My gf kissed another guy :((

[Fraser]

Might not have been the first time she did that, there was probably a lead up to it as well. When my ex betrayed me, she was in contact with the man for a period of months before the deed actually happened. Though for all I know they'd been at it for longer than I know.

Right and if this was the case shed been gone but it's not! She hasn't seen this guy for 3 years and before that they weren't even close.

It's a 5 second kiss and that's what I'm dealing with and reacting to, it would be totally out of place to make it into more than it was in my head and react to that.

What she's done is bad enough, and I'm mad at her for, But don't judge it on what it isn't.

 

Cheating is a pattern and reflects a deeper dysfunction. If you take her back now, you'll be validating her behavior. Right now she's forced to reflect on herself and why she betrayed you for another man. That's actually a good place for her to be, now she has to face the consequences of her actions. But if you take her back, there are no consequences for her and you have to worry about her betraying you again.

But it's not just her that has to deal with the circumstances... All I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to play tit for tat, hurt her or punish her. Chucking her presents her with harsh consequences yeah but it is not just her affect - I have to face those consequences too, I lose the love of my life - and I've done nothing wrong!!

Do ypu get why I saying? Im not out for teaching her a lesson, I just want the best result for me!

[Fraser]

I know you just want everything to be ok again.

So much it breaks my heart!

 

But think of it this way, if you did take it back right now everything would not be ok. Chances are, every time she hugs a male friend you're not going to feel comfortable about it. When she's not around, you're going to wonder what she's doing and who she's with. This is not a good place to be in a relationship. The trust is broken and she chose to make it that way.

Right, and that's what I'm battling with because I'm not going to have that - I'm not going to play the jealous boyfriend who doesn't trust his girl.

I want to move forward but I won't do it unless I we can fully deal with this and put it in the past and bein a place where we have trust in each other.

 

When people say, 'I kissed her/him back and I don't know what happened!' they're actually lieing to themselves. They kissed because they were aroused and wanted it. Gran's passing on and the play this other guy made are no excuse. She felt arousal and she chose to betray her boyfriend. Now she wants the boyfriend to forgive her because she loves him oh so much.

 

Here's a little fact, if you love someone you don't kiss other people. You don't even let that energy come into your interactions with the opposite sex. Your attention is fully taken by your lover. Loyalty to a partner isn't something you force upon yourself, it just happens.

But it didn't happen that way for her. Let her take that camping van and drive off by herself. That's what she chose and she must now live with the consequences.

 

With all due respect I think that's a little harsh! I don't think you can take our whole relationship and say it meant nothing because she kissed a guy and regrets it.

 

And like I said before the consequences don't just affect her, they affect me and I don't want to make a snap decision that throws everything away that we've got together, I mean I'm fully prepared to do that, but I won't do it on principle alone, this is my life and this is a big call for me and I want to be happy that I've made the right decision!

[Fraser]

If this was his wife I'd say work it out.

whys that different though? Surely its about what you feel for someone than a party & a peice of paper?

 

He's 20 and his 21 year old gf is causing big drama and humiliating him. Yes have zero tolerance now while you can afford it.

I've got to be honest I don't feel humiliated - heartbroken, angry, gutted, yes, yes & yes but humiliated, no.

[Balzac]

 

 

I've got to be honest I don't feel humiliated - heartbroken, angry, gutted, yes, yes & yes but humiliated, no.

 

Stay with your feelings. Every adult is entitled to choose for the self - mistake or not. You have to do what your believe in.

[Fraser]

I mean, what's to stop her from doing it again if you just go all emo and beg for her back, which is what you seem like you want to do? If you are to take her back, you need to draw a hard line in the sand and you need to be assertive. You need to be a man. You aren't being a man right now, you are being a bit of a wallflower.

Well Im not going to be doing much 'emo begging' as you put it seeing how she's the one hitting up my phone or door every 5 mins!

