Unsure... It's long

[UnsureHubby]

Unsure....

 

Hi Everyone I am new here, I have been poking around for about a week and figured I would write out what is going on in hopes of some advice..

 

My wife and I met when we were 18, we were friends and roommates then eventually fell in love with each other during the first year we knew each other.

During the first few years things where great, towards the end of the 3rd year she had a guy friend that she worked with and would lie to me in order to spend time with him. He is older (15-20yrs) and they said they where just friends, he said she was like a daughter. Anyway we got past that, I understood that she had male friends and she stopped lying about it.

 

Skip forward a few years... She started hiding that she was spending time with him again, I was spiteful and found a female friend that I had a crush on and spent time with her. My wife had a miscarrage and I didn't really spend the time I should have with her supporting her. We had a huge argument and I realized how horrible I was treating her and how much I loved her. We worked things out and became close again.

 

Over the next few years we had a daughter (2005) and our lives changed, we now focused on her, my wife and I started growing apart again... No sex and I was getting very little affection. I loved her so I stuck it out and again things got better... 4 years later we had another daughter and again we went back to the no sex no affection thing for 4 years leading upto now.

 

about 6 months ago I confronted her, she explained I didn't do enough around the house and why would she want to show me affection or have sex with someone who could walk by something on the floor and not pick it up.. We agreed we would work on things and I started doing more "indoor" chores, leaving early from work occasionally, eating better, losing weight (I was close to 300, dropped down to 225), exercising, overall trying to be a better man.

 

Last month I confronted her again and asked what the problem is, I have done everything you asked and got nothing in return.. She said I had gained to much weight over the years and I don't stick with the commitments I make... I admit when I don't see anything in return I got a bit lazy again, she also said I was fat and it was uncomfortable to have sex. She said she was still attracted to me but not sexually anymore and I should loose soe weight. She even set goals, lose 5 ponds get sex

 

Motivated I started to hit the gym again, dieting, and in general being more active again. Lost the first 5 and sent her a picture of the scale.. Nothing happened... I noticed I would go outside and she would go inside, she stopped going to bed with me, then she would leave bed after I feel asleep and not come in for hours.

 

I decided to see what was going on so I went outside one night to find her hanging out with our neighbors son (32 yrs old).. I started to get suspicious but then I remembered that he is our neighbor so I talked to him. He told me she comes over and talks and that was it... Finally I confronted her after lying and hiding it from me and she told me she had a crush on him, he has no feelings for her and she was not acting on it.

 

That night she told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore... We argued, cried, and eventually agreed that we could make it work. At the end I said I had one condition, she needed to stop pursuing her friendship with the neighbor since she had a crush on him. She left and went to her dads.

 

The next day we talked, she said she just needed some space to think and would be home on sunday. I saw her over the weekend and she acted like nothing was wrong. Sunday she came home and told me I had to move out. I said NO, she wants out of our marriage and wants to hurt our kids, break up our family then she needs to go. After a few minutes of talking she looked and said lets give it a month.

 

It has been almost a week, I am getting mixed signals, she says she loves me, kisses me occasionally, other times I get the cold shoulder. I started talking about god times we have had, tried to just be her friend.

 

I am scared because I see the way she looks at our neighbor, she sits out back and moved her chair so she can see their backyard. When he is doing yard work I see her staring at home, she is always looking over there. Last nite she didn't come to bed with me, I woke up at 2am to see her standing out front staring at his house

 

I don't know what to make of all of this, I don't know if I should just do a 180 and ignore her until she approached me. I am planning for the worst, I have an appt. with a lawyer to discuss my options in the event that things don't work out.

 

That was allot to get out, any advice is appreciated.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you've been working at things and keeping your end of the bargain. You're also doing the right thing by protecting yourself.

 

From the way you say she is talking and staring at the neighbor, you can assume she still has a sexual appetite... just not for you. Have you suggested marriage counseling? Since your compromoises and talks together haven't yielded any results, a professional may be able to get to the bottom of this.

[oldshirt]

You are actually on the right track here in many ways and could use some help in some others.

 

When someone gives you the 'ILOVEYOUBUTAMNOTINLOVEWITHYOU' (ILYBNILWY) speech, you typically have just a few months before she either has a fullblown affair or packs her bags and moves out.

