My gf kissed another guy :((

[Fraser]

So last night I went to pick my gf up to take her out and she just broke down when I walked through the door and told me she'd kissed another guy earlier that day!

 

This came out of NOWHERE we were honestly really happy, no problems whatsoever in the relationship (we went to paris for the weekend the Other month and she told me it was the best time of her life) Plus she's a really shy girl around new people, she's just NOT the type to go round kissing other blokes.

I broke up with her on the spot, told her straight I love her but I wont be second best, I deserve better, I'm a nice guy, it was over!

 

She messages me tonight on Facebook saying:

"I love you, im in love with you. I don’t think ill ever stop loving you. Everyday i think about you, i miss you so much, every second i miss you more and more. You’re my other half. You are my everything. You got me sprung, i want you and only you i ******* love you baby with all my heart.

You are so different compared to any other guy in a good way - in a GREAT WAY. The times we have is worth everything to me. The memories we share can never be forgotten. I can’t believe how well you treat me, all the little things you do.

You attract me in so many ways, your amazing your green eyes, your smile - it makes me feel like i can just smile a whole day after i see it, Your laugh is so cute haha it makes like laugh. I loveee just everything about you! You make me go crazy, like I never thought I would for a guy. It still makes me feel sick to my stomach that i could of easily said i didnt want to go on jess' idea for a blind date and you still would of been 'just lex's brother' to me!

Even thou we’ve been going out for awhile i still get butterflies, and an hour before i get to see you i start to get goosebumps. When you look into my eyes, its unexplainable its like everything is in slow motion. When i watch you leave or when we have our last hug and kiss my heart aches makes me wanna go run after you and make you stay. But we both know you can’t . It’s gonna be us forever, i hope.

While i was writing this i was crying. I feel so bad, my guilt is hurting me. I'm so so sorry, I've let you down, it kills me I've hurt you, I'm disgusted at myself. I DO NOT have any feelings for him what so ever. It was a huge mistake! Im not just saying that please it was all me fault you dont have to trust me anymore its understandable but just don’t leave me. I love you. I need you. i’m being 100% honest. Ive hurt you . You have the right to break up with me, but just understand that i love you so much never meant for it to happen like that, i wanted your touch not his but he was upset and i was trying to cheer him up and he made a play and i kissed him - it was just a moment of stupidity, which isn't an excuse but it was. I cried infront of him as soon as it happened.. i really did. I never cry when there are other people around me and you know that!.

Im not proud for what i did and im terrified because you have every right to leave me, just please oh please understand. Im standing here feeling so hurt for what i did just knowing the fact ive done something that could end our relationship - and I'll never forgive myself for that. Im sorry. Just please give me another chance , dont give up on us.. and i promise you this will never happen again, I promise you, I want to grow old with you fraser, please don't leave me!!"

 

And now I don't know what too do, I do love her, so much...but how can we ever be the same!

[worldgonewrong]

She obviously felt an attraction to this guy or she wouldn't have done it.

If she was stronger of mind, more mature, she would've backed off when the other guy "made a play".

I don't know what else to say. I'd be devastated too, my man.

[Philosoraptor]

Honestly, she sounds truly remorseful and fully accepts what she has done. She also sounds like she has learned something and is willing to do what it takes to make things better.

 

It really comes down to you at this point. If you don't see yourself ever forgiving her, you need to stick with it. If you want to find a way to make it work, you need to figure out what it would take for her to gain your trust back.

 

I must ask, how old are the two of you? How long had you been together?

[Chi townD]

Tough one, dude.

 

On a plus side, she told you right away when it happened. Believe it or not, that's a really good thing. To me, that shows that it WAS a lapse in judgment and a bad choice. That it was, in fact, a mistake. If she would have hid it from you and you found out some other way, it would have been worse.

 

She definitely sounds remorseful. I would be telling you to run for the hills if she was trying to sell you the, " I'm sorry. But, it was only a kiss! I didn't sleep with the guy!" That shows no remorse at all.

 

Look, everything is still pretty raw. You literally just found out that she gave some affection to another guy. If I were you, I would just write back, "Look, I don't know what I'm going to do or what's going to happen. What I do know is that I need some time. So, please leave me alone so I can have time to process everything and decide what I want."

 

Then, you need to follow through with what you wrote. Let the anger simmer away and think about what YOU want with a clear head. If you can forgive her, then she needs to understand the boundaries that you set up. What YOU want and what YOU need to heal from this. If she can't agree to those boundaries and requirements; well, then there's the door. She was in the drivers seat when she decided to cheat on you. Now, you're in the driver's seat as far as where this relationship goes.

