MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[waterwoman]

.

As an aside, if H had told me OW was a horse's arse I would stop him right there, I don't need him to bring another woman down to validate my self worth, the disparaging remarks made about BS here lately is quite sad. We are people too, we have dreams, intimacy, sex, a homelife, history and are led to believe a future with our husband's. Why the constant need to portray BS as (enter a derogatory word) is one of life's mysteries, much the same as the, we never have sex line, some don't, most do, unless you are a fly on the wall, you really have no idea.

 

Yep. It is quite sad. I would never insult H's OW. I might have been angry but I know who she is and she isn't a heartless whore, she isn't a callous immoral bitch etc etc. I'd be very hurt if in turn she insulted me. It's all so demeaning.

[Anna-Belle]

and why is is so important if he is having sex with his BS or not?

 

For the same reason it is important to the BS if the WS is having sex with the OW or not. OW generally want sexual exclusivity with their partner just like wives do. I would think that would be pretty easy to understand.

[Anna-Belle]

In our case the last three years of the EMR my MM and I were sexually exclusive (no sex with the wife). Once she realized the EMR had lasted longer than that there was a sudden rush for an STD testing.

[Anna-Belle]

Why do people always assume it is the MM who has the higher drive for sex?

 

It's pretty easy (and common) to see if/that your new partner has been sexually starved. You don't need his word for it. You can tell a lot from a man's behavior especially at the beginning of an EMR of the status of his marital sex life.

[thefooloftheyear]

Why do people always assume it is the MM who has the higher drive for sex? and why is is so important if he is having sex with his BS or not? I see this mentioned here and on other sites very often and it is nearly always explained away as the BS is some gross hairy, hulking monster, and yet the WS chooses to stay. It makes little sense. I just don't understand it. I don't understand how it can be a good thing if the MM or MW chooses to stay with someone they have no connection. I would be asking, if it is so damned awful, why stay, why share a bed, why still have sex, why, even as one poster has suggested, the WS has sex just to placate the BS. Surely, if it were so awful they would leave, even before the A, yet they choose to stay, if it were me, I would be far more concerned at a WS staying in such a seemingly awful situation as it would imply a deeper relationship than being together simply for sex. Most marriages are far more complex than just what goes on in the bedroom, on the couch or even the guesthouse.

 

Sex was not the reason my H had an A, how do I know? I have spoken with the OW and she was frustrated that he wasn't that interested unless it was degrading, no I don't feel joy at knowing that, I know that she felt bad about this and we talked about it and I explained the underlying problems H had. I didn't hate OW, I understood the why's of the A and it was certainly not because my sex drive is low, I am certainly no horse's arse and if either of us would be expected to step outside our marriage for sex, I would have the greater excuse. I don't love with my vagina, I love with my heart.

 

I have said before, I hated H's A with all that I had, not him or the OW. In fact he was going through very severe combat stress which saw him not feel good enough and seek a destructive path. That the OW was there to listen is not something I am pleased about, but I am glad he had someplace to turn. That he used her angered me, that she was hurt, I felt sorry for. It was far more complex than simply for sex, I think that viewpoint is demeaning to both myself and to her.

As an aside, if H had told me OW was a horse's arse I would stop him right there, I don't need him to bring another woman down to validate my self worth, the disparaging remarks made about BS here lately is quite sad. We are people too, we have dreams, intimacy, sex, a homelife, history and are led to believe a future with our husband's. Why the constant need to portray BS as (enter a derogatory word) is one of life's mysteries, much the same as the, we never have sex line, some don't, most do, unless you are a fly on the wall, you really have no idea.

 

I cant believe I am going to type this, but I guess as the lone cock in the henhouse its necessary for another viewpoint...

 

Why stay? You are correct, it seems silly..Some men value their children over any OW, I dont care who they are..Once you blow it all up, the kids suffer and you wind up with some BS part time visitatiion deal..What a bargain..