 

You are already behind the 8ball in that a little bit BUT you have also been working on making yourself a better man and have been losing weight and addressing the relationship issues and taking it seriously.

 

Most guys only see the light after she has moved in with the new guy.

 

Anyway, it is good you are working on the weight and working on the relationship and it is VERY VERY good that you put the smack down on her and told her to leave if she was the one that was unhaaaaaappy, You get 100 bonus points there!!

 

Now here's the bad news. you guys got together young and you have had a long history of dissatisfaction and disconnect. The damage and disconnect may be permanent and nonrecoverable:(

 

Here's my recommendations -

 

- hold her to the month she offered. but tell her if in order for her to stay in the house with a real husband for that month she has to go completely no contact with any other men. any sideways glance and she is out and papers will be filed.

 

- then put the kibosh on the other guy and tell him to stay away from your wife. He may be uninterested in which case tell him that your expectations are that he will walk away from her if she trys to approach him (and she will) Be serious about this and tell him that if he doesn't stay away from him there will be repercussions.

 

- Continue to bust your @$$ getting in shape.

 

- Step up your leadership of the household and start getting your financial, personal, family and business affairs in order.

 

- Treat her fairly and with dignity and respect but DO NOT under any circumstances take ANY of her $hit or let her manipulate you or pull one over on you. this is very critical, you can't let her manipulate you or she will manipulate you into being her homemaker, bill-payer and babysitter while she bangs the neighbor guy. The more she controls you and calls the shots, she less she will respect you and the less she will be attracted to and desire you.

 

The rest of this stuff is going to sound counterintuitive and like throwing gas on the fire but it is very important in your current state -

 

- You need to set some very firm boundaries on what is acceptable behavior for her and what SHE has to do to stay in the house. You have done everything that she said she wanted and your marriage has continued to deteriorate so now it is time for you to take over leadership of the home and family

 

- insist that you two get into counseling and address your issues head on. She must participate fully and with sincerity and good faith effort.

 

- she is not going to "feel" like having physical closeness, affection etc but draw a line in the sand and insist on it anyway. Your goal here is to have a full-service marriage and not a roommate agreement and physical affection, romance, sexuality etc are what separates a marriage from a roommate agreement. those things are not simply an expression of love and warmth but also generate it.

 

-it's within your right to demand a full-service, happy, healthy marriage in order for her to remain in the home. If she wants freedom and independence and to bang other dudes, that is her right but she can do that on her own dime and from her own house that she pays for out of her own pocket and without a loving husband that takes care of her when she's sick and comforts her in times of stress and changes the oil in her car and fixes things that break around the house. Those are the things that husbands do, not hook ups or FWBs.

 

She gets to choose whether she wants a husband or FWBs but it is your right to draw a line in the sand and say she doesn't get both.

[oldshirt]

I will also add to start preparing for a divorce. Lawyer up and get an accountant and start working on protecting your assets, resources, property and relationship with your children. DO THIS NOW.

 

All of the things I have outlined may or may not save your marriage. She may see you growing a set of balls and manning up and it may reignite some of her attraction/desire for you.

 

Or it may send her packing.

 

But if she does end up leaving/cheating anyway, it will all put you in a much stronger position to protect yourself and will put you in a vastly better position to move on with your life and find someone else.

[keepontruckin]

When someone gives you the 'ILOVEYOUBUTAMNOTINLOVEWITHYOU' (ILYBNILWY) speech, you typically have just a few months before she either has a fullblown affair or packs her bags and moves out.

I received that line two or three days after she moved out...

 

However, yes... If you hear the line, it is essentially over. And there's probably not much you can do.

[worldgonewrong]

I am scared because I see the way she looks at our neighbor, she sits out back and moved her chair so she can see their backyard. When he is doing yard work I see her staring at home, she is always looking over there. Last nite she didn't come to bed with me, I woke up at 2am to see her standing out front staring at his house.

 

Re [my] bolded part: I dare say she's already slept with this guy.

You either caught her going or returning.

[oldshirt]

. Last nite she didn't come to bed with me, I woke up at 2am to see her standing out front staring at his house

 

I missed this part the first time I read your post. that is downright creepy:eek:

 

She is either having some kind of unhealthy fixation on him or Worldgonewrong is right and she was waiting for the, "The coast is clear, c'mon over!" signal.

