completely cut off after 6 years

[Pure Life]

@pure life - similar experience you say? Would be really interested to hear your experience? So your partner left you for someone else, and then six months later started contacting you again? Would like to know more?

 

I just looked back at some old messages to check my accuracy on dates and we've been broken up for about 6 months and I've been NC for about 4 months. I had pretty much NC from the beginning but he called me and asked a strange question and hung up, so of course I called and questioned him about it. This was my first relationship so I feel just as noobish to this as you.

 

I'd like to think it's normal to still feel a little pain because I do this far down the road. Mostly caused by the feeling of "why did someone I love treat me so badly when I did nothing but care for them?".

 

What else would you like to know?

[anythingbut]

@virgil @hur @minimad thankyou for your contributions - all of which I have taken on board.

 

 

@pure life, you mentioned that he'd started contacting you again after 6 months. Is he still with this girl then? What kind of stuff has been saying in contacting you?

 

You're right, it is absolutely normal to still feel pain down the line, even if it has been months. I'm starting to realise that there is no quick fix to my situation, and instead is a matter of working on acceptance. I know this break up will stay with me for the rest of my life, so my aim now is to be able to try to turn it into a positive in the long-run, which is of course easier said than done!

 

I love this girl deeply, in spite of what she has done - my love is unconditional. However, I do harbour feelings of hurt from the way I have been cut off; it has destroyed the confidence I have in my self, my self-worth, and my levels of trust in others. I need to work on these areas of my life, building them back up and learning from the experience to make me a stronger and more emotionally robust man.

 

It's a long, rocky road - and it's hard.

 

@unexpectedlyhere - last week when I came to join this forum, I was practically on my knees with despair. The feelings of isolation, lack of value and feelings of being trapped by my new life-situation (ie no drive or enthusiasm for work, being bound to staying where I am due to having the responsibility of having the dog) whilst knowing that she has the world at her feet with a qualification she can practice anywhere in the world - was practically crippling.

 

Getting it all out, though, and listening to everyone's feedback as well as reading other people's stories, has really helped me.I don't feel quite so alone now if that makes sense? And yes, it has helped.

 

I met with a good friend of mine this week as well who is deep into his spirituality (I know, I know this probably sounds super pretentious lol!) and we just spent a couple of hours talking about his philosophies on what I am going through, and it helped just being able to talk candidly about the situation and get some of my insecurities of my chest.

 

Anyway, all of this has lightened the load on my mind a fair bit, and generally I just feel a little more upbeat than I did last week.

 

I still think about her every morning as soon as I wake up, but I am dreaming about her less often. I still imagine her smiling at me when I'm driving home, and I still imagine us taking the dog out together and talking about what we were going to call our children. Those thoughts still sting, but like I said it just somehow feels a little better than it did last week - not quite as painful.

 

Baby steps eh guys?

[Virgil876]

I still think about her every morning as soon as I wake up, but I am dreaming about her less often. I still imagine her smiling at me when I'm driving home, and I still imagine us taking the dog out together and talking about what we were going to call our children. Those thoughts still sting, but like I said it just somehow feels a little better than it did last week - not quite as painful.

 

Baby steps eh guys?

Yes, baby steps, last Sunday I was around the CBD area in my city, especially the spot where I first kissed my ex (it was a quiet little place which oversees the towers, I hope I'm not revealing too much, I don't want to be figured out ), I had a sense of lingering at that place, I didn't feel like leaving that place but when I decided that I need to leave (around 8pm at night), I waved and said "Goodbye", that was my way of letting parts of the relationship go.

[Saber_Tooth]

anythingbut and all others - thanks for the replies. Keep posting! AB, it's so good to hear that you're doing better. That gives me hope. My last two days have been a little better too. I fear the days when I'll go back down again, but I'll just have to learn to surf this.

 

I would say that the hardest part for me, which reminds me of some of the posts above, is truly saying goodbye (in my own heart - have been NC for four weeks). Honestly, completely saying goodbye, and not looking back. That's not something I seem able to do yet. It all still seems like a terribly tragedy, one that I wish I could clean up, change, go back and fix. I know, I know - impossible. But truly believing that is proving hard.

