Bologna on "Chemistry"

[GI_Joy]

I've experienced both ends of the spectrum. The "instant" Chemistry with my ex, where upon first meeting we both instantly clicked and couldn't get enough of each other. However, his interest in me died down after a month or so whereas mine had sustained. It ended pretty bad. With my current BF, I was not that into him in the beginning. But, he was pretty persistent. I gave him a chance, and as we've gotten to know each other more, I felt the chemistry growing stronger. Definitely feels a lot different from instant chemistry..it isn't as intense and "dreamy", but it feels a lot more secure and steady. As if there's more room to grow. I prefer the steadier less intense one than the "love at first sight" dreamy one.

[wildtrac77]

Listen, if you don't feel chemistry from the beginning, it's not going to magically manifest itself over time and out of thin air.

 

People know pretty quickly if they feel a little jolt of something to indicate that they are interested in the other person.

 

You can't feel NOTHING for someone, and expect to have chemistry over time, that's not what happens.

 

I tried to date someone without the chemistry, I tried telling myself that it would come over time and that the longer we dated the more connected I would feel... guess what? It never happened. Two years later and I still didn't love him and I wound up hurting him big time.

 

I don't care how nice a person is, if I feel nothing around you, if I don't feel even the slightest amount of interest/chemistry... then we're not dating. Period. It's a waste of time, and it's pointless and it leads to unbalanced relationships and unhappiness on both ends.

 

ALL and I mean ALL relationships always start with lust. What happens? Guy sees a hot chick (pure lust and attraction) and he goes over to her. If she feels him back (again pure lust and attraction) they will start to date. It's that lust and interest/chemistry/spark that will keep those two together and then that lust will turn itself into love if they then both emotionally connect.

 

Chemistry is either there, or it's not. And it's not something that's forced over a set amount of months and years. There's a REASON that it's so hard to find, it's super rare! It's worth waiting for. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that you have to force yourself to be with someone when there's no chemistry.

 

You cant date someone if there isn't any chemistry there I agree but that's not to say it wont happen over time if you were friends..

 

Chemistry is only super rare for some women as they basically don't give it chance to develop with people over time where it might do... chances of this instant lust developing into long term relships is very small in the majority of cases!!!

 

What do you term as intrest??

[wildtrac77]

I've experienced both ends of the spectrum. The "instant" Chemistry with my ex, where upon first meeting we both instantly clicked and couldn't get enough of each other. However, his interest in me died down after a month or so whereas mine had sustained. It ended pretty bad. With my current BF, I was not that into him in the beginning. But, he was pretty persistent. I gave him a chance, and as we've gotten to know each other more, I felt the chemistry growing stronger. Definitely feels a lot different from instant chemistry..it isn't as intense and "dreamy", but it feels a lot more secure and steady. As if there's more room to grow. I prefer the steadier less intense one than the "love at first sight" dreamy one.

 

So when you say you didn't have much intrest in your current guy to start with how did things start off with you guys?? ( ie as just friends or dating but no chemistry but you gave it a chance?? )

[GI_Joy]

So when you say you didn't have much intrest in your current guy to start with how did things start off with you guys?? ( ie as just friends or dating but no chemistry but you gave it a chance?? )

 

I started off with him being very upfront that I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time. It's not that there was no chemistry as much as it was just me being closed off at the time. We took it slow. But my interest gradually developed as we got to know each other more. Began to appreciate things about him that I hadn't really experienced before with any other guys and a lot of it was fundamental--his core values, the consistency of the values he lives by, authenticity, etc. The connection that developed felt very raw (in a good way). He has been the one who took the lead in terms of feelings and commitment, but I didn't feel pressured into anything, and the feelings developed anyway. I am in love with him now. And I wasn't expecting to fall in love with him, but I am, and I'm completely immersed in the connection we have. Pure acceptance of our views, strengths, and flaws and an understanding that we have with each other that I would not have foreseen on the first date. Our relationship is still young, but I feel that it's going in the right direction.

[irc333]

I can have a date every day of the week and I will feel ZERO chemistry on 99.9% of them. So when there is a guy that I feel "it" with, all the other dates become irrelevant. Most of these men get nexted because I prefer nobody to them. I don't even remember the last time I nexted someone because I had a better option.

 

So yeah, no generalizing.

 

Yes, but my point to my post is....the "aftermath" of chemistry....like the person vanishes or is just one of those people that run hot to cold over night.

 

Ever have that happen to you or did EVERY single person you had "chemistry" with wound up in a long term relationship?

[hotpotato]

Chemistry is very important to me. If there is no chemistry, I will not go on a second date with them. I've tried waiting to see if the chemistry would appear later with some guys but it never did.

 

If both the guy and I feel chemistry (rare) we usually stay together for awhile. I dont have chemistry with a lot of people, but when I do they usually have it for me,too.

