MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[jlola]

Miss Bee,

 

I'm going to answer your question. You think I rambled on and what I said was not pertinent to the conversation... so here is a list of why it was. Please try to follow along.

 

Anna-Bella talking about wanting honesty and exlusivity with their partner.

 

Several posters saying it makes no sense

for her to expect that. MM are liars.

 

Lady Designer saying her WH is a liar

 

Me asking LD if suddenly she can trust her

liar husband.

 

Jlola changing her post. Her original said

Anyone can reform, druggies, etc. But not talking

about a reformed man.

 

I asked why it doesn't occur to anyone that

our MM could be reformed. Citing reasons

for an affair and that it may no longer be a

worry as the R is different.

 

Jlola talking about her mom... not having an

affair despite all she dealt with regarding

her father, that she didn't cheat.

 

Wiser now rubbing it in that I am still LD, I have

my reasons. But that is neither here nor there.

Saying the reasons I cited were reasons for

D not affair. How he chose his stbx, that

he could do that to me (paraphrasing)

 

I explained why it was different. that he

takes responsibility for his actions etc.

 

 

Then you said I was making no sense, which of course I was. If you don't

want to read my posts, then please don't. I'm sorry, I guess perhaps I don't follow proper ettiquette... I haven't been in a forum for decades rehashing why I should be happy and I'm not.

 

 

Yes, I did change my post. I just tried to shorten it but went through anyway. I do stand by anyone can reform. that is why I put the quote to Mary Magdelene down that says "Go and sin no more".

 

Apologies if I was not clearer.

I think the part you are not understanding is the "reformed" part. You say your MM is reformed NOW! That may be so. But when you were willing to start up with him, he was not. And your statement about being picky made no sense. Neither did your statement you want "exclusivity from a MM.

 

It's like saying I am so picky with people I date. I date alcoholics,liars, cheaters. as long as they don't do it to me.

 

I hope you see how ridiculous that sounds.

 

Now if you said, I am picky. But I would give a chance to a "reformed" alcoholic,liar,thief that is a different story.

 

Most people do not start up a relationship with someone of low character. In fact, most people put their best food forward during the courtship stage because low character is unacceptable to many when it comes to choosing a mate. Some hide it well. Others understand they don't have to hide their low character from people who really do not put much importance on character. Then they can let their guard down.

[HopingAgain]

For the same reason it is important to the BS if the WS is having sex with the OW or not. OW generally want sexual exclusivity with their partner just like wives do. I would think that would be pretty easy to understand.

 

This type of thinking is exactly why many folks see and know there is such a thing as an "affair bubble" or "fog", this is just not using common sense. You expect a married man, who is cheating at that, to be sexually faithful to you and NOT sleep with his wife, because sleeping with his wife is cheating on you? You can want all you like (general you) but is this REALISTIC?

[So happy together]

Yes, I did change my post. I just tried to shorten it but went through anyway. I do stand by anyone can reform. that is why I put the quote to Mary Magdelene down that says "Go and sin no more".

 

Apologies if I was not clearer.

I think the part you are not understanding is the "reformed" part. You say your MM is reformed NOW! That may be so. But when you were willing to start up with him, he was not. And your statement about being picky made no sense. Neither did your statement you want "exclusivity from a MM.

 

It's like saying I am so picky with people I date. I date alcoholics,liars, cheaters. as long as they don't do it to me.

 

I hope you see how ridiculous that sounds.

 

Now if you said, I am picky. But I would give a chance to a "reformed" alcoholic,liar,thief that is a different story.

 

Most people do not start up a relationship with someone of low character. In fact, most people put their best food forward during the courtship stage because low character is unacceptable to many when it comes to choosing a mate. Some hide it well. Others understand they don't have to hide their low character from people who really do not put much importance on character. Then they can let their guard down.

 

I'd love to respond to this but apparently I'm not allowed, I'd never want to offend the Queen B. Have a good day.

