The Ideal Ending?

[Hazyhead]

I haven't been here for some time, I think about a year or so. Four years ago I had an affair with a married man, which went on for two years, give or take, and was the most traumatic experience of my life. Anyway, long story short, one year ago I decided to emigrate and moved 3000 miles away to a new life and new job. Happily too, I was in a very good place. Shortly after my move xMM got in touch, told me he was divorcing, for many reasons, of which the affair was of course one even though the divorce was his call, and wanted to make it work with me. Typical that the one thing I thought I wanted was now the most awkward outcome.

 

For a while we were just friends, communicating by email etc, and it was good to have him back in some form. He seemed so very different... so content with his life as a STBDM, trying to keep the peace as much as he could and see his daughter whenever possible. I guess that by forming the friendship again with him, I was gauging where he was, truly, not just where he said he was.

 

Eight months ago, or so, we decided to try a relationship, one that was open and honest. He flew out to see me many times and we had a great time together. There were issues, but we dealt with them honestly as they occurred. A few months ago I chose to come home.

 

The reason for my posting is that a few years ago I would have been desperate to see a post from someone whom ended up with their affair partner, however, the real truth is that it is much more difficult than I ever would have anticipated. I love him very much, and he me, and for the most part we are really happy, but when there is so much baggage to carry, it weighs you down. Relationships with his ex are very strained, at best, as (understandably) she despises me. There are many other issues between them too, but I worry for the effect it all has on their daughter, in front of whom she does not hide her contempt. It would be incredibly naive of me to think that she will just 'get over it' (she too is in another relationship but it doesn't seem to move her forward).

 

To all of you in the affair process now, think carefully about what you wish for. I love my man and will try my hardest to make it work, but I know we might not make it; there might be just too much to get through. If we don't, I know I will be in far worse a position than I was as just the other woman.

[hippetyhop]

Thank you for sharing how your A turned out. I think most of us just want to be with our AP so badly and think the grass is greener, but we don't think about how life with them will really be once an ex and kids are thrown into the mix.

 

Did his ex-wife know the affair was with you?

[MissBee]

I haven't been here for some time, I think about a year or so. Four years ago I had an affair with a married man, which went on for two years, give or take, and was the most traumatic experience of my life. Anyway, long story short, one year ago I decided to emigrate and moved 3000 miles away to a new life and new job. Happily too, I was in a very good place. Shortly after my move xMM got in touch, told me he was divorcing, for many reasons, of which the affair was of course one even though the divorce was his call, and wanted to make it work with me. Typical that the one thing I thought I wanted was now the most awkward outcome.

 

For a while we were just friends, communicating by email etc, and it was good to have him back in some form. He seemed so very different... so content with his life as a STBDM, trying to keep the peace as much as he could and see his daughter whenever possible. I guess that by forming the friendship again with him, I was gauging where he was, truly, not just where he said he was.

 

Eight months ago, or so, we decided to try a relationship, one that was open and honest. He flew out to see me many times and we had a great time together. There were issues, but we dealt with them honestly as they occurred. A few months ago I chose to come home.

 

The reason for my posting is that a few years ago I would have been desperate to see a post from someone whom ended up with their affair partner, however, the real truth is that it is much more difficult than I ever would have anticipated. I love him very much, and he me, and for the most part we are really happy, but when there is so much baggage to carry, it weighs you down. Relationships with his ex are very strained, at best, as (understandably) she despises me. There are many other issues between them too, but I worry for the effect it all has on their daughter, in front of whom she does not hide her contempt. It would be incredibly naive of me to think that she will just 'get over it' (she too is in another relationship but it doesn't seem to move her forward).

 

To all of you in the affair process now, think carefully about what you wish for. I love my man and will try my hardest to make it work, but I know we might not make it; there might be just too much to get through. If we don't, I know I will be in far worse a position than I was as just the other woman.

 

Hey hazy!

 

Thanks for the update. I wish you all the best, and you seem really together and realistic about everything, so I'm sure you'll be just fine.

