My gf kissed another guy :((

[JustJoe]

We could go on like this for hours!

 

I know I can be very pedantic, but she definitely hasn't cheated. If she had deliberately gone behind his back and told lies, then she would have cheated - but she didn't do this. She kissed somebody - once, by mistake, and told the OP immediately - that doesn't fit any definition of cheating.

 

She was however 'unfaithful'. She broke his trust by doing something she had 'promised' not to do. Even if the promise was only implied by their girlfriend/boyfriend status.

 

Breaking someone's trust in this way is a bad thing but it is nowhere near as bad as lying and cheating.

Sorry, LT , but in this you are wrong. She went behind the OP's back to kiss another man, that is cheating in just about anybody's book. The "coming clean" doesn't mitigate that, it is an attempt to atone. If there was no cheating then there wouldn't be a thread.

[JustJoe]

There, I think I'm up to speed now. The thing is, OP, it isn't you who needs to do anything , at this point. You don't need to "lay down the law" to her. OR make any decision s at all. What you need to do is ask her WHY she did it and WHY she showed such poor judgement. Also, ASK her what she thinks she should do, regarding her lack of boundaries with other men, and how can SHE prove that nothing like this will ever happen again. Her belated honesty is NOT a good reason to stay with her. If you decide that her plan for self -improvement meets your needs , the give it another shot, but only if you are 100% satisfied with her answers and her actions. Reserve your trust for when she has earned it.

[Fraser]

OP, you seem to be grasping for reasons to stay with her.

hmm...I guess maybe. Its just, have you ever loved someone so much it hurts? cause I love her like that, and for a while I had her in my hands and world stood still for us and shes done what shes done and it breaks my heart but its so hard to turn my back and walk when shes begging me for another chance and I still love her - I just cant help that feel that theres no winner if I was to walk.

 

This girl cheated on you during a time when your relationship was healthy, so imagine what she would be capable of doing if you two ever hit a rough patch.

There are lots of women out there who would never cheat. It's better to be with someone who is mature and emotionally stable. Good luck whatever you decide.

Yeah this is the other thing - in mot just hurt, im shocked - like knock me down shocked. And that's not just me, like me friends, her friends, her family so many people have told me 'I can believe it' 'I didn't think she had it in her' so then im like, I dunno, confused.

 

Of course, it could have been worse. She could have slept with the

guy or kept all this a secret, but she didn't.

True!

 

If you two were married with children, I'd say give her another chance.

I get that...but shes not just some girl who im having a bit of fun with - shes the girl I see marriage with, I see kids with. Again same with other people its always 'when you get married' 'when you have kids' always when, never if.

 

Enjoy your youth, have fun with your friends and date lots of girls.

The thing is that 'dating lots of girls' isn't for me the same as enjoyinh my youth - I like being in a relationship, im happiest when committed, id rather be with that one person who knows me inside out than have s different girl each week.

[Fraser]

Tell her that you are not going to be her parole officer, but Such behavior is unacceptable and she must find a way to control herself, if she wants to be with you.

 

I like that!

your bang on I really don't want to play parole officer

[Fraser]

There, I think I'm up to speed now. The thing is, OP, it isn't you who needs to do anything , at this point. You don't need to "lay down the law" to her. OR make any decision s at all. What you need to do is ask her WHY she did it and WHY she showed such poor judgement. Also, ASK her what she thinks she should do, regarding her lack of boundaries with other men, and how can SHE prove that nothing like this will ever happen again. Her belated honesty is NOT a good reason to stay with her. If you decide that her plan for self -improvement meets your needs , the give it another shot, but only if you are 100% satisfied with her answers and her actions. Reserve your trust for when she has earned it.

 

I like this! I feel like the ball is totally in my court, im the one with all the tough decisions, im the one who has to work out how we move forward, im the one who has to decide what our relationships going to be like - but I've done nothing wrong, y'know? I didn't ask for all these problems to fall at my feet. I feel like she should put it right...but like I said before she wanted to take off in the camper and I didn't so maybe im not letting her put it right....I dunno.