[HopingAgain]

Yes, I did change my post. I just tried to shorten it but went through anyway. I do stand by anyone can reform. that is why I put the quote to Mary Magdelene down that says "Go and sin no more".

 

Apologies if I was not clearer.

I think the part you are not understanding is the "reformed" part. You say your MM is reformed NOW! That may be so. But when you were willing to start up with him, he was not. And your statement about being picky made no sense. Neither did your statement you want "exclusivity from a MM.

 

It's like saying I am so picky with people I date. I date alcoholics,liars, cheaters. as long as they don't do it to me.

 

I hope you see how ridiculous that sounds.

 

Now if you said, I am picky. But I would give a chance to a "reformed" alcoholic,liar,thief that is a different story.

 

Most people do not start up a relationship with someone of low character. In fact, most people put their best food forward during the courtship stage because low character is unacceptable to many when it comes to choosing a mate. Some hide it well. Others understand they don't have to hide their low character from people who really do not put much importance on character. Then they can let their guard down.

 

And therein lies part of the potential problem. When a person accepts their spouse behaving in a dishonorable way AS long as its towards someone ELSE, then inevitably when the behavior is directed towards that person as well, guess what the spouse is now going to say:

 

"I'm sorry....but you knew that about me when you met me"

[So happy together]

And therein lies part of the potential problem. When a person accepts their spouse behaving in a dishonorable way AS long as its towards someone ELSE, then inevitably when the behavior is directed towards that person as well, guess what the spouse is now going to say:

 

"I'm sorry....but you knew that about me when you met me"

 

Lol. And he can simply say to his BS, you knew I'd cheated before... why wouldn't I cheat again.

[HopingAgain]

Lol. And he can simply say to his BS, you knew I'd cheated before... why wouldn't I cheat again.

 

You missed the point of the story, if a person ACCEPTS that type of behavior you are leaving the door wide open for it to continue. The ideal to shoot for is to see if that person is changing that behavior, not putting a blindfold on yourself and declaring "its not happening to me, so its not my problem". It very well can be and will be your problem if you are comfortable with accepting it.

[2sure]

When I was OW I absolutely felt no guilt or need to defend my actions. I knew the affair was "wrong" to most people but didn't really care because for me it felt right. If I had known it was "wrong" and agreed...I wouldn't have done it.

 

I certainly didn't struggle emotionally defending myself against those that thought it was a bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea, I didn't care.

 

But my not caring or feeling guilty didn't motivate me to find reasons to make it acceptable.

 

So, it's wrong to screw other people spouses. That's really not a stretch. You can care or not, but you can't make it right.

 

I hope that soon the OW here waiting on their long distance MM, change that and end up with whatever relationship you've been waiting for. I think though, that you will still be trying to make others believe you were right ...and that the affair was not wrong, MM did not sleep with his wife, and BS deserves what she gets.

 

But what for? You're banging or, in your case Skyping a married guy. So, it's wrong. So what? You're good with it, it doesn't have to be right for you to be good with it.

[truthbetold]

So Happy,

 

You mentioned your bf is Catholic. Does he intend to continue to practice? If so, do you plan to enroll in RCIA? A true Catholic hold the values to heart. One chooses or chooses not to practice the Catholic faith. It's not a nationality. That's fine if you one doesn't agree with what the church teaches. But if so you can't turn around and call yourself a "Catholic".

 

I'm curious because you disparaged the "go and sin no more" which is a Catholic tenet. As is do unto to others. So you disagree?

[2sure]

Speaking of married men sleeping with their wives ....

Isn't one of the MM were discussing a Catholic Minister? And married?

Him sleeping with his wife wouldn't be my first question.

I'm a recovering catholic, but we had priests. Single priests.

[So happy together]

You missed the point of the story, if a person ACCEPTS that type of behavior you are leaving the door wide open for it to continue. The ideal to shoot for is to see if that person is changing that behavior, not putting a blindfold on yourself and declaring "its not happening to me, so its not my problem". It very well can be and will be your problem if you are comfortable with accepting it.