 

What do they do then? They fib, they lie, they do whatever it takes to get that part of their life going..Once the OW has had enough, then they usually just find another willing participant...Its really not hard..Unless you look like a total troll, there are miillions of desperate and weak women who will be more than happy to sperad their legs for an unavailable man who will show them a shred of attention/love..Sorry to be crude, its just a fact here.

 

Reading some of these posts make me believe people put too much value on sex in a relationship..Sure, everyone has a level of priority they place on things, but there are a lot of men that arent going to blow their whole lives and lose custody of their kids over it. Theyll figure out a way to get it, hopefully without turning their lives upside down..

 

To sum it up..guys lose interest sexuually for their wives...Happens all the time(women lose interest in their H just as much BTW). If everything else in the marriage is essentially good, then there really are only a few options..1) Seek a prostitute(s)..Many guys I know do this. Frankly its much better than an affair because of the lack of emotional attachment and if he isnt fcking his wife, then he isnt putting her at risk for an STD. 2) Find an OW(s)..Are either of these right or moral? Absolutely not!! It becomes a matter of survival, I suppose.

 

I have an uncle who is now very old..He is a "salt of the earth" kinda guy that you would never expect him to do anything worse than jaywalk. He is/was a very good looking man. His wife, (rip) was VERY heavy for all the years I remember. I mean 300 lbs kinda heavy. When you saw the two of them together, you would see what appeared like two very unevenly matched people..He loved her IMMENSELY, though..You could see that-it was obvious. My mom confided in me recently that he had many women over the years just for the purpose of sex..His wife even knew about it and turned the other way..It was kinda surprising and sad in a way..They did what they did to survive, I suppose..

 

Have a great day everyone..

 

TFY

Edited August 2, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Got it]

Yes, it may seem odd, but it absolutely definitely does happen. It shouldn't, but it does.

 

Absolutely. Because it is not common place to put sex at such a priority that you would divorce over that. Instead I think people mistakenly believe that an affair may be "a lesser evil" and then everything blows up.

 

I know that I just accepted it for a long time. It wasn't until all the other reasons that were "good enough" before lessened and the lack of sex and lack of interest in sex became that much more apparent. And to be honest all of that contributed to me losing any sexual desire in him. I just stopped being sexually attracted to him and it never came back. Now, I see him like a brother, the imagine of my ex and I engaging in sex is not only completely foreign idea but it gives me the heebie geebies. It is like imagining my brother having sex. Ugh. *shudder*

[Got it]

I cant believe I am going to type this, but I guess as the lone cock in the henhouse its necessary for another viewpoint...

 

Why stay? You are correct, it seems silly..Some men value their children over any OW, I dont care who they are..Once you blow it all up, the kids suffer and you wind up with some BS part time visitatiion deal..What a bargain..

 

What do they do then? They fib, they lie, they do whatever it takes to get that part of their life going..Once the OW has had enough, then they usually just find another willing participant...Its really not hard..Unless you look like a total troll, there are miillions of desperate and weak women who will be more than happy to sperad their legs for an unavailable man who will show them a shred of attention/love..Sorry to be crude, its just a fact here.

 

Reading some of these posts make me believe people put too much value on sex in a relationship..Sure, everyone has a level of priority they place on things, but there are a lot of men that arent going to blow their whole lives and lose custody of their kids over it. Theyll figure out a way to get it, hopefully without turning their lives upside down..

 

To sum it up..guys lose interest sexuually for their wives...Happens all the time(women lose interest in their H just as much BTW). If everything else in the marriage is essentially good, then there really are only a few options..1) Seek a prostitute(s)..Many guys I know do this. Frankly its much better than an affair because of the lack of emotional attachment and if he isnt fcking his wife, then he isnt putting her at risk for an STD. 2) Find an OW(s)..Are either of these right or moral? Absolutely not!! It becomes a matter of survival, I suppose.

