Contemplating Divorce... Crush on another man.

[Pisceslady08]

We're a young couple, been married since 2009, but have known eachother since 2007. We were both each others first love . We had a long distance relationship for some time because I moved away, which I think made us even more persistent in being together (even though my parents strongly opposed because we were really young at the time). Anyways, we have had some pretty serious fights. He cheated on me while married ( I was out of the country for a year again) but I forgave him - he never actually admitted it so I just pretended it didn't happen. I have had a few reasons to end the relationship (violent fights) but I always thought about how much work and time we put into being together again that I was afraid to throw it all out in the garbage. Anyways, these past months have been kind of blah- we don't fight over serious things but he gets annoyed for the smallest things, we hardly have sex ( we're in our early 20s) maybe once a month at most. He never initiates it, only I do. We don't share the same interests. All he wants to do is play Xbox all day. I feel I have no life.... don't get me wrong- he's a sweet guy most of the time.. there are several reasons why we lasted this long but I feel I am slowly falling out of love with him (I also don't find him attractive anymore)....

so... I recently met someone who I have been crushing on day and night. I also think he's interested, but he knows I'm married and I can't picture myself sleeping around with this guy while married. But this sudden interest has gave me a little more confidence in rethinking my marriage. The problem is I don't know how to approach him, I'm afraid to hurt my husbands feelings. I care about him but I don't think I love him anymore- but I'm afraid once I let him go, I'll regret my decision. Any advice?

[Celeste3773]

It doesn't sound like your marriage is ideal....if you think he is not the one for you you are better off not wasting years of your 20's trying to figure it out. I also really don't like the violent fights. If he has ever hurt you that's where you need to draw the line.

 

That being said I won't pretend it isn't hard to get out. Everyone always likes to say these days " you can always get a divorce" like its no big deal. If you decide to leave him strengthen yourself for the challenge.

[Keenly]

I'm getting the impression that you are only giving us half the story.

[Moper]

No marriage is ideal although I have to say too that the reference to "violence" is a concern. As I read it, the violence was both ways which led me to believe that it wasn't physical violence. I don't think verbal violence is good either as it could lead to physical violence. However I am not sure that verbal violence like this is as immediate, with a major emphasis on "not sure."

 

No one tells the whole story even if they want to. Nothing is ever as it seems to be in our narratives. Understanding that is, I think, a key to clarity. I am into Taoist philosophy these days: know that you don't understand, and then you understand? Give up everything, and then you have it all?

 

With that in mind I think you need to take yourself beyond the level of both your marriage and your crush and up to the level of you, yourself. This is very difficult to do, I think. I am wrestling with this myself. I am finding, again in a Taoist way (and I highly recommend Lao Tzu, just Google Tao Te Ching) that hope is toxic. You need to give up hope and you need to find your independence in order to have your relationship. And this is a constant battle.

 

Enlightenment actually means very little. One day you are enlightened. Nothing changes as a result and the next day you are very likely to no longer be enlightened. I learned that from my Bagua Sifu years ago but am only truly understanding it at this moment, while I am depressed.

 

No one makes you feel anything. You make yourself stay in this marriage. You make yourself have a crush on this other person. Any thought to the contrary is enmeshment. As I learned from the late John Bradshaw, again many years ago, I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you. I am relearning this and I'm sure I will unlearn it.

 

The crush is candy. It pains me to say that but it is and you need to understand that. Whatever issues you have in your marriage, you will bring them to your next relationship. The grass is never greener and wherever you go, there you are. When the candy is done, then what?

 

As I said I am dealing with this right now. I didn't expect I would go through this but then nothing is ever as it seems to be in our narratives. In my case I am not what I seemed to be in my own narrative and I suspect you're no different. Find yourself and you will find your answer to your marriage. As for whether or not you will repeat your issues, one way or another, I am less sanguine.

 

Perhaps someone else has more wisdom than my current narrative?

