MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[So happy together]

Originally Posted by So happy together

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business. "Honey, I can't reconcile with you until you tell me every single place, time, position, etc"... right.

 

 

 

 

That's because you are putting an affair on the same level as a reconciling marriage...in a reconciling marriage the WS has come clean and made a choice, not so in an affair....the triangle is broken when a WS decides to reconcile..

 

Well then. Since MY bf left and is with me, we can discuss whatever WE like.

[HopingAgain]

Well, I hope you've never discussed your affair with your family, friends, children, coworkers, etc. That would be a betrayal.

 

This is so grasping at straws.

[HopingAgain]

Well then. Since MY bf left and is with me, we can discuss whatever WE like.

 

Well, he should have waited if that was the case! If you 2 ever part ways, or God forbid he is unfaithful and with another woman, you can expect him to likely be less than discreet about your personal affairs as well.

[Lady2163]

Truthbetold - I thought that was very well written. You took an opposing view, but you did manage to stay classy and tactful.

 

You didn't bully, demean or force your views. Very...supportive.

[Lady2163]

Well then. Since MY bf left and is with me, we can discuss whatever WE like.

 

Happy has a point - and I'm glad things worked out for her.

[So happy together]

Well, he should have waited if that was the case! If you 2 ever part ways, or God forbid he is unfaithful and with another woman, you can expect him to likely be less than discreet about your personal affairs as well.

 

Lol. First of all, he'll never date anyone else. Second of all, I've nothing to hide. If he wants to tell people that I wax my pubes in the shape of a heart, let him.

[truthbetold]

Lil's relationship is full of flavor. It makes Vanilla heads spin.

 

Except it's not a pleasant flavor! Sorry but I've dabbled in the BDSM world, still enjoy the lighter side of it among other things that are definitely NOT vanilla, and her relationship makes me He's not a nice guy.

 

I disagree that he's not extremely manipulative. To his inappropriate boundaries of telling things he shouldn't (to gain what he wants) to bringing his children around guys that do that AREN'T wired right, to pretty much everything he does being a big eff you to the wife. He has an ulterior motive and it's not keeping Lil's heart safe, it's manipulating her in whatever way he needs to keep giving his wife a F YOU.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I do think that this conversation is like a political discussion where both sides of the isle can argue their side to perfection without swing the others perspective.

 

So...in that vein....can't recall who used the respect the belief that the OW believes she has a great love....ok..ok..I don't like it, but ok.

 

In a Great Love, in a perfectly in sync and connected relationship you can expect to share intimacies, thoughts feelings,pictures. Good times and bad times, times flush with hot animal sex, and times where that didn't happen due to exhaustion, illness, or other reasons. You can expect to fight and make up. It is wonderful and awful.

 

Yes for some OW/OM the relationship was the GREAT LOVE.

 

Can you then respect that for most/some BS their relationship was their GREAT LOVE? Can you respect that during all those times, or some of those times, someone else entered and the GREAT LOVE was lost? It really doesn't matter if it was lost due to lack of sex, boredom, distance, weight gain, lack of personal grooming, laziness, or listening to country music too loud.

 

The pain is great. So Happy...you feel attacked, and I think sometimes you are, and i think because in celebration of your GREAT LOVE you seem to lack the realization that it diminishes your MM's BS GREAT LOVE...and as his designees the BS get ruffled.

 

For other OM/OW the same holds true...the fact that you started a relationship, continued one, met the kids or not, had sex like rabbits or cuddled, talked smack about whomever or not, and even maybe fell in love (and anything along the spectrum) is to not respect the GREAT LOVE of that marriage.

 

And at the very core of this seems to be....when that happened, was happening...did you care? Did your wants override?

 

Is it a morality thing? Yeah...I guess...because I don't believe in intentionally, knowingly causing harm to another. Even if they listen to country music too loud.

[So happy together]

Well, he should have waited if that was the case! If you 2 ever part ways, or God forbid he is unfaithful and with another woman, you can expect him to likely be less than discreet about your personal affairs as well.

 

You know, let me answer this sincerely...

 

He was leaving the marriage. He was coming to terms with how unhappy he was and it was difficult. He needed to sort through his issues with his marriage. He needed to make sense of things. I'm his best friend. It made sense for him to tell me. And I never said anything negative to him about any of it. I vent here, but I don't say bad things about her.

