I so want out

[Mimolicious]

He came to me at my weakest point...I had been married 20 years and he had been married 12 years. I fell for all the support and understanding that my husband was not able to give and sex didn't come till much later. He became my safe place to talk. I'm willing to suffer in silence if I have to in order to save both families. Most of you will think I'm a bitch but the price I'm paying now for letting him into my life is huge. Come to think of it, he might have had an agenda back then...not sure.

 

 

You know he could have been your "support" regardless?! Sounds like where it went all wrong is that you and him excluded your husband from the "support" group. Little late now. Your H finds out, he will probably fack him up.

[Mimolicious]

Want Out

 

In college my MM's brother had a PA with MM's SO, that was over 20yrs ago and as recently as last week MM wouldn't let his brother alone with me. I say dont tell and get out, you will cause havoc between your husband/ his sister. You and H, AP and W can divorce and move on but they are siblings for life.

 

 

Wait... and WTF does MM do when his B is around his W? LOL SMH. The fact that your MM is perfectly fine with having his own A shows that perhaps he's just intimidated by his B and is not really about morals, loyalty and all that... Does his B look good? Shyte.

[Mimolicious]

Wantout - welcome to the forum. I've only been here a few days.

 

I am an OW. My viewpoint is to NOT tell your spouse. I am in the minority.

 

If you are able to end the a affair without telling, that is the route I would take.

 

You made a mistake. A long mistake. If you truly are willing to commit to your marriage, I'm not in lockstep where truth about the affair had to be disclosed.

 

Because not doing so is deceiving. Mistakes bringconsequences... If we are ballsy enough to do something shady, then we shallhave the same guts to confront it. That is part of being an adult. A truthfulone. Children deny reality. Not even!

[Goodbye]

Even Marriage Builders own statistics show their method leads to divorce a vast majority of the time. So, if you are hellbent on divorce go follow their advice. Dr. Harley is an idiot IMO.

 

 

Dr. Harley isn't just an idiot, he is downright SCARY.

[janedoe67]

Dr. Harley isn't just an idiot, he is downright SCARY.

 

Dr. Harley is actually pretty good....if you stick to HIS work and not the twisted, out of context mutations touted by half a dozen zealots.

 

If you really want to end this A and honor your marriage, then one thing you need to do is surround yourself with supportive people who honor marriage and are committed to not cheating. Do you have a support system?

[Lady2163]

Because not doing so is deceiving. Mistakes bringconsequences... If we are ballsy enough to do something shady, then we shallhave the same guts to confront it. That is part of being an adult. A truthfulone. Children deny reality. Not even!

 

I just don't agree. Not only as the other woman, but as a human being.

 

I don't think she should ruin in her life if she is willing to commit to her husband OR is she is ready to divorce.

 

The other reason I am against telling, is not matter how thorough, we just don't know the whole story over the Internet. I sincerely hope the OP doesn't take what any of us has to say as "the only way"

 

But....is there a counsellor or clergy you can talk to?

[findingnemo]

Want Out,

 

I apologize in advance for the pain you may feel when you read my opinion. I really do try to be reasonable and tolerant. But someone has got to tell you the truth.

 

There are things we do in life that are bad. There are those that are the worst and then there are those that are UNIMAGINABLE. Sleeping with your H's sister's H is UNIMAGINABLE. So please understand that the folk posting advice are really being forced to think out of the box here. They are also a bit jaded having seen lots of crazy stories on infidelity. Perhaps that explains why none of them have posted in CAPS how completely crazy this situation is.

 

Truth time... There is no hiding this A forever and ever. That will not happen. Either your BIL will spill the beans or you will. Either of you will act out of guilt or anger or sheer stupidity. The fact of the matter is that this will not remain a secret which you take to the grave. Given that reality, what should you do?

 

First of all, I sincerely believe that you don't love your H. It doesn't matter what you say, how many times you proclaim you love him. Your actions have proved beyond a shadow of doubt that you do not love your H!!! To make matters worse, you seem to have zero concept of what a family is. Can you imagine the damage you will cause to your H when he finds out? Instead you are talking about protecting your BIL and his family. Your H hired the man. The man is married to your H's sister and is therefore accepted like a brother. And this is the one guy, in the entire world, you decide to screw??????

