My gf kissed another guy :((

[Simon Phoenix]

hmm, see this is another thing im confused on - like im pretty certain she'd agree to anything right now but on the other hand like I say I want us to move forward being normal I don't want to be the jealous bf, like if I cant trust her what have we got? I don't want to be laying down the law on what she does....I just, I dunno what to do on that front!

 

And this is why continuing on with the same person is so tough. It's extremely difficult to put humpty-dumpty back together again and forget what she did. You want to go back to the way it was before, but that's virtually impossible. It's going to be different from here on out. The question you have to ask yourself is if you are capable of having a different relationship with her.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Fraser,

 

Don't let a bunch of naysayers talk you into doing something you don't want to do. She is young, she did something stupid, she has not given you excuses, she has confessed and is contrite. That says a lot to me as to who she is as a person.

 

Personally, I would take her up on the offer of the camper to get away. Take this opportunity to talk about your relationship, talk about boundaries and look to make the relationship stronger. No one is perfect and you may need forgiveness one day as well, do be afraid to show compassion. You are not looking to sweep this under the rug, use this opportunity to make the relationship stronger. Oh and don't forget the make up sex, no sense wasting the weekend away.....lol. Best wishes to you.

[Fraser]

And this is why continuing on with the same person is so tough. It's extremely difficult to put humpty-dumpty back together again and forget what she did. You want to go back to the way it was before, but that's virtually impossible. It's going to be different from here on out. The question you have to ask yourself is if you are capable of having a different relationship with her.

 

I want to, I mean I guess im still p!ssed that she took away our old relationship or at least our old dynamic but I do love her, regardless I love her. I want to at least say we tried.

[Fraser]

Fraser,

 

Don't let a bunch of naysayers talk you into doing something you don't want to do. She is young, she did something stupid, she has not given you excuses, she has confessed and is contrite. That says a lot to me as to who she is as a person.

 

Personally, I would take her up on the offer of the camper to get away. Take this opportunity to talk about your relationship, talk about boundaries and look to make the relationship stronger. No one is perfect and you may need forgiveness one day as well, do be afraid to show compassion. You are not looking to sweep this under the rug, use this opportunity to make the relationship stronger. Oh and don't forget the make up sex, no sense wasting the weekend away.....lol. Best wishes to you.

 

I want to give it another go I do I just realise I need to have something in the way of a talk with her about how we progress from here and I just don't know what to say. I don't know wether to just go for it and let her lead or to try and work out what I want before bringing it up, problem being I really don't know what I want to say

[Simon Phoenix]

I want to, I mean I guess im still p!ssed that she took away our old relationship or at least our old dynamic but I do love her, regardless I love her. I want to at least say we tried.

 

I see where you are coming from, I do. She has to be the one to really try though, especially at first. I just think taking your time is the best way to go about this. Don't rush it out of desperation. If you don't know what to say right now, don't say anything until you do. Let it come naturally. If in the time you are figuring things out she gets impatient and starts either a) pressuring you or b) seeing someone else, you'll know that her love and regret for you weren't genuine. If she truly loves you and truly is sorry for what she did she'll give you the time you need.

[Fraser]

Hey mate,

 

To be cynical, it kind of sounds like she might have been tiring of the relationship for some time, but was holding off on breaking the news to you because she didn't want to mess up the paris vacation. The timing of her confession is questionable at best.

The Paris vacation was the peak and what have you done for me lately, KWIM?

 

"Like that" is the clincher. She DID intend to cheat on you or at least dump you but not "like that." The other guy made his move before she had all her ducks in a row. He also probably threatened to spill the beans to you which is why she even told you. If she was truly faithful she would have said I didn't mean it to happen AT ALL.

 

She deffo doesn't want to end it though, like mutual friends are telling me shes a mess - not sleeping, not eating, throwing up, and she's telling me she'll do anything, hitting my phone up every 2 seconds - she doesn't want us to be over.

 

So if she's not the type to ordinarily do something like this--it must mean she is seriously dissatisfied on some level with the relationship. Or else why do this to you?

That's what im asking myself

 

Or: maybe this particular bloke she kissed is "special" in some

way.

I wrote a post on him & her a bit further down...they've never been particularly close - her exact words were 'he thinks his charming but it comes off more creepy'. And if I can say it without sounding cocky he's not very good looking - I really don't see him as a long term threat, just risking our relationship for a kiss with him does hurt me!

 

OK so you broke up, that's that. Also the self-image as a "nice guy" is not positive in these things. "Nice guys" tend to get walked on.