[MissBee]

Well, he should have waited if that was the case! If you 2 ever part ways, or God forbid he is unfaithful and with another woman, you can expect him to likely be less than discreet about your personal affairs as well.

!!!

 

And that's what I look at. My exAP and I had a chance to have an honest go, and in weighing it, he scored lots of points and trust by me witnessing how discreet he was about his relationship, how he never said a bad word about her, even though he is human and probably had his complaints, never showed me anything from their relationship...as I did NOT need to and wasn't entitled to it...as sorry, in a marriage esp, the two become one, no matter how jacked up it gets, so there is no such thing as him telling about the marriage and it not being disrespectful to the other party who is part of that union. We were very close and intimate and shared, but he didn't share things with me which were about her, as he was respectful. If it was about him only...he shared away though. Me knowing if she was a good or bad lay or reading their arguments would have NOT aided our relationship one bit, but would be him being petty. Thus, in choosing to give him a chance, I saw from experience that he at least valued the privacy of the separate relationships and I could rest assured, even if God forbid he cheated on me, the OW would have ZERO on me, because he'd give her no ammunition.

 

Affairs are hurtful as is, but certain things do add insult to injury: for me the divulging of my business, having an OW read my messages to you, watching videos of me etc are just some whole other shyt. Likewise involving my children or bringing this person into MY home. Anyway, to each her own, I find a man like that tacky and a turn-off, because I value discretion and self-containment, but if over-sharing about his intimate relationship with his wife or ex wife or ex gf is what makes you feel close and intimate, have at it! Over-sharers however over-share not because people are special, but because such is their nature.

[truthbetold]

Lady2163

 

Thank you for your kind words. I think you meant the post I quoted tongue in cheek. I meant no disrespect. I just am seriously worried for this girl. I fear with their dynamic, the wife being a cop. This has SNAPPED written all over it. I've seen episodes of dateline with less ammo.

 

People have warned Lil, but I think she thinks the wife knows and is turning a blind eye. I think he's likely lying his a$$ off so he can stay in the comfort of his home. I seem to remember the wife's family has money. The fact she is a cop just makes me and some more where I just get

 

Seriously there's a reason they're called blue bloods. They're FAMILY cops, and they will have her back. She can get away with crap others cannot and the fact Lil has messed with her kids?!?! I'm a pretty calm person but don't effin TOUCH my kids!! I will totally go into ninja mode if anyone screws with my kids. Most moms feel that way about their kids in general, let alone a high adrenaline situation as this. Okay, I guess I can't emphasize it enough even though it's falling on deaf ears.

[HopingAgain]

You know, let me answer this sincerely...

 

He was leaving the marriage. He was coming to terms with how unhappy he was and it was difficult. He needed to sort through his issues with his marriage. He needed to make sense of things. I'm his best friend. It made sense for him to tell me. And I never said anything negative to him about any of it. I vent here, but I don't say bad things about her.

 

I understand that the end of a marriage is a lonely place, and I can even understand the need for a confidant in that scenario. But the fact that MM is or was comfortable in that instance with divulging such personal intimate info that should stay between the 2 of them, and make excuse it should be of some concern to you. Its a boundary issue that maybe the 2 of you could at least explore.

[HopingAgain]

[/b]

!!!

 

And that's what I look at. My exAP and I had a chance to have an honest go, and in weighing it, he scored lots of points and trust by me witnessing how discreet he was about his relationship, how he never said a bad word about her, even though he is human and probably had his complaints, never showed me anything from their relationship...as I did NOT need to and wasn't entitled to it...as sorry, in a marriage esp, the two become one, no matter how jacked up it gets, so there is no such thing as him telling about the marriage and it not being disrespectful to the other party who is part of that union. We were very close and intimate and shared, but he didn't share things with me which were about her, as he was respectful. If it was about him only...he shared away though. Me knowing if she was a good or bad lay or reading their arguments would have NOT aided our relationship one bit, but would be him being petty. Thus, in choosing to give him a chance, I saw from experience that he at least valued the privacy of the separate relationships and I could rest assured, even if God forbid he cheated on me, the OW would have ZERO on me, because he'd give her no ammunition.