[oldshirt]

I received that line two or three days after she moved out...

 

However, yes... If you hear the line, it is essentially over. And there's probably not much you can do.

 

That depends. Sometimes if people can react quick enough and take it seriously kick it in to high gear quick enough before the ax comes down, it can sometimes be turned around.

 

Once she's started having orgasms with other man or has simply made the conscious decision that it is over and that she is not going to capitulate no matter what is said and done, it is usually over.

[bubbaganoosh]

Unsure.

 

let me ask this. What is your wife's weight? Can she stand to lose a few pounds? Does she keep herself in tip top shape? I find it really shi!!y that you are being blackmailed for sex. Lose 5 pound and happy happy joy joy I'm getting laid. You know what that is? it's pity sex and that is pathetic that you have to jump through hoops for sex. If the shoe was on the other foot and you said something like that to her, bet the house friend one of you would be living someplace else.

 

Time to pull back the reigns and give her something to think about. My advice to you is to tell her in so many words to either get a change of attitude real quick or a change of address and if you lose the weight and she says "Good boy you get sex" tell her to shove it sideways and if need be, go in the bathroom and get yourself off. At least you won't have to beg your hand for relief. You don't need to have someone make you feel inadequate. This really pisses me off!! Sorry for the rant friend.

[oldshirt]

Unsure.

 

let me ask this. What is your wife's weight? Can she stand to lose a few pounds? Does she keep herself in tip top shape? I find it really shi!!y that you are being blackmailed for sex. Lose 5 pound and happy happy joy joy I'm getting laid. You know what that is? it's pity sex and that is pathetic that you have to jump through hoops for sex. If the shoe was on the other foot and you said something like that to her, bet the house friend one of you would be living someplace else.

 

Time to pull back the reigns and give her something to think about. My advice to you is to tell her in so many words to either get a change of attitude real quick or a change of address and if you lose the weight and she says "Good boy you get sex" tell her to shove it sideways and if need be, go in the bathroom and get yourself off. At least you won't have to beg your hand for relief. You don't need to have someone make you feel inadequate. This really pisses me off!! Sorry for the rant friend.

 

I understand your anger but people can't help what they are attracted to and can't help what turns them off. He was close to 300 lbs so unless he is 6'8" and a professional wrestler he was obese. Depending on his height and body composition he may still be obese at 225. obesity simply isn't sexually attractive to almost all women.

 

There are a few men out there that are attracted to obese women. There are essentially no women that find obese men sexually attractive. There are some that will tolerate it or accept it if he has some other traits and qualities that she likes but as a guy you can't bitch about your woman not finding you desirable if you are significantly over weight and are not taking care of yourself. It just isn't part of the female landscape.

 

To Unsure's credit, he has come along way and deserves some credit and an attaboy' for what he has accomplished but it still may not be enough to light her fire.

 

Yes it's unfair, it's harsh and it's painfull. But it is also a reality. Woman are not attracted to fat. Not a single one of them (ok ok, I am sure there is some outlier out there that is the one unicorn and exception to the rule but it is safe to assume that virtually no women find fat desirable.)

 

While it makes all of us uncomfortable (including me as I do not have a six-pack myself) to know that every extra inch around our waists is a notch off of the desirability ladder, it is important for Unsure to continue to be striving for the best health and vitality that he can in this situation along with a wide variety of other things to be the best man that he can be.

 

It may be a key component in getting his wife interested in him again. It may not and she may be gone for good but the more healthy and fit he is if she leaves for good will drastically impact how well he adapts to the post-divorce market and the quality of his next SO.

[bubbaganoosh]

I understand your anger but people can't help what they are attracted to and can't help what turns them off. He was close to 300 lbs so unless he is 6'8" and a professional wrestler he was obese. Depending on his height and body composition he may still be obese at 225. obesity simply isn't sexually attractive to almost all women.

 

There are a few men out there that are attracted to obese women. There are essentially no women that find obese men sexually attractive. There are some that will tolerate it or accept it if he has some other traits and qualities that she likes but as a guy you can't bitch about your woman not finding you desirable if you are significantly over weight and are not taking care of yourself. It just isn't part of the female landscape.