[anythingbut]

Just thought I'd swing by with an update.

 

I've been dreading this current weekend for a while now as I have had zero plans. It's the first time in the entire 5 months following the break up that I haven't had anything at all to do - for various reasons all of my best friends are out of the country; so it's just been me, myself and I.

 

So why have I been so worried about this weekend? well, quite frankly I've been terrified of being alone with my thoughts, and so the last 5 months has been a constant battle to keep myself distracted in order to keep me from confronting the realities of my new single existence.

 

After work, I've filled my time with hardcore exercising, volunteering and general socialising with friends. I've also (as I have previously alluded to) been out on dates with girls - 15 to be precise - but this has been a big mistake. See, I thought it would be a good idea to help me rebuild the confidence that I've lost, and also for the most-part of the last 5 months I have been convinced that the answer to my problems lay with meeting my next girlfriend asap.

 

I was wrong of course. Inevitably, as I am nowhere near being over my ex girlfriend, on each date I have been on I have just sat there thinking 'nah, your eyes aren't as pretty as my ex', 'nope, sorry - you're nowhere near as ambitious', and 'no chance, you're nowhere near as caring as she was' ...and other similar covert reflections.

 

I've given up the ghost with dating, therefore, as I have realised that a I am not ready and b) the answer to my problems, the way out of the depression I have been suffering with, lies with me finding acceptance of my situation.

 

...So this weekend has been looming for a while, and rather than scramble around looking for stuff to keep me occupied I decided in was time to just be by myself. Think long, and hard, about the situation and my feelings, and in doing so come toe to toe with all of my fears. Stare at them right in the eyes and accept that it is here and that what has happened... has happened.

 

And so here I am. On a Saturday evening, drizzle and street light on my bedroom window, my dog sleeping on the floor next to me, and a half-eaten tub of strawberry cheesecake haagen dazs on the table. For the past 5 months, my weekend have consisted of me going out into town and getting as hammered as I possibly could so as to avoid confronting reality.

 

I've done a lot of thinking today guys; a lot of reflecting and there have been some painful thoughts that have stung.

 

But you know what? It's not been too bad. In fact, it's been okay.

 

Still got sunday to go, but...

 

Considering that just 2 weeks ago I would have seen hell freeze over rather than be myself, it's an improvement

 

So for everyone reading this now, and the ones who will read it in the future... it takes time, and small steps, but eventually we all start to get there.

 

x

[unexpectedlyhere]

I think I'm... glad for you? That's the correct response, right?

 

Let the drinking go for a bit if you can. It runs the risk of being self-destructive and in the long run it doesn't really make you happier, I don't think. Videogames are better!

[hinatticus]

Anythingbut.....

 

I have felt your pain before, but I want to say you will feel better. I had a child with my gf and he was only a year and a half when she left me. I spent 14 months separated from her when she finally came back. So much happened in those 14 months it hurts me thinking about those times.

 

I just wanna say, not to give you false hope, but just to let you know reconciliations happen. I started posting here over a year ago and I'm one of the few who gets that ex back. We've been together for almost 5 months now and my son is happier than ever. We are also very happy.

 

Feel free to go through my old threads, you'll understand you're definitely not alone in how you feel.

 

Hang in there man, it will get better.

[anythingbut]

@UH... re: the drinking. I know, I know- you're absolutely right. But I just can't find a way to avoid it at the moment. See, I'm trying to be as social as possible right now, go out, have fun, and take my mind off everything. But, as you know over here in the UK socialising centers around drinking, and lots of it. So it feels like I can't avoid it unless I don't go out. And yes, inevitably the morning after the night before, I will always feel absolutely horrendous... so it's a catch 22 where the gin and tonic always seems to prevail. Lol videogames games aren't my cup of tea unfortunately!

 

@hinatticus - thanks for your words bro, really appreciate them. Going to head over to read your story once I've finished writing this. What I'll say in advance though, is I'm glad things worked themselves out for you my man

 

So just an update on what's happening on this delightful weekend of facing my demons.

 

After I wrote the above I fell asleep not long after, and spent the entire night dreaming about my ex.