[Pisceslady08]

It doesn't sound like your marriage is ideal....if you think he is not the one for you you are better off not wasting years of your 20's trying to figure it out. I also really don't like the violent fights. If he has ever hurt you that's where you need to draw the line.

 

That being said I won't pretend it isn't hard to get out. Everyone always likes to say these days " you can always get a divorce" like its no big deal. If you decide to leave him strengthen yourself for the challenge.

 

 

Thanks, I totally understand what you mean. It isn't easy, the hardest part is not deciding whether its the best decision or not, it is letting your partner know you no longer feel the same. I think about every single way to break it to him, but I have not found the courage to take action yet.

[Pisceslady08]

No marriage is ideal although I have to say too that the reference to "violence" is a concern. As I read it, the violence was both ways which led me to believe that it wasn't physical violence. I don't think verbal violence is good either as it could lead to physical violence. However I am not sure that verbal violence like this is as immediate, with a major emphasis on "not sure."

 

No one tells the whole story even if they want to. Nothing is ever as it seems to be in our narratives. Understanding that is, I think, a key to clarity. I am into Taoist philosophy these days: know that you don't understand, and then you understand? Give up everything, and then you have it all?

 

With that in mind I think you need to take yourself beyond the level of both your marriage and your crush and up to the level of you, yourself. This is very difficult to do, I think. I am wrestling with this myself. I am finding, again in a Taoist way (and I highly recommend Lao Tzu, just Google Tao Te Ching) that hope is toxic. You need to give up hope and you need to find your independence in order to have your relationship. And this is a constant battle.

 

Enlightenment actually means very little. One day you are enlightened. Nothing changes as a result and the next day you are very likely to no longer be enlightened. I learned that from my Bagua Sifu years ago but am only truly understanding it at this moment, while I am depressed.

 

No one makes you feel anything. You make yourself stay in this marriage. You make yourself have a crush on this other person. Any thought to the contrary is enmeshment. As I learned from the late John Bradshaw, again many years ago, I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you. I am relearning this and I'm sure I will unlearn it.

 

The crush is candy. It pains me to say that but it is and you need to understand that. Whatever issues you have in your marriage, you will bring them to your next relationship. The grass is never greener and wherever you go, there you are. When the candy is done, then what?

 

As I said I am dealing with this right now. I didn't expect I would go through this but then nothing is ever as it seems to be in our narratives. In my case I am not what I seemed to be in my own narrative and I suspect you're no different. Find yourself and you will find your answer to your marriage. As for whether or not you will repeat your issues, one way or another, I am less sanguine.

 

Perhaps someone else has more wisdom than my current narrative?

 

 

 

 

Thanks so much for your detailed msg. I understand when you mean, I have to find myself, and I must make myself happy- no one else is responsible. The crush I mentioned is pretty much what woke me up and pushed me to reconsider things in my marriage. Again, I have no intentions of cheating, we have stopped talking and I think things are better this way- for now. But talking to this guy made me realize how long ago I haven't laughed or smiled that way with my husband. I maybe didn't put so much thought into it because I have a busy schedule... but I realized that its been way too long since I actually felt happy about coming home to him. It might not even be him... like I mentioned before, we had some rough times but nothing too out of control.. I have also been responsible for many fights - including the violent ones , so Im not trying to play victim in this situation. I just think its me - Im tired of the routine, I want freedom, I want to travel I want to meet people.. Im so young and I feel I cant do things that other people my age do.

 

Have you felt like this? Is it normal to be bored of your marriage?

[Moper]

Thanks so much for your detailed msg. I understand when you mean, I have to find myself, and I must make myself happy- no one else is responsible. The crush I mentioned is pretty much what woke me up and pushed me to reconsider things in my marriage. Again, I have no intentions of cheating, we have stopped talking and I think things are better this way- for now. But talking to this guy made me realize how long ago I haven't laughed or smiled that way with my husband. I maybe didn't put so much thought into it because I have a busy schedule... but I realized that its been way too long since I actually felt happy about coming home to him. It might not even be him... like I mentioned before, we had some rough times but nothing too out of control.. I have also been responsible for many fights - including the violent ones , so Im not trying to play victim in this situation. I just think its me - Im tired of the routine, I want freedom, I want to travel I want to meet people.. Im so young and I feel I cant do things that other people my age do.

