MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[threelaurels]

Yup yup yup. 3x a day or more is awesome. Depending on how fast your man "recovers", you can do way more than that. May not be able to walk afterwards, but walking is overrated when you have wobbly legs and a nice comfy bed to lay in, anyway.

 

My normal routine is 1x a day. I can't handle much more than that. My ex was huge. I measured him at 8 1/2 inches, and I am really small/tight down there. Even with lube, it was too much most of the time. I would bleed sometimes, have bruises, and often cry during sex because of the pain. He didn't care

[bentleychic]

That wouldn't even be worth getting undressed for! LOL!

 

Seriously. If your man has quick recovery, you can EASILY make love 3x in a few hours time, much less a whole day. I don't mean wham bam, thank you ma'am, either, but long drawn out, everyone gets a happy ending sex/love making.

[So happy together]

I can see where you'd feel that, but hold on...not so fast! The difference is in the commitment level between a marriage and between 2 people just effing around in an affair. You promise your honor and fidelity and loyalty to one person, the other...not so much! So of course the level of responsibility is according to the amount of commitment present and if you are reconciling a marriage, darn right the WS is REQUIRED to disclose all. It's a betrayal to the spouse to even go there as far as disclosing info to the AP to begin with.

 

And how sad is it that the WS is REQUIRED to disclose all to the BS, but they lovingly and happily share with their OW... very telling.

[Lady2163]

That wouldn't even be worth getting undressed for! LOL!

 

If it was only three minutes, the probably didn't.

[So happy together]

Honey, I am pretty far from vanilla and her relationship makes me 1) question how much is true 2)amazed at how messed up people can be.

 

Why won't you stop attacking her... it's her relationship.

[bentleychic]

My normal routine is 1x a day. I can't handle much more than that. My ex was huge. I measured him at 8 1/2 inches, and I am really small/tight down there. Even with lube, it was too much most of the time. I would bleed sometimes, have bruises, and often cry during sex because of the pain. He didn't care

 

derail

 

This is odd and I mentioned it to my friend the other day and she had no idea, but ex was on the small side of average, maybe smaller and I bled almost every time we had intercourse, even if it only lasted a short time. MM is on the large side and I NEVER bleed or spot, no matter how many hours we go. I have no idea why. Makes no sense to me! I would think it would be the exact opposite.

 

/derail

[threelaurels]

LOL A sex addict? Ohhhhkay.

 

It amazes me that people think 3x a day is so bizarre. Even when I was with (now) exH and hugely pregnant, we were very active...2-3x a day. To some people, that is not abnormal.

 

I realize that everyone has different libidos and that 3x isn't abnormal. What's abnormal is having to coerce your partner into having sex when they don't want to (for legitimate reasons like pain), waking them up in the middle of the night by shoving it in without their consent, and drugging them so that you can have sex as much as you want with them without any resistance.

[HopingAgain]

And how sad is it that the WS is REQUIRED to disclose all to the BS, but they lovingly and happily share with their OW... very telling.

 

Oh, please. We are talking rebuilding requirements here. You know, expecting respect, honestly, loyalty after a betrayal. It's apples and oranges compared to affair bubble nonsense. This is real life, for the grownups.

[LilGirlandOW]

Based on everything you've shared with us, I'm now convinced that this MM of yours is an abuser. Woe to you if you EVER become his "main woman."

 

Also, he is only saying this stuff to try to convince you that he ISN'T sleeping with his wife. How childish, and I hope you aren't foolish enough to believe him.

 

MM treats me like a princess :love:Yesterday he took me to a butterfly conservatory in town...we got to have the whole place to ourselves, he is very sweet to me.

[bentleychic]

I realize that everyone has different libidos and that 3x isn't abnormal. What's abnormal is having to coerce your partner into having sex when they don't want to (for legitimate reasons like pain), waking them up in the middle of the night by shoving it in without their consent, and drugging them so that you can have sex as much as you want with them without any resistance.

 

You are totally correct. It is abnormal, disgusting, immoral (yes, I'll judge on that one), disrespectful and drugging and having sex without your consent (married or not) is also highly illegal.

[PhoenixRise]

And how sad is it that the WS is REQUIRED to disclose all to the BS, but they lovingly and happily share with their OW... very telling.

 

Actually it is only a requirement if WS wants to stay married. Now WS isn't required to stay married, he/she can always leave and happily share with someone else if they want to. But if WS is staying......

 

Nobody is held a gunpoint or chained to the radiator.

[eleanorrigby]

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business. "Honey, I can't reconcile with you until you tell me every single place, time, position, etc"... right.