[Balzac]

Turn a blind eye and deaf ear to her pleadings. If she's mature enough to enjoy a weekend with you in Paris - she is mature enough to face the logical consequences of her behavior.

 

You've got to have pride somewhere under your pain.

[Darren Steez]

Has she learned something?

 

Put it this way. This didn't come out of the blue. It wasn't a random guy who just bumped into her and kissed her. This had to have been building to the point where the guy felt confident enough by the messages she was sending him to go ahead and try to kiss her.. and she returned the kiss

 

Experiences in life have taught me to be a zero tolerance kind of guy, and what happened, even though she 'fessed up is a red flag. She felt the attraction then acted on it..all while being so head over heels in love with you apparently.

 

Why I say has she learned anything. Because forgive her now, all you show her is that, with a few tears and cute words you'll take her back even after she's betrayed you. In the short term she will be relieved but long term she will lose respect for you. Not to mention the fact that trust will never be the same again.

And the next time you fight or the passion starts to wane, you always be wondering if she's got someone lined up somewhere.

 

Harsh but dump her. Show her that cheating on someone has consequences. If she really loves you as much as she claims she does, she'll do anything to get you back..because isn't that what you would do for her?

[Fraser]

Honestly, she sounds truly remorseful and fully accepts what she has done. She also sounds like she has learned something and is willing to do what it takes to make things better.

It really comes down to you at this point. If you don't see yourself ever forgiving her, you need to stick with it. If you want to find a way to make it work, you need to figure out what it would take for her to gain your trust back.

I must ask, how old are the two of you? How long had you been together?

 

Yeah I mean I believe her when she says shes sorry I do and in my heart I don't want this to be the end....I just want it back how it was! I love her, totally, but im mad at her, I dunno how to fix this!

 

I'm 20 and she's 21, we've been together about 14 months. She was my sisters friends friend, I met her a couple of times and I liked her then my sister forced me into a blind date and when I got there it turned out to be her.

[Myab23]

Well, from a girl's point of view...which I don't know if you want..I would forgive her. She sincerely sounds sorry! And she told you right away. It wasn't anything more than a kiss, if it was more then I would say dump her of course, but for a little kiss that she admitted to the same day and obviously feel awful about, I would give her a second chance.

 

It doesn't sound like you want this relationship to end either. So why torture yourself. You guys are both very young and sometimes in young relationships people make mistakes that teach them lessons. It sounds like she's learned her lesson. Maybe she was confused for a second, but it sounds like she quickly came to her senses and instantly regretted her actions. Everybody deserves a second chance, especially people you love.

[Fraser]

On a plus side, she told you right away when it happened. Believe it or not, that's a really good thing. To me, that shows that it WAS a lapse in judgment and a bad choice. That it was, in fact, a mistake. If she would have hid it from you and you found out some other way, it would have been worse.

Oh yeah her telling me was really important to me if she hadn't we'd of been history, no two ways about it, but she did!

 

Look, everything is still pretty raw. You literally just found out that she gave some affection to another guy. If I were you, I would just write back, "Look, I don't know what I'm going to do or what's going to happen. What I do know is that I need some time. So, please leave me alone so I can have time to process everything and decide what I want."

 

Then, you need to follow through with what you wrote. Let the anger simmer away and think about what YOU want with a clear head. If you can forgive her, then she needs to understand the boundaries that you set up. What YOU want and what YOU need to heal from this. If she can't agree to those boundaries and requirements; well, then there's the door. She was in the drivers seat when she decided to cheat on you. Now, you're in the driver's seat as far as where this relationship goes.

 

Yeah yeah I get that, the thing is I feel like its all fallen at my feet to fix this like shes just gone at put the ball in my court by saying 'i'll do whatever' and now its my job to tell her what to do but I don't know, I just don't know what to tell her....I want everything back to how it was 3 days ago, which is impossible!

[Chi townD]

Yeah I mean I believe her when she says shes sorry I do and in my heart I don't want this to be the end....I just want it back how it was! I love her, totally, but im mad at her, I dunno how to fix this!

 

 

It can never go back to the way it was. After someone has been betrayed in a relationship, that relationship is void. It no longer exist as your remember it. The question is, do you want to invest into a new relationship with her. Look at it this way....

 

Your relationship is like building a house. The two of you started to pour the foundation of this relationship on your first blind date. and since then, you've been building this house slowly over time. Brick by brick and board by board. And it was turning into a really nice house. However, one day, she took a wrecking ball to it.

