My gf kissed another guy :((

[salparadise]

Yeah I mean I believe her when she says shes sorry I do and in my heart I don't want this to be the end....I just want it back how it was! I love her, totally, but im mad at her, I dunno how to fix this!

 

This is within your realm of control. One thing I'd suggest is to separate the hurt feelings from the bruised ego. Put the ego in a box and tell it to shut the hell up, then tell your girlfriend that you love her too, and you're going to need her help working through those hurt feelings.

 

In this instance, you would've been better off not knowing.

[Fraser]

I've just went for a walk with her actually...purely cause I had to get my phone charger (haha what bull ).

It was good to see her with my head it bit clearer actually - it wasn't as different as I though it would be.

I guess I kinda built her up in my head to be this whole different person now but she was still just Megan......I dunno maybe that sounds stupid.

 

And to see her family briefly, I was really close to her family..

[Simon Phoenix]

I've just went for a walk with her actually...purely cause I had to get my phone charger (haha what bull ).

It was good to see her with my head it bit clearer actually - it wasn't as different as I though it would be.

I guess I kinda built her up in my head to be this whole different person now but she was still just Megan......I dunno maybe that sounds stupid.

 

And to see her family briefly, I was really close to her family..

 

I still think you should take this slow and really think this through. If she's worthy of a second chance, she'll respect that.

[Fraser]

Honestly I'm not sure how much that part would matter to me. I mean, it's better that she let you know rather than let you hear from a third party, but the deed was done and she still screwed you over.

Really? See to me it does mean something - as she knows that, hence why I guess she told me.

 

And I don't think it was a temporary lapse in judgement -- I think she was thinking about doing this, either with this guy or with another, for a while. Even if she was drunk (doesn't sound like she was), that's not something people do without considering it beforehand.

Well it was the first it me shes seen him in 3 years and they weren't close before that so I don't think its been on her mind.

 

 

My comment wasn't directed at you!

 

If you've been cheated on by someone you love then you can put yourself in the OPs shoes and have some idea how you would respond if you were him.

 

The person I directed my comment at said he'd never been cheated on - until you've experienced something you can't possibly 'know' how you will respond....and, even then, it can depend on the circumstances.

 

Personally, I agree with you regarding violation of trust. Once it's been violated then it's very difficult, although not impossible, to get it back. However, in this situation, the OPs girlfriend told him immediately after it happened so he knows he can trust her to be honest - she didn't tell him any lies.

 

Whether he can still trust her to be faithful is another question - and only he can answer that.

 

Ahh see this is exactly what I was trying and failing to say about the fact she told me! She saved a lot of our trust by telling me because like you say my trust in her to be faithful has taken a big knock but I still trust her to be honest

[Fraser]

I still think you should take this slow and really think this through. If she's worthy of a second chance, she'll respect that.

 

Oh yeah I am, I told her this, I told her I still don't know what i'm going to do and I just need a bit of time and space to think about it..

 

I actually told her id made a thread 'somewhere online' and about some of the advice I've got, haha.

[Simon Phoenix]

Really? See to me it does mean something - as she knows that, hence why I guess she told me.

 

Or she felt guilty and was trying to relieve her own guilt. I'm not saying that what she's doing, but that's a common motivation. Not necessarily to come clean for you, but for her. People reveal stuff like that often times for their own peace of mind. I'd be careful about reading too much into it.

 

 

Well it was the first it me shes seen him in 3 years and they weren't close before that so I don't think its been on her mind.

 

If you reread what you quoted from my post, I said she was thinking about it either with him or another. And just because they hadn't seen each other doesn't mean she hadn't thought of him. And you don't need to be "close" to a person to want to make out with them.

 

Ahh see this is exactly what I was trying and failing to say about the fact she told me! She saved a lot of our trust by telling me because like you say my trust in her to be faithful has taken a big knock but I still trust her to be honest

 

To each their own, but I just have a hard time making this distinction. Just because she was honest about her betrayal doesn't nullify that betrayal and doesn't lessen it. I don't see it as a positive thing at all -- just less negative. Like having the flu instead of having pneumonia. Either way, you're still sick.

 

I'm not trying to be a complete Debbie Downer, just trying to give you another perspective on this stuff based on the experience I have.

[Chi townD]

Oh yeah I am, I told her this, I told her I still don't know what i'm going to do and I just need a bit of time and space to think about it..

 

I actually told her id made a thread 'somewhere online' and about some of the advice I've got, haha.

 

Well, that was a bonehead move! You don't think she's combing the net to right now to find out what's being said about her and your situation with her?