I don't mean nice guy in that sense just that im a good person if I say so myself, not a jerk.

 

This either shows 1) she's lying or 2) she's seriously messed up. That's how she treats someone she loves???

I know, I know....its just aside from this she treats me really well..

 

especially shortly after a paris trip--that was like your

"honeymoon" right? The paris trip was to cement your relationship in some

fashion? I hesitate to ask who paid for the paris trip.

Her gran paid mostly....She won some money on the lotto and split it between meg but she wanted them to 'do aomething' rather than just have the cash. She transferred it to me to book something for Meg as a surprise, I chose paris cause I know shes always really wanted to go - obviously I paid my own flight and stuff and I put I small amount too it but that doesn't bother me - she does nice things for me all the time, she quite the romantic.

 

Sorry but I'm skeptical. "So different compared to any other guy" is not "good." It's a put down. How many other of her bfs felt it necessary to take a trip to paris?

different's good no? I don't want to be the same as her exs - they broke up.

 

You obviously did that with her because you wanted to impress her, buy her, right? If you take her to paris and she still is cheating on you then you don't really mean anything to her. She's just a user.

Well no...I just I thought it was the nicest thing to do with the money.

 

"I can't believe how well you treat me". Yes I am sure you do treat her much nicer than she deserves, she knows that, she doesn't want to lose that of course.

I know what shes done, belie me im more p!ssed than anyone, but shes not a bad person - like if you met her you'd know that.

 

Notice, she doesn't say you make her hot or that she is sexually attracted to you. There's nothing here about wanting to screw your brains out or have wild sex with you. She is basically saying you are just like her cute little kitten or puppy dog. She's not really very much physically attracted to you but does like the paris vacations and other stuff you provide.

To be fair, she's not that err she's not like that, she wouldn't say it but I promise you our sex life is good!

You know what they say about the quiet ones..

 

"I'm being 100% honest" and you should believe that why???

Well shes left me doubting her faifullness but I do still kinda trust her honesty - she was honest with me

 

"I kissed him"???--that means SHE made a play for HIM, not the other way around!!!

 

I worte what she told me about the exact ins and outs a bit further in the thread, I can quote it for you if you want?

 

You know why a girl would kiss a man then break out into tears? Because those were tears of joy. Did she cry in front of YOU when she told you about it?

She did yeah..

 

and sorry always makes everything all better, right.

That's what Im struggling to work out..

 

 

 

LOL this girl is simply full of it. She's 21, you're 20. She has no

conception of what a long term relationship much less "grow old with you" even means. She is playing at having a relationship (you're probably doing the same thing by the way as most people in their teens/early 20's do--they go through the motions of a relationship, have the sex, the drama, but don't really have a clue what it's really all about).

A 21 year old girl for the most part is so fickle that even if she sincerely

believes or says something that has almost nothing to do with her ability to

control her actions. As proven in your gf's case.

I guess that's the thing - until now me and meg have been so drama free...nothing like your normal teen-couple drama.

 

If you still want to spend some time with her you can do so but would be crazy to maintain this as an exclusive relationship at this point (she already decided in favor of non-exclusivity so the decision was made by her). I would tell her "Look it was way too easy for you to cheat with someone you now say meant nothing to you. I still love you but I'm going to have to spend time re-evaluating here. I'm going to be dating some other people for a while, I'll continue to date you as well, we'll see how it goes.".

I don't want to date anyone else thou, I really don't - not to get back at her, hurt her or even the score - I don't want to play games, like I said im happier in a committed solid relationship, I don't want to string her or other girls along.

[Fraser]

Right. She doesn't just randomly kiss men "she doesn't know that well."

Which means she does know this guy quite well. Why else would she have felt comfortable enough to initiate a kiss with him?

By the way where did this kiss occur? They must have been alone somewhere. His place? Her place? In a car? What were they doing alone, together?

How did the guy and your gf even KNOW each other in the first place? Their friendship must have predated the grandma deaths. Lots of peoples grandmas probably died last month yet your girl didn't make out with those people, did she?

I see you've caught my other post below, which I think answers most of those questions - i'll talk more about that in my next post.

 

You know if she really wanted to get back together with you she wouldn't be

facebooking you, she'd show up at your doorstep naked under a raincoat and drag you to bed to show you what you'd be losing.

The fact that she hasn't done that, and that it doesn't look like you've even

discussed what your sexual relationship is like, suggests that sex with her

isn't a very big part of your relationship with her.

Well she did come to my door, not naked, granted - but then I don't really want just to F*ck and forget y'know, like if we're going to move on from this we have to deal with it properly.

