MM/MW not sleeping w/ BS a "myth"

[So happy together]

I think full transparency is about being transparent with and about yourself, not about spilling other peoples secrets.. What Lil's OM shared was something personal about his wife, which is none of Lil's business. I can understand trying to be supportive for other women, but this is one of those examples where the violation of privacy and trust is plainly obvious, and trying to justify that what her MM told her is OK is a far reach.

 

It is one thing to say "I prefer women who groom" it is another thing to say "ermmahgawd, my wife doesn't groom, isn't that gross, see how she neglects my wants and needs?"

 

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business. "Honey, I can't reconcile with you until you tell me every single place, time, position, etc"... right.

[MissBee]

Just because you don't share everything with your partner doesn't mean WE don't.

 

Jeez... It thought it was all about 'full transparency'... suddenly WE have to have boundaries? Make a decision.

 

 

I think there is a difference between transparency in your own, non-triangulated relationship vs. when your partner has another relationship in which you're acting as silent partner, weighing in, looking in, and knowing everything about the other person and the relationship. However, understandably, in an affair, boundaries have already been bulldozed, so it's hard for people to know what's their business and what isn't, unless the MP themselves, sets the tone by making it clear that the marriage is not really the AP's concern and only certain things will be divulged about it. Some "schools of thought" on conducting affairs believe that they should know every and all things about the BS and the marriage, down to what color panties the BS favors, other schools believe the marriage is a separate relationship from the affair and therefore is not their concern, so less is best.

[Silly_Girl]

I think full transparency is about being transparent with and about yourself, not about spilling other peoples secrets.. What Lil's OM shared was something personal about his wife, which is none of Lil's business. I can understand trying to be supportive for other women, but this is one of those examples where the violation of privacy and trust is plainly obvious, and trying to justify that what her MM told her is OK is a far reach.

 

It is one thing to say "I prefer women who groom" it is another thing to say "ermmahgawd, my wife doesn't groom, isn't that gross, see how she neglects my wants and needs?"

 

That's something. The things xMM spoke about were essentially what affected his life... How he felt about her affair, or how he felt about the no sex no kids thing. Not about her and why she did/didn't do things. That's why it never felt like gossiping. We were in love and talk about our lives, and she was/had been a part of his life. She wasn't the subject matter and he was careful not to talk too much about her feelings about things, her disabled mum, when her dad died etc. They're private and that's fine by me.

[thefooloftheyear]

So, you've never said anything to anyone ever about your partner? Right.

 

And he did ride off into the sunset.

 

 

No...Id never did..In fact, I pointed out the good aspects about her and when the AP pushed me about it, I told her it was none of her damned business...

 

All you do is cut up that woman..It just seems a bit much..It reeks of insecurity, quite frankly..

 

TFY

[So happy together]

 

I think there is a difference between transparency in your own, non-triangulated relationship vs. when your partner has another relationship in which you're acting as silent partner, weighing in, looking in, and knowing everything about the other person and the relationship. However, understandably, in an affair, boundaries have already been bulldozed, so it's hard for people to know what's their business and what isn't, unless the MP themselves, sets the tone by making it clear that the marriage is not really the AP's concern and only certain things will be divulged about it. Some "schools of thought" on conducting affairs believe that they should know every and all things about the BS and the marriage, down to what color panties the BS favors, other schools believe the marriage is a separate relationship from the affair and therefore is not their concern, so less is best.

 

Miss Bee,

 

I agree there are different schools of thought. So my question is, why attack Lil... she is telling her story. It's not up for debate whether it was right or wrong, it is hers. And it is HIS life... if he wants to share it, he has that right.

[MissBee]

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business. "Honey, I can't reconcile with you until you tell me every single place, time, position, etc"... right.

 

SHT...please be real.

 

I hope you're not in fact being serious.

 

I was the OW before...but I didn't lose all good sense. I KNEW intuitively and in a common sense way that our relationship happened against the backdrop of betrayal and was a "stepping out" scenario and didn't have the same exact rules. I can't take OW seriously who don't realize this.

 

Reconciling a marriage is working through a betrayal in which your partner stepped out on you WITH their affair partner! Clearly...or I thought it was clear all the same, that when you betray someone, the steps to reconciling will include transparency about the affair, as THAT, is what it is being reconciled from. It's not as though you're asking about all details about some person your spouse dated before you or about their ex wife...as that is indeed none of the current spouse's business...why?? It happened before them and had NOTHING to do with them. However, when you're in an affair, you are conducting simultaneous relationships and essentially breaching an existing contract and thus the affair relationship, in a reconciliation, will absolutely not be given the same courtesy...cannot be! An affair encroaches on a marriage....not the other way around. This is plain common sense...and for this reason alone, an affair will not be given the same respect as one would give to the privacy of a relationship which occurs before the marriage or as the marriage itself.