 

Have you felt like this? Is it normal to be bored of your marriage?

 

I don't know what "normal" is. I felt something similar to what you describe. Marriage takes hard work by both spouses and without that work then, yes, I think you get "bored" or some variant of that. The infatuation invariably ends. Invariably. Realities and banalities of real life wear you down. It's very difficult but you need to understand that true love is something beyond the infatuation. If you chase the infatuation you will, I think, end up exactly where you are right now. Don't chase the infatuation. Look for something deeper and more meaningful.

[darkmoon]

this crush, it is fantasy, you would have to date him to know him, you are hoping that he will be the right guy, good luck with that

[CarrieT]

Have you felt like this? Is it normal to be bored of your marriage?

 

It is normal to have plateaus throughout your life. For some, that might manifest itself as "boredom" because you tire of routine.

 

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to maintain a life of constant excitement, travel, adventure, etc. I was with a guy who tried and we had a 2 1/2 year adventure that almost killed him because he worked so hard to stave off "boredom."

 

If you don't want stagnancy in your marriage, you need to talk to your partner about changes you can make in your relationship to reignite adventure in lives.

[oldshirt]

We're a young couple, been married since 2009, but have known eachother since 2007. We were both each others first love . We had a long distance relationship for some time because I moved away, which I think made us even more persistent in being together (even though my parents strongly opposed because we were really young at the time). Anyways, we have had some pretty serious fights. He cheated on me while married ( I was out of the country for a year again) but I forgave him - he never actually admitted it so I just pretended it didn't happen. I have had a few reasons to end the relationship (violent fights) but I always thought about how much work and time we put into being together again that I was afraid to throw it all out in the garbage. Anyways, these past months have been kind of blah- we don't fight over serious things but he gets annoyed for the smallest things, we hardly have sex ( we're in our early 20s) maybe once a month at most. He never initiates it, only I do. We don't share the same interests. All he wants to do is play Xbox all day. I feel I have no life.... don't get me wrong- he's a sweet guy most of the time.. there are several reasons why we lasted this long but I feel I am slowly falling out of love with him (I also don't find him attractive anymore)....

so... I recently met someone who I have been crushing on day and night. I also think he's interested, but he knows I'm married and I can't picture myself sleeping around with this guy while married. But this sudden interest has gave me a little more confidence in rethinking my marriage. The problem is I don't know how to approach him, I'm afraid to hurt my husbands feelings. I care about him but I don't think I love him anymore- but I'm afraid once I let him go, I'll regret my decision. Any advice?

 

- you were teenagers having a LDR and didn't really get to know the "real" person very well.

 

-you continued the R and got married against the advice of your parents.

 

-You've had periods of separation where he cheated.

 

- You've had violent fights (physical??)

 

- You have essentially a sexless marriage now at an age when people are dripping with hormones and you are the one that pushes that along (and if it's once a month, that is probably what is called "ovulation sex" where your body is simply making you want to get some sperm in you)

 

- You admittedly have no common interests.

 

- He doesn't do anything constructive but sits around playing Xbox.

 

- you are losing more and more attraction for him as time goes on.

 

- other men are starting to catch your eye and you would have rode this other guy like a big white horse if not for the single fact of being married.

 

Add all this up and it isn't looking good for the home team:(

 

cheating and abuse are both valid reasons for throwing in the towel. Our hearts make mistakes when we are young. Your husband may be a decent guy but that doesn't mean he is the right guy for you nor you the right girl for him.

 

At your age and life stage and with no children, divorce really wouldn't be that bad and you would both survive it real well. You should not take it lightly but it is not something to fear either.

