No contact or give her space?

[Darwined]

Little bit of backstory. Ahem. Hope you wonderful people can give some idea on similar situations and what not. I posted before and got some helpful advice but the situation has changed a little and my thoughts have changed. It's sometimes hard to translate your feelings into text too and afterall, it's about how you feel more than anything right?

 

My situation is basically this..I got close to a girl at work, many years ago, we dated for a while but it never got serious, infact it wasn't acknowledged as dating..we merely broke the touch barrier..kissed etc.

 

She got married out of the blue to a long term ex (knew him all her life) and despite accepting it rationally (she told me she wanted to give him a chance), it broke my heart but I thought friendship would be fine, since we hadn't had a relationship and despite feelings I guess I thought I would be in for a shot one day. Looking back I should of carried on with my life and kept her at a distance but instead I made her my life..she filled the void. I see this was a mistake now.

 

I've been her friends for nearly a decade and whilst the urge to be her boyfriend has been their in times of loneliness (don't have any real friends like her), it's never bothered me that much really. I guess the more cynical side of me knew her marriage wouldn't last because the guy she married could not provide for her..he has issues of his own despite being a nice enough guy.

 

Anyway recently her marriage has ended, she told me as much. She's not yet divorced but I found out she's not only seeing a guy at her workplace but has moved in with him already. Again, feelings come to the surface and I don't know whether it's my ego bruised or I love the girl.

 

I call her round in abit of an emotional panic of sorts. I knew she'd been distant and 'busy', infact I can see now that she's drifted away from me for a long while, physically (she moved jobs) and emotionally (less texting/not seeing me so much).

 

I tell her my feelings as calmly as i can, letting her know that its okay if she doesn't feel the same way. Stupid really, she's seeing the guy, of course she doesn't have those feelings. I guess sometimes you delude yourself that she doesn't know her own mind. She doesn't seem angry but abit shocked. We part ways with a hug and she seems abit confused and ambushed by my confession.

 

I get an email from her saying that she's deeply confused about her marriage breakup and that whilst shes happy with this new guy..she doesn't know if it'll work out or if its serious but currently it's working for her. She says she doesn't want me feeling awkward, anxious or in pain and whilst she wants us to remain friends, she gets it if i can't. That she'll leave me alone in peace. (Again I feel like I came across as rather emotional, though I didn't cry..I was abit nervous admitting I'd been harbouring feelings for a while) She seemed to think I'd been 'analysing' her for a long time and she didn't want that, though she wasn't upset about it as such, just a little uncomfortable.

 

I tell her I need some time to think and then go back on my word pretty quickly (about a week), which I regret a little, but I didn't want her to think I was simply manipulating a friendship. (which to be fair, it was more about loneliness even if the thought was in the back of my mind) I end up telling her I can see her as a friend and that I'm sorry for being melodramatic about it. That I'm glad we know where we stand but that I wished I hadn't dropped it on her so heavily at a time where she's confused and in a period of transition. On a rebound? I don't know. Could I lower my self respect to be the 3rd guy she chooses? Perhaps I could. A trade off for being hurt is at least experiencing a relationship somewhat.

 

Here's my thoughts and my dilemma of sorts..

 

We haven't spoke for a few weeks though I have text her a few times just to say I hope she's doing well, keeping it light and cheerful enough. I still care about her a great deal but have laid off our usual daily contact.

 

I realise that I've made some rookie mistakes (never had a proper relationship before, despite turning 30 soon) I also realise that I should of been happy within myself before I even considered a relationship, instead of using her for my happiness. When the rug was pulled away it hurt but it made me realise that if I was to be her friend again, I would have to focus on my life first and foremost which would include dating etc. I regret not being myself around her in the latter stages by harbouring feelings which made me often quite nervous and anxious. I told her as much. I told her I feel I could probably be a better friend to her now I have made my feelings known to her.

 

Would I feel dead inside if I saw her boyfriend and her kissing and cuddling? I'm not sure. Probably. Do you get over it though? I haven't had a relationship with her but I obviously have had strong feelings. I didn't feel too bothered about her 6 year marriage while we went out and had fun (platonically)..but I never saw them together much.

