends with as of a couple of weeks ago. All I know is that you have to take it one day at a time. Right now, being friends is manageable for me, with the occasional insecurity/jealousy. We both still have the feelings, but we're not acting on them. Loving words are still being spoken, but that has to slowly be curbed as well to make it into a true friendship. If all of this gets to be too much, then I'll be backing off.

 

If you are strong enough to keep the PA out of it, then kudos to you. I wasn't able to in the past, but I'm motivated more this time, even though the temptation is always there.

[happy stillmore]

I think it was a touching letter. It would make me feel better to know he invested some emotions in the relationship too. It wasn't only physical. I personally know I can't be friends with my xML. It would just be too hard. It does sound like he is throwing you some hope with the "I don't know where my marriage is going" but. Do what is best for you. Be strong.

[BrokenPrincess]

God this sounds just like something my xMM would write. It's nice, he's sincere, but the reality of "friendship" is not going to be satisfying. You will be wishing for more--when's the next call? You'll be hurt because you're not getting the attention you used to. Or he shares something that makes you laugh, then suddenly you're triggered back to happy you were in his arms and hurt again that he didn't think your connection was special enough to leave his W.See what I'm saying?

 

And then during all that, he still can be happy that he has awesome Hippety still in his life as a happy escape from the rough spots in his M.

 

Accept this as your closure, and go back to NC so you can start to heal. (((Hugs)))

[veryhappy]

Thanks for that. In glad I made such a positive impression on you.

Thanks for tickling my ego. I was afraid you thought I was a piece of something.

 

And thank you for the clarification. To be honest I'm glad you made the decision for yourself, although I am sad that I never really got to say good bye.

As if I didn't know what you meant. I don't really understand why you're so upside down and dramatic about it. We could have had goodbye sex.

 

Also to tell you that I miss our taking and texting, it was never all about physical, and even though it was great, I miss my friend more then anything. Being your friend has always been the most important thing to me. And good friends are hard to come by.

Let me try the new sensational approach of being friends to keep you around. You were quite useful. Listening to me and my crap, being supportive and understanding. Maybe I can keep that going, if you don't want to be physical anymore.

 

In all honesty I don't know where my marriage is going, its been rough lately.

I can't really focus on you being upset, because see I'm too preocupied with my life. My wife is not offering yet to meet my needs.

 

but I do know that I can be mature and separate out the physical part of us and just be your friend. If that's something you can do that's great. If not then that's ok to. But n all honesty, I value your opinion and your honesty and your kindness.

I do hope things are well for you, and there is no need to cut your self off.

I'd like to keep you around even if that means less physical stuff. As I said, my wife isn't quite jumping through the hoops yet, so I'd like your interest as a backup. She doesn't adore me like you. Then again, if you can't be friends, I can live without you. It would be nice though to benefit from your presence as long as I can...you know until she improves enough.

 

if you are ok with that I know I am.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Hope we can establish a new status quo that works for me soon. Under my terms and for my benefit.

 

Oh yes...let's count the time he struggled and wondered about your pain. Zero! He only wished you were well, so he can absolve himself of any blame and minimize your experience. It's all about him. Him saying goodbye, him getting support from you, him, him, him!

[hippetyhop]

You guys and gals are great. Everything everyone said has crossed my mind, and honestly, I think he is very genuine with this response and wanting to be friends. I think him missing me are real feelings. Through our talks and conversations, I likely gave him everything his wife didn't. I would let him vent for 20 minutes straight about work and not get a word in, I would compliment him on his looks, how great his projects at home are coming along, etc. However, this would just turn into an EA. It is too much right now.

 

As for keeping the physical portion out, I wouldn't be able to. I know wouldn't be able to move on for me knowing I'm still connected to him. Like GreySkyMorning and PSM said--I don't want to hear what they are doing as the jealousy sets in. I'm still at that point right now where it affects me.

 

All the what ifs--like Broken Princess-what happens if we are "just friends"? I miss hearing from him all the time. Just sporadically wouldn't be satisfying to me.

 

Cute Dragon- it is like you read my mind with your analysis of his email. I feel very strongly how you do, especially with the part of his marriage. He still wants me to fill that void.

 

I think I get too harsh on myself wanting to be friends with him and thinking "what if I don't"..I will lose a lot. But in life, we win some and we lose some. It sucks when it boils down to this.

 

I can't be friends with him right now, and I let him know this in my first email. Down the road perhaps, but right now the wound is still fresh. Being friends with him will just pour salt in the wound. Perhaps I can play his games and say "I'll be friends--but I need my space. I'll contact you on my terms."

[hippetyhop]

I'm still up in the air as to how to react to this. The position I can take ranges everywhere from closure or try a friendship. Right now, the friendship aspect is out the window, although I'm not opposed to it down the road.

 

Any suggestions as to tell him I need my space right now, or is it a bad idea? I'm such an emotional wreck right now!

[BruisedBNBroken]

Oh hippetyhop I feel so had you're hurting again and I hate hate hate your xMM for breaking NC. You were doing so well and I know you can get that to that place.

My advise is to NOT RESPOND. There is no way to have a friendship with him. That is even worse than LC and even you said that LC was awful. I know how hard it is to not respond but I think his letter should be closure for you. And reread everything written in the previous post that outlines why he wrote what he wrote. He wants you around for ego stroking and emotional support and that's just not fair.

Delete the email, go NC again, and get back to the healing you were doing before he selfishly ruined it for you. HUGS!!!

[Cocochai]

MM and MW can have feelings for people other then their BS... It's just that, at the end if the day they still can have their cake and eat it to. Even through bad times, they'll still have to get through them or else they would have been divorced.

 

I'm not sure how long you two had the A but just know as long as you keep responding he won't go anywhere. Just know that whether or not you'll be friends or whatever, it will be a dead end street if it turns physical again.

[hippetyhop]

Thank you ladies.

 

Bruised-- He is yearning for the emotional support. I don't think he's getting that from his wife. I told him in my initial to him to work on his marriage. I see how well that is possibly going.

 

Cocochai-- that is how I feel. He'd D if it was really that bad. But, people stay in bad marriages no matter what the circumstances are.

 

It is a tough place. I can see being friends with him down the road once my emotional state is close to being obsolete. It will never be obsolete as I will always care for him. I'd rather have him in my life at one point than not at all. But that would take time.

 

I wouldn't even go LC. I'd tell him I need space to get through this. I'm eminent about that. I'm friends with one of my ex boyfriends (whom I've been getting advice from on this topic), but it took me about 8 months to really start talking to him again after our breakup.

 

As for the A, it went on 9 months. We got very close in a short period of time.