MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[truthbetold]

As far as intimacy my MM is more into the kissing/cuddling/intimate touches over sex. As great as our sex life is, his ideal time spent with me would more involve sitting on his lap, cuddling in his arms and sweet kisses, chatting and joking around.

 

I'm just speechless. And it doesn't happen often. It's like you are a little girl and stick your fingers in your ears and sing lalalala. BTW the latest depiction doesn't help your cause. You guys both have a warped vision of love and it's sad. Yes, it's normal to sit on your love's lap and cuddle etc, etc, etc, but not WITH EVERYTHING ELSE!

 

After everything we have poured out to you and this is what you post back. Nothing to say any lights are on and anyone's home? I guess not.

 

Perhaps this helps someone else then.

[truthbetold]

You know, as much as this thread has flown the coop, it's been a great thread.

 

And that's the cool thing. It was like united we stand. Even though there have been posters that have disagreed with each otherwe all had this common vision to help one lost soul. Too bad it's over her head and will now be her very sad lesson to learn.

 

But I still will continue on with my motto. Trying to help one person by one action at a time.

[canuckprincess]

He has a lot of sweet names for me, his little girl being the main one.

 

I'm sorry but your mm sounds creepy.

[HopingAgain]

I'm sorry but your mm sounds creepy.

 

Yep. It's like something out of a bad Lifetime movie. I alternate between being in disbelief at his behavior and the bold disrespect of it all, and thinking we are being Punk'd or Catfished at the whole story.

[whichwayisup]

He has a lot of sweet names for me, his little girl being the main one.

 

Sorry I can't remember, but is there an age difference between the two of you? This kind of makes me think it's daddy/daughter thing - That closeness that you desire maybe you didn't get growing up or throughout your life and you crave that closeness now. A grown man calling his wife or his OW "his little girl" is a bit odd. I'm not judging, it just means that there could be other reasons as to why you're clinging to him this way and having so many issues letting go/ending the A.

[georgia girl]

I really wasn't going to jump in on this one, but...

 

The reason I post here is because I believe in women. Strong, smart, successful and EMPOWERED women.

 

The fantasy of escape - of returning to be a little girl where someone cossetts and protects you - can be enticing, especially after a brutal day of wars in whatever commercial jungle or family/divorce dilemma you find yourself in. But its rarely healthy and as others posters have noticed, may be downright unsafe.

 

Lil, you chose a man who once left you in the hands of your violent ex-husband. He WON'T protect you. Understand that. Don't sugar coat it for yourself so you can continue to live out this romantic and sexual fantasy.

 

Further, you OM is married and despite his willingness to pursue a relationship with you, he is not committed to leaving his marriage and therefore not choosing you. But, you are attempting to live out a fantasy where you are a second mother to his kids and his living, breathing sexual baby doll wife. In the meantime, YOU have taken liberties no woman should take in inserting yourself into this woman's family. How do you think she will react when you devestate her with these revelations (and she will find out)? And, all fantasy aside, do you genuinely believe that a man who left you to get beat up will protect you the ?

 

Enjoy the sexual part of your fantasy, if you must. But start being an adult about real life. It's too risky and anonymous posters on a board won't be able to help then.

 

I do care, even if that seemed harsh. Hugs,

 

GG

[thefooloftheyear]

I do believe in sexless marriages. I just don't believe the exMM was in one. He is/was far too horny a man to live in such a way.

 

Another gross misconception...

 

Are you serious.??

 

Are you horny? If you are, then are you horny for every swinging dick on the street? Ill assume thats a no..

 

With that logic, is it entirely possible that he had no feelings of lust for his BS, but he was more than willing to rip you apart? Think about it...Maybe he was so horny, because he was sex starved being with the BS and not doing anything to scratch that itch..Just because there is a pussy in the house, it doesnt necessarily mean a man is going to want it..

 

Again...reading this thread proves that women know little to nothing about what makes men tick, other than some BS they read in Cosmo magazine.

And I am sure men know nothing about women, either.so I am not singling out any gender here..

 

TFY

[truthbetold]

My MM is a couch sleeper, bought a couch for downstairs rec room for that specifically.

 

I agree every man wont sleep with anything with a vagina.... I know some TMI about BS's lack of "grooming" down there for the past almost decade that makes MM cringe.

 

 

Okay and one last ditch effort to wake you up.

 

It's kinda laughable the way he depicts this. I mean a DECADE of no shaving as if it can grow to some Sasquatch proportions. If she goes swimming at all I'm sure she does something. He makes it sound like she doesn't even bathe and that's the laughable part. It's disgusting how he portrays this woman he CHOSE to marry (not at gunpoint) and yet still sleeps with her by your own admission. You just don't want to think about how often.

 

Even though I'm a convert to the new way of going bare down there, I can respect not all women share that and prefer some coverage. That's highly personal and subjective to each woman. There's a difference between maintenance and filth.

 

Lastly what does this say about you? If it is this unruly gross mess that he depicts he's still sleeping with her who knows when and seeing you, so then you're actually sleeping with her indirectly, and THAT doesn't gross you out?