 

I have a feeling you have NO idea of the persistence of a woman on a mission. Especially if she believes people are talking smack about her. PLUS! She has no idea where your head is at. She's going to want to find out.

 

Wouldn't surprise me if she already found this.

[therhythm]

Ah mate, I never say dump her/him lightly. I wish to god I knew about this site when I was going through my problems, I would have had my story analysed by strangers with a clean pair of eyes and told the blunt truth.

 

Let's face it most of the time, people take the cheating partner back, it's natural, sometimes you need that tough love to really analyse the situation critically. End of the day the decision is ultimately theirs.

 

I wasn't referring to you with my email... or to anyone in particular to be honest... but people here tend to very easily discard other people's relationships since they have nothing to lose.

 

OP's girlfriend kissed another guy and run back to her boyfriend to tell him what happened... I think people should measure the facts against what they are proposing as an outcome...

There is another post with a guy who's girlfriend kissed another guy... she didn't tell OP, Op had to find out and she was looking forward to repeat it again... do you see how different two cases are when the act is exactly the same? The context is everything in this case and I think she retreat what she has done and she has learned the lesson...

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, that was a bonehead move! You don't think she's combing the net to right now to find out what's being said about her and your situation with her?

 

I have a feeling you have NO idea of the persistence of a woman on a mission. Especially if she believes people are talking smack about her. PLUS! She has no idea where your head is at. She's going to want to find out.

 

Wouldn't surprise me if she already found this.

 

Especially if the picture in the avatar is him. But yeah, that wasn't smart.

[Fraser]

Or she felt guilty and was trying to relieve her own guilt. I'm not saying that what she's doing, but that's a common motivation. Not necessarily to come clean for you, but for her. People reveal stuff like that often times for their own peace of mind. I'd be careful about reading too much into it.

Yeah fair point, it's very possible...better than her not feeling guilty I guess but obviously ideally she should have nothing to feel guilty about!!

 

If you reread what you quoted from my post, I said she was thinking about it either with him or another. And just because they hadn't seen each other doesn't mean she hadn't thought of him. And you don't need to be "close" to a person to want to make out with them.

Yeah....this is the part that if I'm honest I don't believe, I don't believe she was thinking ah wouldn't it be great to have a 5 second kiss with a bloke I knew back in HS, go tell fraser about it and then spend the next day hitting up his phone every 5 mins to try and sort out the fall out....it doesn't make sense.

Especially factoring in the fact that our relationship was in such a good place, I mean I think we had taken a bit of a big step forward in the last month or so - due in part both to the good (spending the weekend being romantic in Paris) and the bad (her gran dying and the fact she really let me in, we really were a team throughout that) I think both things amongst others brought us closer than we ever had been, more certain than I ever had been she was the one!

 

To each their own, but I just have a hard time making this distinction. Just because she was honest about her betrayal doesn't nullify that betrayal and doesn't lessen it. I don't see it as a positive thing at all -- just less negative. Like having the flu instead of having pneumonia. Either way, you're still sick.

I do know what you mean, I honestly do

 

.....I guess the chances of recovery from flu are much better thou, right.

[Fraser]

Well, that was a bonehead move! You don't think she's combing the net to right now to find out what's being said about her and your situation with her?

 

I have a feeling you have NO idea of the persistence of a woman on a mission. Especially if she believes people are talking smack about her. PLUS! She has no idea where your head is at. She's going to want to find out.

 

Wouldn't surprise me if she already found this.

 

 

Hmm well I didn't really think she would bother but even if she tried I figure it would be pretty hard to find one thread in the whole of the Internet

 

...and even if she did, even if someone show'd it to her or whatever, I haven't said anything I wouldn't say to her face so I don't really care particually.

[Fraser]

Tough call, but if there's a situation where a f*ckup like that could be worked through, this sounds like the type.

 

Given her actions afterward I think the decision should be made not on principle, but simply on whether or not OP will actually be able to get past it in time. It shouldn't be about pride, but about practicality. He's in love with this girl, he wants her in his life- the question is whether or not he's the type who can get over it or the type who's gonna attempt to sweep it under the rug only for it to fester under the surface. I'd probably be the latter type, though I'd likely try to work through it, wishfully thinking I could accept it.

 

True...totally true!

This is what I was trying to say,I don't want to be in a relationship where this is under the surface, making me jealous or even making her feel like she owes me. If we're going to move forward we need to completely deal with it somehow and then take it off the table completely.

[Fraser]

This is within your realm of control. One thing I'd suggest is to separate the hurt feelings from the bruised ego. Put the ego in a box and tell it to shut the hell up, then tell your girlfriend that you love her too, and you're going to need her help working through those hurt feelings.