 

Now, the two of you are standing in front of the wreckage. Some couples would just walk away saying that there's too much damage to repair. But, some couples look at the damage and agree that the foundation is still good. So, they start to rebuild. But, if they rebuild, they know it's not going to be the same house that was there before.

 

So, the question is, do you rebuild or do you walk away. Obviously, she did enough damage that you can walk away from and no one would blame you. But, the choice is yours.

 

By the way, your sister hooked the two of you up together. What has she said about this entire mess?

[Southern Cal Dude]

Anyone telling you she's genuinely sorry(which oddly enough is from females ), is an idiot. If she loved you, she wouldn't have cheated. It was not a mistake. It was a conscious decision.

[Fraser]

I'd dump her for multiple reasons. If it really was just a kiss and she regrets it she should have kept that stuff to herself. Now she's burdened you with the knowledge either out of some sick need for drama and maybe because she wants you to be ok with this kind of thing on some sick level. .

No no no her telling me was crucial - if she didn't tell me then we would be history no questions asked, her telling me was important to me - I don't want to be with someone who hides stuff from me - that would be making a mug out of me!

 

Do you really trust her anymore? I mean you said everything was so good yet she pulls this thing. You need to trust that when you get in a fight with your gf she isn't going to run off and let some guy have his way with her. Your gf lets guys kiss her when things are good. .

I dunno is the short answer.

I dunno but every part of me wants to spring to her defence...

 

She also could still be lying about just kissing or it being only one guy this one time. Maybe she slept with this guy or blew him. I'd dump her. If you can still trust her give her another chance, I wouldn't be able to trust her. I mean if it was just some weird stupid kiss she really needed to keep it to herself. Probably told all her friends too I bet. You're being laughed about possibly. Dump her.

No, I know her, I mean I know I didn't see this coming but she couldn't even open the door to me with out me knowing something was wrong and her telling me everything. I believe her, I do, I believe her.

[Fraser]

Put it this way. This didn't come out of the blue. It wasn't a random guy who just bumped into her and kissed her. This had to have been building to the point where the guy felt confident enough by the messages she was sending him to go ahead and try to kiss her.. and she returned the kiss

this bloke was upset cause his grans ill and my gf her gran died last month, shes still pretty down about it and I guess they were having a bit of a heart to heart (all of which is no excuse) The whole damn thing isn't like her thou, like I say shes normally really quite round people she doesn't know that well, I dunno, ugh.

 

 

Why I say has she learned anything. Because forgive her now, all you show her is that, with a few tears and cute words you'll take her back even after she's betrayed you. In the short term she will be relieved but long term she will lose respect for you. Not to mention the fact that trust will never be the same again.

And the next time you fight or the passion starts to wane, you always be wondering if she's got someone lined up somewhere.

 

Harsh but dump her. Show her that cheating on someone has consequences. If she really loves you as much as she claims she does, she'll do anything to get you back..because isn't that what you would do for her?

 

I know, I know, and all that's going round my head, and its all mixed up with....I stand to lose a lot and if I don't try is it me that loses out in the long run. Ive loved being with her and being committed to her, im happier.

theres like this feeling at the back of my head that like deep down I don't believe shes a cheat and if I don't try to get past this then 2 years down the line she'll be with some other guy and maybe Im the one who loses out.

But at the same time I agree with you, I don't want her to feel like she can just pour her heart out and ill take her back like that, Im not a ******* push over!!

[Fraser]

It doesn't sound like you want this relationship to end either. So why torture yourself. You guys are both very young and sometimes in young relationships people make mistakes that teach them lessons.

No I didn't/don't want it to end hence why id of never done anything to jeopardise it! I'd of walked the world for her. I thought we were on the same page!

 

It sounds like she's learned her lesson. Maybe she was confused for a second, but it sounds like she quickly came to her senses and instantly regretted her actions. Everybody deserves a second chance, especially people you love.

Yeah maybe...

I just, I don't know, im gutted.

[Fraser]

You have trouble getting girls don't you?

 

Why do you say that mate?

[bubbaganoosh]

Fraser.

 

How does she know this guy and for how long? Does she work with him? I understand you anger and agree with what you did. The reason I asked if she works with him is that she'll see this guy everyday and if you decide to give her a second chance and this guy is around, it could play on your mind and there's the rub because will you be able to trust her around him?

