senoritabonita Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) My bf and i met 1.5 years ago. He was nice, sweet, romantic, but then he cheated on me last summer on a trip to thailand. I took the year to forgive him, even if he was not the most remorseful fish in the pot. But, I still have my moments of insanity. Now we are at a distance because we both live in france and now im in canada visiting my family. He comes this Friday to meet my family for the first time. We are moving in together come late August. My problem is...everyday at lunch time his time, i call. I noticed that he wouldnt answer or write me and say he will call after lunch. Even when I had no other time to talk to him. I asked since when lunch was this "untouchable time" since before we'd always talk at lunch. He said it wasnt but he is eating and therefore does not want to talk. I thought that was strange because he always wants to talk during breakfast or dinner why is lunch suddenly such an issue. His response was that he is with people and thus does not want to talk. He also said he doesn't want to speak to me for ten minutes when it is rude. I said what r u talking about, what is one minute to pick up your phone and say hello to me. He said that he is not a "slave to the phone" and does not have it glued to him every second. Yes he does. Of course this becomes a stupid argument, so I tried to accommodate him and not call at lunch. Anyway yesterday i called him thinking he hadnt gone to lunch yet but he was at lunch, and he answers really rudely. He spoke to me as if i were a stranger. I said sorry i just called to say i love you! He said "thank you" i said...ok...goodbye! i heard lots of girls in the backround. He calls me back 30 mins later just to say he loves me. Obviously i brought up his weirdness at lunch and he went crazy saying he told me he loves me (he didn't).... We stopped arguing but i just said how this is not helping me be less paranoid about things. He said he doesn't understand why I make issues of petty things and that there is me and only me. Today i texted him saying good morning. He wrote "hi love you I am at lunch..call u in a while!" what is going on!! Why couldn't he call and show me theres nothing to worry about. Am i just expecting too much or is he an idiot. *Side note* he calls me every night on Skype and we talk for hours until he falls asleep. Other side note, I found he googled two girls from work on his computer. Edited July 31, 2013 by senoritabonita Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I'm sure some people would advise you to "communicate" with him, but you clearly did that, and he's doing a TON of gaslighting and turning things around on you. Not cool. If I were you, I'd stop calling him, and probably drop him altogether. If you aren't ready to go that route, just stop calling him. If he calls, maybe don't answer, or tell him that you're busy and can talk another time, and then don't tell him you love him or say anything sweet. Mirror his actions. If he doesn't shape up pronto, then dump him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMusing Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 he cheated on me last summer on a trip to thailand....he was not the most remorseful fish in the pot. He wasn't remorseful about cheating?!? What? And you took him back? Please tell me I'm mis-reading something in your story, because this sounds really awful. No wonder you're having lingering jealousy issues, if he really didn't help you get over them. I asked since when lunch was this "untouchable time" since before we'd always talk at lunch. he answers really rudely. He spoke to me as if i were a stranger. If he had always asked for no phone calls during lunch, I'd tell you to relax. But changes in behavior/rules are a different story. When did this behavior start? Is this a new job? Or is there some (good) reason why his behavior changed? Regardless, it's not acceptable to treat you rudely simply because you called him. Normally I would tell you to talk to him more. In this case, though, I'm with Treasa: it sounds like you already do try to talk, but he throws you one excuse after another at you. I'd also be skeptical (and hurt), if I were you, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I'd gamble there is something fishy going on. From the sudden "off limits" lunch time talks to him googling women. At best he either wants some free time or is embarassed to talk to you in any emotional way in front of his coworkers, at worst he's interested in one of these coworkers and doesn't want them to know he's in a relationship so he can feel them out. In the worst case scenario I'd gamble these women are the ones he googled. Link to post Share on other sites