[xxoo]

Yes, but my point to my post is....the "aftermath" of chemistry....like the person vanishes or is just one of those people that run hot to cold over night.

 

Ever have that happen to you or did EVERY single person you had "chemistry" with wound up in a long term relationship?

 

How do you know they felt chemistry?

[tbf]

I often wonder, with so many single women emphasizing there "Must" be chemistry....when there IS chemistry between the both people....why do sometimes...one of them flake and go off the radar?

 

Like you meet someone, you really hit it off really well on the date...you talk for hours, the energy between the two of you is great, sparks are flyin' blah blah blah....and then boom...you get no 2nd date.

If there's no second date, there was no chemistry which leads me to wonder how well you read social cues.

[GoodOnPaper]

.ALL and I mean ALL relationships always start with lust. What happens? Guy sees a hot chick (pure lust and attraction) and he goes over to her. If she feels him back (again pure lust and attraction) they will start to date.

 

Not very accurate about the guy's part - at least for those of us who never had women lining up to date us. Try "guy sees a girl who he thinks is kind of cute and who he thinks might say yes".

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yes, but my point to my post is....the "aftermath" of chemistry....like the person vanishes or is just one of those people that run hot to cold over night.

 

Ever have that happen to you or did EVERY single person you had "chemistry" with wound up in a long term relationship?

 

I am only going to say this once.

You can have chemistry with someone and one of both of you NOT want a relationship.

[irc333]

If there's no second date, there was no chemistry which leads me to wonder how well you read social cues.

 

I actually call bull crap on that. This is a typical cop-out answer when aren't able to find out the answer.

 

I recall going out with a woman, I never had a date go so well, even until the point of kissing on the first date and she even CALLED me when I got home to see if I made it home alright and we talked a bit and wished me a good night. Believe me the social cues and body language (her leaning into me as we walked together)..was all so obvious.

 

Then after that she went cold.

 

I was thinking she may have been still married or had a boyfriend or something, too or just a mental case.

 

You can have chemistry with someone and one of both of you NOT want a relationship.

 

OR this. VERY good point.

 

"Great we had chemistry! What? Would I be his girlfriend? Nah, I don't think so".

Edited August 1, 2013 by irc333

[irc333]

I believe in chemistry but people expect it from the word go ( esp with OLD ) but this very very rarely happens in real life when two people meet for the first time!!

 

Actually, I've known quite a few marriages that happened like this. One in particular where I had asked her how she met her husband. She basically said it was a social gathering...apparently he was a friend of a friend of a friend that showed up with HIS circle of friends at a restaurant/bar....they were talking for a while, and of course flirting

 

Then she said, "He reached over and kissed me, and the rest was history!"

 

Now...they're married. lol

[miss_jaclynrae]

I actually call bull crap on that. This is a typical cop-out answer when aren't able to find out the answer.

 

I recall going out with a woman, I never had a date go so well, even until the point of kissing on the first date and she even CALLED me when I got home to see if I made it home alright and we talked a bit and wished me a good night. Believe me the social cues and body language (her leaning into me as we walked together)..was all so obvious.

 

Then after that she went cold.

 

I was thinking she may have been still married or had a boyfriend or something, too or just a mental case.

 

 

 

OR this. VERY good point.

 

"Great we had chemistry! What? Would I be his girlfriend? Nah, I don't think so".

 

 

 

I agree you can have chemistry even if there isn't a second date.

I have had really good chemistry with a few men, both of which I never entered a relationship with.

 

Timing didn't work out, and at the time I was just dating for fun.

SO, it does happen.

 

Just because you had a good date and the chick flaked on you doesn't mean much. I personally have had a great date, everything flowed well, only to never hear from him again. Welcome to dating.

Don't feel so special. Chemistry is indeed real, just because you haven't had a relationship blossom from it doesn't mean it isn't real.

 

 

 

 

The moment I laid eyes on my man I was drawn to him, he felt the same towards me. Even now our chemistry is amazing. Two peas in a pod.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Actually, I've known quite a few marriages that happened like this. One in particular where I had asked her how she met her husband. She basically said it was a social gathering...apparently he was a friend of a friend of a friend that showed up with HIS circle of friends at a restaurant/bar....they were talking for a while, and of course flirting

 

Then she said, "He reached over and kissed me, and the rest was history!"

 

Now...they're married. lol

 

I think that the romance novel, Lifetime Movie definition of looking across a crowded room and zap both parties run together and fieworks go off sets up an unrealistic expectation of what can be.

 

Sometimes you see someone and the attraction is clear. This is mainly based on looks. You invest in that attraction and you have a relationship.

 

Sometimes you think they are cute or nice looking, but no bolts from the sky, and then one day you look at them and think.....were they ALWAYS this cute? That's the kind that builds up over time.