 

Obviously it was my subconscious coming into play, but my god was it the last thing I needed, felt almost like a weird form of cruelty that I was carrying out on myself.

 

...I'm sure a lot of you will relate to the dreaming thing, but yes last night I dreamed, very vividly, that we were together and making plans etc In the dream, there was a little bit of distance coming from her, which was making me work harder to giver her more attention and be more affectionate to her. One part of the dream has stayed with me; she was sat on a chair in the kitchen and she looked over and smiled at me. I smiled back, and felt happy.

 

I then woke up, and obviously came crashing back down to reality. Feeling was horrendous, truly it was. I lay there thinking about her then, dwelling on how much I miss that girl being in my life, and inevitably shed a few tears.

 

I then decided to jump on here and write about it - as this usually helps, and as I write this, I can confirm it has helped

 

Okay, so two steps forward, one step back - I'll settle for that.

 

Here's to the rest of the day!

 

x

[anythingbut]

DUMPERS-where are you, I would love to hear your unique insight on my situation??!!

 

SURELY my ex is not immune to any of the same sh*t I am having to go through?

 

She spent 6 years of her life with me, and loved me deeply too, right up until the end. Surely, as a human being, she is feeling this. Surely she has dreams too - maybe not where we get back together, but where she remembers the good times.

 

Surely.

[Virgil876]

Trust all of us, it will get better, actually I'm only 3 weeks into the after-dumped era and I'm... not upset. Strange. But I am talking to this other girl which I was good friends with for a little while, although she is the only person that I'm talking to...

 

I would have liked to answer your question regarding the dumpers, my ex seems fairly happy too, haven't talked to her for the 3 weeks but she SEEMS happy on her facebook page, but that can only tell so much, whereas my facebook hasn't been updated for 3 weeks...

[cavalier99]

DUMPERS-where are you, I would love to hear your unique insight on my situation??!!

 

SURELY my ex is not immune to any of the same sh*t I am having to go through?

 

She spent 6 years of her life with me, and loved me deeply too, right up until the end. Surely, as a human being, she is feeling this. Surely she has dreams too - maybe not where we get back together, but where she remembers the good times.

 

Surely.

 

Im not a dumper. I am recovered and in a new RS. i do however maintain regular contact with my ex. We are friendly no hard feelings at all. I questioned her a couple months back about her feelings after the BU just for you guys. her answers were:

 

After 8 years with me.

 

-She didnt miss me

-NC didnt make her question what i was doing.

-She didnt expect to hear from me again ever since i had told her i was going NC

-She had no dea i had suffered and just thought i was happily living my life

-Her new RS is great and she loves the new guy and was too busy with him to think about me

-She was extremely relieved that we broke up. Huge weight off her shoulders!

-She didnt feel guily.

 

There are a number of positive things i took away from this. There is no reason to wonder how they feel because it doesnt matter. Assume the worst Post BU. Just worry about yourself.

 

Also at a certain point it is possible to listen to this and not care at all with them sitting next to you looking at pics of her with her new guy..no problem and no emotional reaction.Wooo hoooo! Just stay NC guys.

 

The suffering ends. I promise. Rock on! Cav

 

ps this was me last november. Might give you guys some perspective!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/357332-friggin-fed-up-sick-tired-recovery

Edited August 11, 2013 by cavalier99

[Angry bird]

I still think she's returning with an apology...

 

Call me crazy, but that's the feeling I get.

 

This relationship is not over.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I still think she's returning with an apology...

 

Call me crazy, but that's the feeling I get.

 

This relationship is not over.

 

I don't know if these posts are particularly useful unless you can articulate a bit better where you get the "feeling" from, because there's a risk of giving people false hope...

 

How is it going AB? And if not videogames, what's your thing and isn't drinking? I know what you mean about your social circle being one way and so you do it just to join them, it was kind of like that for me in high school (or rather, I had fewer friendships than I'd have liked because...). Now I'm very happy to have lots of friends that don't have habits that I find completely pointless but am forced into just to hang out with them. Although I did go through a brewery last Saturday (and struggled through a half pint) and the pub on Sunday (but had grapefuit cider, basically juice).

