MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[Pierre]

If it's a moot point why is it always being brought up and used like a stick to beat OW with?

 

 

 

IMO, most single APs use the "sexless at home" excuse to justify the affair. Because of these frequents statements regarding "sexless" the betrayed women retaliate.

 

I still believe it is moot because the single APs can never know for sure. The important point is that the "I am sexless at home" is a very effective tool to get extramarital sex. Whether the cheating married AP is sexless or not is moot as long as the ploy works.

[BrokenPrincess]

No one can say for sure that all of these MM are having sex with their Ws. I look at the posters in other sections here and in other forums. There are hundreds and hundreds of posters anonymously talking about their sexless Ms. Not about As. About sexless Ms. Somewhere along the line there are a lot of people not having sex.

 

^^^^Exactly!

 

My xMM did not claim to have a sexless M, but after 20 years, it was infrequent. I know there was at least a 3 month dry spell at one point (way before our A). However, his best friend had a sexless M that included no sex for 8 years and sleeping in separate bedrooms. There was no infidelity on either side but they had young kids and were trying to stick it out co-parenting, but they finally D in their late 30s.

[Silly_Girl]

IMO, most single APs use the "sexless at home" excuse to justify the affair.

 

Not true. The majority of OW I have seen on here and other forums answer the 'is the A about sex alone?' question with a resounding NO!

 

There was one thread fairly recently.

[Pierre]

Not true. The majority of OW I have seen on here and other forums answer the 'is the A about sex alone?' question with a resounding NO!

 

There was one thread fairly recently.

 

I don't expect any AP to say the affair is about sex. But, there are a lot threads where OW said I was just looking for sex and then feelings developed. But, it does not matter. The point is that the phrase is a calling card, a probe to see if the OW candidate is receptive.

[So happy together]

I think I posted in the wrong place. I can't tell.

Edited August 1, 2013 by So happy together

[Silly_Girl]

I don't expect any AP to say the affair is about sex. But, there are a lot threads where OW said I was just looking for sex and then feelings developed. But, it does not matter. The point is that the phrase is a calling card, a probe to see if the OW candidate is receptive.

 

Really? Surely things are at a certain 'point' before "we don't have sex" comes up. So can't see it as a calling card as such.

 

I thought the usual cliché was 'my wife doesn't understand me'

[So happy together]

But you are engaged to a man who cheated on his wife? And now you're saying you dont believe in excusing cheating? Does not compute.

 

I apologize. I was trying to respond to this and I don't know what happened. I'll try again.

 

I believe there are aspects of a relationship that, when they occur, make infidelity look appealing to someone. If those things are happening in a relationship, that could be a problem. I'm not saying it is an EXCUSE. I am saying it is a reason, that it helped that person make the decision.

 

If you'd read my threads, I am not thrilled that our R began that way, but I wouldn't change it. I own my decision, just as he owns his. AND we were not unhappy in the affair. First of all the horse has left the barn. Secondly, it may have changed what the dynamic of our R is. And I love our R. So there's that.

 

It would have made things easier on his stbxw and his daughter if we had begun seeing one another after he'd left.

 

But, it is what it is. And I do know 'several' people... is it my use of the word several? Would you prefer a few? Multiple? Countless? Hell, there are people ON THIS FORUM that are just fine having a parallel relationship. If you can't handle it, that is not my problem. But don't worry, I won't count your post as a personal attack. Jesus.

 

I have a male friend who is single and has been in a R with a MW for 6 years. He is perfectly content in the R, so is she, they have no intention of changing a thing.

 

I know a woman who is with a man that is M. She is perfectly content also, although she isn't a fan of the W. But in the RELATIONSHIP, she's great.

 

I know another woman who is M and in a R with a MM, they keep their R very private, it is just sex, and they are happy with it. Actually, I know two like this.

 

Then there's the man who had an A... fell in love with his OW, but stayed with his W because he felt oligated. His oldest two daughters never spoke to him again and the OW was torn to shreds by the community and left town. This one was years ago, though.

 

 

These are people that I know IRL, not on a forum.

 

Is that 'plenty' for you?

 

And then there' s me. Those are just off the top of my head.