 

As for why I did ask her that:

Hey guys,

 

Yeah, I didn't really want the convo but I decided it was time to ask her to tell me everything leading up to it.

Basically what she said to me was -

he's home cause his grans ill (he works/lives abroad normally) and her and her friend were meeting up with him (he was quite close to her friend back at school). Her friend pulled out sick but Meg felt bad pulling out as well seeing as he was having a tough time.

Then she says that they were just chatting, he mentioned our trip to Paris (he'd seen her photos on facebook) and asked her how it was going with me, to which she apparently tells him how great we are, that im not like other guys. Then she tells me that he was like 'well I hope he knows hes a lucky guy' and she though he was messing about so just said 'don't worry I tell him'. Then apparently there talking about there grans. And she also said that he was paying her compliments but he's always been like that with all the girls since school, she says 'he's one of these people who thinks he's really charming but it comes off a little creepy or at the very least tying to hard'. But supposedly she felt sorry for him cause he was getting upset etc etc etc and she put her hand on his shoulder which he obviously saw as a green light and kissed her. She said 'I don't know why I kissed him back, I guess I was talking about something quite personal and its still raw, and I dunno, I was hurting frayz and so was he and it felt like a quick fix, except it didn't it felt really really wrong, I was like sh*t what are you doing!! but I feel like im making excuses and I don't want to do that - I f*cked up and I want to make it better if you'll let me fraser'

 

thanks mate

[Fraser]

With regards to this first paragraph, you are not going to find a "magic" answer that will instantly put everything in place, and allow you to trust her again instantly.

I know...I know im wishing for impossibilities but it doesn't make me want them any less.

[Simon Phoenix]

I like this! I feel like the ball is totally in my court, im the one with all the tough decisions, im the one who has to work out how we move forward, im the one who has to decide what our relationships going to be like - but I've done nothing wrong, y'know? I didn't ask for all these problems to fall at my feet. I feel like she should put it right...but like I said before she wanted to take off in the camper and I didn't so maybe im not letting her put it right....I dunno.

 

As for why I did ask her that:

 

 

thanks mate

 

And this is all wrong. She's the one who needs to do work, not you. You have done work in this relationship and what did you get? A girl who went behind your back. As for the camper, she likely just wanted to f--k your brains out and get you to forget about what she did. Don't feel bad -- if she really wants it she'll continue to pursue it and she'll give you real reasons for why she strayed. I feel if the ones she gave you are just scratching the surface.

[Fraser]

Dude, if you google infidelity, LS is one of the first sites that come up. It would take a persistent person about an hour to find this thread.

 

really?

well tbh if shes read it, shes read it - if shes reading this right now, shes reading this right now - so be it - like I say im not saying anything I wouldn't say to her y'know?

[Fraser]

I'm also going to play a little devils advocate here.

Before you start to rebuild a relationship with her, you need to know one thing. When cheaters confess, they usually tend to tell you the bare minimum of what happened in order to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

So, as far as you know, it was only a kiss. But, later you may find out that it was a 5-10 minute make out session. Then, you may find out that heavy petting was involved; that he felt her up and grabbed her ass.

So, that's a lot different than just a kiss isn't it?

Very different and we'd be over without a doubt but I dunno, on one hand I believe her - she's the worst liar like ever, seriously like she sucks at card games - you don't even have to know her very well to see straight through her - if she cant look me in the eyes and lie about whether or not she has a king of hearts, I guess deep down I don't believe she could lie about this. And ive asked her like twice is that everything that's happened, shes sworn it to me.

 

You said that when this happened, other people were around? If this is the case, THAT'S why she had to tell you! Because she didn't want someone else telling you.

No, well they were in a café near her house, I guess there may of been some strangers there but no one I know.