 

Then there is the kind that takes some persistence, because one or more parties needs to warm up, this is what OLD has ruined, since people rarely invest more than one date, looking for the lightening bolt.

 

All end up with successful long term relationships....all end up with breakups and divorces. Cause it's what you do with it that matters.

 

Oh and to the poster that says all women want is someone good looking....define good looking? I am not saying women (and men) want someone they consider attractive, but THAT is a matter of taste.

[iris219]

"Chemistry" is 100% about making a girl's panties wet.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It's all about the presentation of you.

 

If you're good with girls and know how to push their buttons, many girls will feel "chemistry". If you're not, then you will continue to have these problems.

 

The idea of "chemistry" is purely from the female side. Any guy that believes in that simply does not have an understanding of how attraction works.

 

No, it's not. Sexual attraction and chemistry are not the same.

 

I dated a man for about 4 months once. I either end up with a guy for years or go on a date or two and that's it. This was the only time I did something in between. It lasted as long as it did because I was sexually attracted to him, but we had no chemistry, so I ended it.

[irc333]

Some time back, there was actually a woman on POF that was "seperated", apparently she had split from her husband...no kids, but was staying with him until they finished up their business together. Apparently she had an obligation to stay with him until the end of the year when she would help him close his business.

 

(He doesn't know a thing about computers, so he needs to keep her around for the accounting software and books).

 

She said they had been married for several years, but even in the beginning there was no attraction between them.....so they are divorcing for pretty much THAT reason....though however hindsight it must be.

 

VEry strange.

 

How does one stomach marrying someone they aren't attracted to?

 

What happened on the honey moon? LOL

[irc333]

"Chemistry" is 100% about making a girl's panties wet.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It's all about the presentation of you.

 

If you're good with girls and know how to push their buttons, many girls will feel "chemistry". If you're not, then you will continue to have these problems.

 

LOL>..Tom Tucker has been reading too many PUA books.

 

I get a kick out of these "know-it-alls" think this way. That it's something the MAN should have done to manipulate the woman into being attracted to you, and it's our fault, somehow for having these "problems" as he likes to call them.

[irc333]

Also, what's with this "Women know within seconds of a man walking into a room that she will SLEEP" with him.

 

I could walk out on the beach and think the same thing with all the bikini babes out there. DUH! LOL

[irc333]

I'm pretty sure you do NOT read social cues at all, based on your substantial posting history here.

 

My "history" posting would not be an accurate representation of my dating life and my ability to pick up on social cues.

 

I have no problem picking on social cues actually, and this was a pretty good exception that I just KNEW that I would be seeing her again.

 

Chances are she was either on the rebound or couldn't make up her mind.

 

I picked up on her social cue that her calling me to chat even more AFTER the date was proof enough. I NEVER had a woman do that, meaning I must've made a pretty good impression.

 

Chances are her boyfriend was probably home when I called for a 2nd date. LOL

[tbf]

I actually call bull crap on that. This is a typical cop-out answer when aren't able to find out the answer.

 

I recall going out with a woman, I never had a date go so well, even until the point of kissing on the first date and she even CALLED me when I got home to see if I made it home alright and we talked a bit and wished me a good night. Believe me the social cues and body language (her leaning into me as we walked together)..was all so obvious.

 

Then after that she went cold.

Do you understand the difference between enjoying being with someone in a platonic way and having real chemistry? Had real chemistry been there v. platonic like, she would have dated you again.

[irc333]

Right...why create an illusion when you can just be yourself?

 

I had a married woman, who was trying to fix me up with her single friend...and that's simply the advice she gave me, "Be yourself!"

[Imported]

Chemistry is not necessarily about "wet panties" at all. I experience it with people regularly, in a non-sexual way. Even women, and people like my husband's kids. No, I'm not a lesbian or a sexual predator. It's a big undeniable "click."

 

..........

 

I do agree that a manipulative person can push buttons and falsely create that sense of connection. That's not the provence of "men" (more like boys, in this context) but of manipulative people in general. They do what they do in order to get what they want out of others.

 

I think when two people come together, there is apprehension, hiding yourself, fear of how you will be perceived, stand-off-ish-ness...kinda a waiting to see what the other person does and not doing what you should be doing.

 

To me, "chemistry" or "clicking" is acceptance, being open and reassurance. Being more concerned about her, than I am worried about me. I don't hold back hiding and waiting for just the right time for anything, I will wholeheartedly jump in and give every indication that I like and enjoy her through my tone of voice, body language, facial expression, random mistakes that I make giving away more than I intended....everything short of actually verbally saying it. Generally...yes, behaving in this manner gets me a lot. I don't think it is manipulative or fake, at least for me. Sure, I purposely try to behave this way, but what is wrong with that?