To me being a man isn't running away or quitting something cause your scared you might lose, I was taught to stand up and tackle your problems head on.

 

If you take her back, you have to a) set clear boundaries and b) be able to move forward from this. If this keeps bouncing around in your head, you are just wasting your time. If you take her back without being clear about how hurt you are and what constitutes unacceptable behavior on her part, you are wasting your time. You need to put on your big boy pants either way.

This is exactly exactly it, exactly what I'm saying, I'm not going to play the insecure jealous boyfriend, if we get back together we have to deal with this properly and put it the past where it doesn't affect our current relationship!

Edited August 1, 2013 by Fraser

[therhythm]

I'm not going to play the insecure jealous boyfriend, if we get back together we have to deal with this properly and put it the past where it doesn't affect our current relationship!

 

That sounds to me a great strategy... You seem pretty convinced of what you want and how you need to solve it so don't allow other people to interfere on how you deal with your life

[BeholdtheMan]

If you've never been cheated on then, realistically, you have no idea what you would do in his shoes.

 

If you love someone and they make a mistake, it's human nature to want to forgive them, no matter how difficult that might be.

No, some people can't adhere rigorously to their principles when the sh*t hits the fan. I know that I'm not one of those people. On top of that, I admit...I'm not a forgiving person by nature.

 

It boils down to how committed one is to his/her principles. Are you waffling or are you decisive...

Edited August 1, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[therhythm]

It boils down to how committed one is to his/her principles. Are you waffling or are you decisive...

 

We are all of us waffling or decisive depending what moment of our life we are.

When you love someone (really love them)...it would surprise you the amount of things that you would forgive them.

[Shepp]

I'm not playing some tit for tat game, I'm not looking to hurt her or punish her I'm just looking for the best way to move forward and work Out in my own head if I can deal with this and put it to one side so that it doesn't affect our realtionship going forward.

 

Then we've got a different definition of being emasculated! I think there's strength in sticking around when things get hard and working at it as opposed to jacking it in!

It's not some game where I chuck her and she loses, if I chuck her then those consequences affect us both, that turns my life on its head - for an affair yes, for sleeping with him yes, for a five second kiss which she told me about within 2 hours - I dunno, I dunno if the fall out fits the crime!

 

I'm not going to have that - I'm not going to play the jealous boyfriend who doesn't trust his girl.

I want to move forward but I won't do it unless I we can fully deal with this and put it in the past and bein a place where we have trust in each other.

 

I like you Fraser.

I can see why she doesn't want to lose you. And I can see why she told you the truth.

I don't know what people are talking about saying your emasculated or a doormat - I think they must be men of very different morals cause i have a lot of respect for the things your saying.

I think it's juvanial to dump someone as 'punishment' alone because you both lose out!

If people judge your relationship purely on the infomation they have been given then I don't see how they can come to any conclusion other that that it is far from irreparably broken.

Mybe she'll cheat again, maybe she won't. maybe your'll celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary wih her, maybe you won't - no one can say but if you love her it's got to be worth a crack right?

 

Putting your heart on the line makes you vulnerable, but to say it emasculated you is rubbish, it does the opposite - it takes courage!

Edited August 1, 2013 by Shepp

[therhythm]

I like you Fraser.

I can see why she doesn't want to lose you. And I can see why she told you the truth.

I don't know what people are talking about saying your emasculated or a doormat - I think they must be men of very different morals cause i have a lot of respect for the things your saying.

I think it's juvanial to dump someone as 'punishment' alone because you both lose out!

If people judge your relationship purely on the infomation they have been given then I don't see how they can come to any conclusion other that that it is far from irreparably broken.

Mybe she'll cheat again, maybe she won't. maybe your'll celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary wih her, maybe you won't - no one can say but if you love her it's got to be worth a crack right?

 

Putting your heart on the line makes you vulnerable, but to say it emasculated you is rubbish, it does the opposite - it takes courage!