And on the second point....I just don't like to kiss and tell, I feel like its disrespectful to talk about y'know that part of our relationship but I promise you its good, more than!

[Fraser]

But did she drag you in the bedroom and rip your clothes off for make-up sex? It doesn't sound like it. When a woman who really loves a man and is sexually attracted to him has truly screwed up and wants to "make amends" the Ace card is to offer herself sexually to him.

 

Doesn't sound like this is part of your girl's action plan.

 

True but I didn't let her in the house - I mad, I didn't really want to talk to her.

And like I say if we fix this then it needs to go deeper than just sex, you know - I can go out and hook up with a girl just for sex, I get more than that with her - theres nothing wrong with our sex life, its our relationship she hurt its that that needs fixing - y'know?

[Fraser]

Excuse me but these are simply words. You told her point blank when she confessed that you were breaking up with her. Now you are second guessing yourself. That's weak. Or else you were simply acting emotionally and out of anger when you broke up with her and going forward she will believe you are a bluffer who doesn't mean what you say and she can cheat on you again.

I wanted space more than to break up - I was mad, I saw red - I just told her to 'f*** off, we're done'

 

Also you don't want to know circumstances. She told you it was a five second kiss. Who knows what it really was. Why did she tell you? Maybe someone else found out about it or saw her and she was afraid you would find out from someone else.

Why? I don't know why she chose to - its really important to me that she did! but I dunno if that's why, or she felt guilty, or I dunno.

 

This has nothing to do with imposing fallout or a crime. It's a free country and she can kiss whoever she wants. The question is why are you trying so hard to talk yourself into what you intuitively and immediately knew wasn't right when you originally broke up with her.

I love her. And I was just mad at her. Im not kind of 'mad' anymore I just hurt and i don't know whether our relationships hurt to badly to recover from

 

I'll tell you why: You are the so called "nice guy" who is lacking in confidence and needs to take a girl to paris or else he feels he will lose her.

wow, I feel that's a tad harsh? I don't think I lack confidence and I don't need a girl for anything. But I do enjoy having her by my side.

[Fraser]

This is almost undoubtedly a deliberate lie. This was intended as a date between Meg and the other man. The friend was merely the camoflauge or "beard." Why would Meg feel bad about pulling out as well since this man supposedly meant nothing at all to Meg? "Meeting up with him" one on one = a date. Meg went out on a date with this man.

Well at least this bit of her story I can support - she invited me to go with them but I was training and I do know her friend was sick cause said friend was meant to becoming over ours the next day cause shes also friends with my sister but she didn't - tonsillitis.

 

So he has been facebook stalking her as well? Or, did Meg previously friend him and that's why he had access to her facebook photos?

They must of been facebook friends since school.

 

"Just chatting." One on one. At a pub no doubt? None of meg's story adds up at all.

A café but yeah

 

"Not like other guys" in this context can only possibly mean that you're not sexually aggressive or satisfying to her, "not like other guys" that she would normally be involved with.

I dunno mate, I would always take that as a complement. I don't really want her to be saying im like everyother guy shes met..?

 

So, even after specifically discussing what a great guy you are, reminding her of the importance of you and your relationship to her, she still can't stop herself from making out with him? No none of this really adds up.

yeah fair point!

 

Wait what? This isn't just some random guy. This is a guy Meg has known for many years "since school." He is evidently a well known "creep" (i.e. jerk/bad boy who is forward with all the girls and has that reputation). He is paying her compliments, she knows this is part of his seduction act, and she is just eating it all up.

from school yeah, though from what I know he's no player just thinks he is, a little desperate.

Mind you I dunno if it would be easier to take if he were some prince charming.

 

Also I believe in a prior post you said she originally told you that she kissed him first. Did her story change or did you misunderstand what she'd told you?

No she has kept her story the same...I might of quoted her badly at some point. (ive written a lot so I don't know quite which bit your referring to - my bad - she kissed him back)

 

Most likely she got a tingle between her legs from this guy but fully

realized while he might be good for some meaningless cheap sex it was unlikely he would be taking her to paris anytime soon.

Fair!

 

 

This is what she said (according to you in your first post) originally

 

She kissed him. What does he made a play actually mean? Meg was the aggressor. She put her hand on his shoulder and kissed him. She did it because she wanted to. She did it because he was overtly, sexually aggressive, she was out on a date with him, and you are sexually boring to her, although she will continue to accept trips to paris and your wonderful treatment of her if that continues.

 

I guess she put her had on his shoulder, he went to kiss her and she kissed him back.

 

Sexually boring...ouch!

