MMY Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 HipHop, I will check in on your post and catch up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 This will make some here think I'm awful. I'm not. Also, I am a different person now than I was when I was OW. At the time, I dated married men exclusively , I had some issues. Anyway, they weren't flings, but full affairs, we had feelings for each other and were friends. But when I felt it was over , I would pretty much just slow it down...and then stop. A phone call to end it. Never another meeting, no response to emails, new phone number. I know they were hurt. And there was nothing I could do to change it . One more time for closure, changes nothing. Nothing. They never tried to contact you?! Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 You so have it in a nutshell here. Mine knew exactly how to get to me after NC. When I would at first initiate no contact, telling him it was because he was married, I wanted a family etc he would be really cold. His attitude, well I don't care, fine, see ya! even... yet he was the one who would often tell me this situation was not fair on me, that if ever a single guy came along he would understand if our PA ended... But give it a few days, when he began to think, **** she might be serious about this, he would get back in touch. Last time it was after 4 days. He ended up coming around to my house, we spend a whole night and day together. We had a big long chat. He suggested we see a counsellor! Why did I not learn from the previous times!!! Few days later he called me late at night drunk. Wished he could be with me, wanted to spend the whole next day with me, said how much I meant to him. We would have a lovely day together, cook, sex etc. I was excited. I was supposed to pick him up at lunchtime. I texted to say I was ready, he texted back to say, oh I've decided to stay home with the kids. Sorry. Maybe later. Of course I was not happy - but yes i was supposed to just accept that! The fact my emotions were put on a roller coaster once again. The fact my day had been ruined, I had gone out and bought food etc for us. I expressed my displeasure. Since then he has given me the silent treatment. He totally wants to be in control. I am not supposed to have an opinion. My spare time does not matter to him if I am messed around by him, and left at home all alone all day while he plays happy families...not a thought for my feelings. Why he couldn't even ring me that day to tell me? Or even lie and say something has come up with the kids? Rather than just say I would rather stay at home? That was like a knife in my belly... He has given me the silent treatment since then. He doesnt like 'drama' even though he causes it. I have gone NC. I do not care. I know he will still think he can get back into my life again. But no. I am nervous when the phone rings and I receive a text. But I am ready this time. There is no point talking as I am not supposed to have a viewpoint other than his. I am his doll that he keeps locked up in a cupboard, that he takes out when he feels like playing with me (or needs a lift somewhere, or a tenner for something etc) I know I am at fault in some ways for letting him get away with treating me like a doormat. It would never have lasted 18 months if I had been strong enough before to say hey, dont be so selfish. But I have learnt my lesson. He is a selfish coward and takes no responsibility for his actions. Are we deign with the same man?! Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Are we deign with the same man?! Lol! I just double checked back at your old posts to make sure - nope this was a different guy! But then it shows how similar they can all be. When I look back at that post however I also realise too - how the hell did I let him treat me like that? I mean I let him get away with treating me like a doormat because I behaved like a doormat. In other relationships in the past I never let men do this to me...the only thing I can think of too though is the whole time when I was seeing him (after I found out he was married as I did not know when we met) was I did not know 'the rules' so to speak. I knew how to act in a normal relationship, but this was different, I hated calling him if I knew he might be at home etc.....not being able to plan etc. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I could deal with the limited contact, the not seeing each other etc but what I really hated been ignored its so rude, disrespectful and ignorant but he never saw it that way and never really seemed to acknowledge it either 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I could deal with the limited contact, the not seeing each other etc but what I really hated been ignored its so rude, disrespectful and ignorant but he never saw it that way and never really seemed to acknowledge it either Yep exactly. Being ignored made me feel worthless. So it started a cycle. He would make me feel worthless....then he would suddenly be all charming and I would feel like I meant something! Yeh!!! .. until the next time he ignored me...and then was charming again...so each time my self-esteem was lowered - and I guess in the back of my head it would improve when he was good to me....so I was almost addicted to it all, I was addicted to that drug he gave me, the crumbs of his attention. If that makes sense??! My xMM never thought he was being rude when he ignored me. Didn't feel like it was important to reply to me sometimes....even times when we were supposed to meet and he stood me up without an explanation... I tried to make him understand it was not the fact we were not able to meet that got me pissed, it was the fact I did not know what was happening! If he was busy then I would see friends etc. But not knowing I would not know whether to make other plans or not.....or I would end up spending the whole evening alone as it was too late to make any other plans. I said to him with this whole thing, he has company when he is at home, he has the kids to hug him and to play with. I have no-one else at my home, so when he did such things to me I would feel really lonely. Also emotionally, I would be feeling happy we were going to meet, and then suddenly my emotions would abruptly change, with the realisation he had done one of his disappearing tricks again, and I would feel so sad... I told him I would feel better dealing with the whole PA if I wasn't made to feel this way.... He didn't really seem to understand, or care... Yet if I did not answer his texts or calls with 5 mins, he would want to know why!! It really was like I was only there to make him happy when he felt like playing with me. When he didn't feel like it I was supposed to sit in my box until the next time he wanted to play with me. I was his toy. I was supposed to be like a toy doll with no thoughts of my own.... Boy, why I stayed in it so long I just don't know... