All I can do is just SMH

[QuestionLove73]

So I have written a couple times here in the past and things have gotten utterly insane in my life.

 

First for those that don't know, we were living in MD where my wife was suffering through severe depression, enough that she would almost never leave the bedroom except for going to the bathroom. In mid-2011 she threatened to move back to NY with or without me, even to the point that she was going to leave the kids with me. Hindsight being what it is I should have let her go through that, but I did not. We moved to NY (upstate), bought a house in 2012, and she seemingly started to get better.

 

Better is now she is feeling that the past 13 years that we have been together, and she has been depressed, that she wants to relive those years. This includes her going out 1-3 times a week to go hang out with her friends, usually from the hours of 7p to 1a. Many of these times it's with a guy from work, which she denies having an affair (but she has done this before pre-marriage for 5 months). Every time she goes out, I worry, I get upset, I contemplate why am I even doing this. Last night she went out, drank too much, and fell asleep at the guys house. She of course denies anything happens, and even if that is the case, it's a serious breech of general courtesy for your partner to go out aimlessly multiple times a week while you are at home, having to put a 5 and 6 year old to bed, and then wonder when your wife is coming home.

 

I don't see her stopping this. Her new found freedoms give her "fun and excitement" while things like housework is never done. She works part time, drives a X5 1.5 miles to go to work, and is living the life. I on the other hand have a full time job and I restarted a side business just so we can make ends meet.

 

To say the balance of the relationship is tilted is an understatement. When we first got together it was 60/40, now it seems 95/5. She does housework when she feels like it, and it's selective. She spends little time with the kids, enough that my oldest is really recognizing when she is not participating in her life.

 

I was so close to just handing her my ring last night. But I have my own issues that has been blocking me for years. Co-dependency on love, a desire to make people happy, emptiness when I am single, a fear that at nearly 40 years old, 2 kids, greying hair, that I am undesirable. Part of me knows I am, I am successful, I have two great kids, I am kind, I am loving to a fault. But when it comes to ending relationships I have been unable to follow through.

 

I need to get over this hump. I need to start to do for my family. I am just unsure and frightened of the paths I will have to take.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you've done all you can here. You can either let this go on and continue to suffer, or make a break for it and see what single life has in store for you. Honestly, long term can it be more of a struggle than staying in this dynamic forever?

 

Have you done marriage counseling together? If so, what were the results? If not, why?

[eddyctv]

First of all...STOP BEING A DOORMAT! You are letting her walk all over you!

 

Next, get a keylogger program for your computer (cheap, easy to install) and/or buy a recording device and slip it in her car before she goes out at night. You'll have all the answers you need by the end of the week.

 

I usually don't jump to the "she's cheating on you" conclusion, but, in this case, I believe she is.

 

Cut the cord, get rid of her, you'll get the kids, buy some cheap exercise equipment and start getting in shape for the REAL love of your life. She's a complete loser!

[QuestionLove73]

Given that i used to work on the security side in the fed, things like tracking and key-loggers are a breeze. However legally it's walking on thin ice and I would not want to jeopardize my ability to get custody if it comes down to that.

 

I have exhausted everything over and over again. Last brilliant move on my part is the house we bought. All in attempts to make her happy and whole. We see where that went.

[revitup]

The biggest sign of some other guy is the fact you feel there could be another guy! Trust your gut on this one.

 

40 years old is a whole lot better than 49 years old and stopping it! 40 is nothing my man,do not worry about your next relationship nor your grey hair.You can dye grey hair, there is no cure for a cheating heart and dishonesty

 

You sound like a man who cares about others,I fell into the rescuer trap as well.It will never work if you are the only one who cares.Haven't you heard that the one who cares the least in a relationship controls the relationship?

 

Nobody should ever see this woman's behavior as being innocent.This is degrading to me and I am not married to her.You would never do this to her,but you allow her to abuse you and that is exactly what she is doing.

 

I say confront her and set STRONG boundaries now-if you want to stay in this marriage.You alone know if you like the treatment you are getting.

 

I will say that once you get out of the fog and see what you have been changing into you will never want or allow anyone else to treat you this way.

 

Good luck,a lot of us have been exactly where you find yourself today.Thank God I am not there today.

 

REVITUP

[QuestionLove73]

She has of course gone out a few more times since this last post. The last one took the cake last night. She went out at 7p only to come back at 9p pissed off at her male friends she has been hanging with (apparently he was being a jerk). She put on her night clothes, even asked me to go out and buy her ice cream (which I did, the sucka I am). Tried to have sex and I was rejected. I turned over and went to sleep. She then proceeded to go over to this guy's house again to "argue and drink". I think she stayed there past 5am.