 

I've never said that. I have said that I believe in redemption.

[So happy together]

So Happy,

 

You mentioned your bf is Catholic. Does he intend to continue to practice? If so, do you plan to enroll in RCIA? A true Catholic hold the values to heart. One chooses or chooses not to practice the Catholic faith. It's not a nationality. That's fine if you one doesn't agree with what the church teaches. But if so you can't turn around and call yourself a "Catholic".

 

I'm curious because you disparaged the "go and sin no more" which is a Catholic tenet. As is do unto to others. So you disagree?

 

I will not say whether I agree or disagree. I will simply say that this is not a religious forum.

 

I will add to this that I don't feel people should be telling me what is morally correct.

 

Yes, he's Catholic. I didn't disparage the quote, I simply think quoting the bible to make someone conform in a non-religious forum is wrong. What if I were another religion? It's not about religion. And people have different morals.

[WakingUp]

Oh dear.

 

I was planning on posting on the original topic, once I had thought it through to the point where I wouldn't be dissed by all the "no sex in marriage" believers.

 

Will we be going back on topic?

[So happy together]

So Happy,

 

You mentioned your bf is Catholic. Does he intend to continue to practice? If so, do you plan to enroll in RCIA? A true Catholic hold the values to heart. One chooses or chooses not to practice the Catholic faith. It's not a nationality. That's fine if you one doesn't agree with what the church teaches. But if so you can't turn around and call yourself a "Catholic".

 

I'm curious because you disparaged the "go and sin no more" which is a Catholic tenet. As is do unto to others. So you disagree?

 

Actually, it's not a Catholic tenet. It's a Christian tenet. But again, this is not a religious forum. Thanks for asking though, and in a kind way.

[jlola]

While I know you love to rub in the fact that we are LD, it doesn't bother me. I know we're happy. I wouldn't change a thing. And yes, he did choose her. He was 19. They got married, had a child. She would not have any more. She then began refusing sex. Somewhere along the line in the last ten - fifteen years she began drinking to excess. He's catholic. So suddenly, marriage is for life. Guilt. Shame at his horrendous mistake. Someone who no longer wants him. He's lonely, he's miserable.

 

 

 

Happy, you are saying your MM got married at 19. I am sure you would agree it is young. he never really had time to date. Now going from one relationship to another without a breather. I hope t his therapist has addressed that. First he barely leaves home of his parents to marry. Now he barely leaves home of wife for mistress.

[truthbetold]

I will not say whether I agree or disagree. I will simply say that this is not a religious forum.

 

I will add to this that I don't feel people should be telling me what is morally correct.

 

Yes, he's Catholic. I didn't disparage the quote, I simply think quoting the bible to make someone conform in a non-religious forum is wrong. What if I were another religion? It's not about religion. And people have different morals.

 

Touche Happy,

 

I'm merely pointing out a disconnect. All this bs that this or that can't be dragged into threads, I think it's odd. I mean I can stand by everything I ever posted. Be it here, career, political, etc... I'm not "one" face that i show here and afraid to have any skeletons exposed. It seems many posters feel there should be some sort immunity. It's funny because if it deems your agenda and furthers it, you seem happy to comply, but if it challenges it then no. Many posters do that it's okay.

 

You and I haven't agreed. I remember your defense of your bf and saying how great he raised his daughter, I had a different spin and it wasn't received well and I get it, that's your choice. It was nice when there was actually a fight to "save someone" earlier in the thread. It's what I meant in the belief that somethings are bigger than us.

 

I guess your and my definition of Catholic are vastly different and I get that too. I won't hide or shame my Lord because "it has no place in a discussion :rolleyes:" As I said, YOU brought it up when YOU brought up his Catholicism, not me. Didn't want a religious debate then seems pretty simple. Leave it out. You bring it in when it suits YOUR agenda, but backtrack when it doesn't.

