Friendship hurts

[GreySkyMorning]

I am one of those that thought we could be friends after it all ended. It doesn't work that way. You can't go backwards. This is a man I was completely in love with, heart, body and soul. He was number one in my life behind my kids for the entire two years. We declared words of love to each other MANY times a day, in both sides. We both swore that we would love each other forever. I still love this man. Ashamed as I am to say it, if he showed up on my doorstep at this moment, I would open the door and bring him right in.

 

So imagine how it feels now to hear him say he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore like that, but he still "cares" about me. He says his feelings changed because of everything that happened at dday. When i go on a date now (or just let him think i am because truth is, I'm not), he just says "be careful and have fun". It cuts right through me. What happened to the man that swore he couldn't stand the thought even of me with someone else and asked me to wait for him? He's happy now when I see someone else. It gets him off the hook. I was in the hospital yesterday for tests. Before when that would happen, he'd be off the chain acting worried and concerned about me. Now? He doesn't even seem to care.

 

I finally blew up at him the other day finally face to face. I told him how bad he'd hurt me. I told him how he'd lied to me when he said he loved me, and to wait for him, and that we'd be ok. I made him finally look me in the face and tell me he was sorry for hurting me. I told him I'm sure everyone else involved got his sincere apology and i certainly deserved one too. He said he never meant for things to end up the way they did. He said things just snowballed and we got wrapped up. I screamed at him that I wasn't "wrapped up", that it was my whole life and I had loved him and believed in him and his lies. We've barely spoken since. Of course, this was right after we'd had sex again while he was wearing his shiny new wedding ring that he chooses to wear now. What a jerk.

[GreySkyMorning]

Wait...you had sex again just the other day..? Um....that's not just friends...

 

But I hear you on the demoted feelings front. It sucks. And to have sex now under THOSE circumstances must make you feel very powerless/undervalued indeed. I would try not to do that to yourself again.

 

I don't think they lie, per se, when they swear up and down that they love you. But..it's a bit like really fine acting. A great actor immerses himself in the imaginary world and gets "swept away" or "wrapped up in it," as your MM would say. The FEELINGS are real. The circumstances are fake. You could argue the same for his M---shiny new ring or no, if she knew you had sex the other day, she wouldn't feel as "married" I can assure you, not in the way she yearns to be, at least.

 

SIGH. All the world's a stage, ya know?

 

Good luck. Go out and find a real set of circumstances for yourself to rely on. Living in one world is safer, saner, and more satisfying than living in two.

 

Twice, we've had sex twice. The first time, it was the first time we'd been face to face in four months. So much bitterness and anger had happened between us during that time and I was craving to reconnect with him. I missed him so much, you know? I just wanted to feel that love again in some way. Maybe it was the validation thing that Pierre is always babbling about. I don't know. I just know that after everything that had happened, I just wanted to feel loved by him again. He wasn't wearing the ring yet then.

 

The second time just a few days ago, it felt different. We'd walked into a restaurant before that and he'd reached behind his back to me for me to take his hand and I seen it. I've know this man for 20 yrs and through two marriages. This is the first time I've ever seen a ring on his finger. I didn't take his hand. Later when we were alone and he was being affectionate with me, I kept waiting for him to look at his hand, see the ring, and stop. I remember thinking to myself what kind of man would just continue? I even looked down at it between my legs thinking really?? I honestly think I kept going just to see how far he would go. As soon as I got dressed is when I blew up at him.

 

I'm furious and bitter and raging tonight. How was this just a matter of being wrapped up for him??? After everything he said to me and the promises he made, how does he now just get to be friends and pretend it never happened that way? Yes, he demoted and devalued everything I thought it was. I still remember at the beginning when I was holding back my own emotions and he got so angry at me for it. He said I was just using him for sex and he wanted a real relationship. Said he wanted to be a part of my life. Begged me to open up to him and let him inside. All that nonsense. At the moment sitting here, I hate him. I wasted two years of my life and my love and my time on him. He KNEW all along that we were never really going to be together. Why couldn't he have just been honest?