[yyyme]

DUMPERS-where are you, I would love to hear your unique insight on my situation??!!

 

SURELY my ex is not immune to any of the same sh*t I am having to go through?

 

Ugh. I understand you're in pain, but what question do you really want to ask? It can't be this.

 

Obviously, I'm not your ex. I also think that you're asking the wrong question, but I'll still indulge you because this whole thread seems to be missing the "dumper" point of view. There is a really cool famous, some would say very influential book called Uncoupling. I would recommend you read it, but I don't think you'll find the answer there either, because you're asking the wrong question.

 

It's not about her, it's about you. Knowing that she's in a ditch somewhere shooting up heroin because she misses you so much would not make the situation better. Knowing she cries herself to sleep every night because of you would not make you feel better. It's not about her. It's about you. You're asking the wrong question. It's not a judgment against you so please don't take it that way.

 

Now to give you what you want. I "dumped" an awesome man whom I was married to and whom I dated throughout my 20s. I dumped him when I was 28. He was with me through all the major and minor achievements one accomplishes in their 20s. We were together for about 7 years. Over the course of those 7 years he and I were very happy, best friends and support each other in our many accomplishments. We had a lot of fun together, created a safe stable home for each other. We got two dogs and a cat together. BBQd with friends together. Grieved the sudden passing of our cat together. He and his family took me on amazing trips to exotic places I had never been to before. We bought a house together. Yada Yada. There is a lot I could add to this story, but I could also just say:

 

I was just like your ex in that when I graduated college and got settled in my dream career and started to get respected for my accomplishments and more doors opened for me and I started to attend important meetings and travel internationally...I dumped him. COLD. For three months.

 

Then he moved away to go to graduate school, but we kept in touch for the next four years through like basically our own private version of emotional hell.

 

He was my best friend and of course secretly hoped that we would get back together and I loved him VERY MUCH so it was very difficult for me to just cut all contact and I didn't want to cut all contact! (even though that would have been best for the both of us)

 

He was also my best friend and my family and I thought that faith or God, or it was just written in the stars that we were meant to be family even if we were no longer romantic partners--and that all the older wiser people who told me that relationships end and to just accept it were idiots who didn't "get us".

 

He was my family a deep emotional bond, but I did not want to be married any more. I wanted to concentrate on work to feel good about myself on my own. I wanted to have my own place. I wanted to feel like I can keep a roof over my head by myself. It was important to me at the time. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but that's what I was thinking. So, no I didn't cry over him the way you're crying over your ex and the way I'm currently crying over my current ex (whom I also dumped-- but for the reason that he didn't want to settle down with me )

 

During those four years of emotional hell of keeping in touch with my ex husband and playing that game of best friends/family I did cry over him at times, but in a completely different way. I cried out of guilt. I felt terrible for what I was doing to him. I felt terrible for not being able to give him what he wants.

 

Long story short. He is now happily married and we have not had any contact for the past year because his new wife is not comfortable with us being in touch. I totally understand and respect that.

 

I live on my own in a house I own on my own, just like I wanted. I have the two dogs Also, stop complaining about your dog please . I used to do it too. I can't tell you how many times I'd call my mom crying about how I'm stuck with two dogs and have all this stress while my ex gets to move away and be FREE. It's not about the dog just like it's not about the ex. You're looking in the wrong place, but it's okay. It's all part of the process.

 

The dog is actually helping you and keeping you sane.

[chau_d87]

I'm going through a similar situation. I was with my ex for five years. We were also engaged before we broke up. We started seeing other people but would occasional text each other. We broke up with our partners around the same time and started talking again. We continued to talk on a daily basis after I moved away. After four months of communication he completely cut me off, telling me to move on and not giving any reasons. I was heartbroken because we talked about getting back together. He hasn't responded in two months. I tried texting and emailing, but no response. It hurt so bad, knowing that someone that could be so cruel.

 

I know now the reason he stopped contact because he got back with the girl he previously broke up with. I think she gave him an ultimatum basically telling him to cut me out, which I do understand to a degree. I'm finally starting to move on. Every now and then I still think about him . I wish he had at least given me closure. I still have dreams about him, mostly about me confronting him and wake up crying because he hurt me so much.