 

A true Catholic holds all the tenets. Not picks and chooses. And I get that too. I had a crisis of faith and explored many other religions and I don't put anyone down for their beliefs and I think there are MANY Hindu's that do a better job than 1/2 the Catholics based on the "do unto others" alone. So I do see more than just tunnel vision.

 

It's just I'm HAPPY so happy, and getting happier. Regardless I'm married to a guy that enhances that and went beyond my hopes/prayers. I got happy on my own. I'm bursting with happiness right now because of yet a new revelation in my faith. It's about remembering the bigger picture. I just returned from a vacation to my most fabulous spot to me. I'm usually a mess when I get back because I want to be "there" even though I have a great family life, my work life right now sucks balls lol (see my thread in career section to see) though that's getting better as I have another path that has opened to me. Life is good!

 

But unlike you, I have no desire or want to tear anyone down, quite the opposite I want to spread the love and joy that I feel! There are people like me out there (I have been blessed with them as awesome friends!) They just usually don't visit message boards lol! But God works in mysterious ways. When you're truly happy you exude happiness, TRUE happiness. I see the disconnect in your posts and I know you won't get it. But I too think you are a little "TOO" defensive at times and if you want the best start for your new life with him, then I agree with the others that say you need to look deep inside why you are so defensive of thinking affairs are okay. Because to God and a TRUE Catholic, they're not. Spin it all you want, they're not. A true Catholic also needs to be equally yoked. No one forces anyone to be Catholic or not, you don't want to practice that faith, fine but then don't bandy about the term Catholicism as it suits your agenda.

 

Maybe you're here to open your mind as well and realize maybe you do need to stop with the bravado that people in the know see through, maybe not your choice. Believe it or not I do wish you peace. I wish all people that, not just those that I like.

[truthbetold]

Actually, it's not a Catholic tenet. It's a Christian tenet. But again, this is not a religious forum. Thanks for asking though, and in a kind way.

 

For ME there is no difference between Catholicism and Christian. I am Christian first. I practice Catholicism. And you're welcome! I do try.

[So happy together]

Happy, you are saying your MM got married at 19. I am sure you would agree it is young. he never really had time to date. Now going from one relationship to another without a breather. I hope t his therapist has addressed that. First he barely leaves home of his parents to marry. Now he barely leaves home of wife for mistress.

 

Actually, I was guessing. Let me do the math... He's 51... they were together 29 years so... he was 21. He dated in high school and college until he met her.

 

And he is dating. Me. And I'm not his mistress. I'm his girlfriend.

[ladydesigner]

t/j

So Happy Together I really hope your MM doesn't lie to you, it hurts like a bitch when the person you have trusted and thought was your 'mate' was actually not. I feel sorry for your MM xBS, I feel sorry for his daughter, and for you that you always feel the need to defend your relationship. Maybe just identifying with some of the people here or possibly putting yourself in their shoes would help you understand certain positions better. Since I have been in both positions I hope I can offer help about A's and aftermaths and what not. I do not think A's are right. I do not believe they are morally right and I am a fMOW. I believe it is a selfish act of the WS ALWAYS, regardless of what is going on at home, but that is IMHO.

end t/j

[So happy together]

Touche Happy,

 

I'm merely pointing out a disconnect. All this bs that this or that can't be dragged into threads, I think it's odd. I mean I can stand by everything I ever posted. Be it here, career, political, etc... I'm not "one" face that i show here and afraid to have any skeletons exposed. It seems many posters feel there should be some sort immunity. It's funny because if it deems your agenda and furthers it, you seem happy to comply, but if it challenges it then no. Many posters do that it's okay.

 

You and I haven't agreed. I remember your defense of your bf and saying how great he raised his daughter, I had a different spin and it wasn't received well and I get it, that's your choice. It was nice when there was actually a fight to "save someone" earlier in the thread. It's what I meant in the belief that somethings are bigger than us.