 

So, if someone came up to you and said, " Sorry, but I got something to tell you about your girlfriend." you could say, "Is it about my girl and what happened with that Douche Rocket? Yeah, I already know.." Then, they'll drop it because it would be an uncomfortable conversation and they just got out of it. But, their story would be completely different from what she told you.

I definetly get what your saying - no ones come up to me thou...well they have but no one who was theres come up to me.

 

So, if she says she'll do anything to fix it, then suggest that she take a polygraph. They cost a couple hundred dollars. Tell her that you have no reason to trust her or believe her. That some of the questions that are going to be asked of her is if this was the first time she's been unfaithful in the relationship? If this is the first time she was with this dude? Was it only just a kiss? ...blah...blah.... whatever you want to find out.......

 

Look up a polygraph administrator and make an appointment. Here's the beauty of this. You may not end up paying a dime. As time gets closer the appointment, the truth starts coming out. Hell, there was a guy that was married getting his wife to take a polygraph and they were sitting in the car and he was about to turn the key to go to the appointment and BAM! Full confession in the car!

 

So, just remember what I wrote. Might have been more than a kiss.

I didn't realise that was like a real life thing, I though only the police did that!

[Fraser]

And this is all wrong. She's the one who needs to do work, not you. You have done work in this relationship and what did you get?

This is exactly it...except im not exactly sure what I even want her to do...I know I must be sending her mixed messages like hell and I am sorry for that, its just shes really pulled the rug from under my feet.

 

As for the camper, she likely just wanted to f--k your brains out and get you to forget about what she did.

Haha...any other time I couldn't of got through the door fast enough!

 

Don't feel bad -- if she really wants it she'll continue to pursue it and she'll give you real reasons for why she strayed.

I know I shouldn't but I do know im being a bit hot and cold, I don't mean to be im just trying to get my head straight, obviously I know that shes a mess, I've been told by multiple people that shes not in a good way and that's the girl I love, and shes hurting and so theres a big part of me that just wants to hug her and make it all better but the problem is that then I remember shes hurting as a result of what shes done to me, to us!

She's trying, id be doing her a massive disservice to say she wasn't I guess I just don't know what I want her to do.......I want her to wave a magic wand and take us back to how we were - which is impossible but like I said that doesn't make me want it any less.

 

I feel if the ones she gave you are just scratching the surface.

maybe...I, I guess im prone to believe her story because I just genuinely cant think of another, deeper reason, ive tried, I have no idea - well nothing that makes any sense, nothing that fits - the one she gave me is the only one on the table

[MrRightNow]

@Fraser

The thing is that 'dating lots of girls' isn't for me the same as enjoying my youth - I like being in a relationship, im happiest when committed, id rather be with that one person who knows me inside out than have s different girl each week.

 

It's not just about dating lots of girls. It's about living life to the fullest and being free to do whatever you want. You shouldn't be dealing with problems like this at your age. Your priority should be on your education/career and your social life as a whole.

 

I was in a relationship like you from age 21 to 26 and it turned out to be a HUGE mistake. I missed out on everything from socializing with friends to career opportunities overseas because I was in a tumultuous relationship with an emotionally unstable woman. If she had cheated on me in any way, I would have broken up with her much sooner. I can tolerate anything except for disloyalty and betrayal.

 

You know what you want right now Fraser, but trust me, you won't be the same person in five years. You're not wise enough to know what's best for you, but I guess that's normal at your age. I'm just afraid you'll repeat the same mistakes I did, and all for a girl who you can't even fully trust. If you make the choice to stay with her, make sure the decision is made with your head, not your heart. Whatever you do, don't stay with her out of fear of being alone or out of pity for her.

 

You come across as a genuinely nice guy. She is lucky to have a loyal and sensitive guy like you. Best wishes

[Simon Phoenix]

A couple things. You shouldn't feel bad about being hot and cold. Quite frankly, she's lucky that you aren't completely cold, because a lot of people would be. You need to deal with this how you deal with it. You don't owe her a thing -- if it wasn't for her selfishness, you wouldn't be in this position. Don't apologize for being confused and not knowing how to act.