 

Currently I'm working on improving my life, keeping myself busy and making myself happy. Whilst we haven't spoken in a week properly, she's reading my emails, she hasn't removed me from FB or any other place as far as I can tell. Clearly she feels a little uncomfortable and perhaps doesn't want to hurt me and wants to enjoy her new relationship.

 

My feeling is to continue being distant but friendly (and funny!) in small doses and hope we can try friends again, in whatever limited capacity it might be, because friends like her (and she has been very good to me) don't come around often. I guess I don't want her to forget about me if time goes by too long. I never knew where I stood with her at times and couldn't tell her because she was married, now I know (even though she never said no..it clearly wasn't yes), and despite my slightly melodramatic tendancy to confess all, I don't think she hates me, but not wanting to talk..yet.

 

Delete her entire existence? Casually restart a friendship with me being a more normal level person..knowing where we both stand? I think I'm mature enough to accept she doesn't like me in that fashion. I think I just built up an idea in my head and got carried away for a long time.

 

I hope these ramblings can give some idea of the situation anyway.

Thanks for reading!

[Moper]

Little bit of backstory. Ahem. Hope you wonderful people can give some idea on similar situations and what not. I posted before and got some helpful advice but the situation has changed a little and my thoughts have changed. It's sometimes hard to translate your feelings into text too and afterall, it's about how you feel more than anything right?

 

My situation is basically this..I got close to a girl at work, many years ago, we dated for a while but it never got serious, infact it wasn't acknowledged as dating..we merely broke the touch barrier..kissed etc.

 

She got married out of the blue to a long term ex (knew him all her life) and despite accepting it rationally (she told me she wanted to give him a chance), it broke my heart but I thought friendship would be fine, since we hadn't had a relationship and despite feelings I guess I thought I would be in for a shot one day. Looking back I should of carried on with my life and kept her at a distance but instead I made her my life..she filled the void. I see this was a mistake now.

 

I've been her friends for nearly a decade and whilst the urge to be her boyfriend has been their in times of loneliness (don't have any real friends like her), it's never bothered me that much really. I guess the more cynical side of me knew her marriage wouldn't last because the guy she married could not provide for her..he has issues of his own despite being a nice enough guy.

 

Anyway recently her marriage has ended, she told me as much. She's not yet divorced but I found out she's not only seeing a guy at her workplace but has moved in with him already. Again, feelings come to the surface and I don't know whether it's my ego bruised or I love the girl.

 

I call her round in abit of an emotional panic of sorts. I knew she'd been distant and 'busy', infact I can see now that she's drifted away from me for a long while, physically (she moved jobs) and emotionally (less texting/not seeing me so much).

 

I tell her my feelings as calmly as i can, letting her know that its okay if she doesn't feel the same way. Stupid really, she's seeing the guy, of course she doesn't have those feelings. I guess sometimes you delude yourself that she doesn't know her own mind. She doesn't seem angry but abit shocked. We part ways with a hug and she seems abit confused and ambushed by my confession.

 

I get an email from her saying that she's deeply confused about her marriage breakup and that whilst shes happy with this new guy..she doesn't know if it'll work out or if its serious but currently it's working for her. She says she doesn't want me feeling awkward, anxious or in pain and whilst she wants us to remain friends, she gets it if i can't. That she'll leave me alone in peace. (Again I feel like I came across as rather emotional, though I didn't cry..I was abit nervous admitting I'd been harbouring feelings for a while) She seemed to think I'd been 'analysing' her for a long time and she didn't want that, though she wasn't upset about it as such, just a little uncomfortable.

 

I tell her I need some time to think and then go back on my word pretty quickly (about a week), which I regret a little, but I didn't want her to think I was simply manipulating a friendship. (which to be fair, it was more about loneliness even if the thought was in the back of my mind) I end up telling her I can see her as a friend and that I'm sorry for being melodramatic about it. That I'm glad we know where we stand but that I wished I hadn't dropped it on her so heavily at a time where she's confused and in a period of transition. On a rebound? I don't know. Could I lower my self respect to be the 3rd guy she chooses? Perhaps I could. A trade off for being hurt is at least experiencing a relationship somewhat.