[Sugarkane]

Why do always blame everyone but themselves, for their complete lack of comminication? I was told i cant communicate yet dumped by text after a year. Dumpers think theyre shyte doesnt stink. But theyre hardly perfect! Can this please be made as a constant post ontop of this forum?

The fact is: dumpers never want things to get better in their current relationship. They just want out. They'll hold things in until it becomes resentment, reach their limit and then it all comes out. At this point it's too late for you(dumpee) to fix anything because they've spend weeks/months convincing themselves that you're bad for them. We're supposed to be mind readers. I love when dumpers claim they try to "fix" the relationship, and you later find that all they did was hold everything in. They tell the people who support them how bad things are, how much they're trying and how bad the dumpee is. Those people validate their feelings which gives them the confidence boost needed to crush your heart.

 

It takes two to stay and one to end. We(dumpees) can't reconcile/fix a relationship unless our mates also want the same; as distraught as we are, we understand that it takes two. For the dumpers, it apparently takes one to "fix" a relationship. If they can't "fix" it after trying by themselves then the relationship is obviously doomed in their eyes.

 

It's interesting because during the initial courting, these dumpers will go above and beyond to work on keeping a relationship. I guess people are just living for that initial feeling now.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Sugarkane

[Sugarkane]

Sounds like you really dodged a bullet, if she moved on so easily without a second thought.

Im not a dumper. I am recovered and in a new RS. i do however maintain regular contact with my ex. We are friendly no hard feelings at all. I questioned her a couple months back about her feelings after the BU just for you guys. her answers were:

 

After 8 years with me.

 

-She didnt miss me

-NC didnt make her question what i was doing.

-She didnt expect to hear from me again ever since i had told her i was going NC

-She had no dea i had suffered and just thought i was happily living my life

-Her new RS is great and she loves the new guy and was too busy with him to think about me

-She was extremely relieved that we broke up. Huge weight off her shoulders!

-She didnt feel guily.

 

There are a number of positive things i took away from this. There is no reason to wonder how they feel because it doesnt matter. Assume the worst Post BU. Just worry about yourself.

 

Also at a certain point it is possible to listen to this and not care at all with them sitting next to you looking at pics of her with her new guy..no problem and no emotional reaction.Wooo hoooo! Just stay NC guys.

 

The suffering ends. I promise. Rock on! Cav

 

ps this was me last november. Might give you guys some perspective!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/357332-friggin-fed-up-sick-tired-recovery

[keepontruckin]

Sounds like you really dodged a bullet, if she moved on so easily without a second thought.

He pretty much summed up the traits that my stbxw is showing...

 

This is my first marriage, so I don't know if all dumpers are as cold as this, but my wife is. Turned into something that I didn't know could exist in her.

 

Just completely turned off the lights. No emotion, not a care in the world.

 

However, after the fact, I started to connect the dots, and it seems like she had run out on her previous relationships also. Runners do one thing well, and that's run. And more likely than not, they'll keep on running for their entire lives looking for something that doesn't exist...

[zendon73]

Im not a dumper. I am recovered and in a new RS. i do however maintain regular contact with my ex. We are friendly no hard feelings at all. I questioned her a couple months back about her feelings after the BU just for you guys. her answers were:

 

After 8 years with me.

 

-She didnt miss me

-NC didnt make her question what i was doing.

-She didnt expect to hear from me again ever since i had told her i was going NC

-She had no dea i had suffered and just thought i was happily living my life

-Her new RS is great and she loves the new guy and was too busy with him to think about me

-She was extremely relieved that we broke up. Huge weight off her shoulders!

-She didnt feel guily.

 

There are a number of positive things i took away from this. There is no reason to wonder how they feel because it doesnt matter. Assume the worst Post BU. Just worry about yourself.

 

Also at a certain point it is possible to listen to this and not care at all with them sitting next to you looking at pics of her with her new guy..no problem and no emotional reaction.Wooo hoooo! Just stay NC guys.

 

The suffering ends. I promise. Rock on! Cav

 

ps this was me last november. Might give you guys some perspective!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/357332-friggin-fed-up-sick-tired-recovery

 

@CAVALIER this post really helped me a lot and wanted to thank you...