 

If you have any idea or concept of the damage you have wrought on all and any members of your H's family, you would NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE AFFAIR. Forget about trying to be honest so that you can R. That's out of the question. What you need to do is get a divorce and give your H a chance at happiness.

 

I do not understand how you can claim to want your M. What other sign do you need for you to know that you shouldn't be M to your H? You have done what most people would never think possible. His sister allowed you into her life as a sister, for God's sake. And you screwed her H? Do you have kids?

 

The only way out is for you to leave. Get a divorce. Lie if you have to. Tell your H you fell out of love with him. Leave the country...do something that separates you totally from these people. When you do that you will be able to say, truthfully, that you are the only one who will suffer. If you want to be so self sacrificing, do not allow your H, his sister, their parents, other members of the family like kids to know how their lives are a total nightmare.

[road]

He came to me at my weakest point...I had been married 20 years and he had been married 12 years. I fell for all the support and understanding that my husband was not able to give and sex didn't come till much later. He became my safe place to talk. I'm willing to suffer in silence if I have to in order to save both families. Most of you will think I'm a bitch but the price I'm paying now for letting him into my life is huge. Come to think of it, he might have had an agenda back then...not sure.

 

 

Still justifying spreading your legs for your BH's brother. A man that willingly stabbed his own brother in the back. That is not owning what you did.

 

As long as your BH is not told this affair will haunt you forever. Worse is that many a BH would of recovered when a WW confessed. However to find out on their own years later only caused them to divorced.

 

As to what BS's you asked that they would of not known about their WW's affair. I have been on infidelity forums for over ten years.

 

I can not remember any BH that wish he never found out. Yes wish the affair never happened. Though they were glad to not have to be forced to live a lie.

 

Yes some BH need to know that the affair is over. Some that and every detail about the affair. Then those some where in between.

 

Your lying to your BH about the affair is worse then you having the affair. Bad enough that you double betrayed your BH. Yes double betrayed. The affair and that the OM was his brother.

 

Continuing to lie to your BH is just deepening the damage.

[Artie Lang]

 

I don't think she should ruin in her life if she is willing to commit to her

husband OR is she is ready to divorce.

 

 

what are you talking about? her life was ruined the minute she engaged in an affair with her BIL.

 

if she wants to lead an authentic life, the first thing to do is be honest.

 

furthermore, i don't see where she said she wanted to end her affair. she only states she "wants out." by that, i'm assuming she wants out of her marriage..... maybe to continue this affair without the guilt of being married.

 

this is a horrible situation.

[road]

I just don't agree. Not only as the other woman, but as a human being.

 

I don't think she should ruin in her life if she is willing to commit to her husband OR is she is ready to divorce.

 

The other reason I am against telling, is not matter how thorough, we just don't know the whole story over the Internet. I sincerely hope the OP doesn't take what any of us has to say as "the only way"

 

But....is there a counsellor or clergy you can talk to?

 

 

Hello she already ruined her life. Until she comes clean she and her BH will never be able to rebuild their marriage.

 

To stand there and let her BIL/OM get away with what he did to his brother is so wrong. She is protecting and putting her BIL/OM over her BH.

 

Every time the OM/BIL and BH are together this WW refusing to tell her BH the truth will leave the OM/BIL to just gloat about his victory or his brother by banging his wife.

 

This BH needs to know that his brother is not his friend but his enemy. This WW continued lying will only cause her BH to fail to protect himself for his low life back stabbing banging his WW brother.

 

If this affair lasted a year her OM got to manure on his brother for that year.

 

This WW continued lying is allowing this OM/BIL to manure on his brother for every year that the BH gets to live after this affair.

 

So you plan on getting sick for every Thanks Giving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, family barbecues, graduations, weddings for the next 30+ years?

 

Truth needs to come out so NC is in place.

 

You know nothing about recovery.

 

If you knew about recovery then you would know the importance of NC. Too many affairs restart when contact is allowed to continue.

 

I guess you want the affair to restart on some level. Well what are you going to do when it restarts and that time the OM knocks you up? Or what are you going to do when your BH catches his brother doing you?

[want out]

I do not want the affair to restart on any level. I don't even want us to be friends. I want to stay in my marriage and save it.