 

If you're in an affair...be in it...but know what makes sense and what doesn't. Know what to reasonably expect and what not to. In any case, no matter what some OW would like in an affair, i.e. the MM will never tell all details when you reconcile, for society to just act like it is the same as any other relationship...it isn't reality...no one acts like that, so it's falling on deaf ears, and as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride! It's a mere wish...but not anything realistic.

[So happy together]

Every single BS may not agree with me, and I with them. Don't take what I say and apply it to every single BS, it would do your argument no good. It is better to come up with your own ideas.

 

You are correct. I apologize. 'A lot' of BS's do. Wasn't there recently a thread about a BS who wanted to 'do it' where her WS had 'done it' with his OW? How did she know where they did it? It just seems hypocritical thinking to attack Lil when it was her MM's life and they were sharing their feelings. My BF tells me everything. That's what makes our R so rich. I wouldn't trade it. The things he told me were part of his ache. Part of why he was sad. Part of why it was over between them. He was processing and as his best friend and lover, I'm not going to turn my back when he needs a shoulder. I didn't judge her to him or anyone else. I talk about it here because it is anonymous, and it is my experience, just like Lil.

[So happy together]

SHT...please be real.

 

I hope you're not in fact being serious.

 

I was the OW before...but I didn't lose all good sense. I KNEW intuitively and in a common sense way that our relationship happened against the backdrop of betrayal and was a "stepping out" scenario and didn't have the same exact rules. I can't take OW seriously who don't realize this.

 

Reconciling a marriage is working through a betrayal in which your partner stepped out on you WITH their affair partner! Clearly...or I thought it was clear all the same, that when you betray someone, the steps to reconciling will include transparency about the affair, as THAT, is what it is being reconciled from. It's not as though you're asking about all details about some person your spouse dated before you or about their ex wife...as that is indeed none of the current spouse's business...why?? It happened before them and had NOTHING to do with them. However, when you're in an affair, you are conducting simultaneous relationships and essentially breaching an existing contract and thus the affair relationship, in a reconciliation, will absolutely not be given the same courtesy...cannot be! An affair encroaches on a marriage....not the other way around. This is plain common sense...and for this reason alone, an affair will not be given the same respect as one would give to the privacy of a relationship which occurs before the marriage or as the marriage itself.

 

If you're in an affair...be in it...but know what makes sense and what doesn't. Know what to reasonably expect and what not to. In any case, no matter what some OW would like in an affair, i.e. the MM will never tell all details when you reconcile, for society to just act like it is the same as any other relationship...it isn't reality...no one acts like that, so it's falling on deaf ears, and as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride! It's a mere wish...but not anything realistic.

 

Respectfully, it is nothing the same. Because when we were steeped in the A, my bf talked to me. He told me things. We were thick as thieves. We were best friends. We enjoyed every second together. We laughed all day. Those are things he did not have with his W... so yes, it was different. We had a GOOD relationship where his R with BS was nonexistent.

[Lady2163]

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business. "Honey, I can't reconcile with you until you tell me every single place, time, position, etc"... right.

 

That does open a huge double standard and will not make very many BS hapoy here.

 

This topic is striking at the very heart of th affair.

 

1. Many BS (myself included) probably can't help but remember those times they said no to sex. There may have been reasons, good reasons, but I for one did spend a lot of time wondering, "what if I had said, yes".

 

2. The MS had sex with another person

 

3. The MS WANTED to have sex with another person.

 

4. It is inevitable for many that they can't help but wonder, "What did he say about me to her? What else? What did she say in response?". No matter how good your self esteem it takes a hit.

 

And also, in the case of MM/BW/OW, I think there may be that moment when the BW remembers all the times she had complained about the husband to best friend or other friends. She may have told things that were private. Mind you, her husband wouldn't like the best friend to know he has a small penis, but she can say that because she's married to him (sarcasm).

 

Side note: one night I was at a wine party with the girls. We got raunchy. One woman went home and told her husband, who told the men. It was not pretty for many of us. I told the woman I would never trust her with any sensitive information again. Some forgave her, some didn't.

[threelaurels]

I keep seeing this and just saw someone else on another thread tell someone they were crazy if they thought this was true.