 

 

@ ANYTHINGBUT I am really sorry to hear about your situation.. going through a similar thing and unfortunately when you are stuck and no advice helps because when you are in it you never think clearly.. If you ever want to chat feel free to private message me.. I can't take advice for s#%t.. but i can sure give it Hope you are having a great day.

[all_cats_rgray]

I think the whole question of will she come back, is contingent on your self-esteem.

 

It was linked and still is linked to my self worth.

 

Alot of what people think deep inside and don't say is.

 

If they come back, I was worth/ awesome/ special enough for them to grace them with there presence.

 

If they come back, it shows that I was good enough for a second try.

 

If they come back, it shows it wasn't my fault, I am not the broken/ faulty individual they painted me out to be.

 

NO ONE CAN TELL YOU YOUR WORTH. ONLY YOU CAN!

 

If you are counting on this individual to make you feel good about yourself. You will NEVER get it. Because the only person you can count on to feel WORTHY is YOURSELF.

 

Its HARD, don't get me wrong.

 

Just know that one day. The thought of them coming back will not matter because you will not want them back.

 

Today the of my ex coming back makes me sick. And the first word that comes to mind is NO.

 

No you disrespect me, and don't treat me the way I deserve. They slap you in the face as they walk away. They do not deserve a second chance. Chances are they know this too.

 

And the people that do come crawling back after six months. It has nothing to do with the fact that their perception of you has changed. It has nothing to do WITH YOU. It is all about them. ITS about how their rebound flopped. How they can't find a date. How they are lonely. This is all a selfish action.

 

I'm ranting.

 

Just go to

 

List of Posts | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Baggage Reclaim.

Edited August 14, 2013 by all_cats_rgray

[anythingbut]

Just catching up with the above responses guys... and as per usual, thanks for sharing your thoughts - it's much appreciated!

 

Firstly lol @all_cats - I could almost feel the rage pulsating out of my laptop screen as I read your post! I do agree, though, with the majority of your sentiments.

 

@cavalier @yyy - thankyou for the sincerity and honesty of your advice. It has been taken on board One thing I would like to assure everyone, though, is that at almost 6 months into this, I am acutely aware that the answer to my problems lies at my own fingertips. Trust me, I'm working hard on myself- and achieving that ever-illusive feeling of acceptance. As previously reported, I made some good progress last week, but did take a step back on sunday after I had that vivid dream about her. Incidentally, that dream, or rather its impact(s), stayed with me right up until yesterday afternoon when I was forced to stop dwelling on the past by a game of football I had to play in - sport and exercise is great of course because you don't think or concentrate on anything but the present moment whilst you are doing it.

 

@yyy - incidentally, I know I've come across as a bit moany about the dog. I do love him, I love him more than anything - he's like my son. But my goooooood, has it been hard work for me on my own! He's such a big dog that no-one is up for dog-sitting for me, no one can take him out for a walk as he won't listen to anyone but me, so it's full on. On top of that, I've got no one to help out during the day, so I have to take him to work with me, as I won't leave him on his own all day. So yeah, on top of the stress of running the business, I then have to spend my lunchbreak running around in the car taking him out for a walk - I get like 5 minutes to eat my lunch and rest - that's in addition to taking him out before work in the morning and after work in the evening. Now, before anyone pipes up with a 'that's what you sign up for when you buy a dog' comment, save it! Because I already know, and I am honouring my responsibilities all the way!! I just feel a little hurt sometimes that my ex was so able to turn her back on him when I thought she loved him too, and I also get a little bitter that she is free to do what she wants and go wherever, whenever, whilst I am so restricted in my options. T

 

@angry bird - I am still none the wiser as to how you are arriving at this conclusion, but I will repeat that I believe hell will freeze over before my ex decides to do a U-turn on everything that has happened. Also, I could never take her back as I would never trust her. I don't want her back. I just want closure; to stop missing her and to know that she cares about me as I do about her, that what we had matters to her and it's not as worthless to her as her actions suggest it is. I don't feel like I will get any of the aforementioned from her though if I'm honest ...so I've got to work on finding my own closure.