 

I laughed when I read the bold about desperate for a story of how it worked out...that's human nature isn't it? I remember when I came to LS after a regular breakup I was scouring the Second Chances forum desperate for a story of the ex who returned and it went well and ignoring those who said most break ups stay broken. My ex did come back...but it wasn't the fairy tale I had envisioned at all and in the end it didn't work out and then I finally understood what some were saying.

 

I'm sure your story will provide perspective to someone reading and not just blind hope in an off-chance, and certainly, not in a "fairy tale."

[2sure]

Where in the divorce process was MM when you moved back home?

 

I think there has got to be a best way to do these things , so Im wondering if in hindsight or in light of your current feelings - you have any advice for others ?

[HopingAgain]

Take it slow, and make sure that both you and he are working through whatever issues that led to the affair. There will be some feelings of guilt presumably about how your relationship originated, and sometimes this comes up even YEARS later should the 2 of you stick it out, and if not resolved, it can cause issues. It's important that you stay realistic about the reality of your relationship and that because of its origins and the BS knowing it was you, there will be a lot of resentment and many hurdles to overcome if you are going to be happy together. I am a woman who went on to marry her OM, and am now a BS. We are reconciling, but it has been a rough road and part of that was due to not being vigilant about the work we needed to do to recover from starting as an affair relationship. Good luck to you!

[Hazyhead]

Sorry for the delay! Totally out of the habit of posting and never at the computer anymore (huge contrast to when I was tied to it for emails from the A!

 

Thank you for sharing how your A turned out. I think most of us just want to be with our AP so badly and think the grass is greener, but we don't think about how life with them will really be once an ex and kids are thrown into the mix.

 

Did his ex-wife know the affair was with you?

 

For years I thought the grass was greener and whilst I'm not going to say it's not, I am happy, it would probably be more accurate to say that it's merely a different shade. The ex-wife does know the affair with me and for quite some time she was (understandably) very hostile to our relationship but has recently made more effort to be calm and accepting. Primarily for the sake of the child who was witnessing it all but also for her own needs and the sake of her own relationship. I still haven't met her but the longer time passes, the smoother everything seems to be.

 

Hey hazy!

 

Thanks for the update. I wish you all the best, and you seem really together and realistic about everything, so I'm sure you'll be just fine.

 

I laughed when I read the bold about desperate for a story of how it worked out...that's human nature isn't it? I remember when I came to LS after a regular breakup I was scouring the Second Chances forum desperate for a story of the ex who returned and it went well and ignoring those who said most break ups stay broken. My ex did come back...but it wasn't the fairy tale I had envisioned at all and in the end it didn't work out and then I finally understood what some were saying.

 

I'm sure your story will provide perspective to someone reading and not just blind hope in an off-chance, and certainly, not in a "fairy tale."

 

We must wear very rosy tints on our glasses during affairs, and behaviour is so moderated really, always wanting to show only our 'best' (the irony) side that it doesn't always match up to the reality. I certainly had this but I think a lot of it was the long-distance situation bringing out the worst in us. We are now a lot more communicative and compromising.

 

Thanks, MissBee.

 

Where in the divorce process was MM when you moved back home?

 

I think there has got to be a best way to do these things , so Im wondering if in hindsight or in light of your current feelings - you have any advice for others ?

 

Hi 2sure.

 

When I moved back home the divorce was pending only Decree Absolute. All done now and I have to say its a weight off everybody's mind, not just mine. I'm glad I waited for the divorce to be almost done (due to work I couldn't wait any longer) and I would recommend that to anyone. Space for everyone during a divorce situation is crucial for healing.

 

 

Take it slow, and make sure that both you and he are working through whatever issues that led to the affair. There will be some feelings of guilt presumably about how your relationship originated, and sometimes this comes up even YEARS later should the 2 of you stick it out, and if not resolved, it can cause issues. It's important that you stay realistic about the reality of your relationship and that because of its origins and the BS knowing it was you, there will be a lot of resentment and many hurdles to overcome if you are going to be happy together. I am a woman who went on to marry her OM, and am now a BS. We are reconciling, but it has been a rough road and part of that was due to not being vigilant about the work we needed to do to recover from starting as an affair relationship. Good luck to you!

