completely cut off after 6 years

[unexpectedlyhere]

The fact is: dumpers never want things to get better in their current relationship. They just want out. They'll hold things in until it becomes resentment, reach their limit and then it all comes out. At this point it's too late for you(dumpee) to fix anything because they've spend weeks/months convincing themselves that you're bad for them. We're supposed to be mind readers. I love when dumpers claim they try to "fix" the relationship, and you later find that all they did was hold everything in. They tell the people who support them how bad things are, how much they're trying and how bad the dumpee is. Those people validate their feelings which gives them the confidence boost needed to crush your heart.

 

It takes two to stay and one to end. We(dumpees) can't reconcile/fix a relationship unless our mates also want the same; as distraught as we are, we understand that it takes two. For the dumpers, it apparently takes one to "fix" a relationship. If they can't "fix" it after trying by themselves then the relationship is obviously doomed in their eyes.

 

It's interesting because during the initial courting, these dumpers will go above and beyond to work on keeping a relationship. I guess people are just living for that initial feeling now.

 

This is SO TRUE of my case. Except the last sentence about the initial courting which I felt was pretty equal.

 

Apparently, everyone told my ex "If you were unhappy you were right to leave". That's so easy to say, after knowing someone has left. How about saying "Oh, why didn't you come to us before?"

 

But as a dumpee, I'm so happy my ex did that. It makes me feel better to know I believe in me and us longer than he did.

[keepontruckin]

And anythingbut... Questions about resurfacing? Step back and take an honest look at the situation... Would you really want her back five years down the road?

 

Look at what she did. What my wife did. They left. Without notice, without warning. If there were issues, they could've been addressed. They should've been addressed.

 

My wife would talk about her ex boyfriends from time to time. About how one played too many video games, the other would do this, that, etc... WTF? The pattern was there, and it is there. And I will just be another that she can whine about to her next 20 boyfriends. The pattern had already formed, but I just couldn't see it at the time.

 

One thing I am thankful for, is that I didn't put myself into debt to pay for the wedding... And she can pay for the divorce, since I paid for everything else:laugh:

[lukekarts]

The fact is: dumpers never want things to get better in their current relationship. They just want out. They'll hold things in until it becomes resentment, reach their limit and then it all comes out. At this point it's too late for you(dumpee) to fix anything because they've spend weeks/months convincing themselves that you're bad for them. We're supposed to be mind readers. I love when dumpers claim they try to "fix" the relationship, and you later find that all they did was hold everything in. They tell the people who support them how bad things are, how much they're trying and how bad the dumpee is. Those people validate their feelings which gives them the confidence boost needed to crush your heart.

 

It takes two to stay and one to end. We(dumpees) can't reconcile/fix a relationship unless our mates also want the same; as distraught as we are, we understand that it takes two. For the dumpers, it apparently takes one to "fix" a relationship. If they can't "fix" it after trying by themselves then the relationship is obviously doomed in their eyes.

 

It's interesting because during the initial courting, these dumpers will go above and beyond to work on keeping a relationship. I guess people are just living for that initial feeling now.

 

Oh god. This is so true. Reading this and topic and this reply in particular has my situation written all over it. They validate everything themselves, and it is a horribly naive and immature way to treat a relationship.

[anythingbut]

@keepontruckin

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Yes it may sound bizarre to some people, but our dog was a huge part of our relationship - he's almost like a child! And my god is it such a massive responsbility to be left with when you are single and running a business.

 

People have said about getting him re-homed in order to give me more choice around moving on and living my life, but I refuse to give him up like she has.

 

Interesting to see your thoughts on this, and also to read that a similar thing has happened to you.

 

I guess I just don't understand how people are capable of cutting off their emotions and ties with others so easily - that's what this boils down to for me.

 

It's so far removed from my own nature, I just fail to grasp it.

 

And, of course, it hurts like hell - as for someone to treat you like this just makes you feel as though you are worthless.

[oberon84]

 

@oberon - thanks for your words. I found them particularly useful as it's something I've thought a lot about since we broke up. She always had this ability so to be cold as ice in any situations of dispute, like an ability to cut herself off from me. Like, we'd have a disagreement (which wasn't very often I hasten to add) and if I was trying to get her to back down she'd change persona. She's have this cold distant look in her eyes like she was closing up, and I'd be forced to either escalate the situation by getting emotional or raising my voice, or back down straight away and accept defeat - 9 times out of 10 it would be the latter.