I do understand that I have to see him every now and then....in family situations.

Someone mentioned "leave the country..." Really ??? C'mon....

[findingnemo]

Yes, I did. Not because I actually want you to leave the country. But you need to do something drastic. Do you have kids?

[want out]

Yes 2 kids and he has 1.

[findingnemo]

I think you need to really think this through to see what it is you are dealing with. Some questions:

 

What happens if the secret leaks? Do you think your H will forgive you and want the M to continue?

 

Do you think your SIL will also forgive her H and you and want her M to continue?

 

Are your H's parents still alive? Does he have other siblings? How will they react?

 

Do you think it will remain hidden from your kids and their cousin? How will it affect them if they find out?

 

I know you are thinking it is possible that no one will ever know apart from you and your BIL. It is. But it is unlikely and this is because you can't control everything. So while the possibility exists, you need to prepare for the eventuality that you will be exposed. Please think through the questions above.

[road]

I do not want the affair to restart on any level. I don't even want us to be friends. I want to stay in my marriage and save it.

I do understand that I have to see him every now and then....in family situations.

Someone mentioned "leave the country..." Really ??? C'mon....

 

 

No you do not understand many things.

 

NC/no contact means that you are to never see the OM/BIL again in any situation.

 

Still making excuses.

 

You know the damage has been done because of your cheating.

 

Affairs always leak out eventually. Thing is many BH can handle the bad news and recover. Though to find out years later. makes the affair worse in the BH's mind because they have been sold a bill of goods by their WW. And a second bill of goods by the BH's brother, your OM/BIL.

 

To the BH to find out the affair happened ten years later makes the BH feel betrayed for the last ten years. Not just betrayed for the length of the affair.

 

Time to own up to what you did and tell your BH today.

[123Sassygirl]

Wantout - welcome to the forum. I've only been here a few days.

 

I am an OW. My viewpoint is to NOT tell your spouse. I am in the minority.

 

If you are able to end the a affair without telling, that is the route I would take.

 

You made a mistake. A long mistake. If you truly are willing to commit to your marriage, I'm not in lockstep where truth about the affair had to be disclosed.

 

I completely agree. I would not tell your husband either. If you can end the affair, limit contact and make sure it never will happen again then there is no point in exposing the affair and ruining two families, hurting your husband and hurting the BIL's wife.

[road]

I completely agree. I would not tell your husband either. If you can end the affair, limit contact and make sure it never will happen again then there is no point in exposing the affair and ruining two families, hurting your husband and hurting the BIL's wife.

 

 

She already did the damage. Lying by omission to her BH will leave an invisible wall between them.

 

To let her BH live and not knowing that he can never trust his own brother is a further betrayal that never will end.

[want out]

My SIL and I are not close- she has never been nice to me in all of 20 years. She has always been jealous of me, she has put me down everytime she could, and I help with her child, babysit him when she needs a break....but still , I know it's wrong, but I've never felt any guilt towards her. I've never stood up to her, never talked back at her...always wanted to make peace. So I never thought about her when I was with my BIL. ...and now I want to protect her family.....yes , you guys are right...I need my head examined.

[canuckprincess]

I'm not sure what kind of answers you are looking for. But, if you want to succeed then all has to be told.....everything. Including telling the Bro-n-law's wife as well. And this is not going to be easy.

 

You can get a lot of advice here......lots good, some not so good. But I think everyone is going to say this: full truth and total transparency are required if you are ever going to be happy with your spouse.

 

Secrecy is STILL betrayal.

 

I completely disagree, when its family honesty might not be the right route. You and your brother in law must stop seeing each other outside of regular family stuff. No texting no phone calls no emails and no more saying I love you. Your lucky because at least you get to see one another from time to time. When most end an affair they have to go NC. When an affair is just sexual it's a bit easier to go NC but when it's emotional as well it's nearly impossible. It would crush me if I could never ever speak to my mm again, thank god the only way that would happen unless I decide its over.

[road]

I completely disagree, when its family honesty might not be the right route. You and your brother in law must stop seeing each other outside of regular family stuff. No texting no phone calls no emails and no more saying I love you. Your lucky because at least you get to see one another from time to time. When most end an affair they have to go NC. When an affair is just sexual it's a bit easier to go NC but when it's emotional as well it's nearly impossible. It would crush me if I could never ever speak to my mm again, thank god the only way that would happen unless I decide its over.