 

I have an uncle who is now very old..He is a "salt of the earth" kinda guy that you would never expect him to do anything worse than jaywalk. He is/was a very good looking man. His wife, (rip) was VERY heavy for all the years I remember. I mean 300 lbs kinda heavy. When you saw the two of them together, you would see what appeared like two very unevenly matched people..He loved her IMMENSELY, though..You could see that-it was obvious. My mom confided in me recently that he had many women over the years just for the purpose of sex..His wife even knew about it and turned the other way..It was kinda surprising and sad in a way..They did what they did to survive, I suppose..

 

Have a great day everyone..

 

TFY

 

And here is a prime example of the mess of human sexuality and marriage/monogamy.

 

It is sad really. I have no answers. But I think a really poignant post.

[findingnemo]

I seriously believe Lil is in a bdsm little relationship and they just don't know it.

 

Consensual? Yes. Safe? Not so much. Sane? I don't know exactly how that is defined in bdsm.

 

Some men want a girlie girl to pamper and fuss over. It's safe to say cop wife is not the pampering needing type of woman. Lil is younger than MM, several years, almost enough that he could be of an age to be her father.

 

I think it appeals to him to be the daddy and it appeals to her to be treated like a princess.

 

And I wasn't the least bit offended! It was funny.

 

I think you have a point here. Lil and MM are in a dominant/submissive R but it doesn't seem like classic BDSM where boundaries and expectations are discussed. I think the man is dominated at home and likes to have a side person to, in turn, dominate. What attracts him maybe that Lil is subservient by nature. So he calls her all these little names, etc and treats her like a "princess". Not a bad thing in itself.

 

Please remind me... He left Lil to die? Was that figurative or for real? Did I miss some threads?

[So happy together]

From the people I know in A's, current or post, it seems that sex is part of the formula, but I think what a lot of people don't understand is that the relationship between (most) MM and OW is so much more than sex. My bf is literally my very closest friend. I know SO many OW who feel the same, right along with their OM. Even if there is a Dday and the OW is thrown under the bus (I've seen this happen, sure, but I've also seen the opposite, and more lately than ever). It does not negate the fact that these two people had/have a connection.

 

If you seriously consider a lot of affairs, the MM and OW are in constant contact. I hear often how they make time to talk on the phone for hours, text, Skype, whatever... and it has nothing to do with sex. They are friends. And then there is the sex, which a lot of times is phenomenal. I have read on forums about "it's good sex because you are sneaking around"... well, a lot of times it's good because of the connection.

 

Of course we see these OM/OW fall in love with MP and the MP does not reciprocate, that it is just sex for them, I'm not denying it... but the majority that I see are people that are in love.

 

That is why I prefer to call it a parallel relationship. Because it IS a relationship. We may not share children or bills but we share EVERYTHING else. Like hopes, dreams, work worries, homelife worries, funny stories, etc.

 

Sex is fantastic with my bf... but it is only part of the story. And sex came as part of the friendship/love that I feel for him.

 

That is why, when people reconcile (which, if it works for you and it is sincere I think is great), others think it is bogus, esp. the OW because she knows how the MM was with her and knows it was real. Not just some contrived thing to keep her hanging on.

 

I've just been on the phone with my bf for 11/2 hours this morning, and he's already texting me. I'll hear from him after his morning meetings and he'll text me again in the afternoon. Then I'll talk to him again this evening. The thing is, it was that way our whole relationship, even when he was married.

 

I know, I'm rambling. But my point is, these relationships for most of us, MM/OW alike, are NOT just about sex. It may have started out as such, it may not. It may be a big part, it may not. But to be honest, for us anyway, it was just a natural extention of showing our feelings, one for the other.

[thefooloftheyear]

And here is a prime example of the mess of human sexuality and marriage/monogamy.

 

It is sad really. I have no answers. But I think a really poignant post.