 

I found this side to her frustating, and you're right, if I'm honest I did struggle to understand how she could do it - just kind of cut herself off in a situation that she didn't like to be in. In fact, even as I'm writing this it's starting to make me think about how this side to her could be applied on a larger scale (ie in cutting me off after 6 years)...

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve guys, and I tell people how I feel. I tell my family and friends I love them all the time, whereas she would never do that - even with her family. Yet, she was always so affectionate and caring towards me right throughout the relationship- like, literally we were the most loving couple! ...I never really considered that she could give me the cold shoulder so readily, and of course so permanently, so suddenly.

 

 

I can relate to you in some sense, although my relationship was only two years and we weren't bound together by finances or pets. It was not as severe as what you have experienced.

 

My ex is similar though in terms of a lack of emotion. It's a funny thing though, just as you say in the last paragraph there, my ex was also affectionate and caring towards me. However, there were warnings signs throughout that I should've picked up on. She would often talk coldly of her colleagues and could be quite rude to homeless people if they approached us for spare change. I noticed too that she never really spoke of me when telling people what she'd been up to. When we did things together she would tell people "I" did this or "I" did that. It was never "we". This used to hurt me, but she was oblivious. She never spoke about me to her colleagues either and they all thought she was single for ages until they found out otherwise.

 

We were similar in a lot of ways, but emotionally we were totally different. I wonder too if she will ever just acknowledge how it must've felt from my point of view... but I don't think it's going to happen.

 

It's a learning curve. Before her I thought everyone saw life the way I see it and would treat others the way I do. Very naive I know. But my experience helps me be more selective in my next relationship. Emotional coldness - avoid at all costs!

 

You will get better my friend. Your situation, your job... everything has the potential to change. I'm in a better place now then i would've been had I not been dumped. There were many grey months in the past year, but things are on the up now. I always held onto the hope that life would somehow find a way of getting better. And I know this too - someday another woman is going to come into your life who'll value you so much more and appreciate your sincerity.

 

I also want to add, your love and commitment to your dog is awesome!

[jsflysi]

@anythingbut OMG it's pretty crazy how similar our situations are right now. Wish there was a way I could private message you..

Edited August 1, 2013 by jsflysi

[anythingbut]

@jsflysi feel free to share your stry here and continue the thread. Alternatively you can drop me a line on anythingbut2013 at gmail dot com, happy to chat on a private basis.

 

@oberon - really appreciate the points of view and experience you've brought to the discussion, thanks a lot. I agree about the learning curve-I think I was in such a comfort zone with this relationship, so secure and so focused on a future that never actually existed, I kind of just forgot that were seperate people with seperate personalities. I think in long term relationships you kind of assume that you are 'one' with the other person, and as such you assume they have the same personality/attitudes/values as yourself-when really that is not the case at all, you absolutely remin seperate, and one person can switch at any moment.

 

Like you I never saw any warning signs, but also like you I am learning the hard way that these signs need to be acted upon in the future.

 

By the way, cheers for your kind words about my dog. I can'y lie, it's a full on challenge giving him a decent life, but I'm doing my best and I am absolutely determined not to give up on him, which would be an easy option. We've had him since he was a 7 week old pup and he's now 5 y/o and I couldn't imagine life without him. I take him for a walk in the morning before work, then I take him for a walk on my lunchbreak, then I take him out in the evening after the gym - it's a killer, but when we bought him that is what I signed up for, and I'm gonna keep my end of the bargain

[all_cats_rgray]

I haven't posted in a long time.

 

But,I looked at your post and just wanted to say. YOUR NOT ALONE. IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.

 

I had a 7 year relationship end pretty much the same way. Pretty much. Out of the blue, burst of how its over. A 15 min conversation in a car, of how he does not want to be with me because of "who I am". Odd that it took him 7 years to figure that odd. The BEST advice I got was to NC that ****.

 

It's been a year. So trust me when I say this. You are thinking with your heart right now. Give it time... 8 months. Then you will think logically.