 

To Unsure's credit, he has come along way and deserves some credit and an attaboy' for what he has accomplished but it still may not be enough to light her fire.

 

Yes it's unfair, it's harsh and it's painfull. But it is also a reality. Woman are not attracted to fat. Not a single one of them (ok ok, I am sure there is some outlier out there that is the one unicorn and exception to the rule but it is safe to assume that virtually no women find fat desirable.)

 

While it makes all of us uncomfortable (including me as I do not have a six-pack myself) to know that every extra inch around our waists is a notch off of the desirability ladder, it is important for Unsure to continue to be striving for the best health and vitality that he can in this situation along with a wide variety of other things to be the best man that he can be.

 

It may be a key component in getting his wife interested in him again. It may not and she may be gone for good but the more healthy and fit he is if she leaves for good will drastically impact how well he adapts to the post-divorce market and the quality of his next SO.

 

Old shirt.

 

I agree with you to a point. Maybe she isn't turned on that he's overweight but if he loses 5 pound and goes from 300 to 295, he'll get sex. You think she's going to notice the 5 pounds? If she loves the man for who he is and how he treats her and takes care of her and his family, then she wouldn't be treating him like a pile of crap and throwing sex at him like throwing a bone to a dog.

 

There are ways to deal with a problem like that. Instead of treating him like ***** and fantasizing about the kid next door, she should be encouraging him and helping him with the weight problem through support and I'll bet the house that she doesn't have the body to be wearing a thong bikini. The woman is flat out ignorant. and before anyone thinks that I'm sticking up for the guy because I'm over weight. I'm 65, and maybe 20 pounds over my normal weight which was 155-60 when I was young. My first wife was not heavy but could have lost some weight and when she did she had my support and I didn't call her a fat a$$ or with hold sex because of it. Sorry for the rant Part 2.

[UnsureHubby]

Thanks everyone.... I confronted the wife tonight about the neighbor. I basically asked her if she was waiting to see if something would come of it and if so just tell me so we can be done already. She looked at me and said she wouldn't be here if she didn't want things to work.

 

I asked if she was really interested in trying to make this work and got the "I just don't have those kind of feelings for you" line and she said she wasn't going to fake it.

 

We talked a bit and I asked her to try, she won't feel the connection we had if she didn't try it... Something like that anyway.

 

She also said if she leaves she is taking the kids with her. I know her dad told her this since he did the same thing. I tried to reason with her on this and know if it ends things are bound to get ugly. She works part time (10-15 hrs/week) and I have a 6 figure income. She doesn't even know what bills we have,must that whenever she needs something there is $$ to buy it.

 

I don't think it is fair to make the kids go without when they don't have too.

 

Either way I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow just to be safe.

 

I am going to hope for the best and plan for the worse.

[UnsureHubby]

Old shirt.

 

I agree with you to a point. Maybe she isn't turned on that he's overweight but if he loses 5 pound and goes from 300 to 295, he'll get sex. You think she's going to notice the 5 pounds? If she loves the man for who he is and how he treats her and takes care of her and his family, then she wouldn't be treating him like a pile of crap and throwing sex at him like throwing a bone to a dog.

 

There are ways to deal with a problem like that. Instead of treating him like ***** and fantasizing about the kid next door, she should be encouraging him and helping him with the weight problem through support and I'll bet the house that she doesn't have the body to be wearing a thong bikini. The woman is flat out ignorant. and before anyone thinks that I'm sticking up for the guy because I'm over weight. I'm 65, and maybe 20 pounds over my normal weight which was 155-60 when I was young. My first wife was not heavy but could have lost some weight and when she did she had my support and I didn't call her a fat a$$ or with hold sex because of it. Sorry for the rant Part 2.

 

She is about 20# over weight, she has lost 20# in the past year or so. I have lost 60 over the past 3 years... I was never skinny, probably 180/190 when I met her.

 

And she is supportive in spurts, every few weeks it fizzles out for a month or 2.

[bubbaganoosh]

Unsure.

 

If she lost 20 and is still 20 over then even though it's not a great deal of weight, people that live in glass houses should not throw stones.