 

As for your last part, you are trying to use logic to figure out why she did what she did. Stop. Feelings and love are inherently illogical. Heck, the fact that you are considering taking her back can be seen as illogical on the surface.

 

My thoughts are to take as much time as you need. You aren't going to go back to the way it was -- that's over. You just need to figure out if you can build something new and better or if you just need to fold your hand and move on. Don't let anyone, be it her, your friends, your family, her friends, her family, posters on here, pressure you into a decision before you want to make it. If I'm reading you correctly, your heart wants her back but your head is thinking about bailing. Just sleep on it, do your thing and the answer will present itself.

[LittleTiger]

Sorry, LT , but in this you are wrong. She went behind the OP's back to kiss another man, that is cheating in just about anybody's book. The "coming clean" doesn't mitigate that, it is an attempt to atone. If there was no cheating then there wouldn't be a thread.

 

I can't believe there is a thread on this. The answer to the 'problem' is simple.

 

She betrayed the OPs trust. He can call it cheating and walk away, or he can call it a one off foolish mistake that she admitted to, forgive her and move forward. He clearly wants to forgive her so there's nothing else to discuss.

 

This thread is basically twelve pages of people telling the OP what a bad person his girlfriend is and he needs to 'watch out' or dump her - while he is interjecting with his own reasons for wanting to forgive her and keep the relationship going.

 

OP, I'd strongly suggest you do what you think is right for you - and don't pay too much attention to a bunch of strangers on the internet trying to persuade you one way or the other.

[MrRightNow]

He can call it cheating and walk away, or he can call it a one off foolish mistake that she admitted to, forgive her and move forward. He clearly wants to forgive her so there's nothing else to discuss.

 

He can call it whatever he wants, but she definitely cheated. Although she did have the decency to fess up right away and I do think she really cares about OP and is remorseful.

 

It is hard to make sense of this story though. If this girl was truly in love with OP and the relationship was strong, how the hell did she end up kissing another dude while she was completely sober. I just don't get it.

 

Anyway, the main reason why I think it would be smarter to end the relationship is that the odds that they'll make it as a couple and live happily ever after are slim to none, even if they reconcile for now. They are barely out of high school and have a lot of growing up to do.

[LittleTiger]

If this girl was truly in love with OP and the relationship was strong, how the hell did she end up kissing another dude while she was completely sober. I just don't get it.

 

Exactly! The relationship isn't quite as rosy as the OP thinks it was - on her side anyway. People don't take risks like this unless they're prepared to lose the thing they are risking.

[Fraser]

It's not just about dating lots of girls. It's about living life to the fullest and being free to do whatever you want. You shouldn't be dealing with problems like this at your age. Your priority should be on your education/career and your social life as a whole.

oh yeah im mean its not like shes the only thing in my life, my career is massive to me as is my family & friends.

 

I was in a relationship like you from age 21 to 26 and it turned out to be a HUGE mistake. I missed out on everything from socializing with friends to career opportunities overseas because I was in a tumultuous relationship with an emotionally unstable woman. If she had cheated on me in any way, I would have broken up with her much sooner. I can tolerate anything except for disloyalty and betrayal.

Im sorry mate - and I get that I do, but like I also have the example of my parents they met at 14 like 25 years ago and it wasn't always easy for them in the beginning but they stuck with it and in there case it was worth it, obviously in other cases it may all fall apart and then not be worth it.

 

You know what you want right now Fraser, but trust me, you won't be

the same person in five years. You're not wise enough to know what's best for you, but I guess that's normal at your age. I'm just afraid you'll repeat the same mistakes I did, and all for a girl who you can't even fully trust. If you make the choice to stay with her, make sure the decision is made with your head, not your heart. Whatever you do, don't stay with her out of fear of being alone or out of pity for her.

Yeah I understand!