 

Logically, the situation is basic.

 

She does not treat you with respect. AND didn't treat you with respect in the end. SHE is not worth it.

 

ONE day you will find someone that is kind, loving, and know how to talk about relationship problems.

 

Breath, you are deserve better. <3 Your not alone, this is not abnormal. It's not your fault.

[anythingbut]

Hey @all_cats_rgray, thankyou for sharing your thoughts with me - it's kind of reassuring to know that others have found themselves in similiar situations. And whilst I wouldn't wish my current state of mind on my worst enemy, it really helps knowing that people have been able to overcome such situations.

 

8 months you say? That's interesting. Why 8 months?

 

It's amazing really. If someone had told me the day that she left me that it would take the next 8 months of my life to start thinking straight again, I don't know what I would have done. I always kind of hoped that it wouldn't take long to overcome -but as I have pointed out, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse at month 4.

 

Wonder if anyone has experienced similiar - keeps on getting worse to handle, before eventually getting better?

[keepontruckin]

Anything, I too wasn't really aware of how common this actually is, until I started searching around the net after my wife left.

 

The stats don't lie... 50% of marriages will now end in divorce, and women file for divorce 80% of the time. Marriage isn't like it was when we think about our Grandparents time, for instance...

 

And I don't think there is any timeline on when you'll "feel better." In fact, I believe an experience like this will probably never completely leave your thoughts. However, in time it will just be a passing thought, and won't completely consume you. The brain usually does a pretty good job, eventually pushing the crappy experiences out of the way, thus allowing better thoughts and desires to take lead. Unfortunately, only time can make this happen (short of a lobotomy or some serious pharmaceuticals)

 

I'm still not "over" the loss of my wife, but what did help me somewhat with putting things in perspective, is to focus on her negatives. You see, when they leave, they have allowed themselves to focus only on everything negative, while you (and me) were just focusing on everything positive about them. Let's not fool ourselves... We're not perfect, but they certainly weren't either. If you cannot keep thoughts of her out of your mind, try to remember the times when she wasn't perfect, when she wasn't nice... Remember her flaws.

 

Basically turn the table, and remember the good things that you did, and the crappy things that she did.

[Misfortune]

I admire marriage back in our grandparents time and such. I'm sure all these things like cheating and such still happened but I don't feel it was a rampant as it is in today's culture. At least people were more willing to actually communicate with each other and work things out before quitting. Everything/everyone is disposable/replaceable by the next day so, what reason is there to work towards fixing what you have? There are so many ways to be deceitful without your spouse knowing thanks to technology, it's sick. I always felt marriage was taken much more seriously than it is. I expect marriage to be a merging of 2 souls who trust, support and love each other. From what I've seen today, marriage is: "I'll try it to see if it'll make me love you enough to tell the other person no", people making their own vows in their heads (ex: "...through good or until the next person smiles at me"). How can you seriously go into a marriage and be considering divorce the next day, week or month?

 

Anything less than a year is nothing to me in marriage time.

[keepontruckin]

Misfortune, I agree. Now, I'm not a religious man, but the vows I did take, I did take seriously.

 

The funny thing was, when my wife started "gaslighting," the date, times, and locations of all said offences happened just after the marriage ceremony...

 

No complaints about anything pre-marriage. Perhaps she thought things would be different after marriage? A leprechaun would show up with a pot of gold? I'd turn into a young Johnny Depp? I'm not sure what goes through her mind:laugh:

[Misfortune]

They panic after saying "I do" as if they signed an agreement that takes away their soul. The thought of never having another d**k/p***y is just too much to bare.

[jonsnuh]

Is it that women tend to break-up right around 25 if they've been in a similar situation as OP? Especially if they've just graduated and accepted a prestigious job?

 

I feel that this is because they've found new self-worth and that there are plenty of people out there that they can finally f@%k.

 

All I can say is that OP, you and I went the very same ordeal. Some women are fickle, and especially when they lead you on, until one day they say they "had spent time thinking about what she wanted" when they asked you to give them a whole month to study for exams. Then she ends up ignoring you for a week before giving you the formal email stating that she never wants to see you again, nor wants to give you another chance regardless of what you say or do.