 

To boot my daughter had a slight fever when she went to bed, and then turned into a throw-up-fest in my bed. Much to my surprise when I woke up, my wife was not there.

 

We spent a couple hours texting and talking on the phone today. She still does not see it being a problem that she is hanging out as often as as long as she is. I iterated a few times that I cannot be in a relationship where I am feeling like this. She then proceeded to tell me that "well if we split not much would change since I would be paying alimony and child support". Mind you if we split I am going to go for child custody. No way I am walking out of this without my children.

 

I am just exhausted from all this. She just feels she has to have fun and excitement, and to hell with what that does to us (even though she denies that is the case).

[revitup]

Is this for real?

 

If so 73 ,you are a cuckold or something.I went through hell and back.....I thought,but this garbage would never have been allowed to happen in my house.

 

I suggest that the next time she is going over to some dude's to argue screw and drink all night,you put her junk on the side walk and lock the doors.I would screw the doors shut to keep her out of my bed!

 

And why in the name of common sense are you trying to have sex with her?

 

You might as well get a Dr to give you an STD in his office.

 

I don't understand this at all.Have I missed something here?

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

I'm not done yet,

 

"She still does not see it being a problem that she is hanging out as often as as long as she is."

 

Hanging out....that's what she calls adultery?

 

Keyloggers? No need for all that when she is telling you everything she's doing.

 

I am angry at your wife but I am somewhat mad with you for being such a tater-head for allowing her to do so.

 

I feel sorry for you and if you were my friend I would get me a switch (like my family did to me) and switch your legs with it until you woke up.

 

REVITUP

[Yasuandio]

What is SMH? I don't get it. Please advise. Yas

[Misfortune]

What is SMH? I don't get it. Please advise. Yas

 

Shake my head

[Yasuandio]

Thanks misfortune for defining SMH. Indeed, I am also "shaking my head" after reading some of this thread, oh dear. I took my photo aviator down. I don't really know what to say anymore on LS. This one seriously takes the CAKE. But Revitup has drawn up some very good questions that the OP should really take under careful consideration. Maybe tomorrow, I will have a better POV on this. But I don't know anymore sometimes. Yas

[Misfortune]

Thanks misfortune for defining SMH. Indeed, I am also "shaking my head" after reading some of this thread, oh dear. I took my photo aviator down. I don't really know what to say anymore on LS. This one seriously takes the CAKE. But Revitup has drawn up some very good questions that the OP should really take under careful consideration. Maybe tomorrow, I will have a better POV on this. But I don't know anymore sometimes. Yas

 

Every time you think you've seen/heard everything, something new comes along and takes the cake. I always find it a bit eh when grown folks (late 30s and onward) act like OPs wife is. Such teenage behavior.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Dear QL73:

 

Picture if you can. You, and a lovely woman you love next to the warm fire in your house. Your kids sitting on the floor playing a game. You and the lovely woman shring a story of your work days, with a glass of wine.

 

You put the kids to bed and hustle off to your own bed for some nookie and snuggling followed by sleeping all wrapped up in each others arms.

 

That picture COULD BE YOU a year from now.

 

or 10 years from now, you have HPV, and she's sleeping at her boyfriends house 5 times a week while you pay her allowance to party.

 

Just sayin.

 

You got choices man.

[Yasuandio]

Every time you think you've seen/heard everything, something new comes along and takes the cake. I always find it a bit eh when grown folks (late 30s and onward) act like OPs wife is. Such teenage behavior.

 

Really, makes me wonder, like, why I decided to become a Supporting Member. This LS is starting to sound insane. Normally, I can come up with at least one suggestion. But this thing leaves me speechless. I am going to make a prayer for you tonight, OP, that I can think of something constructive to tell you tomorrow. Yas

Edited August 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

[RonaldS]

73, I'm normally an advocate of civil and equitable ways of handling these situations.

 

However....

 

In this case, it's time to employ the BGTFO strategy.

 

In BGTFO, we let our trifling little wife go out on her trifling little date with her boyfriends. While she is gone, we carefully or not so carefully place her belongings in the lawn. We may or may not decide to cover her belongings with a tarp if it is raining (your call). While we are placing her belongings in the yard, we will have a locksmith changing our locks. Then we turn off our phone, have a couple of glasses of wine, and go to bed.

 

BGTFO is not the most mature or rational strategy, but it's not meant to be. It's meant only to send a message, and that message is...well...BGTFO.

 

In the morning, after whatever drama ensues, you file for divorce. This chick is out of her mind.