 

I know a lot of MM/MW may say this, from what I have read here. I know SO many people irl in sexless marriages, I'm not sure why people do not believe this. That's the only thing my exH and I were good at but I have many friends that have been in sexless marriages for years (and they are not saying it to justify affairs, either, I should add) and it amazes me to see people posting here about it as well.

 

I don't think it is as unbelievable and extraordinary as some would like to believe. Mind you, I'm not saying all MM/MW are telling the truth about sexless marriages and I'm not saying it should justify an affair, but I think perhaps more than some may believe.

 

All I can tell you is that my ex and I were having sex three times a day when he cheated with mOW. I don't think he told her we were having sex infrequently, but he did tell her that I wasn't putting out enough for him. Meanwhile, we were having sex so often that I would get bruises and pain during intercourse.

 

I believe dead bedrooms can exist, but I don't see why an AP would put so much faith in a MP's assertion that they are not having sex with the BS. Even if they aren't having sex, do you really think the MP would turn down an invitation--especially when it would raise red flags? I think MP have a number of reasons to lie to the AP about their sex life but very few reasons to tell the truth.

 

I would be certainly be concerned about my SO being unfaithful if he was spending time alone and/or sleeping in the same bed with a woman he once had a romantic relationship with. Most women would jump to the conclusion that their SO might be cheating in those circumstances, yet APs seem to do the opposite and insist their partner isn't cheating.

[jlola]

I don't think loving someone is justification. And some may suffer, some may not. And I'm sorry if you can't understand that a lot of affairs are a 'great love'.

 

I do understand why you are saying these things... but for me, it just sounds like you trying to tear down what some OW really do feel is their 'great love'. You've no right to try and take that from them.

 

 

"Many affairs are great love"? Do you truly understand the meaning of the word love as opposed to lust?

http://www.relationship-help.com/articlesdetail.asp?id=64

Edited August 1, 2013 by jlola

[Lady2163]

Well, in regards to LilOW I think a lot of people here are very sensitive when it comes to her story. A lot of the things that she has posted goes beyond crossing boundaries, it is almost invading the WS' life... things where even the OW/M have said "OK, now that is *****ed up and too much". Whenever she posts it is just another example of how inappropriate her and her MM's relationship seems to be, even when compared to others who are involved in infidelity.

 

Lil's relationship is full of flavor. It makes Vanilla heads spin.

[HopingAgain]

My MM is a couch sleeper, bought a couch for downstairs rec room for that specifically.

 

I agree every man wont sleep with anything with a vagina.... I know some TMI about BS's lack of "grooming" down there for the past almost decade that makes MM cringe.

 

Based on everything you've shared with us, I'm now convinced that this MM of yours is an abuser. Woe to you if you EVER become his "main woman."

 

Also, he is only saying this stuff to try to convince you that he ISN'T sleeping with his wife. How childish, and I hope you aren't foolish enough to believe him.

[Quiet Storm]

I think some of the marriages are sexless and some are not. There have been OW on here whose MMs swore no sex with wife, only to have the wife end up pregnant.

 

The thing is, even if mm is not having with his wife, this does not make him more likely to leave his marriage. It actually makes him content, because his needs are being met. OW is used as a supplement to the marriage.

 

It's like hiring a part time employee when your long time, permanent employee is not able to keep up with the work. You don't want to fire the employee that's been there so long and does the job well- so you hire someone to pick up the slack.

 

MM are trying to find ways to stay married. Ow gives him the sexual/ romantic outlet that he needs so that he can remain married.

 

He doesn't have to bug his wife for sex anymore and BW gets relieved of this duty. He doesn't have to argue about his unmet needs. He doesn't have to concern himself with the problems in the marriage, because nothing is prompting him to resolve the issues.

[MissBee]

Respectfully, it is nothing the same. Because when we were steeped in the A, my bf talked to me. He told me things. We were thick as thieves. We were best friends. We enjoyed every second together. We laughed all day. Those are things he did not have with his W... so yes, it was different. We had a GOOD relationship where his R with BS was nonexistent.

 

You made this comment:

 

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business...

 

I was responding to and explaining how the transparency necessary for a reconciliation requires divulging the A and why an A won't be given the same privacy and is indeed the business of the BS versus a relationship which happened before the marriage or the marriage itself and versus the M being the OW's business. The post you quoted by me, that's what is was explaining, the difference between why an A in reconciliation is the BS's business versus why the M is not the AP's business.