 

I think the disclosure of personal info is quite different when it occurs between the AP/WS and the WS/BS.

 

There is really no need for the AP to be in the BS's business. On the other hand IME I had an insatiable need to get as many questions answered as possible. I needed those answers at the time just to get my head screwed back on properly. I needed as much info as I could pry out of him so that I could try to make sense of what happened.

 

It's like how people gather together after tornados or earthquakes and go over and over all the minutiae of the event afterwards. "where were you when it hit?" "What were you doing when it hit?" "What happened...?"

[thefooloftheyear]

What a total clusterfck....you all are all over the damn place...

 

TFY

[MissBee]

I think what is apparent, and not surprising, is that those who are in affairs,or at least don't really see a problem with them, usually have issues with boundaries as well. I am not being rude by saying this, it is a genuine observation which makes sense considering an affair is a boundary crossing relationship. Maybe there are studies in existence which document that those in EMRs or those who are most likely to be in an affair and be okay with it, will fall on the side of the scale where boundaries are not as firm, while those who have not participated or would not or feel conflicted in them, have more concrete ideas about boundaries. It's similar to the "black and white" thinking argument...which usually comes from the AP side (albeit most times used out of context); maybe there is truth to it and a correlation between innate boundaries and EMR behaviors, in the sense that, black and white means firmer boundaries, more attention to what is appropriate and inappropriate, a clear understanding of your business vs. others while those who reside in grey land do not as readily see lines of demarcation between themselves and others,what is their business from what isn't etc, so more things for them are acceptable or they don't see how it is a problem versus those on the other end of the spectrum.

Edited August 1, 2013 by MissBee

[HopingAgain]

Actually it is only a requirement if WS wants to stay married. Now WS isn't required to stay married, he/she can always leave and happily share with someone else if they want to. But if WS is staying......

 

Nobody is held a gunpoint or chained to the radiator.

 

Shhh...you're not supposed to tell that WS secret! lol

[jlola]

And how sad is it that the WS is REQUIRED to disclose all to the BS, but they lovingly and happily share with their OW... very telling.

 

 

Partners in crime usually share things they do and love to have a person who will willingly help justify just why they had to screw over the next guy. that's how it works. Nothing loving about it.

 

I had to "screw over my boss because he did XYZ". "I had to beat my neighbor because he did XYZ".

 

"I had to steal money from my mother and buy drugs because she is such a B****. Yells at me all the time and tries to control my life".Meanwhile the accomplice just sits there and goes along with the program and you call that lovingly and happily sharing?

 

So if your child was going around doing something wrong with a "partner" who helped him justity his wrong doing that is ok? I thought we wanted our children to avoid friends who went along with bad behavior?

 

As a parent or a spouse, it would be wrong for you to require he or she disclose information of his wrong doing? Lord have mercy!!!!

 

Disclosing whether to spouse,family or whatever is not wrong.

 

And just because you found an accomplice who is as morally bankrupt as yourself to cheer on your disrespectful behavior does NOT make it a "great love affair".

[HopingAgain]

MM treats me like a princess :love:Yesterday he took me to a butterfly conservatory in town...we got to have the whole place to ourselves, he is very sweet to me.

 

Abusers can be very charming in between times of callousness.

[Lady2163]

MM treats me like a princess :love:Yesterday he took me to a butterfly conservatory in town...we got to have the whole place to ourselves, he is very sweet to me.

 

Yes, and what little I know about your affair and bdsm, even I can see that there are a LOT of daddy/daughter elements to it.

 

Assuming your local bdsm group isn't closed to married cheating and isn't prudish about sex (you'd be surprised) I think you two would fit right in at a function - even better if it is "littles" based.

 

Some people may worry about your safety with this man. I worry that you have a LONG, LONG way to fall if it doesn't work out for you. Relationships with the bdsm element can be even tougher to get over, particularly if you don't have a support network in place.

 

That said, I have a feeling you are so sexually free and uninhibited (both good things as far as I'm concerned), you probably are a breath of fresh air for daddy.

[Quiet Storm]

I think what is apparent, and not surprising, is that those who are in affairs,or at least don't really see a problem with them, usually have issues with boundaries as well. I am not being rude by saying this, it is a genuine observation which makes sense considering an affair is a boundary crossing relationship. Maybe there are studies in existence which document that those in EMRs or those who are most likely to be in an affair and be okay with it, will fall on the side of the scale where boundaries are not as firm, while those who have not participated or would not or feel conflicted in them, have more concrete ideas about boundaries. It's similar to the "black and white" thinking argument...which usually comes from the AP side (albeit most times used out of context); maybe there is truth to it and a correlation between innate boundaries and EMR behaviors, in the sense that, black and white means firmer boundaries, more attention to what is appropriate and inappropriate, a clear understanding of your business vs. others while those who reside in grey land do not as readily see lines of demarcation between themselves and others,what is their business from what isn't etc, so more things for them are acceptable or they don't see how it is a problem versus those on the other end of the spectrum.