 

Ya know what? I know it's hard to let go. Had to do it myself a couple of times but if it's not there any longer then you don't have anything to hold on to. As far as your children go. As long as you let them know that you love them and you'll be there for them, you'll be ok. Know that for a fact too.

 

Get yourself a good lawyer and shut down your checking and saving account and put it in your name only. Dole out the money to her for the kids and food and tell her that a part time job ain't going to cut it and she better start looking for a job tomorrow. Then put all her belongings in the spare bed room and tell her that she isn't welcome in your bed any longer. Let her get a feel out what her new life will be like. Don't play the nice guy any longer and if you and her need to talk over anything, keep it out of ear shot of your kids. One more thing, Keep it up with the weight loss and get yourself in shape not for her but for yourself. You deserve better than what your getting. Keep your conversations with her to a minimum. If things get heated, go for a walk or a ride and let her sit. Just don't do anything that could cost you in more ways than one.

[orionboxing]

Unsure Hubby, you sound like a good guy. I hope we are getting both sides of the story here.

 

Let's see what you've done here:

 

1. You've provided for her and make more than $100K per year.

2. You've tried to reconcile and make things work.

3. You've done your best to lose weight and better yourself.

 

Let's see what she's done:

 

1. Told you are fat, which you are, but she's 20lbs overweight too. She needs work just like you do. Hypocritical much?

2. Fantasizes about your neighbor who will probably dump her on her ass if he finds someone prettier and thinner.

3. Genuinely treats you like crap.

 

The frame has been lost in this relationship and their is a very slim chance you can get it back. Take Oldshirts advice and step it up even more in the responsibility department. I would give everything you can possibly give to repair this relationship. Go to counseling if you must. Tell her that you are going to fight to save it. At some point, you will realize that it is your best interest to bail and have a happy fulfilling life.

 

FWIW, my ex-wife did not like he fact that I was thin, athletic, had 7% body fat. I'm 6-2, 165 - a former college athlete, and an avid soccer player. I'd say these are desirable physical traits. She got fat and felt self-conscious around me. We rarely had sex.

 

Her current boyfriend is FAT...so it's safe to say that I probably was never her physical type. You cannot change what other people are attracted to.

[1onelove1]

I was going to say work at it until I got to this part:

 

"I woke up at 2am to see her standing out front staring at his house"

 

What the hell?

 

 

Also just a perspective from a wife with a husband who is over 300+ lb for me it was never a physical attraction problem but it became about him not taking care of himself, not caring about his health, not being motivated. Even if he ever were to lose a large amount of it, those years of me begging him to care and get healthy created alot of resentment. Not sure if this is the case for your wife.

[UnsureHubby]

I was going to say work at it until I got to this part:

 

"I woke up at 2am to see her standing out front staring at his house"

 

What the hell?

 

 

Also just a perspective from a wife with a husband who is over 300+ lb for me it was never a physical attraction problem but it became about him not taking care of himself, not caring about his health, not being motivated. Even if he ever were to lose a large amount of it, those years of me begging him to care and get healthy created alot of resentment. Not sure if this is the case for your wife.

 

She has asked me for around 5 years to start exercising again, always pressed that she wanted me around for the kids. I will admit I let my self go for a while and gained weight.

 

About 10 years ago she had miscarriage and it really freaked me out. I wasn't there for her like I should have been. This is when she said she stopped being in love with me and started pushing me away.

 

Thanks again for the support... It feels good to be able to get this out.

[UnsureHubby]

So it has been a few days since the wife agreed that we need to work together. She has been showing some affection, sleeping together (actually cuddling up to me), and overall being nice to each other.

 

We had a date planned for tonight which I found out this morning is off since our oldest needs quality time with my father in-law... We rescheduled for Saturday afternoon if we can get a sitter.

 

I hate to say it but although she is showing affection it feels forced... Kissing is a quick peck on the lips like you give your kid before bedtime... I am trying to be affectionate in subtle ways, brush the hair off her face, foot and shoulder massages, Keeping eye contact when we are talking.

 

My optimism is fading, I know it takes time but I am starting to believe that once a woman closes her heart to a man there isn't a good chance of getting it back.

[UnsureHubby]

I think when you hear this -> "That night she told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore" that is usually the beginning of the end. Not sure how there is a way back from that.