 

You are in your 20s so you still have a good number of years of "pretty" left and you will have guys flocking all over you once they find out you are on the market.

 

There is a part of you that feels like this is your one chance at love and if you blow it you are doomed to a life of isolation, loneliness and despair. That is completely FALSE!! There will be nothing from stopping you from hitting the 'reset' button and getting out and living life to it's fullest post divorce.

 

My advice is see a lawyer and get the facts on how a divorce is accomplished and how much it will cost and what your finances and such will look like post divorce.

 

Work with your lawyer to draw up a divorce settlement that is reasonable and that you can live with but don't file yet.

 

Then find a competent maritial counselor and make an appointment.

 

Then present your husband with a couple options. Get him out of the house and in a public place where he can't become violent or threaten you and where you won't be distracted (ie get him to go out to supper in a sit-down type restaurant ) Get his attention, look him in the eye and in a low, calm, deep voice tell him that you are unhappy in the marriage and that the current state of affairs is not working for you and that you have seen a lawyer and have drawn up the divorce papers but have not filed them yet.

 

Tell him that you want to give your marriage one last good-faith attempt to work and tell him that you have made an appointment for you to start counseling.

 

Tell him his options are to enter into counseling and work at making the marriage better for both of you....or file for the divorce and go on about your way.

 

No yelling, no fighting, no threats, no bargaining, no baggage or dirty laundry at this stage. Save that for the counseling if he chooses that.

 

If he chooses the counseling, go into the counseling in good faith and lay it all out there and see where it goes.

 

If he refuses counseling, or blows a gasket and refuses to address the issues, then you know where you stand and can file at that point.

[oldshirt]

. I have had a few reasons to end the relationship (violent fights) but I always thought about how much work and time we put into being together again that I was afraid to throw it all out in the garbage.

 

This is called, "sunken cost fallacy." You can google it or look It up on Wikipedia or something.

 

In a nutshell it is continuing to sink resources into something that is clearly failing because you have already sunk a lot of resources into it.

 

The fallacy is in thinking that by continuing to put time and energy and money into something that is failing, it will some how turn around and your will recover what you have already put into it.

 

Unfortunately sinking ships usually just continue to sink and the more time and effort you put into is just more time and energy lost.

 

It's fair to make one last ditch effort to inform your husband how unhappy you are and inform him of what is at stake and what you each stand to lose. And it is fair to tell him in explicit detail of what you need to stay in the marriage and have it be a healthy and functional marriage for you.

 

If he then completely turns himself around and becomes a new man, so be it.

 

But if he continues to dedicate his life to Xbox and doesn't give you the love's and cheats and is violent, don't sink anymore of your resources into this marriage. If he doesn't transform, it's time to cut your losses.

 

Make one last good faith attempt to make your marriage work because that is the right thing to do...

 

.... But DON'T keep trying to live with despair because you've already lived with this much despair up until this point. Don't keep putting time, energy and money into a sinking ship.

[oldshirt]

 

Long story short, I had to drag it out of my wife of 25 years (3 teen kids) that she never loved me

 

 

 

Going off topic here Nervis but I really believe in time you were realize this is not really true.

 

People have a very strong tendency to rewrite history in order to make themselves feel better and to justify themselves.

 

Now your M may have turned to crap at some point, but usually when people say they never loved their spouse after many years of marriage, they are just rewriting their history to try to justify how they are feeling today and to justify the actions they are taking today.

 

Sure maybe she should've stepped up to the plate and addressed her issues sooner but to say she NEVER loved you in 25 year is pure dribble and BS. She's just trying to cover her tracks for her feelings and actions today.

[Moper]

Do him a favor and leave him. It will crush him today, but he will eventually be with someone who desires him.

 

Long story short, I had to drag it out of my wife of 25 years (3 teen kids) that she never loved me. That destroyed my life. I'm 50+, too late to start again. It has been DECADES since someone has kissed me that longed for my kisses, and I'm sure it will never happen again. I hate her for that. If she left me 20 years ago, I would have been destroyed. But I might be happy now. As it is, I just want to keep breathing so I can eventually...not.