 

He's smart enough to not play the whole "never having sex thing" but it's likely as they say about alcohol admittance in patients at the dr's office. Take what they admit to, and double or triple it. Because he has NOTHING to gain to tell you if she's shaved and tight. He has EVERYTHING to gain from you, to tell you she's a disgusting pig THINK ABOUT IT. You said you're a smart girl, prove it.

[sad puppy]

I agree, there are plenty of sexless marriages, but it generally takes two people to get there. It take two people with similar desires. It is hard for me to believe that a man or a woman that loves sex stays in the marriage.

 

Ideally, someone that loves sex, but is in a sexless marriage should be on an exit affair.

 

And that's what happened with my xMM, it was an exit affair. He's been my X since Jan 1, 2012, however he's been pestering me to get together for the past year. I have said no, but we are talking, occasionally. His divorce will be final in a couple months. Not sure if I will agree to see him, but we are having some deep, serious talks.

 

And yep, he was in a sexless marriage. Eight years.

[2sure]

I am sure there are sexless marriages. However, none of the married men I've known we're in one while they were cheating. They just wanted more.

 

Also, having sex makes you think about sex more, so you want more sex.

People having affairs often have even more sex with their spouse during the affair.

[MissBee]

After 20 pages, I think it's safe to say that:

 

If a MM is in a sexless marriage in which he sleeps on the couch, but won't leave, and has an OW who is fully groomed and revved up for sex...it's a win win for him!

 

He can have as much sex from her as he wants and then have his couch-living life at home, which he won't part with. #SCORE

 

TBH...I felt my AP was really in love with me because even with him getting sex from his SO, he still wanted me, and we didn't have sex for a year into our relationship, so I figured boy he must really care because sex isn't even a possibility (putting aside other sources of emotional validation which he received). But if your marriage is sexless and you're not leaving and we're having sex, I would really begin to wonder if my purpose was simply to supplement the sexlessness, so you can stay married, but get me for sex.

[thefooloftheyear]

I am sure there are sexless marriages. However, none of the married men I've known we're in one while they were cheating. They just wanted more.

 

Also, having sex makes you think about sex more, so you want more sex.

People having affairs often have even more sex with their spouse during the affair.

 

 

I highly doubt ANY married man would talk to any woman about an affair...Not sure how you would glean that info..

 

I dont understand the second part...Im all man....I love sex...having sex doesnt make me anyuthing more than what I already am..(shrug)...If anything, having sex usually calms most men..The ones that are most sexually charged are the ones not getting it and on the hunt...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

After 20 pages, I think it's safe to say that:

 

If a MM is in a sexless marriage in which he sleeps on the couch, but won't leave, and has an OW who is fully groomed and revved up for sex...it's a win win for him!

 

He can have as much sex from her as he wants and then have his couch-living life at home, which he won't part with. #SCORE

 

TBH...I felt my AP was really in love with me because even with him getting sex from his SO, he still wanted me, and we didn't have sex for a year into our relationship, so I figured boy he must really care because sex isn't even a possibility (putting aside other sources of emotional validation which he received). But if your marriage is sexless and you're not leaving and we're having sex, I would really begin to wonder if my purpose was simply to supplement the sexlessness, so you can stay married, but get me for sex.

 

 

You nailed it....Id give you the bow emoticon if there was one....

 

TFY

[WakingUp]

I am sure there are sexless marriages. However, none of the married men I've known we're in one while they were cheating. They just wanted more.

 

Also, having sex makes you think about sex more, so you want more sex.

People having affairs often have even more sex with their spouse during the affair.

 

I read somewhere about MM having more sex at home when they start in an affair.

 

I asked xMM about it, and he said yes, he did actually.

 

Its got to do with them feeling like "the king" who has it all, the invincible stud who can do anything. Truly, I believe the OW just feeds their ego and they believe in their own minds they are wonderful.

 

However, this is in the beginning of an affair. In a long term affair dynamics change.

 

Just my thoughts.

[So happy together]

You know, I asked my BF about his interaction with stbxw. He said that before we began our A he didn't have much to do with her. But when we began our relationship, he avoided her like the plague. He spent a lot of his home time in the guest house. He really just didn't want anything at all to do with her. It was difficult because they had their anniversary, it was awful. The holidays came and it was terrible. He didn't feel like the king, he felt worried and angry.

 

I hope I got all that.

[thefooloftheyear]

I read somewhere about MM having more sex at home when they start in an affair.

 

I asked xMM about it, and he said yes, he did actually.

 

Its got to do with them feeling like "the king" who has it all, the invincible stud who can do anything. Truly, I believe the OW just feeds their ego and they believe in their own minds they are wonderful.

 

However, this is in the beginning of an affair. In a long term affair dynamics change.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

:laugh:

 

Nope...

 

Its more like..." I better throw the old hag a bone so she doesnt suspect anything"....

 

or....

 

"gee. I feel really guity about this. Maybe if I have some sex with the wife, then I wont have to hang my head in shame while I am home."..

 

King..???

 

TFY

[MissBee]

:laugh:

 

Nope...