 

Affairs are hurtful as is, but certain things do add insult to injury: for me the divulging of my business, having an OW read my messages to you, watching videos of me etc are just some whole other shyt. Likewise involving my children or bringing this person into MY home. Anyway, to each her own, I find a man like that tacky and a turn-off, because I value discretion and self-containment, but if over-sharing about his intimate relationship with his wife or ex wife or ex gf is what makes you feel close and intimate, have at it! Over-sharers however over-share not because people are special, but because such is their nature.

 

 

Right, and it boils down to, can I trust this person both in good AND bad times? If they get mad at me or decide we aren't right for one another, will they at least honor the bond we HAD, or will they tell all my secrets and treat me like a non person?

[Lady2163]

Lady2163

 

Thank you for your kind words. I think you meant the post I quoted tongue in cheek. I meant no disrespect. I just am seriously worried for this girl. I fear with their dynamic, the wife being a cop. This has SNAPPED written all over it. I've seen episodes of dateline with less ammo.

 

People have warned Lil, but I think she thinks the wife knows and is turning a blind eye. I think he's likely lying his a$$ off so he can stay in the comfort of his home. I seem to remember the wife's family has money. The fact she is a cop just makes me and some more where I just get

 

Seriously there's a reason they're called blue bloods. They're FAMILY cops, and they will have her back. She can get away with crap others cannot and the fact Lil has messed with her kids?!?! I'm a pretty calm person but don't effin TOUCH my kids!! I will totally go into ninja mode if anyone screws with my kids. Most moms feel that way about their kids in general, let alone a high adrenaline situation as this. Okay, I guess I can't emphasize it enough even though it's falling on deaf ears.

 

I meant the long ne - post 229, that's why I didn't quote it, since it was long.

[So happy together]

I understand that the end of a marriage is a lonely place, and I can even understand the need for a confidant in that scenario. But the fact that MM is or was comfortable in that instance with divulging such personal intimate info that should stay between the 2 of them, and make excuse it should be of some concern to you. Its a boundary issue that maybe the 2 of you could at least explore.

 

Yes, but I'm not sure you understand. He wasn't talking to me about positions, sex,etc. It was her alcoholism, her inability to function. The lack of sex, yes. But he didn't talk about her in a personal way. Well, I mean, I know what he told me was personal, but he didn't discuss their specific relationship. the only thing I did see was the emails where she admitted to not wanting to have sex (for 12 years) because of her weight. He said to her that he did not care about her weight. And I'm not a skinny person. I'm not a cow, but I have curves.

 

His feelings were about her actions regarding self harm, refusal to get self help etc.

 

However, having said this, I still don't think it's okay to attack Lil. Of course it's okay to try and help her if we feel she needs it, and to support her in her decision and be there for her. But these snide, sh*tty remarks toward her, are not necessary.

 

I know I ruffle feathers. I'm okay with that. I can take the criticism. I know that at the end of the day I'm where I want to be. But this attitude of we OW/FOW being horrible selfish people in relationships that are not about love is just unfair and not true. I defend my feelings on that.

 

Thanks for listening.

[MissBee]

Right, and it boils down to, can I trust this person both in good AND bad times? If they get mad at me or decide we aren't right for one another, will they at least honor the bond we HAD, or will they tell all my secrets and treat me like a non person?

 

Yepp...that's it for me too.

 

If you are out of love with me and don't want to be with me anymore, that is fine, but it's HOW you go about it which says a lot about you.

 

I have more understanding admittedly for you leaving your spouse and doing this; however, what's worse are those who stay married but keep doing the over-sharing.

[krazikat]

Lady2163

 

Thank you for your kind words. I think you meant the post I quoted tongue in cheek. I meant no disrespect. I just am seriously worried for this girl. I fear with their dynamic, the wife being a cop. This has SNAPPED written all over it. I've seen episodes of dateline with less ammo.

 

People have warned Lil, but I think she thinks the wife knows and is turning a blind eye. I think he's likely lying his a$$ off so he can stay in the comfort of his home. I seem to remember the wife's family has money. The fact she is a cop just makes me and some more where I just get

 

Seriously there's a reason they're called blue bloods. They're FAMILY cops, and they will have her back. She can get away with crap others cannot and the fact Lil has messed with her kids?!?! I'm a pretty calm person but don't effin TOUCH my kids!! I will totally go into ninja mode if anyone screws with my kids. Most moms feel that way about their kids in general, let alone a high adrenaline situation as this. Okay, I guess I can't emphasize it enough even though it's falling on deaf ears.