 

It's one thing to cry the blues about both of their grannies but I can't understand a kiss to end the conversation. A simple "thanks for listening" would have been the normal thing to do or even a peck on the cheek but a kiss is another matter. Have you asked her what she did when he kissed her? Did she say anything to him? Maybe you need to ask these things to her and hear her answers. You know her better than we do, so you'll be the only one to know if she's believable. Best of luck.

[Fraser]

It can never go back to the way it was. After someone has been betrayed in a relationship, that relationship is void. It no longer exist as your remember it. The question is, do you want to invest into a new relationship with her. Look at it this way....

 

Your relationship is like building a house. The two of you started to pour the foundation of this relationship on your first blind date. and since then, you've been building this house slowly over time. Brick by brick and board by board. And it was turning into a really nice house. However, one day, she took a wrecking ball to it.

 

Now, the two of you are standing in front of the wreckage. Some couples would just walk away saying that there's too much damage to repair. But, some couples look at the damage and agree that the foundation is still good. So, they start to rebuild. But, if they rebuild, they know it's not going to be the same house that was there before.

 

So, the question is, do you rebuild or do you walk away. Obviously, she did enough damage that you can walk away from and no one would blame you. But, the choice is yours.

 

Your completely right, completely right!

Im just so torn, to use your analogy every instinct in my body would be like we can salvage this, rebuild it, that's just my character but at the same time im just so angry at her that shes made us have to rebuild when it was great before.

 

By the way, your sister hooked the two of you up together. What has she said about this entire mess?

Yeah she's p!ssed!

She said to me that im completely within my rights to ditch her, and if it was her boyfriend he'd be gone but that she understands we're different people and she'll support me whatever. And not to be rushed into making a decision.

[Fraser]

I have my reasons for saying it. Mainly that you're afraid you'll never find a better girl than a cheater. Tells me you have low self esteem with women. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

Do what cement suggested and go no contact for a month. She'll probably be dating some guy by next week. Hopefully you'll be able to think clearer about this in a month.

 

That girl you're worried about missing out on isn't her, it's the girl you'll miss if you stay with her.

 

I probably did used to...maybe not low self esteem so much as I was quite nervous, more so cause my bro was the opposite.

But actually being with Megan's changes that, I don't feel like that at all anymore.. not at all.

Its not a case that I don't think I could find a better girl, I just...I love her, urgh I don't mate, I don't know!

[Fraser]

well.. fortunately the ball is in your court..

I know....sucks!

 

 

 

if she means half of the things that she said, then she will wait for you to come around, forever

 

if she doesn't wait forever for you to come around, then you know that she was just sweet talking you

 

it's really a win-win situation here, id suggest taking a month of no contact and see where that leads you. I'm gunna go ahead and assume that she will already be moved on and kissing other guys.

Yeah that does make a lot of sense mate, a lot of sense!!

 

Its hard for me cause im one of these people that hates things hanging over them - I cant even leave the washing up I have to do it straight away. I'm not replying to her tonight for certain but even that im finding hard, I want to pace up and down - I just like things sorted out straight away.

[Fraser]

Fraser.

How does she know this guy and for how long? Does she work with him? I understand you anger and agree with what you did. The reason I asked if she works with him is that she'll see this guy everyday and if you decide to give her a second chance and this guy is around, it could play on your mind and there's the rub because will you be able to trust her around him?.

No she doesn't work with him, she went to school with him, he lives abroad now, just back in town cause of his gran.

This might sound nuts but I actually don't give a toss about him - I don't care if she sees him every day or once every 10 years. Its her I need to trust and if I cant be at a point where I trust her in whatever company then I don't trust her enough to be in a relationship with her.

Im not going to be one of these guys who's super jealous, I know that, ive got to either find a way to trust her or walk.

 

It's one thing to cry the blues about both of their grannies but I can't understand a kiss to end the conversation. A simple "thanks for listening" would have been the normal thing to do or even a peck on the cheek but a kiss is another matter.

You wont catch me disagreeing with that!

 

Have you asked her what she did when he kissed her? Did she say anything to him? Maybe you need to ask these things to her and hear her answers. You know her better than we do, so you'll be the only one to know if she's believable. Best of luck.

I haven't really asked her, I don't really want to know - it hurts

From what shes volunteered they kissed for like 5 seconds, she snapped out of it, pushed him off, burst into tears and then apparently according to her he was like 'im sorry meg don't cry its okay, you don't have to tell him' and she just walked out.

[Shepp]

A lot of people wind up here because they have been cheated on and take extreme hardline stances regardless of circumstance

 

I think people are being way to harsh!! Shes a young girl who made a mistake - I may never have cheated but I've made plenty of mistakes in my time too.