 

Clearly your wife is confused. You met VERY young and she might feel she has missed out, hence (one of the reasons) her longing for other men. Another may be neglect. The excerise stuff is all an excuse. If she is not at your case for that it will be the housework, if not the housework it will be something else. It doesn't matter how many hoops you jump through, there will probably always be something wrong. Why? Because right now she is not happy and rightly or wrongly blames you for it.

 

On the other side of the coin she has spend a HUGE part of her life with you. Shared many ups and downs with you. It's not easy to walk away. Security is a big deal in life and going back out there and leaving that security blanket can be a VERY scary and daunting thing.

 

I think you need to take a step back. What is going to happen is going to happen. Right now you are trying to force things. You are walking on eggshells. This never works. Just try to be as relaxed as possible around her. Have you suggested counselling? If you have what did she say to the idea? If I were you that would be my main priority. Sometimes we need a little help from the outside and this might make all the difference.

 

Also buy the book Womens Infidelity by Michelle Langley. It might give you a better ideas of what she is thinking.

 

I asked if we could goto counseling.. She said yes but then pushed back when I asked if she was ready to make an appointment.

 

Today she took the kids to the park with the neighbor, I know she said there is nothing there but I'm not comfortable with it right now... I'm afraid to ask her not to see him until we get things worked out since she says I'm trying to control her. When I got to change for the gym she ignored me, I asked if she would like a kiss and she said no, I said your loss and left for the gym.

 

I think it is time to just move on, I'm just afraid she is going to take my girls. She said it the other day "if I leave I'm taking the girls with me" this leaves me with only 1 option... File divorce and get am order to keep the girls in the house.

 

If I move out I would end up paying for 2 households since she makes so little money. I just put $20k into the house and saved for years to buy it. I bought the house before we got married. (Engaged for years married for only 4) and would hate to just move out.

 

My thought is she wants out she should leave.

[UnsureHubby]

Unfortunately I was right.. She told me she used the neighbor to push me away and there was nothing there. I told her it would hurt to come over or drive by and see the neighbor's truck in the driveway

 

We talked allot last night and figured out how we would separate. It is so odd she says she still and will always love me... There is just no attraction / feelings of intimacy for me at all.

 

We where good friends before dating and I think we still are, I am hurt and feel a bit broken but a friendship is all we have had for years... At least there won't be any resentment or unfilled needs.

 

Now I guess it is time to look for a house close by and put together a list of things I need to buy before I move out.

 

It was so odd, she asked me to sleep in bed and cuddled with me, she told me when we went to bed it wasn't me she just has no desire for intimacy or sexual contact at all anymore, not me or anyone else.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Unfortunately I was right.. She told me she used the neighbor to push me away and there was nothing there. I told her it would hurt to come over or drive by and see the neighbor's truck in the driveway

 

We talked allot last night and figured out how we would separate. It is so odd she says she still and will always love me... There is just no attraction / feelings of intimacy for me at all.

 

We where good friends before dating and I think we still are, I am hurt and feel a bit broken but a friendship is all we have had for years... At least there won't be any resentment or unfilled needs.

 

Now I guess it is time to look for a house close by and put together a list of things I need to buy before I move out.

 

It was so odd, she asked me to sleep in bed and cuddled with me, she told me when we went to bed it wasn't me she just has no desire for intimacy or sexual contact at all anymore, not me or anyone else.

 

I don't think she is being truthful to you, nor does she have any intention to be honest with you as it does not serve her purpose. She says she loves you, yet there is nothing in her actions that say love. She may respect you as a father, she may even care that you are well, but that is a far cry from love. You need to pay less attention to her words and more to her actions.

 

The going to park with the neighbor is an overt action to antagonize you, there is no love in that action. I recommend the follow:

 

1. The 180 approach will keep interaction to a minimum, talk about children and legal matters. Don't be mean or condescending, but emotionally take a break.

2. See an attorney to inform you of your legal rights. When you are ready to file, the more you can agree to, the cheaper the process. Hopefully she will be content to let you do the work.

3. Open a new account for your pay to go into from this point forward. Keep the joint account until someone leaves. Get a new credit card and have it sent to the office as a reserve. When separation occurs the old credit cards get cancelled.