 

100% in agreement... I also like you OP... you have your head well put over your shoulders... this is not a game and there is not winner or loser... it is your life and your relationship and you booth need to work in make it happen.

[Ryan_Talon]

I haven't really asked her, I don't really want to know - it hurts

From what shes volunteered they kissed for like 5 seconds, she snapped out of it, pushed him off, burst into tears and then apparently according to her he was like 'im sorry meg don't cry its okay, you don't have to tell him' and she just walked out.

 

Not that I really think it matters to your situation and wether you take her back or not but I was reading your thread and that strikes me as an odd thing to say...kiss a girl and then tell her to lie to her guy, it just doesn't sit quite right with me and my instinct would say he's playing a game of sorts.

[Fraser]

That sounds to me a great strategy... You seem pretty convinced of what you want and how you need to solve it so don't allow other people to interfere on how you deal with your life

 

Thanks mate,

I know what I want I just don't know how at the moment...I think maybe it's time to actually go see her..

[Fraser]

I like you Fraser.

I can see why she doesn't want to lose you. And I can see why she told you the truth.

I don't know what people are talking about saying your emasculated or a doormat - I think they must be men of very different morals cause i have a lot of respect for the things your saying.

I think it's juvanial to dump someone as 'punishment' alone because you both lose out!

If people judge your relationship purely on the infomation they have been given then I don't see how they can come to any conclusion other that that it is far from irreparably broken.

Mybe she'll cheat again, maybe she won't. maybe your'll celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary wih her, maybe you won't - no one can say but if you love her it's got to be worth a crack right?

 

Putting your heart on the line makes you vulnerable, but to say it emasculated you is rubbish, it does the opposite - it takes courage!

 

100% in agreement... I also like you OP... you have your head well put over your shoulders... this is not a game and there is not winner or loser... it is your life and your relationship and you booth need to work in make it happen.

 

Aw thanks guys!

[crederer]

Well that's a tough one. Had this happen to me when I was around your age and her response was the same. I went about a week thinking things over and I basically thought that she seemed truly remoursful, as many other posters here seem to think. So I gave her another chance.

 

She ended up cheating on me multiple more times with multiple guys and it also turned out that she did more than just kiss this dude, she just chose to leave that part out during her confession.

 

Anyways, I wasted another 2 or 3 years on this girl that was cheating on me fairly regularly. We broke up almost two years ago and she still to this day contacts me begging for one more chance and she swears that she will do it right this time. Ya, I already gave her too many chances and lord knows how many opportunities I may or may have missed out on while with her.

 

If I were you, I'd take about a month before deciding what to do. I'd take a month of NC and see how you feel and if she cares like she says she does she'll be waiting. If not, then she was full of it all along.

 

DO NOT let her pressure you into making a decision right now. My ex did that too and I caved eventually because she was so damn persistant about it and looking back at it I am enraged that she had the nerve to pressure me at that point and disappointed in myself for caving. But I was young and stupid.

[Simon Phoenix]

You can have no tolerance for cheating in your life ... but this is OP's life we are talking about and he is the one who needs to have tolerance or not.

 

I don't want you to change in anyway what you feel... but I am trying to tell you that while your advise can be of much value...putting preasure on someone to react how you would react or how you would want him to react is playing God with other people life... he is the one invested in the relationship... you are welcome to give advise.. or to keep doing what you were doing but I think your advise would be much more valuable if it would come in the form of advise instead as a command

 

If you are going to write something like that, get rid of the damn smiley face. Comes off as condescending and insulting. I'll give my advise, you give yours. It's better for the OP to have multiple perspectives anyway.

[Simon Phoenix]

If you've never been cheated on then, realistically, you have no idea what you would do in his shoes.

 

If you love someone and they make a mistake, it's human nature to want to forgive them, no matter how difficult that might be.

