My dad is a horrible person.

[BornToDie]

...and I don't know what to do about it. My situation is very awkward; let me explain why.

 

My biological dad and mom divorced when I was 2, and from what I understand, he signed over his rights to be a part of my life so that he wouldn't have to pay child support. He wasn't ready to raise me, so my granddad (mom's dad) did. All my life, my granddad paid my way through school, a car, and my hobbies (and still does). All the while, my dad never left a card or gift or even a phone call.

When I turned 16, I found my dad on Facebook and sent him a message, not even thinking of the impact it'd have on my life. All of a sudden, he jumped right into my life, trying to play super dad, acting like he never stopped thinking of me and wanted to be a part of my life all along. It completely shattered my relationship with my mom; after all he put her through, she felt like I was abandoning her for him. My granddad seemed to be the only reasonable one, reminding my mom that I only wanted to know what my dad was like and would soon find out.. but from then on, every argument with my mom went right back to how I was going to turn out "just a sorry/worthless/etc. liar, just like your g**damn dad." They usually escalated to her slapping/punching/hitting me, and one night, she threatened to kill me.

Our relationship didn't get better until I left for college, and that week, I found out my mom had stage 4 colon cancer. She passed away that March and seemed to make peace with my dad, saying that he was here now to take care of me, so it all worked out. She agreed with him that I was the best thing they both ever did (he was there when she died). That was in March 2012.

 

I started going to therapy after, and it seemed to help with communication with my dad for a while; we talked on the phone almost every day. Still, I've always viewed my granddad as my dad because he takes care of me no matter what the cost. Never has my dad EVER offered to pay for my school or other funds. Soon, our conversation started waning, and he'd text me once a month saying "I'll do better with communication; I've been busy at work," but he never really did. It blows my mind that he has time to go to my stepsisters' softball games and to spend all day with my half-sister but doesn't seem to have 3 minutes to spend to check on his firstborn child. Not only that, but he promised to move to my hometown to be closer to me... He even said he was looking at houses and about to accept a job. When it never happened, he said he didn't want to take a pay cut. He strung me along only to let me down; none of it was real. Sometimes he'd even promise to visit me at college so we could grab a bite, but then "something always came up." About 2 months ago, we went to a "family music night" because my dad was in town. Not once that night did he sit down with me and say, "So how are you? How's life going?"

Then, Father's Day rolled around this year, and since I was taking summer classes, I was busy with finals and presentations, and I literally forgot to wish my dad a happy father's day. When I apologized, explaining my situation and telling him I loved him and hope he had a great day, he ignored me and never responded.

Today, I posted on Facebook about an interview I had. He texted me saying, "Good luck today," and I said, "Thanks." He asked to tell him how it went, and when I said I got it, he said, "That's good," to which I replied, "Yep." Again, he ignored me.

 

It hurts my heart to know that someone who I thought cared about me can't even pick up the phone to call or respond to a text. He knows something is wrong and can't even say, "Hey, what's wrong? Can we talk about it?" I want to lash out at him so badly and just cut him out of my life for all the hurt he's caused me. My granddad told me that my dad is a "bullsh*t artist" and that I should "treat him like a distant uncle and just acknowledge that he's there every now and then." At this point, though, I'm tired of trying with him. I'm sick of trying to make him feel like family. I don't need anyone who doesn't need me; still, one day, my granddad will be gone, and I'll be alone.

 

What do I do or say?

[CC12]

Treating him like a distant uncle sounds like a good idea. His recent contact seems to have upset you and served as a reminder of how little he tries. I think you should block him on Facebook, or use whatever setting disallows him to see your posts and photos. This isn't to punish him or to lash out, it's just to protect yourself. This makes it so that if he wants to know what's going on in your life, he can't just passively read about it and type a few words at you. He'll have to make an effort and actually call you and have a real conversation.

 

If you want to explain to him why you're blocking him (you don't need to) just tell him that you've narrowed down your friends list to only a few people, and then welcome him to give you a call sometime to catch up.

 

 

 

Just one more thing I want to add, and it's not really relevant to your question, but I wanted to point it out to give you something to think about. When you wrote about your granddad and described how he cared for you, you didn't say he was a good, caring man. You only said that he pays for things. And you mentioned several times that your biological father hasn't ever paid for anything. I hope you aren't measuring how much someone cares about you by how many things they buy you. I only brought this up because you mentioned it a few times in your OP, and it seemed kind of out of place. But maybe there's some background I'm missing.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

In all fairness, I think you should clarify for us here just in which direction you want your relationship with your father to go.