 

Ya, she is playing with fire. This is not going to end well for lil. I gave up commenting to her directly, she has her eyes wide shut. She is going to have to learn the hard way.

 

And I wouldnt be surprised if, when the ish hits the fan, bs is able to access all these posts lil has made.

[So happy together]

I don't think anyone has attacked Lil per se, more like her relationship and her MM... and even in that regard the things people say to her are tame. Take her story out to the Dating section of these forums and she'll be torn apart.

 

So... that is your justification? That we are kinder here? Damn... I would respectfully disagree. We are not the kindest lot to one another. And if another forum is more mean, that is still no excuse.

[Lady2163]

I do think that this conversation is like a political discussion where both sides of the isle can argue their side to perfection without swing the others perspective.

 

So...in that vein....can't recall who used the respect the belief that the OW believes she has a great love....ok..ok..I don't like it, but ok.

 

In a Great Love, in a perfectly in sync and connected relationship you can expect to share intimacies, thoughts feelings,pictures. Good times and bad times, times flush with hot animal sex, and times where that didn't happen due to exhaustion, illness, or other reasons. You can expect to fight and make up. It is wonderful and awful.

 

Yes for some OW/OM the relationship was the GREAT LOVE.

 

Can you then respect that for most/some BS their relationship was their GREAT LOVE? Can you respect that during all those times, or some of those times, someone else entered and the GREAT LOVE was lost? It really doesn't matter if it was lost due to lack of sex, boredom, distance, weight gain, lack of personal grooming, laziness, or listening to country music too loud.

 

The pain is great. So Happy...you feel attacked, and I think sometimes you are, and i think because in celebration of your GREAT LOVE you seem to lack the realization that it diminishes your MM's BS GREAT LOVE...and as his designees the BS get ruffled.

 

For other OM/OW the same holds true...the fact that you started a relationship, continued one, met the kids or not, had sex like rabbits or cuddled, talked smack about whomever or not, and even maybe fell in love (and anything along the spectrum) is to not respect the GREAT LOVE of that marriage.

 

And at the very core of this seems to be....when that happened, was happening...did you care? Did your wants override?

 

Is it a morality thing? Yeah...I guess...because I don't believe in intentionally, knowingly causing harm to another. Even if they listen to country music too loud.

 

I can absolutely accept the fact that WS may have been BS great love affair. Whether or not they were still having sex, limited sex or even a sexless marriage.

 

As related to the original topic.

 

But I wouldn't go on a BS forum and make them feel awful for no longer having sex with their WS. Know your audience. I wouldn't go near a BS forum and talk about how content I was in my relationship with MM.

 

I keep using the word masochistic.

[So happy together]

I can absolutely accept the fact that WS may have been BS great love affair. Whether or not they were still having sex, limited sex or even a sexless marriage.

 

As related to the original topic.

 

But I wouldn't go on a BS forum and make them feel awful for no longer having sex with their WS. Know your audience. I wouldn't go near a BS forum and talk about how content I was in my relationship with MM.

 

I keep using the word masochistic.

 

I'm guilty of doing this on this very forum...

[HopingAgain]

Yes, but I'm not sure you understand. He wasn't talking to me about positions, sex,etc. It was her alcoholism, her inability to function. The lack of sex, yes. But he didn't talk about her in a personal way. Well, I mean, I know what he told me was personal, but he didn't discuss their specific relationship. the only thing I did see was the emails where she admitted to not wanting to have sex (for 12 years) because of her weight. He said to her that he did not care about her weight. And I'm not a skinny person. I'm not a cow, but I have curves.

 

His feelings were about her actions regarding self harm, refusal to get self help etc.

 

However, having said this, I still don't think it's okay to attack Lil. Of course it's okay to try and help her if we feel she needs it, and to support her in her decision and be there for her. But these snide, sh*tty remarks toward her, are not necessary.