 

I guess your and my definition of Catholic are vastly different and I get that too. I won't hide or shame my Lord because "it has no place in a discussion :rolleyes:" As I said, YOU brought it up when YOU brought up his Catholicism, not me. Didn't want a religious debate then seems pretty simple. Leave it out. You bring it in when it suits YOUR agenda, but backtrack when it doesn't.

 

A true Catholic holds all the tenets. Not picks and chooses. And I get that too. I had a crisis of faith and explored many other religions and I don't put anyone down for their beliefs and I think there are MANY Hindu's that do a better job than 1/2 the Catholics based on the "do unto others" alone. So I do see more than just tunnel vision.

 

It's just I'm HAPPY so happy, and getting happier. Regardless I'm married to a guy that enhances that and went beyond my hopes/prayers. I got happy on my own. I'm bursting with happiness right now because of yet a new revelation in my faith. It's about remembering the bigger picture. I just returned from a vacation to my most fabulous spot to me. I'm usually a mess when I get back because I want to be "there" even though I have a great family life, my work life right now sucks balls lol (see my thread in career section to see) though that's getting better as I have another path that has opened to me. Life is good!

 

But unlike you, I have no desire or want to tear anyone down, quite the opposite I want to spread the love and joy that I feel! There are people like me out there (I have been blessed with them as awesome friends!) They just usually don't visit message boards lol! But God works in mysterious ways. When you're truly happy you exude happiness, TRUE happiness. I see the disconnect in your posts and I know you won't get it. But I too think you are a little "TOO" defensive at times and if you want the best start for your new life with him, then I agree with the others that say you need to look deep inside why you are so defensive of thinking affairs are okay. Because to God and a TRUE Catholic, they're not. Spin it all you want, they're not. A true Catholic also needs to be equally yoked. No one forces anyone to be Catholic or not, you don't want to practice that faith, fine but then don't bandy about the term Catholicism as it suits your agenda.

 

Maybe you're here to open your mind as well and realize maybe you do need to stop with the bravado that people in the know see through, maybe not your choice. Believe it or not I do wish you peace. I wish all people that, not just those that I like.

 

I'll PM you.

[MissBee]

And this was just rude. Don't worry. I know you hate that I won't apologize to you and all the other poor BS's... not going to happen. If I ever did apologize, why in the world would it be to you? I just laugh at the things you say sometimes, seriously. You think you know it all because you've lived it... but you are just a pendulum that has swung entirely the other way. And that's fine. But don't try to prescribe my morals to me.

 

Have a good day.

 

SHT, I don't know you personally, I'm not a BS and even if I were, you're not sleeping with my husband or the husband of anyone I know and care about. That said, fancifuI ideas about me just waiting for you to apologize to me for some imaginary wrong you committed against me and how much you "know" I "hate" that you won't are are your own invention. You haven't done a thing to me and my world spins regardless of what you do or don't do. So if you're going to withhold your apology to spite me...be my guest, since I have never asked or thought about that ever...the only person I needed an apology from was my exAP and I received it. I don't need to call you out on fabricated charges lol....what I commented on, i.e, your spiel in every thread no matter how OT, is plain and apparent and several people have commented on it before, or maybe Queen B forced them to comment on it against their will lol.

 

You didn't know me before or during my A so your pendulum accusations are also without merit. In all my posts documenting my then feelings I am frank about me not being the happy, unabashed, gloating OW. And as I have said and will say again, Im here for the whom I feel were similar to me and who will likely resonate with how I felt. I see myself in some and can relate to several OW here, who are still in As, and we PM and I have no ill will towards them or demand apologies lol smh, others I'm like we were nothing alike...your opinions, beliefs, actions etc are nothing like how I felt and thought therefore don't assume I was like you and reformed and am swinging like a pendulum, because I assure you I am not.

 

I am well aware of my freedom to read or disregard your posts if I wish and I trust you're aware that I can comment or disagree or ask you questions when you post, that you may also disregard. I didn't tell you that you couldn't post, just inquired about the content...we're all adults and should be able to agree, disagree and the like without resorting to making things up.