 

I am genuinely confused at your last response about how good your relationship with your bf was in comparison to him and his BS. I'm not sure how that fits, rebuts or is even germane to what I said. If you just wanted to tell us yet again about that, you could have done so without quoting what I said, making me think it was actually about that.

[HopingAgain]

I will remember this when every single BS tries to reconcile and wants to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the R with the OW and MM... Remember that. It's NONE of BS's business. "Honey, I can't reconcile with you until you tell me every single place, time, position, etc"... right.

 

I can see where you'd feel that, but hold on...not so fast! The difference is in the commitment level between a marriage and between 2 people just effing around in an affair. You promise your honor and fidelity and loyalty to one person, the other...not so much! So of course the level of responsibility is according to the amount of commitment present and if you are reconciling a marriage, darn right the WS is REQUIRED to disclose all. It's a betrayal to the spouse to even go there as far as disclosing info to the AP to begin with.

[HopingAgain]

Lil's relationship is full of flavor. It makes Vanilla heads spin.

 

I'm nowhere near Vanilla, you can call me 31 flavors...and her relationship makes me sick.

[Eggplant]

When I found out MM was M, he tried to say this, that, and the other about his marriage, how it was just a piece of paper, how they slept apart, how they always fought, etc., etc. I told him I didn't care to know about his marriage, the business of married couples wasn't my concern. When the W called to say he had a W, she was prepared with rebuttals for all of the accusations and more I hadn't heard. I didn't ask her about any of it. She didn't have to defend herself to me or to anybody.

[HopingAgain]

Oh come on' date=' three times a day? :lmao::lmao:Like who would have time to have an affair let alone the need. I did not read all this thread as I knew it would be complete bllsht. I can tell you that an affair is not even about sex sometimes.[/quote']

 

I have had sex that many times with my EX Husband, as well as with the current. Its called having a high libido. And both have cheated, so it does happen.

[bentleychic]

I have had sex that many times with my EX Husband, as well as with the current. Its called having a high libido. And both have cheated, so it does happen.

 

 

Yup yup yup. 3x a day or more is awesome. Depending on how fast your man "recovers", you can do way more than that. May not be able to walk afterwards, but walking is overrated when you have wobbly legs and a nice comfy bed to lay in, anyway.

[threelaurels]

Oh come on' date=' three times a day? :lmao::lmao:Like who would have time to have an affair let alone the need. I did not read all this thread as I knew it would be complete bllsht. I can tell you that an affair is not even about sex sometimes.[/quote']

 

A sex addict.

 

My ex's affair with mOW was mainly about sex, but I'm aware that not all affairs are like that. He would meet with her on the weekends when I wasn't around due to work. His hand wasn't good enough to pull him through those 72 hours that I was gone, so he started cheating. Never underestimate the power of sex addiction.

[bentleychic]

LOL A sex addict? Ohhhhkay.

 

It amazes me that people think 3x a day is so bizarre. Even when I was with (now) exH and hugely pregnant, we were very active...2-3x a day. To some people, that is not abnormal.

[HopingAgain]

Yup yup yup. 3x a day or more is awesome. Depending on how fast your man "recovers", you can do way more than that. May not be able to walk afterwards, but walking is overrated when you have wobbly legs and a nice comfy bed to lay in, anyway.

 

Amen to that! lol

[HopingAgain]

Ok I concede three times a day times 3 minutes

 

That wouldn't even be worth getting undressed for! LOL!

[So happy together]

You made this comment:

 

 

 

I was responding to and explaining how the transparency necessary for a reconciliation requires divulging the A and why an A won't be given the same privacy and is indeed the business of the BS versus a relationship which happened before the marriage or the marriage itself and versus the M being the OW's business. The post you quoted by me, that's what is was explaining, the difference between why an A in reconciliation is the BS's business versus why the M is not the AP's business.

 

I am genuinely confused at your last response about how good your relationship with your bf was in comparison to him and his BS. I'm not sure how that fits, rebuts or is even germane to what I said. If you just wanted to tell us yet again about that, you could have done so without quoting what I said, making me think it was actually about that.

 

I misunderstood your post... well a part of it I think... Sorry about that. In fact I think I may have responded to you when I meant to respond to another. But, I guess what you can take from the weird thing that I did say is that the reason (at least my) bf shared was because we were and are all of the things I said. I'm not even defending myself, my deal is over and done and we're not in an affair dynamic anymore. But I know that MM and OW a large portion of the time share tons of things together. They are close. So, of course boundaries will blur. Whether others think it is right or wrong, that is just human nature.