 

I know I ruffle feathers. I'm okay with that. I can take the criticism. I know that at the end of the day I'm where I want to be. But this attitude of we OW/FOW being horrible selfish people in relationships that are not about love is just unfair and not true. I defend my feelings on that.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Living with an alcoholic is not easy at all. It can be frustrating, lonely, and isolating. It was in those types of conditions that my own affair sprang from years ago before I left my ex. That said, it is easy for a MW or MM to make their AP into a therapist of sorts, and unload all types of personal details from another intimate relationship onto. It isn't fair, to the person they are talking about OR to the person who they are expecting to help "fix it" (the AP). It really boils down to the WS being able to self soothe and not betray others in unhealthy ways in order to make themselves feel better.

 

About the situation with Lil, I don't think she should be treated badly, especially not as a person. But the situation...Good God, the situation is bad! And it is so bad as to where a person feels like they should run in and carry her out of it, like a firefighter saving someone from a burning house. I think that is why some react so strongly here to what she shares. It's so clear to many of us what is happening and likely WILL happen, even worse, but not to her and I think the wake up call before its too late is much needed in her case.

[Lady2163]

Yes, but I'm not sure you understand. He wasn't talking to me about positions, sex,etc. It was her alcoholism, her inability to function. The lack of sex, yes. But he didn't talk about her in a personal way. Well, I mean, I know what he told me was personal, but he didn't discuss their specific relationship. the only thing I did see was the emails where she admitted to not wanting to have sex (for 12 years) because of her weight. He said to her that he did not care about her weight. And I'm not a skinny person. I'm not a cow, but I have curves.

 

His feelings were about her actions regarding self harm, refusal to get self help etc.

 

However, having said this, I still don't think it's okay to attack Lil. Of course it's okay to try and help her if we feel she needs it, and to support her in her decision and be there for her. But these snide, sh*tty remarks toward her, are not necessary.

 

I know I ruffle feathers. I'm okay with that. I can take the criticism. I know that at the end of the day I'm where I want to be. But this attitude of we OW/FOW being horrible selfish people in relationships that are not about love is just unfair and not true. I defend my feelings on that.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

MM has never said anything nasty about BS. He doesn't complain about ANYONE - it's awfully refreshing.

 

He was matter of fact about lack of variety in the bedroom. Not mean, not overly descriptive.

One time he commented she spends too much money. But he thinks clothes, shoes, purses, junk jewelry are all frivolous things, so I think he is a bit tight.

[Lady2163]

I'm guilty of doing this on this very forum...

 

I'm not sure what your guilty of but from what I've seen all your stuff is ow/om relevant. I think this is the right place.

[HopingAgain]

Lady2163

 

Thank you for your kind words. I think you meant the post I quoted tongue in cheek. I meant no disrespect. I just am seriously worried for this girl. I fear with their dynamic, the wife being a cop. This has SNAPPED written all over it. I've seen episodes of dateline with less ammo.

 

People have warned Lil, but I think she thinks the wife knows and is turning a blind eye. I think he's likely lying his a$$ off so he can stay in the comfort of his home. I seem to remember the wife's family has money. The fact she is a cop just makes me and some more where I just get

 

Seriously there's a reason they're called blue bloods. They're FAMILY cops, and they will have her back. She can get away with crap others cannot and the fact Lil has messed with her kids?!?! I'm a pretty calm person but don't effin TOUCH my kids!! I will totally go into ninja mode if anyone screws with my kids. Most moms feel that way about their kids in general, let alone a high adrenaline situation as this. Okay, I guess I can't emphasize it enough even though it's falling on deaf ears.

 

I have been thinking the exact same thing and bit my tounge so many times, but sometimes I just can't. In fact, I referenced Snapped to this situation the other day. And the fact that the wife is a cop? Fuggadeaboutit! It's going to be B-A-D- when it all comes out. I am actually afraid for Lil in this situation, and we all know the MM is gonna pull a Joey Battafuco and act like he did nothing at all wrong, will probably turn completely against Lil in order to get out of the way of the wrath of his wife.

 

When I think about this, the saying keeps coming into my head: Some people learn from their mistakes, those that don't, end up serving as a warning to others.

[So happy together]

I'm not sure what your guilty of but from what I've seen all your stuff is ow/om relevant. I think this is the right place.

 

I tend to get defensive when BS's attack me and I throw things back at them... it's not even a 'not like' thing... It's just that if anyone says anything to me that is negative over there, I'm all over it. I should probably say here. Where it's warm. Lol