 

 

Id love for you to elaborate...

 

TFY

[seren]

For the same reason it is important to the BS if the WS is having sex with the OW or not. OW generally want sexual exclusivity with their partner just like wives do. I would think that would be pretty easy to understand.

 

I obviously haven't explained myself, during the A I, obviously thought he was only having sex with me, we had been married for over 23 years and were intimate. When he told me of the A, it wasn't the sex that was the most important thing, it was the lies. I assumed he and the OW were having sex at every opportunity, she assumed we weren't, our conversation after D Day, in which she needed answers my H was too cowardly to give her, cleared up, not only a lot of our assumptions, but my stereotypical view of what an A was. The important thing for us both was that we had both been lied to.

 

It wasn't the sexual side of the A that was the forefront of my mind, nor as it happens at the forefront of the OW. H and I shared a bed, a sofa and life at home, in that department changed very little, if it had I might not have been so blindsided.

[Mint Sauce]

it is not a myth. My marriage had been sexless for more than 2 years before I started with my OW, and it remained sexless throughout the affair. And by sexless I mean not a single case of intercourse: at most a reluctant hand job once a month, and not even proper kissing. My (now ex)W rejected me completely physically.

[Pierre]

My (now ex)W rejected me completely physically.

 

Exactly, when there is no sex and when the man is young the marriage tends to end.

 

If MM remains married the history may be bogus.

[Anna-Belle]

I obviously haven't explained myself, during the A I, obviously thought he was only having sex with me, we had been married for over 23 years and were intimate. When he told me of the A, it wasn't the sex that was the most important thing, it was the lies. I assumed he and the OW were having sex at every opportunity, she assumed we weren't, our conversation after D Day, in which she needed answers my H was too cowardly to give her, cleared up, not only a lot of our assumptions, but my stereotypical view of what an A was. The important thing for us both was that we had both been lied to.

 

It wasn't the sexual side of the A that was the forefront of my mind, nor as it happens at the forefront of the OW. H and I shared a bed, a sofa and life at home, in that department changed very little, if it had I might not have been so blindsided.

 

While I can see that the above is relevant in your case, I don't see what it has to do with the answer I gave to your general question:

 

 

and why is is so important if he is having sex with his BS or not?

For the same reason it is important to the BS if the WS is having sex with the OW or not. OW generally want sexual exclusivity with their partner just like wives do. I would think that would be pretty easy to understand.

 

Most women desire sexual exclusivity with their partner. Thus as an OW I wanted to know whether my MM was having sex with his wife or not. To me I felt betrayed every time he did. Thankfully it has now been years since they had sex and it is likely never to happen again since they have now separated.

 

My MM has lied to me once only during all these years, so lying hasn't been an issue. And as far as I know it's not the topic of the thread either.

[Eggplant]

What do they do then? They fib, they lie, they do whatever it takes to get that part of their life going..Once the OW has had enough, then they usually just find another willing participant...Its really not hard..Unless you look like a total troll, there are miillions of desperate and weak women who will be more than happy to sperad their legs for an unavailable man who will show them a shred of attention/love..Sorry to be crude, its just a fact here.

Out of curiosity, what do the wives in these situations do to get that part of their life going? Do they have OM? Do they remain celibate?

[hippetyhop]

I think some couples where there is a cheating spouse they really can be sexless. Has anyone ventured to the general marriage board? There are many threads re. sexless marriages, which I actually think are more common than not. Depending on where you live, sex is still a taboo topic not discussed.

[Anna-Belle]

I obviously haven't explained myself, during the A I, obviously thought he was only having sex with me, we had been married for over 23 years and were intimate. When he told me of the A, it wasn't the sex that was the most important thing, it was the lies. I assumed he and the OW were having sex at every opportunity, she assumed we weren't, our conversation after D Day, in which she needed answers my H was too cowardly to give her, cleared up, not only a lot of our assumptions, but my stereotypical view of what an A was. The important thing for us both was that we had both been lied to.