 

In this instance, you would've been better off not knowing.

 

I am glad she told me, her not telling me would be a dealbreaker if I ever found out and I don't want us to start stacking up secrets. I think long term it's important that,we're honest with each other, y'know, deal with issues and move past them.

[therhythm]

It doesn't make her honest to tell you. It's like telling you about stealing from you and how bad she feels. Confessing ones crimes doesn't make them legal.

 

confessing ones crimes doesn't make them legal but it does show remorse and regret... and it shows that she can't /doesn't want to hide her crimes from him and is allowing him to take his own decisions about his own life...

 

To my eyes ...it is a big difference!

[LittleTiger]

To each their own, but I just have a hard time making this distinction. Just because she was honest about her betrayal doesn't nullify that betrayal and doesn't lessen it. I don't see it as a positive thing at all -- just less negative. Like having the flu instead of having pneumonia. Either way, you're still sick.

 

I'm not trying to be a complete Debbie Downer, just trying to give you another perspective on this stuff based on the experience I have.

 

My guess is that you don't have a huge amount of experience of relationships based on your perspective.

 

Most people make mistakes in relationships. Some are pretty minor and others are very serious. It's a rare human being who is completely blameless or 'perfect' when it comes to romantic love.

 

She kissed another guy and was immediately sorry. She told her boyfriend straight away. It's not a heinous crime, it's a minor misdemeanour. Now the ball is in his court as it should be, but I do hope he takes his own imperfections into account before condemning either her or the relationship.

 

What happened needs to be talked through and worked through together, so they can both learn from it and then put it behind them - whether they stay together or not.

[LittleTiger]

Sometimes the criminal who doesn't want to hide their crimes is the most dangerous of all.

 

Good grief! Have you ever considered giving someone the benefit of the doubt?

[Simon Phoenix]

My guess is that you don't have a huge amount of experience of relationships based on your perspective.

 

Most people make mistakes in relationships. Some are pretty minor and others are very serious. It's a rare human being who is completely blameless or 'perfect' when it comes to romantic love.

 

She kissed another guy and was immediately sorry. She told her boyfriend straight away. It's not a heinous crime, it's a minor misdemeanour. Now the ball is in his court as it should be, but I do hope he takes his own imperfections into account before condemning either her or the relationship.

 

What happened needs to be talked through and worked through together, so they can both learn from it and then put it behind them - whether they stay together or not.

 

Actually, I've had plenty of relationships. And yes, I do realize there are problems that arise and that they aren't perfect. But I do not share your perspective on the gravity of the situation. I see kissing another as more than a minor misdemeanor though, I see it as a lower-level felony. It's not murder, but it's definitely worthy of jail time or probation/community service.

 

I'm sorry, I can't be as flippant and dismissive about it as you are. And unless his imperfections include kissing other girls, I don't think they are relevant in this situation.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah....this is the part that if I'm honest I don't believe, I don't believe she was thinking ah wouldn't it be great to have a 5 second kiss with a bloke I knew back in HS, go tell fraser about it and then spend the next day hitting up his phone every 5 mins to try and sort out the fall out....it doesn't make sense.

Especially factoring in the fact that our relationship was in such a good place, I mean I think we had taken a bit of a big step forward in the last month or so - due in part both to the good (spending the weekend being romantic in Paris) and the bad (her gran dying and the fact she really let me in, we really were a team throughout that) I think both things amongst others brought us closer than we ever had been, more certain than I ever had been she was the one!

 

I still don't think you are understanding what I'm saying. I'm not saying that she visualized kissing just him, but kissing another guy. This bloke just happened to be the guy she carried out her fantasy with. And no, I don't think she had a plan on what would happen after it. She followed through on whatever fantasy she had (which probably ended at the kiss), then had an "oh crap!" moment.

 

The motivation of that "oh crap!" moment is up for debate. Did she realize that she made a grave mistake and that she really loves you? Did she just care about you and feel bad about hurting you (if you found out) but has inner doubts about the relationship? Did she just try to get ahead of the game by telling you to minimize the damage? Did she do it just to unload her own guilt and try to clear her own conscience? We don't know, but all are possibilities that must be considered.

 

As for the "we become closer", I believe from your perspective that's correct. But maybe she doesn't share that perspective and had different thoughts on where the relationship was. When you do talk to her for real, maybe that's something you can inquire about. Before you do anything, I would ask her why she did it and demand a specific answer. If she is on the level and says something from the heart instead of a cop-out like "I don't know", that might reveal the answers to all of these questions. But to get to the point where you can accurately see where she's coming from, you need to be wary of all of the possibilities.