 

@UH - my sister from another mister lol - I am off to visit your diary after this, but yeah it's not going too bad. As reported I felt like I took a huge step backwards on the weekend - which. unfortunately, was my own doing thanks to the dreams my mind rather cruelly produced. It's taken a few days to truck through it, but almost 4 days down the line I'm feeling a lot better, and increasingly more accepting of my situation. Each bad episode of missing her, feeling lonely seems to make me a little stronger when I come out at the other side.

 

Being alone on the weekend, as hoped, really helped me. I absorbed myself in a lot of reflection that I had been hiding from for the entire break up period, and, crucially, I learned that I am capable of spending a weekend on my own without going to town and getting smashed. So, unlike every other week for the last 5/6 months, not at one point this week have I sat here panicking about making sure I am busy this forthcoming weekend.

 

This week, I have also completely accepted that I don't need to find another woman asap to make me happy or to fill the hole left by my ex; so there's been no texting females or arranging dates for the first time. Having said that, I did ask a girl who work in the office next to mine for her phone number on monday... she said she'd think about it lol!!

 

What's my thing, other than going out drinking? It's fitness all the way - I train 11 times a week between the gym/crossfit/football - so that takes up the majority of my spare time, I will then usually for a night out, maybe two, with my friends in amongst all that every weekend.

 

...Okay so last week, to summarise, two steps forward, one step back on sunday.

 

This week, so far, one step forward...

 

Back to progress guys, even if it is a small amount

 

x

[unexpectedlyhere]

You sound like you're doing really well!

 

I think sometimes immediately post breakup it's easy to panic ourselves into doing lots of things to keep ourselves busy and while that's good, it can also lead you to almost be governed by the things you "think you should be doing" rather than what you actually want to do.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

YES!!!!! You hit the nail on the head with this repsonse, Misfortune. It describes by ex (the dumper) to the t. Ex was a quitter in many areas of his life. He would always up and leave if the situation became unmcormfortable or difficult to handle. He always held in his emotions, saying the opposite of how he would be feeling at the moment and expected me to be a mind reader. After I would try to right the wrong, he would say, "you shouldn't have done/said it in the first place." Instead of appreciating the fact that I would apologize and learn from the mistake he would hold it against me by saying that I should never made the mistake in the first place.

 

In our last conversation, I was dumbfounded by all the issues he had brought up. He was laying down brick after brick of resentment until a wall had been built between us.

 

He was impossible to work with. I'm trying to remember that now as I go through this healing process...he made the relationship impossible to work.

 

The fact is: dumpers never want things to get better in their current relationship. They just want out. They'll hold things in until it becomes resentment, reach their limit and then it all comes out. At this point it's too late for you(dumpee) to fix anything because they've spend weeks/months convincing themselves that you're bad for them. We're supposed to be mind readers. I love when dumpers claim they try to "fix" the relationship, and you later find that all they did was hold everything in. They tell the people who support them how bad things are, how much they're trying and how bad the dumpee is. Those people validate their feelings which gives them the confidence boost needed to crush your heart.

 

It takes two to stay and one to end. We(dumpees) can't reconcile/fix a relationship unless our mates also want the same; as distraught as we are, we understand that it takes two. For the dumpers, it apparently takes one to "fix" a relationship. If they can't "fix" it after trying by themselves then the relationship is obviously doomed in their eyes.

 

It's interesting because during the initial courting, these dumpers will go above and beyond to work on keeping a relationship. I guess people are just living for that initial feeling now.

[Pure Life]

@pure life, you mentioned that he'd started contacting you again after 6 months. Is he still with this girl then? What kind of stuff has been saying in contacting you?

 

You're right, it is absolutely normal to still feel pain down the line, even if it has been months. I'm starting to realise that there is no quick fix to my situation, and instead is a matter of working on acceptance. I know this break up will stay with me for the rest of my life, so my aim now is to be able to try to turn it into a positive in the long-run, which is of course easier said than done!