 

And her...as irrational as it is (and I KNOW in my heart that it is), I'm furious with her. I know the distance that was between them. I was there on this end when he came home from being gone two days and she left immediately to go somewhere else. And yet I know he's such a liar and that I don't know the real truth of that even. I've never wanted to tell her the truth of what's going on right now so bad in my life. I want to scream do you know your husband still texts me 300-400 times a day??? Do you know that he still even to this day swears I'm his best friend? That as recently as a couple weeks ago, he was complaining about how you and he have no real connection and that he and I do? But I know in my head that none of us have the truth except him. I know he doesn't love me and never did, just as I don't believe he loves her. I want to ask her if she knows that the first words out of his mouth to me after dday was that now he would end up divorced and lose all his stuff he'd worked for? Not lose his wife or his family, but lose his stuff. I'm sure he never said that to her. It is so important to him that everyone thinks he's a good guy. He's an assistant fire chief in his town and his precious good guy image means so much to him.

 

Gawd, why this anger tonight? I honestly want to blow his world apart and make him hurt the same way I'm hurting.

[Lady2163]

Opportunity knocks, temptation blows the door off the hinges

 

I love saying. And since my tablet typed it, I live that saying as well.

 

You're in a viscious cycle now. And you're angry.

 

You do have a healthy amount of distrust with what he tells you - good for you.

 

What do you want to do next?

[GreySkyMorning]

Opportunity knocks, temptation blows the door off the hinges

 

I love saying. And since my tablet typed it, I live that saying as well.

 

You're in a viscious cycle now. And you're angry.

 

You do have a healthy amount of distrust with what he tells you - good for you.

 

What do you want to do next?

 

I just want him gone completely. I want to not feel anything at all for him anymore. I want my life back. I don't even want to hate him. I just want him to have never existed. I don't even want the memories, not the good ones or the bad ones. I want to wake up tomorrow to being free, not to the good morning text I know will be on my phone. I know what I need to do. I know I need to block him from all contact and change my phone number. Why is it so hard to do that? Even knowing what I know now, how do I kill off this little bit of hope and this whole lot of love I still have?

[Lady2163]

One benefit to changing your phone number is you never have to wait for the phone to ring anymore. There is great comfort in knowing he can't.

 

With my last boyfriend, in less than a year, I changed my phone number, moved to a different town, changed my email and bought a different car. I did every free search possible on the Internet and I was hidden. For a while there was a free site that showed my zip code, but that site was closed.

 

Since he probably knows where you live, I'd send a text. "I'm done with you, I'm done with us. Don't ever contact me again." His reaction will tell you if you need a new number.

[veryhappy]

You've had sex with him once after dday, and next time you saw him...shiny ring on his finger. You won't get any appreciation for bringing their marriage back to life, but you did.

 

The only thing you can do is disappear from his life. Accept you lost, whatever that means. No more being on top of the world because two women want him. Let him be and do whatever he wants with his life. He wants the wife and the ring. He clearly can't be faithful (yet), so she's won the big prize.

 

You will have a lot of anger, but don't expect him to make it go away. You got an apology out of him, consider that all you will get. Your anger is yours to deal with and time will help.

[fanine]

I know how you feel. I guess many of us do. Please do not feel you are alone. I am in the a situation where my MM will always contact me again when I say I want to move in. He acts all hurt that I am leaving him, when he will not leave his wife!

It is cruel what these men do. They are selfish, they cannot for one second empathise with out feelings. They cannot really care about us if they want us to be unhappy. These men want us to compromise our lives - basically be there for them.

I have often felt like he sees me like a doll in a box. He takes me out the box when he feels like he wants to play with me. Then sticks me back in when it is not convenient.

We are all worth more than this. Yes, we do get the validation when they are nice to us, and it does feel good. I am in love with my MM. I really am not sure with my MM what he does really think.

I do know that however the one thing he wants over me is control. That is not healthy for any relationship, a 'normal' one or not.