 

You come across as a genuinely nice guy. She is lucky to have a loyal and sensitive guy like you. Best wishes

Thank you

[Fraser]

A couple things. You shouldn't feel bad about being hot and cold. Quite frankly, she's lucky that you aren't completely cold, because a lot of people would be.

Very true

 

You need to deal with this how you deal with it. You don't owe her a thing -- if it wasn't for her selfishness, you wouldn't be in this position. Don't apologize for being confused and not knowing how to act.

Your completely right!

Obviously no one likes to see the people they love hurting and under any other circumstances id do anything to protect her or cheer her up, but this is different, I guess im sorry that its this way, but its not my fault.

 

As for your last part, you are trying to use logic to figure out why she did what she did. Stop. Feelings and love are inherently illogical. Heck, the fact that you are considering taking her back can be seen as illogical on the surface.

true, I was looking for a genuine reason but I think maybe there just isn't one.

 

My thoughts are to take as much time as you need. You aren't going to go back to the way it was -- that's over. You just need to figure out if you can build something new and better or if you just need to fold your hand and move on.

Again that's true, and it kills me, but at the same time I think what we had was too good to not at least say I tried.. I don't to have what if's hanging over me, y'know?

[Fraser]

He can call it whatever he wants, but she definitely cheated. Although she did have the decency to fess up right away and I do think she really cares about OP and is remorseful.

I agree with all of that

 

It is hard to make sense of this story though. If this girl was truly in love with OP and the relationship was strong, how the hell did she end up kissing another dude while she was completely sober. I just don't get it.

you and me both mate

 

Anyway, the main reason why I think it would be smarter to end the relationship is that the odds that they'll make it as a couple and live happily ever after are slim to none, even if they reconcile for now. They are barely out of high school and have a lot of growing up to do.

I know the odds aren't good but that doesn't really bother me, you can only live for the day after all. I mean I want to make my living out of swimming, I spend hours upon hours in the pool or gym training or competing - the odds of me breaking world records are also slim to none but I don't think that makes it a waste of time, I dunno some would disagree I guess, I make sacrifices for my sport, my career - time, food, money - to me there worth it.

To me the sacrifices you make to be in a committed serious relationship are worth it.

[Fraser]

Exactly! The relationship isn't quite as rosy as the OP thinks it was - on her side anyway. People don't take risks like this unless they're prepared to lose the thing they are risking.

 

Maybe not I guess.. what I struggle with was it was her always telling me how happy she was, how much she loved me, how lucky she was, that I was the 'best thing that had ever happened to her'. It was her initiating 5 year plan talks, about when we got a place how she'd decorate it, little things she wanted to steal from weddings she'd read about/seen on telly when we got married, how many kids she'd like when we had kids. Always when never if.

And like it was her sisters, her best friends, who'd always make comments about how happy I made her, how "loved up we were", how much more upbeat she was since we hooked up, how she's always 'fraser this and fraser that' - comments that dated as recently as like the week before all this.

 

Its not like a situation where I was a bit more into her than she was me, I mean I was crazy for her but I wasn't in it alone - so if there were problems I just cant see where, I have no idea..

[therhythm]

@Fraser

 

 

It's not just about dating lots of girls. It's about living life to the fullest and being free to do whatever you want. You shouldn't be dealing with problems like this at your age. Your priority should be on your education/career and your social life as a whole.

 

I was in a relationship like you from age 21 to 26 and it turned out to be a HUGE mistake. I missed out on everything from socializing with friends to career opportunities overseas because I was in a tumultuous relationship with an emotionally unstable woman. If she had cheated on me in any way, I would have broken up with her much sooner. I can tolerate anything except for disloyalty and betrayal.

 

You know what you want right now Fraser, but trust me, you won't be the same person in five years. You're not wise enough to know what's best for you, but I guess that's normal at your age. I'm just afraid you'll repeat the same mistakes I did, and all for a girl who you can't even fully trust. If you make the choice to stay with her, make sure the decision is made with your head, not your heart. Whatever you do, don't stay with her out of fear of being alone or out of pity for her.