 

It's tough. It's really tough love. For someone so close to suddenly be even more distant than a stranger on the road. Especially if she was your first. I'm trying to put myself back together and to be an even greater person than she ever could be so that the next relationship will be 10x better than with her.

 

This post sums it up: She will not come back for you. She has moved on. She probably had a power-trip and "got-off" playing with you and when she got bored, she decided to end it. She has no time for you nor will ever want you in her life again.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/40503-she-says-we-wont-getting-back-together-does-she-mean#post239930

 

Best thing is to be selfish and self-centred, to focus on yourself. Especially with the time I've lost with her that is forever sunk, you need to bounce back right away.

Edited August 5, 2013 by jonsnuh

[unexpectedlyhere]

Female dumpee here: boys can do it too!

[anythingbut]

thanks for your input @johnsuh.

 

Sounds like you've also had your fingers burned big time brother.

 

@unexpectedlyhere - absolutely agreed!

[Pure Life]

I definitely share your pain. My situation is somewhat similar. Left after 3 years for another girl he only knew for a week. He pretty much went cold turkey on me as well but has recently been contacting me. I've been ignoring him for 6 months even when he tries to contact. It's super hard for me not to reply but he told me he wanted me out of his life and it helps me heal.

[daftpunk]

This post sums it up: She will not come back for you. She has moved on. She probably had a power-trip and "got-off" playing with you and when she got bored, she decided to end it. She has no time for you nor will ever want you in her life again.

 

Oh, did you consult your crystal ball and everything too? Give me a break. You probably don't even know what you're having for dinner tonight, let alone what this woman is going to do a few months in the future.

 

To the OP: No one can predict the future. Don't bank on her returning, but if your relationship was as good as you claim it was (aside for the last little bit), I'd say the odds of her coming back for an eventual *chance* at reconciliation are pretty good. For the most part, you've played your cards pretty well. Just keep on truckin'.

 

Whether or not you'll even want to reconcile at that point is even less certain.

[anythingbut]

@pure life - similar experience you say? Would be really interested to hear your experience? So your partner left you for someone else, and then six months later started contacting you again? Would like to know more?

 

@daftpunk - thankyou brother. Re: the comments you referred to - yes I was aware that they didn't apply to my situation as there was no playing around with me at any point, just straight up out of my life in heartbeat.

 

Guys, I can never see her coming back, she was/is a very stubborn girl and hell would freeze over before she would ever go back on a decision of this magnitude, which has affected our lives so significantly. And also I would never be able to trust her again.

 

I guess what I need is closure, and to know that she will always love me as I will her - in spite of what she has done.

[Saber_Tooth]

anythingbut, I've been reading so much on LS, but your thread finally made me want to sign up for an account so I could reply. I am 2 mos into a breakup from a 6-year relationship; we were planning our wedding for next summer. It ended very badly, with him leaving me for a co-worker.

 

The reason I wanted to reply is to let you know you're not alone out there. Everything you've written I have felt and thought. The pain over these past two months is indescribable and like nothing I've known. He was my best friend and my team-mate, and the emptiness that his absence left behind is almost unbearable. I too feel like I have gone somewhat backwards in my progress: as our real relationship gets farther away, it becomes even harder for me to understand why this happened. Knowing that he is happy in his new life while I am so low has made me doubt myself in ways I didn't even know were possible. Thinking that there must be something awful, unloveable about me for him to feel so free while I am so down. Unfortunately I'm not yet sure how we'll get through this. I hope you will keep posting. Especially when you start feeling better. Everyone tells us that we will, so I have to believe that it will happen, but I don't know when or how.

[anythingbut]

Hi Saber,

 

Thanks for your reply, and I'm really sorry to read of the upset that has been done to you.

 

Okay, so what I will say is this; having signed up for this website last week at what was possibly the lowest point I have been at over the last 5 months, fast forward a week and I am feeling a significant improvement. Now, as well know, when a long term relationship ends so suddenly, there will inevitably be ups and downs along the way as we try to overcome our grief.