[So happy together]

And you know this.....how? Oh thats right, b/c he told you. Therefore it must be true?

 

Also, even if he slept on the couch every night, all night - that doesnt prevent them from having sex at other times/places.

 

Question if his wife is so awful (asexual, cold, not affectionate, and non shaven) why does he stay married to her?

 

And this is just ridiculous. We've discussed so many times the different reasons...

 

Money

Children

Standing in the community

Fear of change

Religious reasons.

 

Sorry, just because someone 'stays' does not mean they are having sex with their wife.

[So happy together]

Not true. The majority of OW I have seen on here and other forums answer the 'is the A about sex alone?' question with a resounding NO!

 

There was one thread fairly recently.

 

 

I do know a few OW who are in it for just sex... but not many. And they are usually married. Maybe their H is doing it wrong?

[Pierre]

Really? Surely things are at a certain 'point' before "we don't have sex" comes up. So can't see it as a calling card as such.

 

I thought the usual cliché was 'my wife doesn't understand me'

 

You are correct.

 

"my wife does not understand me" comes first. I have the feeling that perhaps the sexless at home comes later. You may be correct, it would be too abrupt to throw that in right away. My mistake!

[cocorico]

The important point is that the "I am sexless at home" is a very effective tool to get extramarital sex. Whether the cheating married AP is sexless or not is moot as long as the ploy works.

 

Really? Is that what worked for you, then? I can't say it would have worked for me. If some man told me he was not having sex with his W my response would by sympathy, not arousal.

 

OTC, I only discovered my H was not having sex with his then-W years into the A. Before that, I just assumed they were.

[scatterd]

I have a friend that rarely has sex with her husband because everytime they have sex she gets an infection she suspects he has cheated but has no proof. If a man is not getting it from his wife it can also be because he is getting it else where. That can go the same for both MM and MW.Also when a person cheats and rarely have sex with their partner it can be by their own doing maybe they are not very good lovers so they do not know how to keep the realationship alive. Their is many reasons for not doing it and many that plaine lie.

[Pierre]

Really? Is that what worked for you, then? I can't say it would have worked for me. If some man told me he was not having sex with his W my response would by sympathy, not arousal.

 

OTC, I only discovered my H was not having sex with his then-W years into the A. Before that, I just assumed they were.

 

I agree with you 100%.

 

 

So why are so many OWs concerned with the "no sex at home" concept?

[cocorico]

OK well if you wanna have your own definition of fact, then so be it.

 

The "fact" is, you werent a witness in their home every day/night so you only know what they have told you.

 

Im not syaing this to convince you he WAS in fact having sex with her, b/c I certainly dont know, and niether you. I'm just pointing out semantic-wise, you do not know it as a fact. You only now what you've been told or read, and there always exists the possibility that information is not the truth.

 

If you believe evidence consists only of either being their, or of being told something by someone, the it is a good thing you are not a detective.

 

And no, my definition of "fact" is not idiosyncratic.

 

1. Knowledge or information based on real occurrences: an account based on fact; a blur of fact and fancy.

2.

a. Something demonstrated to exist or known to have existed: Genetic engineering is now a fact. That Chaucer was a real person is an undisputed fact.

b. A real occurrence; an event: had to prove the facts of the case.

c. Something believed to be true or real: a document laced with mistaken facts.

3. A thing that has been done, especially a crime: an accessory before the fact.

4. Law The aspect of a case at law comprising events determined by evidence: The jury made a finding of fact.

[LilGirlandOW]

That is so disrespectful that he shares that with you? You really want to be with a man that would talk that way about his wife and mother of his kids? Poor poor boundaries but I guess so is having an affair.

 

We can & have talked with eachother about most everything. That actually came up in a conversation regarding how most woman groom that area. I am bisexual, and like to talk about girls.

[LilGirlandOW]

I agree with you 100%.

 

 

So why are so many OWs concerned with the "no sex at home" concept?

 

Its relevant to our mutual agreement.

[Pierre]

I am bisexual, and like to talk about girls.

 

The plot thickens!:cool:

[2sunny]

My MM is a couch sleeper, bought a couch for downstairs rec room for that specifically.