 

I have been cheated on. After that, it was over. Loyalty means a lot to me. It's just a boundary I have. I would never do that to a person and I have no tolerance for it. I will trust a person until they give me a reason not to. But once they violate that trust, it's pretty much gone.

[Fraser]

She ended up cheating on me multiple more times with multiple guys and it also turned out that she did more than just kiss this dude, she just chose to leave that part out during her confession.

I know I didnt think she'd ever do this but I just really dont see her as a serial cheat she's just....like I say she's shy, she's never cheated on a guy before, her parents are solidly together, she's really into family and all that - and she involves me in all her family things...she's just not the type, hence why she caught me off gaurd! She's always more down for a night in or something low key, y'know she's not a party girl.

 

Anyways, I wasted another 2 or 3 years on this girl that was cheating on me fairly regularly. We broke up almost two years ago and she still to this day contacts me begging for one more chance and she swears that she will do it right this time. Ya, I already gave her too many chances and lord knows how many opportunities I may or may have missed out on while with her.

Yeah I get that, a second chance is on thing but 3rd, 4th, 5th I don't want to be sucked into that.

 

DO NOT let her pressure you into making a decision right now. My ex did that too and I caved eventually because she was so damn persistant about it and looking back at it I am enraged that she had the nerve to pressure me at that point and disappointed in myself for caving. But I was young and stupid.

Yeah I'm with that!

[Fraser]

I have been cheated on. After that, it was over. Loyalty means a lot to me. It's just a boundary I have. I would never do that to a person and I have no tolerance for it. I will trust a person until they give me a reason not to. But once they violate that trust, it's pretty much gone.

 

Which to be honest I agree with!

But this is kind of where her telling me within two hours helps - she didn't lie to me, I guess that's the thing, my trust in her isn't totallygone, y'know?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think the one month (or at least a few weeks) break from her is wise. Don't need to call it a break per se, but you need time to think this through as rationally as possible without her interfering. If she really wants you back for the right reasons, she'll respect you taking space.

[Simon Phoenix]

Which to be honest I agree with!

But this is kind of where her telling me within two hours helps - she didn't lie to me, I guess that's the thing, my trust in her isn't totallygone, y'know?

 

Honestly I'm not sure how much that part would matter to me. I mean, it's better that she let you know rather than let you hear from a third party, but the deed was done and she still screwed you over. And I don't think it was a temporary lapse in judgement -- I think she was thinking about doing this, either with this guy or with another, for a while. Even if she was drunk (doesn't sound like she was), that's not something people do without considering it beforehand.

 

But yeah, if I was in your shoes, the fact she told me wouldn't move me that much. But that's me.

[Darren Steez]

I sometimes wonder how much benefit people get by posting here and asking for help.

Many people here are very prone to tell someone "dump her" "forgive her" or anything else because they have no investment in the relationship (zero), and they project their bad experiences and hurt feelings to the OP.

 

I am not going to tell you what you should do because that is only your decision...you are the one who knows her and the one who has invested in this relationship with this woman but I would like to open a line of thinking...

 

She cheated ,even when she only kissed a guy she did cheat and that is something you should always bear in mind... she is capable of cheating.

She told you right away (even when that could cost her dearly she had enough respect for you as to tell you the truth and allow you to take an informed decision about this relationship (people who think she should have not tell you don't value your right to take decisions about your life with the right set of information... meh)

She is remorseful, she hates herself for what she did and she hates that she may lose you for it... hence she learned a lesson.

 

You will never (ever) come back to how things where three days ago... now the innocence of your relationship and the trust are gone.

 

It is up to you to decide if the fact that she was honest, that she respected you enough to tell you and allow you to take your decisions and that she is remorseful could compensate the fact that she misbehaved with another guy and made you lose your trust on her. Only your decision!