 

I don't care abuot you. You made your bed. Leave him for HIM. And when your new lover boy gets tired of you and dumps you, PLEASE leave your ex husband alone to live his life.

 

Hmmm. Seems to me your impediment may be something other than age?

[whichwayisup]

Don't end your marriage for some crush you barely know.

 

If your marriage is going to end let it be because you'd rather be alone than be married to your husband. You can't let fear of being alone keep you from ending your marriage.

 

Talk to your H and tell him how you feel. Be honest. It'll either bring you two closer or it'll speed up the process and your marriage will end. Whatever you do, do NOT cheat on him.

[Pisceslady08]

- you were teenagers having a LDR and didn't really get to know the "real" person very well.

 

-you continued the R and got married against the advice of your parents.

 

-You've had periods of separation where he cheated.

 

- You've had violent fights (physical??)

 

- You have essentially a sexless marriage now at an age when people are dripping with hormones and you are the one that pushes that along (and if it's once a month, that is probably what is called "ovulation sex" where your body is simply making you want to get some sperm in you)

 

- You admittedly have no common interests.

 

- He doesn't do anything constructive but sits around playing Xbox.

 

- you are losing more and more attraction for him as time goes on.

 

- other men are starting to catch your eye and you would have rode this other guy like a big white horse if not for the single fact of being married.

 

Add all this up and it isn't looking good for the home team

 

cheating and abuse are both valid reasons for throwing in the towel. Our hearts make mistakes when we are young. Your husband may be a decent guy but that doesn't mean he is the right guy for you nor you the right girl for him.

 

At your age and life stage and with no children, divorce really wouldn't be that bad and you would both survive it real well. You should not take it lightly but it is not something to fear either.

 

You are in your 20s so you still have a good number of years of "pretty" left and you will have guys flocking all over you once they find out you are on the market.

 

There is a part of you that feels like this is your one chance at love and if you blow it you are doomed to a life of isolation, loneliness and despair. That is completely FALSE!! There will be nothing from stopping you from hitting the 'reset' button and getting out and living life to it's fullest post divorce.

 

My advice is see a lawyer and get the facts on how a divorce is accomplished and how much it will cost and what your finances and such will look like post divorce.

 

Work with your lawyer to draw up a divorce settlement that is reasonable and that you can live with but don't file yet.

 

Then find a competent maritial counselor and make an appointment.

 

Then present your husband with a couple options. Get him out of the house and in a public place where he can't become violent or threaten you and where you won't be distracted (ie get him to go out to supper in a sit-down type restaurant ) Get his attention, look him in the eye and in a low, calm, deep voice tell him that you are unhappy in the marriage and that the current state of affairs is not working for you and that you have seen a lawyer and have drawn up the divorce papers but have not filed them yet.

 

Tell him that you want to give your marriage one last good-faith attempt to work and tell him that you have made an appointment for you to start counseling.

 

Tell him his options are to enter into counseling and work at making the marriage better for both of you....or file for the divorce and go on about your way.

 

No yelling, no fighting, no threats, no bargaining, no baggage or dirty laundry at this stage. Save that for the counseling if he chooses that.

 

If he chooses the counseling, go into the counseling in good faith and lay it all out there and see where it goes.

 

If he refuses counseling, or blows a gasket and refuses to address the issues, then you know where you stand and can file at that point.

 

 

 

 

 

This is the type of answer I was looking for. I mentioned the other guy because I wanted to share how even cheating has crossed my mind... and I have always been against it- this is why I believe something is wrong. I have stopped talking to him, as the temptation is there but I don't want to hurt anyone, specially not my husband even if I don't feel the same way anymore.