 

With this is mind, I know I have got more to come on the rocky road ahead - but at the moment, one week after my lowest point, I feel a lot better. I think, as humans, there is only so much pain we can take before we finally have to start accepting our situation - and that is the key, acceptance.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still thing about her first thing when I wake up in the morning. I am still dreaming about her every night - imagining that we are going on holidays, taking the dog out, sat across the table from her in a restaurant - all those cruel things that your mind does to keep you infatuated. But somehow, this week I feel a lot stronger - unlike last week, it's not crushing me to think about her turning her back on us, and everything we had. This week, I feel a bit more objective about the situation - I am reflecting a bit more (not much, but more than last week) about what the future holds.

 

I really believe that getting my feelings out on here last week, when I was practically on my knees with despair, laying everything bare to let everyone read and cast their opinions on, helped me so much - and for that reason, when you're ready, I would encourage you to do the same. Hearing the stories of others, knowing that there are others out there feeling the same, has somehow humbled me into suddenly feeling a lot more passive about the situation than I have so far in the 5 months since she left me.

 

People like @keepontruckin, above. @unexpectedlyhere's story and diary:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/412538-healing

 

Being around people, even if it is in a 'cyber-capacity', who are going through similar to us - is therapeutic and has definitely helped. Giving advice to others on here has helped as well, as has just getting my feelings written down.

 

As I say, though, I am perfectly aware that there will be more downturns along the way, so I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it, but one thing I read on here the other day by a poster who's name I can't remember, really resonated with me:

 

we associate the pain we are feeling with the person who has left us, therefore, we won't allow ourselves to let go of the pain we are feeling, because that means we would be letting go of the other person. We therefore hang on to the pain because, subconsciously, we are hanging on to that other person and don't what to let them go.

 

Please feel free to share your story @saber - I promise it will help.

 

And yes, I will continue to chart my progress

[minimad]

Reading this has opened my eyes. I was with my ex for just over 5 years.

What happened to you was exactly the same I had, only she kept my dog.

She would not let me leave her place for a month as she would say a big part of her said she is mad to let me go and how upsetting it was for her. In that month I tried everything to win her back. And the one thing I will never understand is for that month she would keep telling me that I will always be her best friend and how she will always want me in her life. She made so many promises then broke everyone. Within a week i was unfriended on facebook. Dumpers will do anything to make themselfs feel better. My ex tried to tell friends and family everything was my fault until her own sister put them right.

So far I'm nearly 3 months no contact and I have done every bit of searching the net to get answers the one thing I found is there are no answers.

 

something a good friend said to me.

In the old days if something was broken we would try to fix it. Nowdays if something is broken we replace it.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Wow I get a link! Thank you

 

You sound like a different person to a week ago, AB. You're not out of the water yet - none of us are or we wouldn't be here - but you're definitely doing well.

 

Those thoughts that are keeping you bouncy these days... note them down. On bad days, repeat them to yourself, and they have a good chance of keeping you afloat. On really bad days, they'll ring false, but... I don't think you'll have really bad days for a while.

[Virgil876]

anythingbut, this is very similar to my story, I was dumped a fortnight ago, whereas our relationship was at 3.5 years and I'm 32 and she is 22. I do find it bizarre on how she can cut everything off all of a sudden, but since your story and the stories from others too, it gives a much better perspective and knowing it is definitely not an isolated case.

[Hur]

Hello,

Just reading your story has broke my heart I really understand everything you have wrote and sense your pain. I've never been in a long term relationship, but even when I break up with a guy after 2 or 3 month of getting to know them, I make sure to explain everything to them why it's not working out and try to give them many chances before it's over and even after doing all that I still feel guilty and sad about it. But here is a girl after 6 years of a relationship and she doesn't even explain anything and leaves, I can't imagine how she can sleep every night.

 

All I can say is I sense that this girl was a really cold and non sensitive person. Maybe she seemed caring and passionate when she was in the relationship, but the truth is that she only did that because it was a time when she wanted affection from you and things were working out, but I hate to say that you didn't know the real her after six years. She seems like a selfish and unloving person, she only gives when she knows she will take in return, but when she knew that she doesn't need you anymore, she would not give you back even a few words in a message to comfort you. The only other reason why she would do that is maybe she was fighting the urge to contact you to make you forget her, but she would have to be a really strong and cold person for that. I know you are in pain, but you should not be the one who feels the pain, it should be her because of her guilt over what she has done to you. I wish you recover soon. All the best.