road Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Wow, you are one paranoid individual. Take a deeeep cleansing breath and step away from your computer. Encouraging some one to do the right thing and be honest is not paranoid. You can not dispute the message so you attack the messenger. Sounds like it is time for you to learn how to be honest. Start with the people that you have cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 I don't see any reasonable option but for you to divorce your husband and remove yourself from his family. Divorce is not the only option. Recovery is on the table as well. The only thing that is not an option is to stop lying. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 This situation is far more complex than the norm. I virtually always recommend NC to end an affair, even when employment factors make that very difficult. However, in this situation, it is logically impossible to have true NC and also have remotely normal family relationships. Most A's have just 1 inappropriate tie - between the 2 AP's - and 1 directly affected marriage. This situation has: * inappropriate tie between APs (need to stop seeing each other) * inappropriate tie between WW and SIL (have to stop "befriending" her) * inappropriate tie between WH and BIL (BIL needs to find a new job) * inappropriate tie between WW and child of WH and SIL (have to stop taking care of or spending time with that child as it is under false pretenses) * falseness of WH vis-a-vis parents-in-law * falseness of WW vis-a-vis parents-in-law * 2 directly affected marriages * etc. If you actually pull back and detach as I believe is absolutely required, not sure how much is left of your families. That is even without disclosure. Disclosure is a 1-time decision with lifetime consequences for oh, about 15 or so people, so please get professional advice and also start in on IC to find a way to fill the void you reached for BIL to satisfy. I am deeply sympathetic just looking at the mess you're in. Good luck. This is why the truth must come out. To have NC this WW will run out of excuses as to why they have not gone to a family celebration. This WW did not care about lifetime consequences when she had her affair. Hypocritical to hide behind not exposing the affair under the guise of protecting the victims. If she cared about the victims she would go NC, expose this affair to her BH, OMW, BH's parents. So that all that have been wrong can take the correct measures to protect themselves from future back sliding by this WW and her AP. Too many affairs restart without NC and exposure. There are consequences for every thing. She has to face the consequence and be honest now. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Encouraging some one to do the right thing and be honest is not paranoid. You can not dispute the message so you attack the messenger. Sounds like it is time for you to learn how to be honest. Start with the people that you have cheated on. Road...you really are a nut. The thing I love the most is that you advocate beating the tar out of the WS and then entrapping him/her into "recovery." What on earth kind of a life is that for anyone? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Road...you really are a nut. The thing I love the most is that you advocate beating the tar out of the WS and then entrapping him/her into "recovery." What on earth kind of a life is that for anyone? I have to agree with Goodbye on this; reconciling may be an option, but if the WS's heart isn't in the marriage to begin with, even if the BS would want R, what kind of life could either of them live, with only one of them actually in the relationship? If OP wishes to remain in her marriage and fix it-and her H is on board-then yes, reconciling is a good idea. At the end of the day, there is no sense in raking her over the coals on the matter; what's done is done. The only thing that remains is making a choice in the here and now. Only she can decide what she does from here. I'm sure Road means well...we all have difficulty, at points, remaining objective in these topics, especially when we're so close to our own situations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 Road...you really are a nut. The thing I love the most is that you advocate beating the tar out of the WS and then entrapping him/her into "recovery." What on earth kind of a life is that for anyone? Telling the truth is not beating the anything out of any one. Do not advocate divorce or recovery. They are the two choices that need to be made. Important choices to be made. Effecting ones life. Why does this WW get to decide whether she wants to recover or divorce and her BH does not? That to deny this BH his opportunity to decide is worse then being cheated on. Though most BH do decide to recover. What kind of life and marriage was this WW having? It was not a good marriage other wise she would of not done the OM. By this WW and coming out with the truth they can learn to have a better marriage then before. Maybe her BH was not happy either. Though he did not cheat. WW affair can be a wake up call that they need to get some new relationship skills. Without the truth there is no motivation for this BH to change. So he will not change. Then the WW will fall back into her affair again because she will not be happy. They way her brain falsely justified to have an affair before she will most likely to again. No consequence's leaves the mind set I got away with it before I can get away with it again. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong....you don't need to tell me that. I just want support and encouragement so I can get through this and be happy again. I'm avoiding him at all costs but it's hard because he is family and I can't not attend every single family function. Please help me stay on the right track. So how has NC worked for you? Marriage Builders, Surviving Infidelity, Talk About Marriage, three large sites that get a lot of traffic all would be telling you that you need to tell your BH the truth. You asked to kept on the right track. Still seeing your OM/BIL is not NC. Without NC the affair is not over. Without the truth you and your BH will never have the chance to heal your marriage. Edited August 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author want out Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 WHAT?? with his father??? Road, you seem to have issues of your own....but thanks for all your comments. I will take all of them into consideration... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 WHAT?? with his father??? Road, you seem to have issues of your own....but thanks for all your comments. I will take all of them into consideration... It is not an issue believing people need to be honest. Never seen a BH that did not want the truth. You betrayed your BH with the OM. You now are betraying your BH by not giving him the truth. Better for the truth to come out now. Heal and have a better marriage then before the affair for the next 20 years then to have your BH have a dday 20 years from now. He will feel as if the last 20 years where a lie. A lie that you forced him to live. While you have 20 years to forget heal and move on your BH will feel as if the affair just happened. They way it took you 20 years to get where you were will now take your BH 20 years past his dday. It will be making your redo your first 20 years as you go through his first 20 years together. You want to waste 20 years? Redo 20 years? I have seen the truth come out many years later too many times. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ssmugg Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I would think the overall outcome would be better if kept a secret, but just my thoughts..... only two would suffer in that situation. Were is it were totally disclosed, many more would suffer. Also, New to forum, so a lot of the acronyms I don't quite understand, can kind of figure out but..... (also posted on the questions forum) What is: WS MM PA: private affair? SO H: husband? AP W: wife? BIL A NC BH DIL/BW OW NC AP WW IC FWW OP Link to post Share on other sites
Lei Ping Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong.... Did your talk with your Husband begin with "I've been F'ing your BIL"? Anything less is not "having a good talk". Are you kidding me? Your marriage is soooo over. You expect this Man who has been there for you for decades to be okay sleeping next to you with the image of your legs spread before his Sister's Husband or taste BIL's pinga every time he kisses you? Do the right thing. Go into self exile far away from this family like across the country and call everyone affected and explain what you did fully, your BIL 1st (to give him time to run) then his Wife and then your Husband. There is no "counseling" for this. It's not a "boo-boo", it's a clusterf#ck. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 For some reason, this thread is attracting a huge amount of spam, now deleted, so we're going to lock it up for now. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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