4. Don't confuse money and emotions. You may have an emotional attachment to the current house, but don't let those emotions override the decision to sell if it is the best financial decision. There are plenty of dreams that can be made in a new house.

5. Exercise is good to help relieve the stress and makes for a healthier you. This is something that you need to do for you and not as a carrot to get affection from your wife, which was another lie from her anyway.

6. Stop the cuddling and other signs of affection, she uses these to string you along and keep you in line. If she is telling the truth and is not interested in you physically then all it is going to do is get you more physically frustrated.

[UnsureHubby]

Well she finally told me it is over, there is no saving it and she want me to leave. We disucssed some options and custody arrangements. We where all in agreement around custody until it came down to housing and money... She want me to leave and pay her bills and the house for 2 years then we file for divorce and see what happens.

 

I told her I was not comfortable with that arrangement, that is $2,400/mo and a house I would be giving to the woman who broke my hear and wants out of my life. She proceeded to tell me if she leaves the kids are coming with her and I would have a hard time getting visitation. I offered her $500 every other week, 50/50 custody, and I keep the house.

 

I kept my cool, said we needed a few days to cool down before we started talking again. Monday morning I went and hired a lawyer that I have been talking to, bought the book 10 mistakes men make in divorce, and generally am being a nice guy and spending time with my kids.

 

She is still taking them out with the OM when I am at work and asked her to stop, I also asked my lawyer to make it stop, these are family activities and she is disrupting the kids schedules with naps, chores, and lunch with me (I come home for lunch to spend time with the kids and eat healthy)

 

I read the list, I am keeping a journal, signing divorce complaint today... Am I missing something?

[RonaldS]

 

I told her I was not comfortable with that arrangement, that is $2,400/mo and a house I would be giving to the woman who broke my hear and wants out of my life. She proceeded to tell me if she leaves the kids are coming with her and I would have a hard time getting visitation. I offered her $500 every other week, 50/50 custody, and I keep the house.

 

Haha! I would tell her to eff herself.

 

Seriously, guy...it's time for you to take control of the situation. Tell her ' if you want out of the marriage, fine. The door is over there. Best of luck, have fun with the neighbor. I get the kids 50% of the time. If you need a few bucks here and there, I can probably help you if things are cool.'

 

She has completely disrespected and taken advantage of you. Rules are rules, and the rule is, if you want out, you leave.

[GorillaTheater]

Damn it. I typed out a long reply but this place logged me out by the time I hit "submit". Let's see if I can recreate the major points.

 

She is no linger the woman you married. Whether you had any role in that doesn't matter at this point, and I'd suggest you have far less to do with it than you may think. Now, she's your adversary, and these little breadcrumbs of "affection" she's throwing your way have alot more to do with guilt and keeping you pliable than they do with any actual affection. She's obviously doesn't respect you (flaunting the affair in front of your face), and I can't see how she could love you at all if she doesn't respect you. So treat her how she is, a business rival.

 

You're negotiating the business deal of your life, so treat it with the canny, cunning, and objectivity the situation deserves. Observe her from 50,000 feet, and to the extent you're able, take emotion out of it. Calm, cool, and collected. Assume anything you say and do will be used against you.

 

You've been dealt a lousy hand, and for that I'm truly sorry, but you have at least one very good card to play: the "Mister Wonderful Effect", where she's still enamored of the OM and still feeling guilty towards you. Both will pass, and maybe soon, leaving her bitter and hateful towards you beyond your imagination. So push this divorce through as quickly as possible, and make sure your attorney is absolutely on board with that or find another one.

 

If it was me, I'd be willing to shell out for 50-50 custody. She can't take away your most important asset: your ability to make money in the future. You can make more money, but you can't get back the time you lose with your kids. But if you move swiftly, you can minimize the payout. She wants out, and right now she's probably willing to pay for the privelege. Don't lose that important advantage.

 

Speed and calm, brother.

Edited August 6, 2013 by GorillaTheater

[UnsureHubby]

Well things went well today, she apologized and accepted my offer on custody and support. She also agreed to move out.

 

Looks like putting my foot down worked. Odd is she still claims it was a crush and she never expressed her feeling or had a physical affair.. She says it was purely emotional.

 

What a relief, now to get her to sign on the dotted line.