 

Getting back to my feelings. I feel as I no longer want to share my relationship status ... with anyone ! even girlfriends - I am embarrassed to say I am married at such a young age. I feel as though I should be enjoying life like many of my friends- not necessarily partying, but having the freedom to do whatever I like .... I miss my parents, going out with girlfriends whenever I wanted, not worrying about paying all these bills... the list goes on forever. I feel bad, as of this moment I don't even have an excuse to end the marriage- other than a sexless life... and although we've had issues in the past, it would be stupid to bring them up again because I already forgave him for that. I'm afraid if I talk to him about how I feel I will look selfish... he's going to hate me for sure.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Pisceslady08

[angelj]

look I wasn't married but I was living with someone for 3 years and we were miserable - he would erupt into violent episodes when drinking, he was emotionally unstable, depressed and always angry. We hadn't had sex in a year, he didn't desire me, never longed for my kisses, barely touched me without my begging.

 

I too had a crush which opened my eyes. I didn't leave my ex for him - nor did I cheat on him. I was already OVER IT and the emotional and domestic abuse that was occuring (FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS) had worn me down. What did the new man I crushed on do? He opened my eyes to LIFE. He made me realize there are other men out there who DON'T HAVE ISSUES or who can appreciate life for what it is - it made ME realize I had become co dependent and whether or not I left him for this man or any other, I realized I had a life to live and this wasn't the one for me.

 

Sometimes we need a catalyst. Sometimes we are too scared and need an extra push. That's what mine was - and it was the best decision I have ever made. I still hurt, but my life is now soaring without him and I don't have to walk on eggshells, wish for sex or duck because theres about to be a hole punched through my wooden door.

[angelj]

btw, I have a strong feeling this crush isn't why you want to leave him - its just opening your eyes - I don't think anyone should talk down to our poster for admitting this, at least she's being honest.

 

Also, please feel free to peek through my old posts about my ex, I think they began around Nov 2011 - or maybe Jan.. all I know is that I really waited too long to rip off the bandaid.

[Nyla]

It is normal to have plateaus throughout your life. For some, that might manifest itself as "boredom" because you tire of routine.

 

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to maintain a life of constant excitement, travel, adventure, etc. I was with a guy who tried and we had a 2 1/2 year adventure that almost killed him because he worked so hard to stave off "boredom."

 

If you don't want stagnancy in your marriage, you need to talk to your partner about changes you can make in your relationship to reignite adventure in lives.

 

This.

 

I have been with my husband for six years and married for three of those. We never had a honeymoon period because our engagement, wedding and first year were very hard due to financial problems and in law problems.

 

We made sure to draw nearer to each other during times of hardship. We also like to be affectionate to each other as that keeps the warm and fuzzies in our marriage. When people stare at us for being an interracial couple, we turn the discomfort into a joke by kissing passionately in front of the ignorant gawkers or waving at them

 

My husband and I also like to go on minibreaks at least three times a year. Last month, we spent one night in a hotel for a romp in a different bed and a hot tub to canoodle in. It takes work to keep the passion in a marriage, but it is the most pleasurable task there is of being a spouse.

[smoky eyes]

I too had a crush which opened my eyes. I didn't leave my ex for him - nor did I cheat on him. I was already OVER IT and the emotional and domestic abuse that was occuring (FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS) had worn me down. What did the new man I crushed on do? He opened my eyes to LIFE. He made me realize there are other men out there who DON'T HAVE ISSUES or who can appreciate life for what it is - it made ME realize I had become co dependent and whether or not I left him for this man or any other, I realized I had a life to live and this wasn't the one for me.

 

Sometimes we need a catalyst. Sometimes we are too scared and need an extra push. That's what mine was - and it was the best decision I have ever made. I still hurt, but my life is now soaring without him and I don't have to walk on eggshells, wish for sex or duck because theres about to be a hole punched through my wooden door.

 

Absolutely agree with this. Some people are too quick to denigrate the entrance of a new someone into your life as just a crush, or just boredom. Sometimes new people show you, whether or not you get together with them in the long run, the other things that are available to you.

 

I think you should leave him. Been there and done that a bit, it's hard, but it's better to have the pain and then be with someone who's right for you.