 

It wasn't the sexual side of the A that was the forefront of my mind, nor as it happens at the forefront of the OW. H and I shared a bed, a sofa and life at home, in that department changed very little, if it had I might not have been so blindsided.

 

Still trying to get my head around your post. If I understand you correctly, you are saying that since your husband lied to you, him having sex with his OW did not bother you as much. I guess it could be that the more basic needs that are satisfied the more we want satisfied. My MM wasn't lying to me, so that wasn't an issue for me. Then again I tend to want both honesty and exclusivity in any relationship, whether marriage or EMR. To each their own.

[thefooloftheyear]

Out of curiosity, what do the wives in these situations do to get that part of their life going? Do they have OM? Do they remain celibate?

 

 

Whatever they want to, I suppose..(shrug)...Did it occur to you that maybe they dont want or need sex?

 

Seriously EP..I dont know??

 

TFY

[Red Wolverine]

My xMM was in a sexless marriage. When we met, I was on my way out of my own sexless marriage and we had a lot of discussion about it. While he could have been a great actor, he wasn't smooth...it was obvious he hadn't felt desired in years.

 

His wife confirmed this when I told her about the affair.

 

In some cases, it's not as simple as sex. While I believe most healthy adults need the intimacy sex can provide, the lack of it doesn't mean the end of a marriage. Maybe it should but it doesn't.

 

Children and the history involved in a marriage will cause many to remain married. While my affair involved love, respect, and honesty (between us), he would not place that above his children. I would not either but he may be denying her the opportunity to be loved by someone else. I'm saying that as a woman and former wife, not a former OW.

 

My main issue is the lack of honesty between he and his wife. Aside from his feelings for me, he owes her the truth about how he feels about her and their marriage. While I understand the utter importance of their children, it's not fair to her to make grand proclamations of love and false reconciliation if he cannot truly commit to loving her as a husband should.

 

My relationship with him is over. Ironic that the characteristics I loved about him ultimately caused him to stay in his marriage. Hopefully they will be happy.

[Red Wolverine]

Whatever they want to, I suppose..(shrug)...Did it occur to you that maybe they dont want or need sex?

 

Seriously EP..I dont know??

 

TFY

 

This was me in my former marriage. I didn't need sex...with my xH. I thought it wasn't a big deal.

 

I've moved way past that line of thinking.

[seren]

Still trying to get my head around your post. If I understand you correctly, you are saying that since your husband lied to you, him having sex with his OW did not bother you as much. I guess it could be that the more basic needs that are satisfied the more we want satisfied. My MM wasn't lying to me, so that wasn't an issue for me. Then again I tend to want both honesty and exclusivity in any relationship, whether marriage or EMR. To each their own.

 

No, that is not what I am saying, I think honesty and exclusivity are what most of us want and what I had and thought I had always had for 23 years. What I am trying to say and obviusly not explaining myself too well, is that of course my H having sex with another woman was important, but being lied to hurt the most. I am glad that the MM wasn't lying to you and so wasn't an issue. The very nature of being a BS is that we are lied to, I would not knowingly accept an A was ongoing, I certainly would not knowingly be intimate with my H if he was being intimate with another and if he did sleep with another I would assume he was having sex as that is my experience of my relationship.

[Eggplant]

Did it occur to you that maybe they dont want or need sex?

That's the stereotype anyway.

[MissBee]

I cant believe I am going to type this, but I guess as the lone cock in the henhouse its necessary for another viewpoint...

 

Why stay? You are correct, it seems silly..Some men value their children over any OW, I dont care who they are..Once you blow it all up, the kids suffer and you wind up with some BS part time visitatiion deal..What a bargain..