 

 

You have not ended your affair.

 

You may not be banging your OM but your affair is still on.

 

Without NC every time that you have contact with your OM he is able to keep your feeling for the OM alive.

 

You are still lying to your BH.

 

You are still betraying the OMW.

 

The only way to detox from the OM is for you to go NC. However like any drug addict you will accept any crumbs to get your OM fix.

 

If what you did with the OM was so special why do you not want to share this news with every one?

 

You continue to put the back stabbing OM ahead of your BH.

 

You were selfish during the affair and you are being selfish now continuing your affair post sexual part.

 

Does the sneaking and lying ever end?

 

Yes but only when the truth comes out.

 

The way you found the courage to bang the OM you simply find the courage and tell your BH that you bang the OM, sorry, want to repair the damage and have a better marriage then before.

 

You took the easy way. You with the results where the easy way got you. Now do the hard work and see how much better things will be afterwards when all is done.

[Ladydrib]

I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong....you don't need to tell me that. I just want support and encouragement so I can get through this and be happy again. I'm avoiding him at all costs but it's hard because he is family and I can't not attend every single family function. Please help me stay on the right track.

 

I don't see any reasonable option but for you to divorce your husband and remove yourself from his family.

[canuckprincess]

Wow, you are one paranoid individual. Take a deeeep cleansing breath and step away from your computer.

 

Omg I laughed so hard I almost peed myself.

Please don't listen to Road, they are either a bs who's hurting or someone who knows nothing about affairs.

[SoleMate]

This situation is far more complex than the norm. I virtually always recommend NC to end an affair, even when employment factors make that very difficult. However, in this situation, it is logically impossible to have true NC and also have remotely normal family relationships. Most A's have just 1 inappropriate tie - between the 2 AP's - and 1 directly affected marriage. This situation has:

 

* inappropriate tie between APs (need to stop seeing each other)

* inappropriate tie between WW and SIL (have to stop "befriending" her)

* inappropriate tie between WH and BIL (BIL needs to find a new job)

* inappropriate tie between WW and child of WH and SIL (have to stop taking care of or spending time with that child as it is under false pretenses)

* falseness of WH vis-a-vis parents-in-law

* falseness of WW vis-a-vis parents-in-law

* 2 directly affected marriages

* etc.

 

If you actually pull back and detach as I believe is absolutely required, not sure how much is left of your families. That is even without disclosure. Disclosure is a 1-time decision with lifetime consequences for oh, about 15 or so people, so please get professional advice and also start in on IC to find a way to fill the void you reached for BIL to satisfy. I am deeply sympathetic just looking at the mess you're in. Good luck.

[canuckprincess]

This situation is far more complex than the norm. I virtually always recommend NC to end an affair, even when employment factors make that very difficult. However, in this situation, it is logically impossible to have true NC and also have remotely normal family relationships. Most A's have just 1 inappropriate tie - between the 2 AP's - and 1 directly affected marriage. This situation has:

 

* inappropriate tie between APs (need to stop seeing each other)

* inappropriate tie between WW and SIL (have to stop "befriending" her)

* inappropriate tie between WH and BIL (BIL needs to find a new job)

* inappropriate tie between WW and child of WH and SIL (have to stop taking care of or spending time with that child as it is under false pretenses)

* falseness of WH vis-a-vis parents-in-law

* falseness of WW vis-a-vis parents-in-law

* 2 directly affected marriages

* etc.

 

If you actually pull back and detach as I believe is absolutely required, not sure how much is left of your families. That is even without disclosure. Disclosure is a 1-time decision with lifetime consequences for oh, about 15 or so people, so please get professional advice and also start in on IC to find a way to fill the void you reached for BIL to satisfy. I am deeply sympathetic just looking at the mess you're in. Good luck.

 

Very great points!

[janedoe67]

I am neither an OW nor a BS. I am a FWW, and OP, if your conscience has not been permanently seared by this behavior, I urge you to look at the kind of woman you want to be: an honest woman of honor and character or someone who betrays a souse and invades a marriage.