 

She loves you a lot - you don't tell your partner literally hours after a kiss unless the guilt is killing you and the only reason it would be that is cause she loves you.

 

And you love her Fraser, that's plain to see - your defending her honour even now on here!

 

You reallY want to throw all that away on a kiss that meant nothing?

 

Yeah she could do it again - but your a big boy, think you can deal with that and that way at least you can say oh tried. Maybe you can live with the what if...I couldn't!

 

You've got to do what's right for you but if it were me I'd take her back (make her sweat a bit, but ultimatly take her back) I can deal with looking like a fool, I'm not scared of that - I am scared of sitting in my rocking chair and thinking what if!

 

Life is so so fragile and too short, if you're both miserable apart, then sort it!

[Fraser]

Update:

She just turned up outside my house about an hour ago and basically was all

"let's sort this out Fraser, let's talk or be mad at me, its all my fault, shout at me, curse at me something, do whatever you need to do but dont just stew frayz let's work through this, please"

I told her I needed to tonight to clear my head and i'd talk to her soon.

 

Basically she's taken time off work she wants us to take off in her parents camper van somewhere just me and her to "work through this".

[Simon Phoenix]

Update:

She just turned up outside my house about an hour ago and basically was all

"let's sort this out Fraser, let's talk or be mad at me, its all my fault, shout at me, curse at me something, do whatever you need to do but dont just stew frayz let's work through this, please"

I told her I needed to tonight to clear my head and i'd talk to her soon.

 

Basically she's taken time off work she wants us to take off in her parents camper van somewhere just me and her to "work through this".

 

You need to work it out without her. You need a clear head to really think this through and there is no way you can do that with her right there. You need to tell her to back off, that you need to have a think and you'll get in touch with her when you are ready.

 

As for what you should do, I personally would ditch her. I just have no tolerance for such behavior. Loyalty means a lot to me and I don't think things like that just happen -- this is something that she's been thinking about for a while. That being said, you seem pretty adamant in trying to be with her again. I mean, she f--ked you over and you are here venting about how you'd lose out if she left. I don't see you being able to disconnect from her until she does it again.

[samsungxoxo]

Honestly, I think people are reacting to a quick kiss as if it was a full blown affair or ''Omg how could he/she betrayed me, I'm in so much pain that I'm going to throw up''. Though I'm not into taking back a cheater, this is about practically the only reason I would let something like this slide but only if it was nothing more than a ''I kissed him/her very fast but then pulled away, I'm sorry'' or it only happened that one time.

[Darren Steez]

this bloke was upset cause his grans ill and my gf her gran died last month, shes still pretty down about it and I guess they were having a bit of a heart to heart (all of which is no excuse) The whole damn thing isn't like her thou, like I say shes normally really quite round people she doesn't know that well, I dunno, ugh.

 

 

 

 

I know, I know, and all that's going round my head, and its all mixed up with....I stand to lose a lot and if I don't try is it me that loses out in the long run. Ive loved being with her and being committed to her, im happier.

theres like this feeling at the back of my head that like deep down I don't believe shes a cheat and if I don't try to get past this then 2 years down the line she'll be with some other guy and maybe Im the one who loses out.

But at the same time I agree with you, I don't want her to feel like she can just pour her heart out and ill take her back like that, Im not a ******* push over!!

 

Aye, but you are a ***** pushover. It's love, lust whatever, that falls into a realm where logic sometimes ceases to exist.

 

It doesn't matter what you believe about her, as you are proving right now, what you are saying makes no logical sense compared to what happened.

 

Also you are making excuses for her and justifying her actions.

 

What does grans dying have to do with cheating? So they bonded over that..fine, then this guy thought oh well she looks great let me go in for a kiss? And she responded.

 

It's sort of loserish mentality to take back a cheat because you don't want her to be with someone else. So you'd take her back because you don't want to be the one that loses out?! What is your deal breaker? If she sleeps (hypothetically) with another guy and apologies, would you take her back because you dont want to be the one that loses out?

 

Listen mate, it's actual quite natural thinking what you're doing. You're protecting yourself, you want things to go back to they way they were, so you justify stuff. It's all plausible right? Grans ill, gran died, I was feeling low, we just happened to be together, I was weak at that moment, he kissed me and I responded

 

She responded. At the end of the day it's up to you how you choose to be treated. No one hear can tell you otherwise.

 

You ask yourself this. When the passion has died down or everybody is comfortable again and she meets a guy who is interested in her. What is to stop her doing it again because she's already done it before and got away with it?