[Fraser]

I see where you are coming from, I do. She has to be the one to really try though, especially at first. I just think taking your time is the best way to go about this. Don't rush it out of desperation. If you don't know what to say right now, don't say anything until you do. Let it come naturally. If in the time you are figuring things out she gets impatient and starts either a) pressuring you or b) seeing someone else, you'll know that her love and regret for you weren't genuine. If she truly loves you and truly is sorry for what she did she'll give you the time you need.

 

Yeah very true mate!

[Simon Phoenix]

What alternate ls dating forum are you reading phoenix? On this site, the reverse situation is FILLED with male responders giving much less harsh responses. It IS a valid point- I think the OP should give this girl another shot. After all, it was one kiss and she has shown a lot of remorse. Men seem to think if they do the same they deserve a second chance....

 

Nope, no man messed me up. LOL only on LS do men assume all women who don't dote on them and can use their brain must have "a messed up past" This forum has double standards. Me exposing them doesn't make me messed up...

 

One of these days hopefully you'll decide to evaluate situations based on the actual situation and not the genders of the people involved. Hopefully.

[MrRightNow]

OP, you seem to be grasping for reasons to stay with her. This girl cheated on you during a time when your relationship was healthy, so imagine what she would be capable of doing if you two ever hit a rough patch. Of course, it could have been worse. She could have slept with the guy or kept all this a secret, but she didn't. If you two were married with children, I'd say give her another chance. However, you're very young and have your whole life ahead of you. That's why I think it would be better to dump her and never look back. Enjoy your youth, have fun with your friends and date lots of girls. There are lots of women out there who would never cheat. It's better to be with someone who is mature and emotionally stable. Good luck whatever you decide.

[therhythm]

Dear lord the men on this site are so harsh on women. It was JUST A KISS. And shes showing remorse!

 

I just cannot take these responses seriously...Ive read reverse situations of this in this forum a lot (my boyfriend kissed another girl and fessed up) and the boys responding to that give much less harsh answers and say more "it was probably a mistake". isn't that such a coincidence?

 

LOL so dramatic "she is incapable of being faithful" due to ONE kiss. Welp, the 3 long term relationships Im thinking of that are good where they got over a bump like this must have been a fluke!

 

Men on this site need to chill the f out

If you wanna flip a **** over ONE kiss with a guy then don't expect women to be so quick to forgive you! (oh wait, men today are entitled)

 

While I agree that there is too much melodrama around this thread (I have pointed out that before and I am a man )... your clear hate for men disqualifies all your very good points... you should try to take the misandrist uniform out and give your advise without generalization about any gender... that would be much more helpful and much better accepted

[Rediska]

OP, you seem to be grasping for reasons to stay with her. This girl cheated on you during a time when your relationship was healthy, so imagine what she would be capable of doing if you two ever hit a rough patch. Of course, it could have been worse. She could have slept with the guy or kept all this a secret, but she didn't. If you two were married with children, I'd say give her another chance. However, you're very young and have your whole life ahead of you. That's why I think it would be better to dump her and never look back. Enjoy your youth, have fun with your friends and date lots of girls. There are lots of women out there who would never cheat. It's better to be with someone who is mature and emotionally stable. Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

FRASER---read the bold. He is COMPLETELY SPOT ON. and then finish reading the rest of the post

[Chi townD]

I'm also going to play a little devils advocate here.

 

Before you start to rebuild a relationship with her, you need to know one thing. When cheaters confess, they usually tend to tell you the bare minimum of what happened in order to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

 

 

So, as far as you know, it was only a kiss. But, later you may find out that it was a 5-10 minute make out session. Then, you may find out that heavy petting was involved; that he felt her up and grabbed her ass.

 

So, that's a lot different than just a kiss isn't it? You said that when this happened, other people were around? If this is the case, THAT'S why she had to tell you! Because she didn't want someone else telling you.

 

So, if someone came up to you and said, " Sorry, but I got something to tell you about your girlfriend." you could say, "Is it about my girl and what happened with that Douche Rocket? Yeah, I already know.." Then, they'll drop it because it would be an uncomfortable conversation and they just got out of it. But, their story would be completely different from what she told you.

 

So, if she says she'll do anything to fix it, then suggest that she take a polygraph. They cost a couple hundred dollars. Tell her that you have no reason to trust her or believe her. That some of the questions that are going to be asked of her is if this was the first time she's been unfaithful in the relationship? If this is the first time she was with this dude? Was it only just a kiss? ...blah...blah.... whatever you want to find out.......