 

I love this girl deeply, in spite of what she has done - my love is unconditional. However, I do harbour feelings of hurt from the way I have been cut off; it has destroyed the confidence I have in my self, my self-worth, and my levels of trust in others. I need to work on these areas of my life, building them back up and learning from the experience to make me a stronger and more emotionally robust man.

 

It's a long, rocky road - and it's hard.

 

 

Sorry I went a bit MIA for a bit. Initially he contacted me by phone and hung up. I found out later he wanted to have lunch with me. Then later he saw some things I posted and he got upset about it even though it was nothing bad and he's said worse about me so it was basically a "stop it" message. Then it turned into a "I want to be friends, lets just put this past us" message because he thinks it's going to be awkward if we run into eachother.

 

I'm not sure what the situation is with the other girl. I assume they're still together since that's what his profile picture is but who knows. He can have her because, like him, she's unattractive and a homewrecker. I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same. I really truly loved him and still do, but know I couldn't ever be with him. He hurt me too badly. So yes, baby steps together!

[anythingbut]

Thanks for your posts guys; been a couple of weeks since I last updated this, so for anyone following this now or in the future, here's my update:

 

Things have continued to get better this last month since I signed up on here - made a hell of a lot of progress with my situation, and I attribute a lot of this to the fact that LS has given me an outlet to air my feelings openly and honestly as and when I have been encountering them. Also, being able to read the stories of others has been unbelievably helpful - I think knowing that there are others out there going through similar is really helpful in allowing me to maintain a perspective on my situation.

 

I think before I signed up for LS I tended to feel like I was completely alone, assuming that everyone else I saw at the supermarket, on the streets, at work, at the football etc etc etc were all happy. of course, this was never going to be true, but it's just how your mind seems to work when you are going through a breakup - you seem to lose all perspective on reality.

 

The past month I have also spent more time alone that I had in previous months. In fact, the first 5 months of the breakup I did everything I possibly could to keep myself busy - anything to avoid having to face the reality of my new situation. This past month I have spent two ENTIRE weekends essentially by myself, doing my own thing. Was this hard? You're damned right it was hard!! But you know what, I did it and I learned straight away that it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be - there was nothing to be scared of in spending time alone.

 

It also gave me the opportunity to chill out on the drinking a little (I have hit the booze HARD in the last 6 months) and that has really helped reduce the episodes of depression I was previously experiencing ( yes I know alcohol tends to induce depression, but hey, what can you do when you are trying to get out there and have fun with your mates?!).

 

So yes, ironically, the very thing that I was terrified of facing, has actually turned out to be a catalyst in helping me towards reaching the 'acceptance' stage of the breakup. A good friend of mine actually told me, months ago, that I needed to confront my own thoughts by spending time alone, reflecting. He turned out to be so right, and that's why for anyone reading this in the future (or now) who is having trouble reaching 'acceptance' after several months of no contact, I would say hand on heart that you have to spend some time by yourself - processing what has happened and staring it in the eyes. You quickly realise that you ARE capable of moving on; it's just that your ego, which is controlled by your mind, is telling you that you can't because it knows that if you let go of the hurt and anger, you are simultaneously letting go of your ex at the same time.

 

...Subconsciously, you don't feel ready to let go of your ex, because you still harbour hope that it can all be sorted and they will come back. Once you realise this you can start the process of acceptance, which is the final part of getting over the break up - and can also take a long time to work through, just like all the other stages have.

 

So yes, here I am now at month 6 and I feel a hell of a lot better than I did a month ago - when I thought that things would NEVER get better and only carry on getting WORSE!

 

I've left it a couple of weeks before writing this because I wanted to make sure I wasn't just having a good 'couple of days'; that the positive changes in my outlook I had started to feel were consistent. And they have been

 

Don't get me wrong though guys, there's still a long way to go. I still have downs. Just look at my last couple of posts. My downs, though, tend to come after I have dreamed about her the night before. I do still tend to dream about her a lot; dreams where we are back to normal. These dreams tend to be very vivid, and can really knock me for six when I wake up.

 

But the point is anyway, it's natural to have this happen - it's not going to change overnight. Just want you guys who have been in long term relationships to know that it does start to get better even when, like me a month ago, you are absolutely CONVINCED things are only going to get worse.

 

 

x