[Goodbye]

Grey, I can relate to much of what you've written. I'm sorry for the pain you are in. This goes against what I usually say, but I think you should tell the wife and show her the hundreds of texts he sends everyday. Let her know the reality of her shiny re-newed marriage.

[HopingAgain]

Wow, how sad for you that he thinks so little of you and your feelings he would tell you things are great with him and his wife but continue to use you for sex. Some men are like that.

[GreySkyMorning]

Grey, I can relate to much of what you've written. I'm sorry for the pain you are in. This goes against what I usually say, but I think you should tell the wife and show her the hundreds of texts he sends everyday. Let her know the reality of her shiny re-newed marriage.

 

I won't do it. He made his choice and she made hers. I've known him about ten years longer than her. I know exactly who he is and exactly what kind of man he is now. I want nothing to do with him anymore. She wins a liar and a cheater. Good for her. I hope they're together for the rest of their lives.

[GreySkyMorning]

Wow, how sad for you that he thinks so little of you and your feelings he would tell you things are great with him and his wife but continue to use you for sex. Some men are like that.

 

How sad for his wife that he thinks so little of her and her feelings that he would look her pain in the face and then choose to repeat his same actions. How sad that she thinks he's become this newly committed model husband and in truth, he's still the same liar. Worse now that before he was lying by omission and just hiding it from her. Now he lies to her face every day.

[HopingAgain]

How sad for his wife that he thinks so little of her and her feelings that he would look her pain in the face and then choose to repeat his same actions. How sad that she thinks he's become this newly committed model husband and in truth, he's still the same liar. Worse now that before he was lying by omission and just hiding it from her. Now he lies to her face every day.

 

And yet you know his lies, know the full extent of them, he is not even pretending to be something he's not to spare your feelings, yet you continue to allow him to use you as a doormat. Why?

[ladydesigner]

How sad for his wife that he thinks so little of her and her feelings that he would look her pain in the face and then choose to repeat his same actions. How sad that she thinks he's become this newly committed model husband and in truth, he's still the same liar. Worse now that before he was lying by omission and just hiding it from her. Now he lies to her face every day.

 

She may not feel that way. If she's anything like me she may feel like HE is the same liar. My WH and I are only in R because of his actions...period! I do not trust him anymore and yes my WH is a liar and has shown me that again and again. What I don't want is any OW feeling sorry for me. I didn't do this to myself or my family, WH did. Just because a M is in reconciliation does not mean that everything is good and okay. My M is not okay by a longshot, but my WH is proving everyday by his actions that he wants this M.

[JourneyLady]

mmmm ... yeah sucks. I just went through this myself. Ex-bf and I were trading places = he going back to his home state and I was moving in. I mentioned that I know he still loves me, he's just not "in love" with me. Looks me straight in the eye and says "I am still IN LOVE with you." Yeah right. Over the course of the next few days, I ended up sleeping with him again.

 

Before leaving, he stops showing the warm emotions and after he gets there, has the barest minimum of contact with me online. Plus spending a LOT of his time with this other woman who he claims "is not interested in him". But he doesn't give me any of his time, so I basically made him pissed enough by acting all jealous (though I didn't really feel it that much) that he told me to block him and he's going to do vice versa.

 

GOOD! Because now he's out of my life, I don't "expect" him to contact me and though it hurts to be used like that, I know hell will freeze over before he will come back and use me again. Yeah, he wanted to be "friends" too.... But FWB is what he really wants, though he wouldn't admit it. And I'm nearly sure he bopped the neighbor while I was out of town as well; he was telling me how she was hittin' on him. She loaned him a table and chairs which are still here and she didn't want back, he said.

 

He also said he hadn't "seen" the neighbor in a long time. Come to find out they are friends on Facebook. I hate half-truths and he is full of them.

 

So partly consciously I chose the thing I knew would push his buttons the most so he'd stay away from me and consider that bridge burned. I'm not altogether sure it will work permanently, but hopefully I will have moved again by the time it wears off.