AMusing Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Ok, I skimmed over some of your earlier posts. Your boyfriend sounds truly awful, and from what you've written there has never been an extended period in your relationship when you've felt secure and confident. I agree with your family (from one of your threads): dump the dude and move back home. But then it sounds like you've gotten (and ignored) this advice from other posters here for months.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Tell him to cancel the flight on Friday, because he is 'out to lunch'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I just looked at a couple of your other threads. PLEASE get rid of him. If you can't do it, let me know, and I will happily dump him for you. What a dick. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eddyctv Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I have to say, aside from all the cheating nonsense that he pulled on you, I don't like to talk to my girlfriend during lunch either. He is probably surrounded by coworkers and wants to converse with them in a social setting, as opposed to a work setting. Remember, he is with his coworkers all day (Im assuming) and lunch time is time to be social with them. Or, maybe he is just turning his brain off and playing on the internet, and i dont mean in a cheating way - I surf the net during lunch looking up MLB stats hahaha... OK i dont think i am explaining myself clearly, but I seriously DO NOT think anything is going on during his lunch time. Dont sweat it. Link to post Share on other sites
eddyctv Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 At best he either wants some free time or is embarassed to talk to you in any emotional way in front of his coworkers Yes, THIS is what i was trying to say. Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 but I seriously DO NOT think anything is going on during his lunch time. Dont sweat it. You're ignoring some important points here: 1. He has a history of cheating (and lack of remorse to go with that). 2. He's been Googling girls he knows. 3. He never used to mind phone calls at lunch, so why now? 4. He's abrupt when he does answer the phone at lunch AND defensive about it when challenged later. 5. Not willing to say "I love you" when surrounded by other girls at lunch time. Sure, it *could* be all innocent, but the OP has very good reason to be worried IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Looking at the bigger picture - the most important factor in my eyes is that HE cheated, so he should be going out of his way to make the OP feel secure and comfortable. The things that usually apply to couples do not apply here. Things which would normally be acceptable ("I don't like to speak to you at lunch"), are now unacceptable in his position. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and say he isn't cheating this time around - he's still placing higher priority on not being pestered on his lunch break, or petty feelings of embarrassment at not wanting to say "I love you" in front of others, than on the massive amount of damage he inflicted on his relationship and on the feelings of the person he supposedly loves. If he were a decent person, it would be a very small sacrifice to pick up the phone on his lunch breaks, in order to try to fix his mistake. The fact that he is not willing to make such a small sacrifice says everything about his character. OP, I'm with your friends, family, and other posters - dump him! I'd be willing to bet money he will cheat on you again eventually if you stay with him, if he hasn't already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 you need to stop before he break up with you for this. people suppose to enjoy lunch. so you 2. you need to respect that. No, I'm sorry, but I disagree. People aren't supposed to cheat in relationships. It's now his responsibility to do whatever it takes to fix things if he wants the relationship to carry on - including taking her phone calls at lunch, if that's what she requires to feel better about his cheating, regardless of his own personal feelings on such phone calls. If he doesn't feel like he can make this sacrifice, he should man up and end things (something which I hope the OP will do anyway). Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 OP, as someone else said, how on earth do you expect to handle the bigger difficulties of a relationship/marriage (if it comes to that?) He does not want to acknowledge you to others, you fought over making your relationship "public" on Facebook, he's made his disdain for Canada clear. I do not know what you are getting out of this relationship, please explain it to me. You are young and seeing the world, not something everyone gets a chance to do! He is obviously looking to expand his horizons sexually, and thinks nothing of maintaining intimate relationships with exes. Get a grip and dump him. Live YOUR life! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author senoritabonita Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Hey guys, I really appreciate all the feedback! Also I appreciate how you've gone into the archives and researched more about this situation! ahah Well, I approached him about it again ..first I ignored his calls all day, then he wrote to me saying I could have taken 2 minutes to talk to him today. When I told him how I felt, and that either he considers my feelings or forgets me, he said to me that we can talk tomorrow because on his end the phone calls are finished and that I am truly ridiculous, living in a dream world. I said I was done with the conversation. I know lunch is no big deal but he is making it one by being this way, and exactly as you all said, by cheating he has to go the extra mile. He obviously doesn't want to. I know that I SHOULD break up with him but now he is coming to Canada, my parents are getting the house ready as though the royal baby is coming to town. I feel so guilty for all of this, especially since he doesn't even care enough to pick up the phone at lunch. Am I overreacting though Link to post Share on other sites