 

Thanks for the evening wishes, have a lovely evening as well.

[bentleychic]

Every time you guys shorten her name to the initials, I think you're "fake" swearing at her. That's all that I have to add.

[So happy together]

SHT, I don't know you personally, I'm not a BS and even if I were, you're not sleeping with my husband or the husband of anyone I know and care about. That said, fancifuI ideas about me just waiting for you to apologize to me for some imaginary wrong you committed against me and how much you "know" I "hate" that you won't are are your own invention. You haven't done a thing to me and my world spins regardless of what you do or don't do. So if you're going to withhold your apology to spite me...be my guest, since I have never asked or thought about that ever...the only person I needed an apology from was my exAP and I received it. I don't need to call you out on fabricated charges lol....what I commented on, i.e, your spiel in every thread no matter how OT, is plain and apparent and several people have commented on it before, or maybe Queen B forced them to comment on it against their will lol.

 

You didn't know me before or during my A so your pendulum accusations are also without merit. In all my posts documenting my then feelings I am frank about me not being the happy, unabashed, gloating OW. And as I have said and will say again, Im here for the whom I feel were similar to me and who will likely resonate with how I felt. I see myself in some and can relate to several OW here, who are still in As, and we PM and I have no ill will towards them or demand apologies lol smh, others I'm like we were nothing alike...your opinions, beliefs, actions etc are nothing like how I felt and thought therefore don't assume I was like you and reformed and am swinging like a pendulum, because I assure you I am not.

 

I am well aware of my freedom to read or disregard your posts if I wish and I trust you're aware that I can comment or disagree or ask you questions when you post, that you may also disregard. I didn't tell you that you couldn't post, just inquired about the content...we're all adults and should be able to agree, disagree and the like without resorting to making things up.

 

Thanks for the evening wishes, have a lovely evening as well.

 

Oh, B... I know you so much better than you think I do. Night.

[2sure]

That sounds stalker ish. Poor taste.

[MissBee]

Yes, I did change my post. I just tried to shorten it but went through anyway. I do stand by anyone can reform. that is why I put the quote to Mary Magdelene down that says "Go and sin no more".

 

Apologies if I was not clearer.

I think the part you are not understanding is the "reformed" part. You say your MM is reformed NOW! That may be so. But when you were willing to start up with him, he was not. And your statement about being picky made no sense. Neither did your statement you want "exclusivity from a MM.

 

It's like saying I am so picky with people I date. I date alcoholics,liars, cheaters. as long as they don't do it to me.

 

I hope you see how ridiculous that sounds.

 

Now if you said, I am picky. But I would give a chance to a "reformed" alcoholic,liar,thief that is a different story.

 

Most people do not start up a relationship with someone of low character. In fact, most people put their best food forward during the courtship stage because low character is unacceptable to many when it comes to choosing a mate. Some hide it well. Others understand they don't have to hide their low character from people who really do not put much importance on character. Then they can let their guard down.

 

Thanks for explaining yourself...I was afraid that maybe it was because I was saying what you meant and maybe misinterpreting why the confusion.

 

SHT: thanks for delineating. I followed along carefully and it was the exact interpretation I had before. As Jlola reiterated in the above quote, and as I originally said, you're discussing reforming. In the case of Lady's WH, reconciliation, and then your MM which you say left, all three scenarios: reformation, reconsilaition, MM leaving, include a conclusion of the affair. It does occur to people that MM can reform when the A is over....what Jlola was asking AB, and what I said you were getting wrong, and Jlola just confirmed, is that she was not asking about when the A is over...but claiming reformation or demanding certain things WHILE the A is occurring and how that makes sense. I also bolded the part in your post that I was especially asking if you had to do it in every thread even though OT....so it wasn't even the entire post.

Edited August 3, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

That sounds stalker ish. Poor taste.

 

 

Welppp...I better close my blinds tonight.