 

Yes. And those with poor boundaries often also have poor coping skills. They are more like to try to "escape" from a situation than try to resolve it. They escape with affairs, drugs, alcohol, video game/ internet addictions.

 

Good parents give their kids the tools to cope, and also model good boundaries. Most of these issues stem from FOO.

[HopingAgain]

Partners in crime usually share things they do and love to have a person who will willingly help justify just why they had to screw over the next guy. that's how it works. Nothing loving about it.

 

I had to "screw over my boss because he did XYZ". "I had to beat my neighbor because he did XYZ".

 

"I had to steal money from my mother and buy drugs because she is such a B****. Yells at me all the time and tries to control my life".Meanwhile the accomplice just sits there and goes along with the program and you call that lovingly and happily sharing?

 

So if your child was going around doing something wrong with a "partner" who helped him justity his wrong doing that is ok? I thought we wanted our children to avoid friends who went along with bad behavior?

 

As a parent or a spouse, it would be wrong for you to require he or she disclose information of his wrong doing? Lord have mercy!!!!

 

Disclosing whether to spouse,family or whatever is not wrong.

 

And just because you found an accomplice who is as morally bankrupt as yourself to cheer on your disrespectful behavior does NOT make it a "great love affair".

 

Right. It's an honor among thieves type of scenario.

[BrokenPrincess]

We can & have talked with eachother about most everything. That actually came up in a conversation regarding how most woman groom that area. I am bisexual, and like to talk about girls.

 

Wow! So his wife is just another topic like locker room talk??

 

I wax everything off and the first time xMM had commented that he had never experienced that before, so obviously his W must have some hair but no way on hell do I want to hear him tell me the details of his intimate experience with someone else's nether region!!! It would make me feel jealous and sick!

 

So being bisexual, if your MM tells you about having sex at home, do you feel jealous or aroused?

[So happy together]

because everyone is worried for her. That's why. She needs to get away from this man, away from this situation before her daughter and she get hurt. This is a nightmare not a relationship.

 

That is HER decision. And YOU are not her mother. I'm glad you care. Since when does CARE=ATTACK?

[truthbetold]

MM treats me like a princess :love:Yesterday he took me to a butterfly conservatory in town...we got to have the whole place to ourselves, he is very sweet to me.

 

Lil, the low expectations you have are astonishing to say the least. How about sharing an actual life with someone for the day to day grind, vacations, all day on the holidays, not a couple hours etc, etc. etc.

 

I don't come here often, check in here and there, post even less because, well it seems pointless. I have been called on what my "motive" is because I am happily married. Sometimes it bugs me that I have to qualify that, but IME here, if you don't someone tries to set up straw men to refute what is said.

 

I'll repeat what I've said to past posters for you to get why I am here. Just because I'm not on either side of the OW/BS fence, I have dated my share of losers before meeting my husband. I am pro PEOPLE and women especially and it saddens me to see people waste what little precious time we have on this earth with losers.

 

Yes, I do believe your MM is one of the worst I have read about here. Not just the leaving you for dead (that's huge, Lil I wish you would see that) but the wool that he has pulled so thick around your eyes. You are NEVER going to get your happy ending from here. Regardless if he leaves or not, he's not worthy of your time.

 

For one, his wife being a cop it's likely a dynamic that she wears the pants, but it's not like he didn't know that going in. He very well may like that she can play "mommy" and he can act all bad guy and fantasy with you, but when the rubber hit the road (he left you for dead) he ran home to "mommy" with his tail tucked. To further set up this dynamic, I think everything he has done with you is a big F YOU to her. Here's why, the kids and having you around them. It's only a matter of time before the kids let it slip they were with you. I don't care what kind of bond you may *think* you have with the eldest, but when push comes to shove, you're not above her own mom, you can't seriously be entertaining the thought she will like let alone love you if (when) this all blows to hell.