 

Here's my thoughts and my dilemma of sorts..

 

We haven't spoke for a few weeks though I have text her a few times just to say I hope she's doing well, keeping it light and cheerful enough. I still care about her a great deal but have laid off our usual daily contact.

 

I realise that I've made some rookie mistakes (never had a proper relationship before, despite turning 30 soon) I also realise that I should of been happy within myself before I even considered a relationship, instead of using her for my happiness. When the rug was pulled away it hurt but it made me realise that if I was to be her friend again, I would have to focus on my life first and foremost which would include dating etc. I regret not being myself around her in the latter stages by harbouring feelings which made me often quite nervous and anxious. I told her as much. I told her I feel I could probably be a better friend to her now I have made my feelings known to her.

 

Would I feel dead inside if I saw her boyfriend and her kissing and cuddling? I'm not sure. Probably. Do you get over it though? I haven't had a relationship with her but I obviously have had strong feelings. I didn't feel too bothered about her 6 year marriage while we went out and had fun (platonically)..but I never saw them together much.

 

Currently I'm working on improving my life, keeping myself busy and making myself happy. Whilst we haven't spoken in a week properly, she's reading my emails, she hasn't removed me from FB or any other place as far as I can tell. Clearly she feels a little uncomfortable and perhaps doesn't want to hurt me and wants to enjoy her new relationship.

 

My feeling is to continue being distant but friendly (and funny!) in small doses and hope we can try friends again, in whatever limited capacity it might be, because friends like her (and she has been very good to me) don't come around often. I guess I don't want her to forget about me if time goes by too long. I never knew where I stood with her at times and couldn't tell her because she was married, now I know (even though she never said no..it clearly wasn't yes), and despite my slightly melodramatic tendancy to confess all, I don't think she hates me, but not wanting to talk..yet.

 

Delete her entire existence? Casually restart a friendship with me being a more normal level person..knowing where we both stand? I think I'm mature enough to accept she doesn't like me in that fashion. I think I just built up an idea in my head and got carried away for a long time.

 

I hope these ramblings can give some idea of the situation anyway.

Thanks for reading!

 

You are not unique in terms of these issues. I say that not as an insult but rather, I hope, as a source of comfort. You are not the first to have these feelings, nor the last.

 

You are unique in terms of you so it is not a one size fits all proposition. A lot of people advocate "no contact." Personally I find that to be a gimmick, but if it works it works. For me the problem is not contact but rather "toxic hope." I modify the word "hope" with "toxic" because there is such a thing as non-toxic hope.

 

With respect to wanting someone to feel a certain way that they are not feeling, that is toxic hope. If there is a reality to the way they are feeling, then perhaps it is non-toxic.

 

So to me the "no contact" thing is useless unless you can get rid of that hope. No hope, no mope. Of course I am "Moper" so take out of that whatever you will.

 

In terms of "no contact" my understanding is that there magic in the 8 week mark? That makes some sense to me. You break the addiction after that mark, which I guess means you no longer have that toxic hope. But then you have contact again and what happens?

 

For me I think it is a matter of just getting rid of the toxic hope. I seem to be able to do that and I just got off the phone with the person. I have to deal with her for certain reasons so "no contact" is out of the question at the moment even if I wanted to do it.

 

The toxic hope is really just a state of mind. You can get out of that state of mind if you want to. How you do it is up to you, of course, but I really think you need to focus on that.

[Yamaha]

I made her my life

 

This is your problem.

I would back away for a time and look to fill your void with someone else.

You can't be friends until you don't see her in a romantic way.

Once you find someone else to date and to invest with emotionally you can become her friend, if you wish.

 

You can't be her friend when your still holding out hope for her!!

Find someone who wants all of you not just your friendship!