 

What do they do then? They fib, they lie, they do whatever it takes to get that part of their life going..Once the OW has had enough, then they usually just find another willing participant...Its really not hard..Unless you look like a total troll, there are miillions of desperate and weak women who will be more than happy to sperad their legs for an unavailable man who will show them a shred of attention/love..Sorry to be crude, its just a fact here.

 

Reading some of these posts make me believe people put too much value on sex in a relationship..Sure, everyone has a level of priority they place on things, but there are a lot of men that arent going to blow their whole lives and lose custody of their kids over it. Theyll figure out a way to get it, hopefully without turning their lives upside down..

 

To sum it up..guys lose interest sexuually for their wives...Happens all the time(women lose interest in their H just as much BTW). If everything else in the marriage is essentially good, then there really are only a few options..1) Seek a prostitute(s)..Many guys I know do this. Frankly its much better than an affair because of the lack of emotional attachment and if he isnt fcking his wife, then he isnt putting her at risk for an STD. 2) Find an OW(s)..Are either of these right or moral? Absolutely not!! It becomes a matter of survival, I suppose.

 

I have an uncle who is now very old..He is a "salt of the earth" kinda guy that you would never expect him to do anything worse than jaywalk. He is/was a very good looking man. His wife, (rip) was VERY heavy for all the years I remember. I mean 300 lbs kinda heavy. When you saw the two of them together, you would see what appeared like two very unevenly matched people..He loved her IMMENSELY, though..You could see that-it was obvious. My mom confided in me recently that he had many women over the years just for the purpose of sex..His wife even knew about it and turned the other way..It was kinda surprising and sad in a way..They did what they did to survive, I suppose..

 

Have a great day everyone..

 

TFY

 

There definitely is merit to what you're saying.

 

In the culture I'm from, most men having affairs or multiple women are about sexual variety and not about who they love more, it's like a given that most of them love their wives, which is why they married this person, and then OW are women they enjoy outside of their marriage.

 

Hence, my earlier comment about after 20 pages, it is safe to say that MM who are staying put, can get sex outside of their marriage yet still be married, have their kids and keep their lives in tact...and if I were an OW in that situation of sexlessness, but he's not leaving, I'd start to be more curious about if I was just his sexual supplement.

[Got it]

That's the stereotype anyway.

 

Eggplant, I think there is some truth to that. I understand that it isn't always the case but female sex drive has been discussed in enough areas to be pretty well known to at times be low or less than then the male sex drive.

 

There is actually a Female Viagra that is in testing that they are hoping will hit the market soon. Unfortunately/fortunately female sexuality is much more complex than male and has been hard to create a happy little blue pill.

 

I know, even for myself, there are times where mentally I want sex but I just can't drum up the feelings to get turned on. It just isn't there if I am dealing with high stress or exhaustion. For my husband, even with a 102 temperature he can drum up the desire and ability.

 

I think sexual incompatibility can be on both ends. With my ex, he had a much lower drive than me. We would discuss it. I think that there are many women who are in marriages where they want to have sex more often but their partner isn't interested.

[jlola]

Then again I tend to want both honesty and exclusivity in any relationship, whether marriage or EMR. To each their own.

 

Am I the only one this didn't make any sense to? If you are so picky and want exclusivity in your relationship, you would never start up with a MM in the first place. Andthe "honesty" part, you just want the honesty to be to you. Who cares who else he lies to.

 

Sorry, but I can never understand this line of thinking. It is ok if the person is a thief, a liar, a con man. I am fine with that. As long as it is not done to me?

 

This is exactly what is wrong with society. It's all about ME! Who cares if the people I hang with have low character.

 

Are people actually raising kids with these sort of values? "Well dear, I know your BFF is a backstabber and basically steals from his parent,lies to them,manipulates them and disrespects them, But it's ok to be friends with her because as long as she doesn't backstab you. All is well" "Better to have backstabber as friend than no friend at all. "Just do not accept anyone backstabbing you, since you are oh so special. After all, I raised you to have no empathy for others, your only concern should be yourself"