 

 

So far you've taken your mom's, and your grandfather's sense OF your dad, as the gospel, and while your dad hasn't exactly done a whole lot to alter that, it still seems that you would do best in the long run to have clear understanding of your father's priorities delivered first hand.

 

Who knows what your mother once told your father, back in the past, which caused him to wait until you contacted him, before connecting with you in any way. The fact that he responded means something.

 

Furthermore, you don't explain for us just to what degree your father is involved in your stepsisters' life on a day-to-day basis, so we can't tell for sure how unfair and out-of-line he is being in going to her/their softball games, etc., while not affording you the same attention.

 

 

Without more clarity, I would just suggest that you look off 15 years into the distance, and decide where you would like to be in relation to your father, and then maybe even tell him that you hope to get there, and then ask if he will work with you toward that point.

[BornToDie]

You both made some good points...

CC12, to make it more clear, I've never measured love by finances in my family. I only stated that just to show how my granddad has stepped up to be my dad whereas my dad hasn't. I respect and love my granddad more than anyone on the planet and know that he'd do anything for me. That's what's made him a dad; the whole finance aspect was only just an example.

 

SincereOnlineGuy, I wish I knew where I wanted us to be. When my dad stepped up and was around, it was great, and I wanted him in my life. When he acts the way he does now, it only shows how immature he is, and I don't want any part of him. When it comes to my stepsisters, I love them and have nothing against them. They're both wonderful girls, and I don't resent them.. But my dad is adopting them and spends every day with them while he never calls me. That's how involved he is with them. It's awkward for me to hear my stepsisters talk about their real dad and how uninvolved he is with them; it makes me think about my dad and how he is with me, and there's nothing I can mention about it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

(taking deep breath: )

 

So let (the rest of us) be clear on the big picture.

 

Your father is still very much with (the mother to your step sisters), and his clear priority in life is the (romantic) relationship in which he exists in the present. So in order to please the present day (is it a 'wife', formally, or not??)... he must certainly devote plenty of time to their shared children.

 

Are you being completely fair in ruling out that it isn't entirely of your father's free will that you are made to take a back seat to those step sisters who are presently central to his life?? Surely his main motivation is that woman, whoever she is (to us). What happens if/when YOU show up at those same softball games, in this other town ?? (how far away is it??)

 

We here don't even yet know how his new woman/wife feels about you, his child.

 

 

And in purely logical circles, the half-sisters could apply same to you. Maybe you owe "family" just as much attention as you feel your father owes you?

 

We can't glean the details which would make this much more clear, and we need some of that to be more fair to the big picture.

[HokeyReligions]

Listen to your grandad.

 

You can't force a relationship and you need to understand your own feeling of love.

 

My husband suffered from something similar. He did not speak to his mom for 30 years or so. He tried because his therapist said he needed too. Anyway after some more therapy and soul searchin he was able to accept that he did not love his mother and was trying to build a love based on how he thought he should feel. He allowed himself to finally really grieve for that love he so desired but was never real.

 

I'm very sorry for your losses but I'm glad you have your grandpa. Dont be afraid of being alone. Allow yourself to understand what you are really feeling. Let your biological dad go. It doesn't sound like he loves you even tho on some level he too might feel that he should.

 

Feeling like you SHOULD love someone doesn't mean that you do or ever will.

 

My husband still struggles at times but for the most part has found peace knowing he does not love his mother. He's 61 and sometimes it still hurts. Some hurts hurt forever but peace can coexist with pain. And laughter and joy will overshadow the hurt more and more often.

[sadwithouthim]

Honestly, it doesn't mean he's an all-around horrible person. It's in his character to be this way (probably learned very early), so just try to see the good traits in him if you want to maintain a relationship.

 

Reach out to him as often as you can, and try not to be disappointed if he doesn't always respond. I know it's hard, but we can't change others.

[Wolfcub]

Your mom knew him and therefore did not want you to contact with him. She showed that clearly enough. She made peace with him only because she tried to make your life easier. That did not work. The man has showed that he doesn't need or want you, since you were 2, then again now. Why keep trying? He doesn't want you. Live and let live.

 

still, one day, my granddad will be gone, and I'll be alone.

 

That day has not come yet, you may get a loving family of your own by that time. You do grow up and need less care form others, eventually you will be the one who supports you family, children, elderly. And when that comes, you may want to care for people who did value and love you, not the ones who never wanted you.