 

Next, you mentioned when you were here (and it stuck with me in a "oh wow I feel sorry for that poster" kind of way) So even though I didn't post then, I made a small mental note (I don't follow all stories here, just what I guess may be "tragic" because as I've said, I like to help people get out of chitty situations) You said you bought him something engraved and instead of him keeping it as a treasure from you HE GAVE IT TO HIS WIFE FOR HER DESK!!! let that absorb Lil, it's BEYOND disrespectful I can't even begin to fully tell you. It's a huge F YOU again to the wife. This is about him lashing out at HER, whatever they're dynamic he's intimidated by her.

 

All these stories about her lack of grooming etc. besides WAY over the boundaries (guys like that aren't selective in who they spill secrets/lies about) you will be targeted next, guys like that don't change. Anyway it's highly possible they're lies garnered to gain your trust and have you where he wants you. He embellishes his "stories" way too much for a true guy spin on things. It most certainly read that the more detail he gives you the more believable it becomes (so he thinks)

 

Now, even if you would by chance end up with him. You will be miserable. He's shown himself to be a louse. For one he doesn't trust you now. You've said he's extremely jealous. That's nothing to be flattered over. (oh I get it, I used to think that too, the more jealous a guy is, the more they love you) Um, no. A healthy guy will appreciate you being checked out and be proud to be with you, but he won't go all Neanderthal on you. Because there is trust. You guys don't have that. It's obvious because you question him (as you should!!) and because in the end he will never believe that you will be true to him therefore he would make your life a living HELL!

 

I can't emphasize enough how you should RUN! I've likely wasted 15 minutes of my time on this post because you've yet to listen to anyone, but I'm telling you the gift you gave him and he gave it to his wife and LAUGHED about it? Lil, it's bordering on evil, seriously. I hope you see it one day. Realize though the longer you stay in this and get hurt, the more it will be by your own hand, it's your choice to stay in the mess and as someone else said all your :love: about him aren't fooling anyone.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. I wish to wake you up. It seemed you were seeing things, but now seem to be slipping into the land of denial even more rapidly. I do wish you peace and the strength to follow a path to your happiness.

[So happy together]

Oh, please. We are talking rebuilding requirements here. You know, expecting respect, honestly, loyalty after a betrayal. It's apples and oranges compared to affair bubble nonsense. This is real life, for the grownups.

 

Well, I hope you've never discussed your affair with your family, friends, children, coworkers, etc. That would be a betrayal.

[MissBee]

Yes. And those with poor boundaries often also have poor coping skills. They are more like to try to "escape" from a situation than try to resolve it. They escape with affairs, drugs, alcohol, video game/ internet addictions.

 

Good parents give their kids the tools to cope, and also model good boundaries. Most of these issues stem from FOO.

 

How interesting, I decided to look up stuff on boundaries, to see if there is any work out there on what I said, and one of the first things I read said:

 

Poor emotional boundaries cause a different kind of trouble. People with weak emotional boundaries get too close, too fast and reveal too much, too soon. They create chaos in relationships. You’ve probably met someone who shares details that make you a little uncomfortable — like the person who cried over past hurts on a first date.

 

These folks have what psychologists call “poor ego strength.” Ego strength helps us contain our emotions in situations where letting them gush might be inappropriate. Vulnerability and authenticity are great in the right context, but unloading on someone you don’t know very well isn’t a good idea. It can make people uncomfortable and even come off as disrespectful.

 

I decided to look up further what poor/low ego strength is and it says pretty much what you said:

 

A person with little or weak ego-strength lacks resiliency, sticks mostly to what “feels” comfortable to them, and avoids what does not. They tend to hold unrealistic expectations, which are held rigidly in place by emotionally charged core beliefs that activate the body’s stress response, as they are rooted in fear and anxiety.

 

Thinking patterns are out of balance.

 

What does this mean? It can mean, on the one extreme, that the person believes they lack resources, are weak or too fragile to handle certain situations, and on the other extreme, that they believe their pain is greater than others’, or that they are entitled to live a pain-free life. In either case they hold unrealistic expectations that others or life should take their pain away, and seek others, activities or substances that can give them the constant source of comfort and assurance that they believe they need and ‘must’ have to feel okay about themselves and their life.

 

Ego Versus Ego-Strength: The Characteristics of a Healthy Ego and Why It?s Essential to Your Happiness | Neuroscience and Relationships

 

Wow! Seems very similar to the cry on your shoulder,tell you all about my bad life, how unhappy I am and how it's someone else's fault, let me tell you about my bad BS, but I still can't leave deal which the over-sharing MM exhibit in their affairs. So indeed there is a correlation between poor boundaries, divulging too much, and escapism into affairs in the face of issues.

Edited August 1, 2013 by MissBee