Author senoritabonita Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) Yes, THIS is what i was trying to say. I agree with your opinion, but he can at least say this no! Instead he is coming up with every excuse in the book. 1. I don't like to talk while eating- not true 2. I am with people - never a problem before 3. Todays beauty,... I have no signal *he is eating OUTSIDE* I have said we need to communicate and that I deserve an explanation of why he cant speak to me infront of people. I obviously did not expect him to say I love you infront of them, but he COULD excuse himself for a minute and say good morning to me...or he could tell me it is embarrassing. I don't see the big deal here. Edited July 31, 2013 by senoritabonita Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Dump the jerk!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Please, fer chrissakes, DUMP THE JERK!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Hey guys, I really appreciate all the feedback! Also I appreciate how you've gone into the archives and researched more about this situation! ahah Well, I approached him about it again ..first I ignored his calls all day, then he wrote to me saying I could have taken 2 minutes to talk to him today. When I told him how I felt, and that either he considers my feelings or forgets me, he said to me that we can talk tomorrow because on his end the phone calls are finished and that I am truly ridiculous, living in a dream world. I said I was done with the conversation. I know lunch is no big deal but he is making it one by being this way, and exactly as you all said, by cheating he has to go the extra mile. He obviously doesn't want to. I know that I SHOULD break up with him but now he is coming to Canada, my parents are getting the house ready as though the royal baby is coming to town. I feel so guilty for all of this, especially since he doesn't even care enough to pick up the phone at lunch. Am I overreacting though I emphasized where you screwed up. When he complained, you should have told him that you don't want to be a "slave to the phone." Sweetly. All nice, like what you're saying is perfectly reasonable after not taking any of his calls all day. When you lose control of your emotions is when he sees the signal to jerk you around. When you keep tight control over yourself and leave him wondering, he's more likely to behave properly. All that being said, GOD what an *******!! He sounds like one of my exes. In fact, just reading this post made me want to find and punch someone. Please dump him. I don't care what his plans are or what your parents are doing. Tell your parents you appreciate it, but that he's a dick to you, and that they should cease preparations. Honestly, I wouldn't even tell this guy that we were done. He said the phone calls on his end were finished. All you have to do is stop the contact on your end, and it's an easy peasy ending. P.S. - I still want to punch him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Please, fer chrissakes, you REALLY need to DUMP THE JERK!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 You have two choices at this point. Listen to TaraMaiden's advice, or listen to mine. Only you can choose. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 (I'm not getting through here, am I?) Come to think of it, none of us are. She don't care. He's coming over Friday, her family hates him, but she's kinda getting used to the 'Mrs Doormat' title. In fact, she may even be practising her signature, right now....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 and exactly as you all said, by cheating he has to go the extra mile. He obviously doesn't want to.... I know that I SHOULD break up with him but now he is coming to Canada, my parents are getting the house ready as though the royal baby is coming to town. I feel so guilty for all of this, especially since he doesn't even care enough to pick up the phone at lunch. Am I overreacting though Are we?? Call him. Better yet, just text him. Tell him, "You're dumped". Tell him to not bother getting that plane, because there will be nobody to meet him at the airport, and he can just turn round and go straight home again. Tell your parents you've dumped him. Go out tonight, and celebrate. End this total farce now, before you get yourself into real bother. jeesh, woman!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I know that I SHOULD break up with him If you know you should, then do it. but now he is coming to Canada Not relevant. my parents are getting the house ready as though the royal baby is coming to town. Also not relevant. I feel so guilty for all of this Don't feel guilty. Relationships end all the time. I'm sure if your parents knew all the facts they wouldn't care that they spent a bit of time getting the house ready - they'd be glad that their daughter is no longer dating someone unworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
forgetmenot75 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Cancel the trip. You need to cancel that trip and dump him ASAP. He's a jerk. Don't go nc before dumping him. Tell him: go f*** yourself, you and your phone-lunch-idiot issues. Tell him you are not delusional, he thinks you're dumb. Let him know you are not. Cancel the trip, dump him and go no contact. Tell him if he wants to talk to you it need to be at lunch time, otherwise you won't reply. What a jerk, I really hope you can dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 She'll be back in a week, telling us all about what a complete and total douchebag moron he was during his visit, and what should she do....? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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