 

Its more like..." I better throw the old hag a bone so she doesnt suspect anything"....

 

or....

 

"gee. I feel really guity about this. Maybe if I have some sex with the wife, then I wont have to hang my head in shame while I am home."..

 

King..???

 

TFY

 

I think it all depends...

 

People cheat for various reasons.

 

So it just depends on why a particular person is cheating and what they get from it.

 

Some men cheat just for sexual variety...and don't even keep one OW permanently, but if they go on business they have ONS or have short flings with several OW...and then go home and have sex with their wives just the same and feel glorious in getting home sex, then strange.

 

It really isn't a case of "all men feel like kings" or "all men don't"...depends on the dude and why he's cheating and HOW he's cheating.

[sadwithouthim]

Yes, it's not at all farfetched. On the website that's more geared toward marriage that I frequently read in, it's very common in many marriages, even when there is no affair. As for me, my husband and I haven't been intimate in more than 2 years, could be closer to 3 years now.

 

I was always honest with my EA (now NC for 26 days).

[sadwithouthim]

Yes, it's not at all farfetched. On the website that's more geared toward marriage that I frequently read in, it's very common in many marriages, even when there is no affair. As for me, my husband and I haven't been intimate in more than 2 years, could be closer to 3 years now.

 

I was always honest with my EA (now NC for 26 days).

 

However, I would like to add that at the beginning of EA, sex with my husband peaked. Soon though, it felt wrong to think of OM while sleeping with H, so I stopped. H and I never had a very active sex life, which was one of the MANY contributors to EA (it would've easily been PA if not for the many miles between us).

[So happy together]

I suppose the guesthouse is a step up from the couch.

 

I don't know why, this was so not funny, but I found myself giggling anyway!

[So happy together]

Cause you secretly love my sarcastic humor, and it WAS funny and relevant.

 

Lol. Well, I don't think it's a very big secret. I'm a sarcastic sh*t myself. I always laugh privately at your deadpan...

[Silly_Girl]

I agree, there are plenty of sexless marriages, but it generally takes two people to get there. It take two people with similar desires. It is hard for me to believe that a man or a woman that loves sex stays in the marriage.

 

 

Yes, it may seem odd, but it absolutely definitely does happen. It shouldn't, but it does.

[Silly_Girl]

I read somewhere about MM having more sex at home when they start in an affair.

 

I asked xMM about it, and he said yes, he did actually.

 

Its got to do with them feeling like "the king" who has it all, the invincible stud who can do anything. Truly, I believe the OW just feeds their ego and they believe in their own minds they are wonderful.

 

However, this is in the beginning of an affair. In a long term affair dynamics change.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Who deemed it's about them being a 'king'?

 

The more sex I have, the more I think about it, the more I want. So I believe that someone who is cheating, if they're having regular sex with their spouse, might up the ante during the affair.

[Silly_Girl]

I suppose the guesthouse is a step up from the couch.

 

That's how the middle class do affairs

[seren]

Why do people always assume it is the MM who has the higher drive for sex? and why is is so important if he is having sex with his BS or not? I see this mentioned here and on other sites very often and it is nearly always explained away as the BS is some gross hairy, hulking monster, and yet the WS chooses to stay. It makes little sense. I just don't understand it. I don't understand how it can be a good thing if the MM or MW chooses to stay with someone they have no connection. I would be asking, if it is so damned awful, why stay, why share a bed, why still have sex, why, even as one poster has suggested, the WS has sex just to placate the BS. Surely, if it were so awful they would leave, even before the A, yet they choose to stay, if it were me, I would be far more concerned at a WS staying in such a seemingly awful situation as it would imply a deeper relationship than being together simply for sex. Most marriages are far more complex than just what goes on in the bedroom, on the couch or even the guesthouse.

 

Sex was not the reason my H had an A, how do I know? I have spoken with the OW and she was frustrated that he wasn't that interested unless it was degrading, no I don't feel joy at knowing that, I know that she felt bad about this and we talked about it and I explained the underlying problems H had. I didn't hate OW, I understood the why's of the A and it was certainly not because my sex drive is low, I am certainly no horse's arse and if either of us would be expected to step outside our marriage for sex, I would have the greater excuse. I don't love with my vagina, I love with my heart.

 

I have said before, I hated H's A with all that I had, not him or the OW. In fact he was going through very severe combat stress which saw him not feel good enough and seek a destructive path. That the OW was there to listen is not something I am pleased about, but I am glad he had someplace to turn. That he used her angered me, that she was hurt, I felt sorry for. It was far more complex than simply for sex, I think that viewpoint is demeaning to both myself and to her.

As an aside, if H had told me OW was a horse's arse I would stop him right there, I don't need him to bring another woman down to validate my self worth, the disparaging remarks made about BS here lately is quite sad. We are people too, we have dreams, intimacy, sex, a homelife, history and are led to believe a future with our husband's. Why the constant need to portray BS as (enter a derogatory word) is one of life's mysteries, much the same as the, we never have sex line, some don't, most do, unless you are a fly on the wall, you really have no idea.