 

I agree every man wont sleep with anything with a vagina.... I know some TMI about BS's lack of "grooming" down there for the past almost decade that makes MM cringe.

 

Why don't you show up at his house unannounced at 2am - just to see if he's "sleeping on his couch"?

 

 

I'd bet you'd be surprised...

 

He lies to her = he lies to you.

 

It gets him what he wants.

[So happy together]

The things you listed arent holding a gun to his head. At the end of the day, the MM who stays is choosing a relationship with both women, over an exclusive relationship with the OW.

 

From another angle, I see time and again on here OW who justify remaining in an affair due to the fact "I love him". The Love is what keeps them suffering, settling for being on the side, the heartache, dealing with the obstacles and guilt involved in being an OW.

 

So why is the OW able to suffer b/c of this great "LOVE" the two of them have, yet the MM is not able to "suffer" through moving, having less income, etc etc . If this amazing love (used to justify the affair) was as intense and great as proclaimed by both parties, the above listed OBSTACLES would be just that - obstalcles to overcome -- not reasons to justify staying in marriage.

 

It doesnt make sense, because ultimately the MM just doesnt want to leave plain and simple.

 

 

I don't think loving someone is justification. And some may suffer, some may not. And I'm sorry if you can't understand that a lot of affairs are a 'great love'. And I listed a few of the reasons men feel caught. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, it does to them. Wanting to leave and feeling they have the power to leave are different.

 

I do understand why you are saying these things... but for me, it just sounds like you trying to tear down what some OW really do feel is their 'great love'. You've no right to try and take that from them.

[Lady2163]

Oh my how this thread has flourished. My 2 cents on the original topic:)

 

I won't go so far as to say xMM had an entirely sex-free marriage but it was low sex. I wasn't privy (nor did I wish to be) to the exact frequency but it wasn't often. To put it bluntly there was another man in the relationship...God. From her mouth to my ears..."sex is for reproduction." Very conservative Christian upbringing, taught that sex was inherently evil, etc. Virgin at marriage (he was not) and never enjoyed it as anything else outside of missionary and intercourse was not permitted...giving or receiving. It made any physicality between them tense. He didn't know how to help her and she began to "pray for him" and his deviant ways long before our affair began. Don't get me wrong, they still loved each other but had very different opinions on the value of sex. I don't know if it was discussed pre-marriage but I very much doubt it (have some reasons for suspecting as much but can't reveal as a bit tmi for this place)..

 

Thanks so much for posting this! I had been struggling to find a way to accurately describe MM situation. God, religion, nice girls don't do that and nice girls definitely don't ENJOY it play a major part in his marriage. It's really hard for some people to understand that when people are bombarded with these beliefs at home, church, Christian school, Christian social activities they are almost impossible to change.

[thefooloftheyear]

Or maybe hes just too effin tired from trying to run two businesses while she doesnt work, and coming home to a dirty house with no food in the refrigerator..

 

Oh, how romantic..Im getting hard just thinking about it...

 

TFY

[Lady2163]

The plot thickens!:cool:

 

 

Oddly enough, I was pretty sure that would be the case...

[So happy together]

That is so disrespectful that he shares that with you? You really want to be with a man that would talk that way about his wife and mother of his kids? Poor poor boundaries but I guess so is having an affair.

 

Just because you don't share everything with your partner doesn't mean WE don't.

 

Jeez... It thought it was all about 'full transparency'... suddenly WE have to have boundaries? Make a decision.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just because you don't share everything with your partner doesn't mean WE don't.

 

Jeez... It thought it was all about 'full transparency'... suddenly WE have to have boundaries? Make a decision.

 

 

Id think if he was "So happy", then he wouldnt bother cutting his ex-w down...What does he or you get out of it? Whats the point? Why not just ride off into the sunset in blissful adulation?

 

TFY

[So happy together]

Id think if he was "So happy", then he wouldnt bother cutting his ex-w down...What does he or you get out of it? Whats the point? Why not just ride off into the sunset in blissful adulation?

 

TFY

 

 

So, you've never said anything to anyone ever about your partner? Right.

 

And he did ride off into the sunset.