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Because it is addictive. Also for me I wanted to "win", for me to ignore him but then I would feel bad for treating him like that so I'd cave. Rinse and repeat Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Because it is addictive. Also for me I wanted to "win", for me to ignore him but then I would feel bad for treating him like that so I'd cave. Rinse and repeat Yep I wanted to 'win' in a sense because I felt I had invested so much in the relationship. Plus the fact too I didn't know for a long, long time that he was still very much married. I mean I socialised with all his friends - they knew he was married - but they didn't seem to mind and of course didn't tell me. I had no clue... I had given him my all for 18 months, and it seemed so crazy when he apparently loved me so much as he claimed, that he wanted me to settle for just crumbs. It wasn't like a partner who turns around and says I don't love you anymore and ends it. They leave it to us to end it - which is emotionally traumatic - leaving someone you love through your own decision. But also by doing this, some MM will then see it as our fault it is over. We are the ones to blame, I have been made to feel that way. That I can't really love him if I cannot accept just crumbs. That I can't love him if I want NC. So that is why in the past I went back too after NC....an awful situation to be in 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Did you ever get a reason why you were ignored? I never did and it really does eat at your self esteem feels like **** to not even be worth a text Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Did you ever get a reason why you were ignored? I never did and it really does eat at your self esteem feels like **** to not even be worth a text Nope no reason at all. He would brush it aside, or by the time we met again I didn't really see any point in bringing it up. Though of course i should of! Towards the end I would start texting back saying please can you respond. I want to know - as most of the time it was a question - like were we meeting or not. I tried to be civil - in saying something like - please let me know as if you are not free that is not a problem, but I will then make other plans...but even then he would not reply. Or he would reply and say 'hang on a bit, will let you know." and then an hour later maybe I would get another text saying something like 'actually I'm going to stay home' or he would not reply.... It got to the point where I started playing games - which is something I never do. One day he was supposed to come and see me and I waited at home but he didn't turn up. I tried contacting him but he didnt reply. So in the end I gave up and went out and posted something on fb along the lines of "high heels are not the best thing to wear on an escalator." About ten minutes later i got a flurry of texts saying sorry i fell asleep! Where are you? What are you doing? and then he tried calling me 3 times. I thought this is plain stupid... Him ignoring me is what set me off on NC the last time this happened. He had really really messed me around.....it really upset me....and I am going to maintain NC - though I am sure he will try and get back in touch again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MMY Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Sweetie.... Was I seeing you???? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Sweetie.... Was I seeing you???? LOL Which one of us are you talking to!!!?? Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Nope no reason at all. He would brush it aside, or by the time we met again I didn't really see any point in bringing it up. Though of course i should of! Towards the end I would start texting back saying please can you respond. I want to know - as most of the time it was a question - like were we meeting or not. I tried to be civil - in saying something like - please let me know as if you are not free that is not a problem, but I will then make other plans...but even then he would not reply. Or he would reply and say 'hang on a bit, will let you know." and then an hour later maybe I would get another text saying something like 'actually I'm going to stay home' or he would not reply.... It got to the point where I started playing games - which is something I never do. One day he was supposed to come and see me and I waited at home but he didn't turn up. I tried contacting him but he didnt reply. So in the end I gave up and went out and posted something on fb along the lines of "high heels are not the best thing to wear on an escalator." About ten minutes later i got a flurry of texts saying sorry i fell asleep! Where are you? What are you doing? and then he tried calling me 3 times. I thought this is plain stupid... Him ignoring me is what set me off on NC the last time this happened. He had really really messed me around.....it really upset me....and I am going to maintain NC - though I am sure he will try and get back in touch again... That's how I felt and still do but I still don't and never will understand how someone that "loves" you can treat you that way Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 That's how I felt and still do but I still don't and never will understand how someone that "loves" you can treat you that way I'm not sure if it was love for them or more control. Or whether for men like this love equals control. That is what he wanted over me. That is why he would get so angry if he felt he was losing control. I have been reading a great deal and I half suspect my xMM could have signs of proper narcissim. It does really seem like it... But no I don't think I will ever understand it either. It is impossible for either of us to understand as we are not of that mindset. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 Thanks everyone for your responses and experience. I am boarding the plane to St. Louis. I don't know what this weekend will bring - ignorance, one last time, closure, pain, regret; but I do know this whole experience has changed my life in many ways and I will never be the same. I'm thankful or finding this board and thankful to the many people who post with the selfless act of simply helping others through something they've been through and learned from. I hope to be there one day too. Just need to get through the next 48 hours then start the grieving and healing process and get focused on the real problems in my real life. Link to post Share on other sites
MMY Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Which one of us are you talking to!!!?? I was just kidding. lol. Sweet sounded like what my AP did to me.. Just having fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MMY Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 No, because he has an Annoying Habit Of Capitalizing Every Word In His Sentences...!! You know it is bad when someone can get on your nerves by the way they type. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Best of luck!!!! Please keep us updated :) Do what is best for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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