 

Look up a polygraph administrator and make an appointment. Here's the beauty of this. You may not end up paying a dime. As time gets closer the appointment, the truth starts coming out. Hell, there was a guy that was married getting his wife to take a polygraph and they were sitting in the car and he was about to turn the key to go to the appointment and BAM! Full confession in the car!

 

So, just remember what I wrote. Might have been more than a kiss.

[aias]

I've read your thread and i noticed too much drama over nothing(well almost nothing) if she wanted to be with the other man why she is begging you? She have no reason to lie it's not like you are married and she is afraid of the divorce.

She told you right away what happened,she seems remorseful,she learned her lesson,and now she is asking for a second chance accept the fact that we all make mistakes especially when we are young and move on.

well not as easy as i suggest but i think you know what i mean.

Tell her that you are not going to be her parole officer, but Such behavior is unacceptable and she must find a way to control herself, if she wants to be with you.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Oh, so exposing double standards makes me a misandrist? More melodrama for the men. *Equality* means youre a misandrist girls!

 

I already gave advice. She *only* kissed a guy and has shown a plethora of remorse. She should be given another chance. Do you know how many LTR have something like this happen???

 

But all the men with their severe insecurity issues projecting on this site that turn any sign or hint of untrustworthiness from a woman and take it waaay too far are saying shes an awful person with no hope for redemption and oh no, nobody could ever get over this!!! LOL. Free entertainment for me

 

 

He shouldn't take her back because if she does, she won't respect him. She already cheated. Cheaters don't deserve a second chance. If you're willing to take back a cheater, you deserve what you get. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...

[Woggle]

He shouldn't take her back because if she does, she won't respect him. She already cheated. Cheaters don't deserve a second chance. If you're willing to take back a cheater, you deserve what you get. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...

 

I agree and I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Oh I agree. Problem is most, genders reversed most men don't have such insanely strong opinions...agree to disagree I guess. I've been reading this site for a long time and women get judged insanely harsh on this site more than men! One time I made up a separate account and posted the same exact situation of a thread where a woman was bashed to death for something relatively harmless and in my newly created thread, the guy got a lot more forgiveness and excuses! Men on this site project their insecurities

 

 

www.enotalone.com is a great site for more rational advice than crazy insecure all-women-are-evil responses. I don't bother starting threads in the dating forum because most of the responses are from misogynists and narcissistic men

 

 

Men are judged harshly. Then you have the PUA wannabes(CptSaveAHo and a handful of others) who refuse to blame women at all. You obviously haven't been here long enough to see the ad-hominem attacks and patting each other on the back while ganging up on others.

[JustJoe]

You have trouble getting girls don't you?

That is beside the point and none of your business. The OP came here with a problem, snide comments like this do not help.

[JustJoe]

haha, I know you think im soft, im not I just I don't think you get anywhere in life jacking things in everytime you hit problems...but im only gonna bother if I genuinely believe were on the same page.

That is the problem, isn't it. You AREN"T on the same page, she is one page ahead of you.

[JustJoe]

So much it breaks my heart!

 

 

Right, and that's what I'm battling with because I'm not going to have that - I'm not going to play the jealous boyfriend who doesn't trust his girl.

I want to move forward but I won't do it unless I we can fully deal with this and put it in the past and bein a place where we have trust in each other.

 

 

 

With all due respect I think that's a little harsh! I don't think you can take our whole relationship and say it meant nothing because she kissed a guy and regrets it.

 

And like I said before the consequences don't just affect her, they affect me and I don't want to make a snap decision that throws everything away that we've got together, I mean I'm fully prepared to do that, but I won't do it on principle alone, this is my life and this is a big call for me and I want to be happy that I've made the right decision!

With regards to this first paragraph, you are not going to find a "magic" answer that will instantly put everything in place, and allow you to trust her again instantly. If you decide to give her another chance, this type of thing will be a recurrent theme in your life, for quite some time. Is that acceptable to you?.

[JustJoe]

Hmm well I didn't really think she would bother but even if she tried I figure it would be pretty hard to find one thread in the whole of the Internet

 

...and even if she did, even if someone show'd it to her or whatever, I haven't said anything I wouldn't say to her face so I don't really care particually. .

Dude, if you google infidelity, LS is one of the first sites that come up. It would take a persistent person about an hour to find this thread.

[JustJoe]

True...totally true!

This is what I was trying to say,I don't want to be in a relationship where this is under the surface, making me jealous or even making her feel like she owes me. If we're going to move forward we need to completely deal with it somehow and then take it off the table completely.

Sorry but there is no instant way to do this. Reconciliation is an on-going process that takes time.