 

You come across as a genuinely nice guy. She is lucky to have a loyal and sensitive guy like you. Best wishes

 

I tend to like this advise not because I think OP should dump her girlfriend for a stupid kiss ... but from the perspective of OP being a young man and needing to focus on living life ... at OP's age this level of commitment will hardly ever survive ...even if they decide to reconcile after this.

[Fraser]

Who's wears the pants in the relationship?

 

I don't mean to be offensive, but it's a curious thing.

 

I think we're both pretty easy going people, neither of us lay down the law, neither of us control the other - its not that we never disagree but it works out pretty even on who gets the better side of the compromise.

So I dunno - I probably take control of plan making and im probably more outgoing but meg knows how to put her foot down if she doesn't like something - I wouldn't really say anyone does, dunno..

[Fraser]

Does she look up to you as a person? Does she admire you? I don't mean with words, or petty gifts. Can you say for certain that she actually respects you?

 

yeah, I would be prepared to say y'know confidently that she respects me - she always respects my judgement or opinions, she would never put me down (she'd never say a bad word about me to anyone), she bigs me up to other people, she'd never (bar this time) do anything that sh knows would upset me - if we disagreed on something we'd compromise, she always genuinely wants to know about my day and whats going on in my life, she comes to all my races like dressed in my colours, she'll cook me awesome breakfast in bed when I stay at hers and bring it up to me - remembering what day of the week it is and whether I need a bannana smoothie or a protien shake....I dunno how you really define respect but it feels like it..

[Fraser]

You know, maybe it was just her giving into temptation. We all deal with it, relationship or not.

Or perhaps she's weighing in her youth, thinking about possible missed opportunities.

I dunno, I dunno

 

What's important, is that you decide whatever is healthiest for you. Take time, away from her, to seriously think about your situation.

Yeah...it's tough I miss her, but I won't be a mug!

 

You're very lenient, and forgiving (compared to others).

You think? I did used to think I was particually, till I made this thread to be honest.

 

Try to not let others take advantage of that. I do sense that your girlfriend has done so in the past (not cheating, but other things), and perhaps unbeknownst to you.

Really?

Edited August 6, 2013 by Fraser

[JustJoe]

I can't believe there is a thread on this. The answer to the 'problem' is simple.

 

She betrayed the OPs trust. He can call it cheating and walk away, or he can call it a one off foolish mistake that she admitted to, forgive her and move forward. He clearly wants to forgive her so there's nothing else to discuss.

 

This thread is basically twelve pages of people telling the OP what a bad person his girlfriend is and he needs to 'watch out' or dump her - while he is interjecting with his own reasons for wanting to forgive her and keep the relationship going.

 

OP, I'd strongly suggest you do what you think is right for you - and don't pay too much attention to a bunch of strangers on the internet trying to persuade you one way or the other.

LT, you attempting to minimize this is doing the OP just as much a disservice as those who are attempting to maximize it. If I were Fraser, I would sit back, have a pint, take a few f days to think about it, Plus I would ask the GF those questions I mentioned. Sure , it isn't the end of the world, but it's the end of innocence, which is pretty much just as bad. The burden of proving her worth is on his GF, and she needs to start making a plan.

[Iama]

OP-starter you sound really smart and have played it perfectly in the OP.

 

There's no "right answer". I would tell her I'll take a week to myself. Then take 2 or 3, or whatever it takes for the feelings to go away and for you to think logically.

 

At that point I would weigh all positives and negatives.

Honestly if a girl is perfect in every other way I would forgive it, but if she's not, then you should cut your losses and be thankful she did it sooner rather than later.

 

EDIT: I read her explanation and honestly it doesn't sound as bad as it could have been.

 

What I'd do at this point is just ask her how she would make sure you guys NEVER have problesm like this and how she's gonna regain your trust

Edited August 6, 2013 by Iama