 

I know I've come off as negative and I admit I'm pretty cynical in general, but I believe you need to see it from all perspectives. You got the "give love a chance" perspective and you got the Doubting Thomas perspective. You'll figure it out.

[Story]

Healthy relationships require a foundation of love, trust, honesty, fidelity, and loyalty.

 

Take her back at your own risk.

[LittleTiger]

I wouldn't for just a gf. I would for a wife.

 

You might need to give a gf the benefit of the doubt at some point to reach the stage where she becomes your wife!

[LittleTiger]

Actually, I've had plenty of relationships. And yes, I do realize there are problems that arise and that they aren't perfect. But I do not share your perspective on the gravity of the situation. I see kissing another as more than a minor misdemeanor though, I see it as a lower-level felony. It's not murder, but it's definitely worthy of jail time or probation/community service.

 

I'm sorry, I can't be as flippant and dismissive about it as you are. And unless his imperfections include kissing other girls, I don't think they are relevant in this situation.

 

I'm not being flippant or dismissive in any way. What she did was undoubtedly wrong. However, it is not a crime.

 

If someone 'steals' an item from a store by walking out of the store without paying and then immediately realises what they've done and goes back inside to pay for the item, no crime has been committed - especially if they did it by mistake, and without thinking.

 

No crime has been committed either by someone who regularly gets aroused by people other than their partner - perhaps by mentally undressing someone in the street who has particularly attractive 'attributes', or by fantasising about other people whilst having sex with their partner, or by nurturing friendships with the opposite sex that extend a little too far into emotional intimacy (online or IRL) or by watching porn or visiting strip clubs etc etc

 

You could say that provided there is no physical touching involved in the above behaviours, then a real 'kiss' is worse. However, I would argue that, for some people and in some circumstances, mental infidelity is much worse than what the OPs girlfriend did - once, by mistake!

 

You may not agree with me, of course, but it's all a matter of perspective. I believe that 'intention' and the underlying cause of the behaviour are more important than the behaviour itself.

[LittleTiger]

I agree but there is no doubt she cheated. So the benefit of the doubt you want this guy to give his girlfriend is on whether she'll cheat again. All signs point to yes. At a minimum she will probably dump him for another guy at some point. Pull one of those out of one relationship straight into another cheater moves.

 

 

No, she didn't cheat. Cheating is an act of dishonesty used to gain advantage. She was not dishonest and she didn't do it deliberately for personal gain.

 

As I said in my first post on this thread, they need to get to the bottom of 'why' she kissed another guy. The most likely answer is that she has a need that is not currently being met in this relationship.

 

That's not to say it's the OPs fault in any way, since his girlfriend may have issues that he wasn't aware of previously, but it is still something that they can address together. Perhaps they can find a way to ensure that her needs (validation that she is beautiful or sexually attractive - just a guess) can be met within the confines of their relationship.

 

I have no idea where you get the impression that she will do this again! She was obviously very sorry and regretted it immediately, which is a very good sign that she won't do it again......and as for dumping him.....for what reason? I'm sorry, but there is no logic to your argument.

[LittleTiger]

Yes she cheated and whether she's being honest now or not doesn't change that.

 

I disagree

[LittleTiger]

haha I know you do but it's still cheating.

 

We could go on like this for hours!

 

I know I can be very pedantic, but she definitely hasn't cheated. If she had deliberately gone behind his back and told lies, then she would have cheated - but she didn't do this. She kissed somebody - once, by mistake, and told the OP immediately - that doesn't fit any definition of cheating.

 

She was however 'unfaithful'. She broke his trust by doing something she had 'promised' not to do. Even if the promise was only implied by their girlfriend/boyfriend status.

 

Breaking someone's trust in this way is a bad thing but it is nowhere near as bad as lying and cheating.

[therhythm]

Well... she cheated... she broke the game rules and that is the clear definition of cheating. But she wasn't dishonest about it... Usually cheating has a part of deception and dishonestly and that didn't play a role in this case.

We are really over thinking this... she is a child (20 yo), she felt the impulse of kissing that other guy... for whatever reason... she felt bad about it intermediately and she disclosed it to OP. She has learned her lesson and it was just a innocent kiss...

People get real... when I see comparisons with criminals :rolleyes:..I just have to think how people can really be so out of sync with reality and how perfect they need to think they are to condemn a 20 yo girl who made a idiotic mistake and felt bad about it directly... it is not that she blow him or slept with him.. it was a kiss

Edited August 2, 2013 by therhythm