Edited August 8, 2013 by RonaldS

[Jstub]

Wow.... I thought my stbxw was a cheating whore.... Damn she had class compared to what's going on here... OP... What the heck????? Get rid of her... Yesterday!!! Posting does not help you.

[imtooconfused]

Given that i used to work on the security side in the fed, things like tracking and key-loggers are a breeze. However legally it's walking on thin ice and I would not want to jeopardize my ability to get custody if it comes down to that.

 

Understood that you don't want to jeopardize your custody battle, but you won't have the ammunition that you will need to win custody unless you get some documented proof of her "situation" with the other man. Because it is not legal for you to gather that evidence, you will need to pay whatever it costs to hire a private investigator to document what she is doing behind your back (or more correctly in front of it).

 

Then you have to stand up for your daughter and yourself and file as soon as you can. You don't want your wife to be the role model that your daughter follows.

[JD1977]

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids! They deserve a Mom who cares more for them than her own selfish needs. Plus you are allowing her to make a horrible example for your kids to see as a wife & mother. My advice document the hell out of everything! When she leaves, when she comes home, who she is with and especially that she isn't there when the kids are sick and need her! Over time this info will be helpful.

 

And as far as not being attractive. There is nothing sexier than a man who loves and takes care of his kids at all cost! Good luck!

[vla1120]

I like a previous poster's suggestion of putting her belongings on the front lawn and changing the locks. What was it called? GTFO? Just do it. Your oldest is figuring it out, anyways. It'll only get worse.

[RonaldS]

I like a previous poster's suggestion of putting her belongings on the front lawn and changing the locks. What was it called? GTFO? Just do it. Your oldest is figuring it out, anyways. It'll only get worse.

 

BGTFO....or B*tch, Get The F*ck Out.

 

It's a tactic to be used on a person once they have demonstrated that they have absolutely no respect for their partner.

[QuestionLove73]

Well I am in the precarious position that I have zero evidence that she is cheating. Yes it's most likely, but until I have proof, it's speculation and legally that gets me nowhere. All I can go by is what she is saying, which in itself is damning. She is going out, till very late, hanging with her friends, drinking, and abdicating her responsibilities as a mother and wife.

 

I had some brief conversations with a lawyer about this, and I am still in a pickle. NY is still heavily pro-wife so I have to make sure I have every little thing in order before things can go their course. I am documenting everything that is going on, and tried to backtrack some of the history.

 

And no I cannot legally kick her out. Legally she is on the mortgage and has a right to the house for now. I am not going to do anything intentionally that will jeopardize my future or my kids. My goal is to:

 

> divorce

> 100% custody

> no alimony

 

A very hard thing to achieve. But as I see it she does little with the kids, and even less for the house, as far as I am concerned she deserves no alimony. Now that is not to say I wouldn't help her transition into a new phase in her life, but to pay for ages money for what, I just don't subscribe to that.

 

It's a tough road ahead.

[QuestionLove73]

Update. It looks like I have found my evidence in her cheating in text messages. I am going to try to gain some more evidence in the next 24-48 hours, confront her, and end it.

 

God it feels like I hit a brick wall.

[revitup]

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids! They deserve a Mom who cares more for them than her own selfish needs. Plus you are allowing her to make a horrible example for your kids to see as a wife & mother. My advice document the hell out of everything! When she leaves, when she comes home, who she is with and especially that she isn't there when the kids are sick and need her! Over time this info will be helpful.

 

And as far as not being attractive. There is nothing sexier than a man who loves and takes care of his kids at all cost! Good luck!

 

REV loves and takes care of his kids!

 

REVITUP

[carhill]

OP, ask yourself, if you take a firm hand and smack this behavior down, what's the worst thing that could happen? What's your worst fear? Address that fear and you've won, for you.

 

Especially as a father of 2, avoid the psychology of the undesirable. This one dynamic has drug you so far down in the hole that you're inferring your value as a human being turns on a woman liking you. You need a male friend to bust one upside your head. In that vein, firm up those connections with your male friends. You need healthy relationships right now.

 

One day at a time. Face your fear. Good luck.

[vla1120]

Update. It looks like I have found my evidence in her cheating in text messages. I am going to try to gain some more evidence in the next 24-48 hours, confront her, and end it.

 

God it feels like I hit a brick wall.

 

Sorry for the revelation, Question. It doesn't make it any easier to have confirmation, I'm sure. My STBXH keeps asking me "How do you know all of this? You are invading my privacy!" I gave him some words of advice - moving forward, do not get involved with an IT professional who specializes in security. We can hack into pretty much anything and I love a challenge.

 

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Cyber hugs.