 

I do still feel guilt. Maybe it's the catholic in me and it will never go away! I do now try to channel that into positivity now, in that how I treated others I would never do again. It has also made me more understanding of anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation - innocent or guilty party. We talk a lot, about everything that bothers us, even if this happens to be residual feelings from the past. We also discuss our insecurities. I hope we make it, I really do. I can see the light now but I know it's far from smooth sailing yet! I hope you work out your situation Hoping Again, and come out of it with the happiest outcome.

[glowing]

I am also part of this club, and what you wrote really hit home with me.

 

Our affair began four years ago, he left his wife a year later (I was already divorcing my husband when our affair began). She found out about me after their decision to divorce.

 

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary a few months ago, and while it has been wonderful and amazing (and I still can't believe I get to wake up next to him every morning, make love whenever we want, hold his hand and wear his ring on my left hand) our marriage is not without it's own challenges.

 

We struggle with trust, he is very jealous, and we have two incredibly angry, high conflict exes we have to coparent with. We have an order of protection against his ex, and hear almost daily from both how awful we are. It's hard to live with hearing that over and over again. We both lost friends, and have to hold our heads high at school events while our exes and their friends glare at us. It's exhausting to always be under hate-filled scrutiny, but it is what it is. I guess that's our penance for being together, and if that's the case, so be it.

 

All that to say, it does work out, and I'm truly grateful every day that it did. I will probably always feel guilty about hurting our exes. The path we chose is not one I would wish on anyone, although I don't know that we would not be here today if we hadn't. It's bittersweet sometimes.

 

But at the end of the day, I fall asleep in his arms. He walks in the door at night and my heart stops. Our children witness their mother/father happy and loved. His family adores me, and I them. My mom thanks him every time she sees him for putting happiness back into my life.

 

If it's meant to work out, it will. I believe that.

Edited August 29, 2013 by glowing

[happy stillmore]

Wow. Both of you were lucky to find men who were brave enough to follow their hearts. My xMM was a coward. It is easier to live life honestly. Close one door before opening another.

[Hazyhead]

I am also part of this club, and what you wrote really hit home with me.

 

Our affair began four years ago, he left his wife a year later (I was already divorcing my husband when our affair began). She found out about me after their decision to divorce.

 

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary a few months ago, and while it has been wonderful and amazing (and I still can't believe I get to wake up next to him every morning, make love whenever we want, hold his hand and wear his ring on my left hand) our marriage is not without it's own challenges.

 

We struggle with trust, he is very jealous, and we have two incredibly angry, high conflict exes we have to coparent with. We have an order of protection against his ex, and hear almost daily from both how awful we are. It's hard to live with hearing that over and over again. We both lost friends, and have to hold our heads high at school events while our exes and their friends glare at us. It's exhausting to always be under hate-filled scrutiny, but it is what it is. I guess that's our penance for being together, and if that's the case, so be it.

 

All that to say, it does work out, and I'm truly grateful every day that it did. I will probably always feel guilty about hurting our exes. The path we chose is not one I would wish on anyone, although I don't know that we would not be here today if we hadn't. It's bittersweet sometimes.

 

But at the end of the day, I fall asleep in his arms. He walks in the door at night and my heart stops. Our children witness their mother/father happy and loved. His family adores me, and I them. My mom thanks him every time she sees him for putting happiness back into my life.

 

If it's meant to work out, it will. I believe that.

 

Likewise, Glowing, your words too hit home. All of the vitriol that still comes our way from the exes and those who the exes dragged into it is hard to take. At best it's passive and there are days with near-civil exchanges.

 

My friends and family were very hesitant at first, understandably, but made the effort to meet him and put it all in the past. So far things are doing well in this department, and I hope this continues. My mum, who swore he would never darken her door, is now so supportive and can see how happy he makes me too.

 

I can't change the past and, like you, will probably always feel guilt, but you are right to focus on what you have now. That's why all the trauma in the first place. Tonight ill lie down next to him and feel his arms around me. I remember the days when that seemed a pipe dream.

 

Thank you, Glowing, for reminding me of the good.