 

If you were to reconcile and come back with her she needs to explain you how she is going to avoid this happening again... (the answer : "I know now how painful this was for you" is not a valid answer because next time she may choose for not telling you)... she needs to understand how to build boundaries in her relationship with other males... till then she should not allow herself to one to one meetings with any other men!

 

Ah mate, I never say dump her/him lightly. I wish to god I knew about this site when I was going through my problems, I would have had my story analysed by strangers with a clean pair of eyes and told the blunt truth.

 

Let's face it most of the time, people take the cheating partner back, it's natural, sometimes you need that tough love to really analyse the situation critically. End of the day the decision is ultimately theirs.

[Darren Steez]

I have been cheated on. After that, it was over. Loyalty means a lot to me. It's just a boundary I have. I would never do that to a person and I have no tolerance for it. I will trust a person until they give me a reason not to. But once they violate that trust, it's pretty much gone.

 

You hit the nail on the head. It's about two people having a shared value system. Or at least their traits were two circles, a large chunk of their shared values should be the middle ground where the circles overlap.

 

Trust is huge as well as honesty. To me it's more honest to say hey, I'm attracted to someone I'm going to go ahead and explore it. Yes it's brutal but it's honest, you go and explore on your own because I'm out.

 

I can't fathom how if someone is attracted to someone, they still pursue, go through with the deed then profess love and loyalty..after I've stomped all over your heart...but I still love you so much

[LittleTiger]

I have been cheated on. After that, it was over. Loyalty means a lot to me. It's just a boundary I have. I would never do that to a person and I have no tolerance for it. I will trust a person until they give me a reason not to. But once they violate that trust, it's pretty much gone.

 

My comment wasn't directed at you!

 

If you've been cheated on by someone you love then you can put yourself in the OPs shoes and have some idea how you would respond if you were him.

 

The person I directed my comment at said he'd never been cheated on - until you've experienced something you can't possibly 'know' how you will respond....and, even then, it can depend on the circumstances.

 

Personally, I agree with you regarding violation of trust. Once it's been violated then it's very difficult, although not impossible, to get it back. However, in this situation, the OPs girlfriend told him immediately after it happened so he knows he can trust her to be honest - she didn't tell him any lies.

 

Whether he can still trust her to be faithful is another question - and only he can answer that.

[Simon Phoenix]

My comment wasn't directed at you!

 

If you've been cheated on by someone you love then you can put yourself in the OPs shoes and have some idea how you would respond if you were him.

 

The person I directed my comment at said he'd never been cheated on - until you've experienced something you can't possibly 'know' how you will respond....and, even then, it can depend on the circumstances.

 

Personally, I agree with you regarding violation of trust. Once it's been violated then it's very difficult, although not impossible, to get it back. However, in this situation, the OPs girlfriend told him immediately after it happened so he knows he can trust her to be honest - she didn't tell him any lies.

 

Whether he can still trust her to be faithful is another question - and only he can answer that.

 

She didn't lie about it, but she went behind his back and kissed another guy. That is also a violation of trust. When you enter a committed relationship with someone, you make a pact that the other person is the only person who you will be intimate with in any way. She broke that. That's just as bad as lying IMO, she still went behind his back, even if she owned up to it. That is a tough thing to look past.

 

I look at it like an employee stealing money out of the cash register and then admitting to it. I mean, I'm glad they admitted to it before I did inventory and realized the money was gone, but I still have to fire them. I probably wouldn't press charges in that situation, but they definitely wouldn't be employed.

[RogerWallace111]

Tough call, but if there's a situation where a f*ckup like that could be worked through, this sounds like the type.

 

Given her actions afterward I think the decision should be made not on principle, but simply on whether or not OP will actually be able to get past it in time. It shouldn't be about pride, but about practicality. He's in love with this girl, he wants her in his life- the question is whether or not he's the type who can get over it or the type who's gonna attempt to sweep it under the rug only for it to fester under the surface. I'd probably be the latter type, though I'd likely try to work through it, wishfully thinking I could accept it.